Friday, May 06, 2011

Maybe the point of moving on is letting go

This blog has been a part of my life for 6 years ... alot has happened in those 6 years. A lot has changed.

Should I keep this up? Should I keep writing here?

Should I move on?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Ruff Guff: Cine

So I've decided to write little articles and excerpts about stars and celebrities that catch my eye; either because of the eye-candy of it all, or they're underrated. Although I'm certain that most of them will be eye-candy ... and theres nothing wrong with that here.

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In 2001, an adrenaline fueled action film was released that captured the eyes of many a youth; mostly those those with hard-ons for exotic, pimped out cars and scantily clad women. I on the other hand, loved the cars and the designs of them; but have been drawn more so to the male persuasion than the female. And although Vin Deisel is one beefy mutha; I was more drawn to his co-star who played his "best friend".

I'm talking about the 2001 blockbuster hit, The Fast And The Furious. And the actor in Question, is Matt Shulze.

Matt Shulze played the ruff guff, unapologetic, fume loving, deisel-head that is Vince, the best friend of the Vin Deisel's character Toretto. It was pretty much a stock character with really no background story, whose only purpose was to provide conflict between Paul Walker's character, Brian, and his love interest. Coincidentally however, and I'm still unsure as to whether or not it was the writer's intention, but his role as Diesel's long time friend also provided friction between a beginning relationship between Diesel and Walker's characters; thusly making the story somewhat compelling to watch even if it was predictable. The role didn't provide much range in regards to acting chops, and lets face it, it wasn't meant to be. But, after seeing Matt Schulze in a few stinkers that are unfortunately called movies ... well, lets just say it could have been worse.

After The Fast and The Furious, Matt Schulze attempted at conquering the bad guy role an appeared in such movies as The Transporter and Blade 2. Provided that both movies had awesome and eye-popping action/fight scenes; the movie, on both counts, as a whole was just bad. One attempted at cashing in on the sequel factor (Blade 2); while another was just bad (The Transporte; I blame the budget, but it is only speculation). But, irregardless, Matt Schulze had a role, and even if a very stock role, he played very well. Although it must be mentioned that I'm still figuring out of thats a good thing or not.

But lets face it, with such scruffy good looks and a peircing stare that could lore anyone in, its not too hard to see why he pulls of the bad boy image.

And now some good news, Matt will be reprising his role as Vince in Fast Five, the 4th sequel to The Fast And The Furious Franchise set to be released April 29th, 2011.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The power of being Chosen

I essentially became selfish, living under the mantra that if no one was gonna choose me, then I needed to choose me. I was tired of being miserable, I was tired of feeling lonely and helpless. I was just tired.

We had a great few weeks together, finally coming together even though I was leaving for school. I wanted to talk about it, to talk about us. But it felt great just having him in my arms again, I didn't want to start a heavy conversation. He was in my arms and I wanted to keep him there. I wanted him to ask me to stay. I would have stayed if he had asked. I wanted him to want me. But I wanted HIM to want me because HE wanted to. I knew that if I told him to ask me to stay, it would always feel as if I did it all. Like I somehow manipulated the situation to work in my favor. I wanted him. I wanted to live with him. I wanted to have a dog with him. I wanted to spend christmas' and birthdays with him. I wanted to own a house with him. But I wanted him to WANT that too. And I cannot force that on him. Maybe its naiveity from me, but I felt that is was crucial for him to want it too, from his heart. He didn't ask me to stay.

In his defense, however, he knew I was coming here for school. And ever since we were first together, he knew how much I wanted to go to school. He knew it was a dream of mine to work in the film industry and make movies; who would want to get in the way of that?! Maybe he would have asked me to stay if I were moving for someone, instead of myself. Who knows...

I left. Its been 20 months since I left.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Not one thing was keeping me here ... and then there was one

The biggest reason for leaving Calgary, was that I knew I was waiting for someone, a certain someone. Someone I was deeply in love with, someone I craved over and over again. Essentially someone who will always been with me in my heart.

I had known that I wanted him and no one else, but every time I tried, or he tried, there was always something in the way. There was always a reason we weren't together. Then one year, my sister died. And it was then I knew that I wanted him and only him by my side. So I called. And got no answer. So I waited, and then I texted. And got no answer. So I called, then I emailed, then I texted again. And always got no answer. Next thing I knew, over a year had gone by and I was still getting no answer.

"How long can one attempt before he just gives up," I thought to myself. And "what basis is there that will make me give up?" I pondered that over and over. How do you give up on someone you love?

I was out with my best friend who was going on and on about him and his bf, it was the usual drama that I had learned by heart by this time. But it hit me, (the amount of epiphanies I had at this point in my life, I'm surprised I don't have a concausion) they were together, and they were trying to make it work. One would compromise, and the other would compromise, and they would find the middle ground that would make them happy. But a relationship requires two people. And of everything I wanted and needed, all I knew was that it was just me. Always, just me.

It was at this moment that I knew that I needed someone to choose me, even if at the end of the day it meant that I choose me.

So I made application for film school, the one thing I had ALWAYS wanted since I was a kid.

Sure enough, three days after I was accepted and everything was paid for and it was FINALISED that I was going to Vancouver .... he called.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Why I left ... Calgary Prt 2

While I had a few relationships in Calgary, I mostly learned alot about myself in regards to work. I took a few different jobs in many a-different areas and eventually learned that if I'm not happy to go to work, then I need to fix it.

As mentioned, I went to Calgary, to work for a law firm. I was fired, lol. I was essentially glad.

I worked for a landscaping company, and quit after a week. The woman who hired me was not pleased, but I suspect she wasn't pleased with much anyways.

I worked for a restaurant. I excelled at it and became quite good. I worked from the bottom and essentially could have become assistant kitchen manager. I never crashed the kitchen, dishes were always done when need be (no, I wasn't a dishwasher, but I knew how to lead the kitchen crew). I was the best closer they had, and the KM (kitchen Manager), HM (House Manager) never had to worry when I was on shift. Unfortunately, while I was on vacation, the restaurant shut down. (another long story in itself, another story for another day)

At this time, I suffered a family tragedy, and took time off for myself and went back home; but I couldn't stay long at home. I wanted a certain someone in my life, and I couldn't have that there. So even though I wasn't ready, I went back to Calgary.

I found a pre-apprenticeship program that helped me find, what would be the best and most awesome job I EVER had. I became an Ironworker.

Now I had never done construction in my life, and the only manual labor I had ever encountered was becuase of my uncle who didn't want to do it himself. Which essentially steered my away from any manuel labor. Plus my mother was business oriented so I always had a job in offices while growing up. I had never done construction. But I was at a point where I couldn't be picky anymore, I needed money, I needed a job. But two distant cousins I ended up meeting were in the same program, and we did it together.

I was an Ironworker for almost two years. Best job EVER!!! I concentrated on curtain wall, which is the installation of the outer wall on skyscrapers. So we are the guys, on the open ledges of buildings 40 stories in the air. It was AWESOME!! Great pay, great benefits, great brotherhood. But I couldn't get beyond the idea that I would be treated differently if they knew I was gay. And while I was out on other jobs, I wasn't here. Although I suspect that a few assumed I was.

It wasn't until a very long, very cold winter that I had an epiphany. In Calgary, the best thing about Calgary winters, is the chinooks. A warm front will come in, melt the snow and give ya a few days where you could walk around in shorts in february or march or whatever. It gets warm, it isn't always -30 degress Celcius. The last season I was an ironwoker, it stayed. The cold didn't go anywhere. And I still had to work in -30 degree weather, 40 stories above in the air, facing that cold snap head on. It sucked.

But I mustered it out. It comes with the territory and I didn't complain ... as much. (I wasn't the only one complaining, it was that cold) But it was a job. But I found, as the weather got warmer and warmer, my mind wandered more and more to other things. One day, while I was busting open crate and lowered 800lb panels to the floor, it hit me. I will be doing this for years. In ten years, this is exactly what I will be doing. It was mindless work, for me. I caught on quick, I loved the job, it payed very well. But I soon realised that I was just miserable. And I wasn't miserable with my job, but I was miserable with life, with friends, with choices I was making. I was just miserable in Calgary.

So I left. Now I'm here in Vancouver ... and I love it here.

Why I left ... Calgary Prt 1

So I was in Calgary, with no schooling, no job prospects, but on the verge of something big with a friend. We were starting our own business. With the developement of local gay bars shutting down left, right and center, we saw a market open up with gay men needed a place to go and relax and eat and drink and dance. And so we decided to open a restaurant/eatery/bar/nightclub. NUMEROUS reasons emerged that made this idea a flop. The main reason, my business partner was a dumbass.
- He portrayed my business plan as his own.
- Stole someone elses excel spreadsheet for his own purposes and would stare at it day after day in my presence (I'm assuming in an attempt to prove that he knew what he was doing).
- He used a name and concept that was already in existence, and was sued for it.
- Lied to the owners of the building as to what it was going to be used for and started demolision on the interior before it was paid for.
- Lied to the community that our business was to be located in.
- Started making purchases and started moving forward before the start up capital could be realised.
- And all the while expected me to contribute 80% of the start-up capital but only own 50% of the business.

PS, he was my best friend at the time. I pulled out of the business, moved out of the apartment, and was essentially homeless. Thank god I was seeing someone at the time, and even though I really didn't want to, I moved in with him.

We were together for a while, probably longer than we should have. But I met even better friends through him. I challenged my inner demons with him, and conquered alot of garbage that my past bestowed on me; and even better, he never left. He stayed by me the whole time. We broke up, simply because it wasn't that kind of relationship, and we became even better friends because of it. I know I can always count on him, and he knows he can always count on me.

Why I Left ... home

The original intention of moving to Calgary in the first place was to gain experience in a Law Firm and to network with that firm while I got into Law School. I wasn’t done a degree just yet but was certainly on my way to Law School. Unfortunately a previous bout of depression whilst in school hindered my chances of getting back into school that next year and completing my degree; and I didn’t contest it. So my short term employment became long term, where I learned even more so that Law just wasn’t my thing. I had no passion for it whatsoever. Thankfully I was fired, lol. And yes, it is possible to be thankful of a firing.

I stayed in Calgary because I knew that going back to my hometown in rednecks’ville just wasn’t a viable option for me. As a young gay man, I knew I NEEDED to experience the gay community and finally have some gay friends and just totally figure out what it all meant to me.

The biggest reason I didn’t have any gay friends in college were simply because I was petrified of prejudice. Being a native man, I experienced first-hand the pain that prejudice can produce; I felt the lynching and a bat to the head, simply because I was native; I wound up in the hospital and lost memories of that night because of it. It happened, the hospital and police reports say so. So I won’t deny that influenced me in a HUGE way and followed me well into college; and probably still influences me to this day.

Anyways, I was at a point where I wanted to break down the walls that were holding me back, but felt that I could only do it in Calgary. And so even though my original plan of being a lawyer was shot down, and I had no job, I stayed in Calgary. I met someone, fell in love; it didn't work out (which really sucked). Made friends, most of whom would screw me over. And challenged myself and learned more about myself than I ever could in my hometown.

I eventually arrived to a point where I knew I couldn't go back home. I was too different to be able to go back to a kind of town that would hinder my own inner growth. It felt like a step back.

Friday, March 04, 2011

BACK ... but still distant

Wow its been a long time since I was here ... honestly, there were times when I completely forgot that I used to do this.

How much time has passed? Three years or so? Will I even still have readers? Did I intend on having readers when I started this blog many-a-life ago? Truthfully, no. The overall intention of this blog was to vent my thoughts and feelings about the overall B.S. that has been going on in my life. And I'm kind of at point where I gotta do it again.

The Basics
When I started this blog, I was intending on going to school for film school or new media. Attempt after attempt in trying to enroll into a local tech school resulted in numerous fails; for reasons beyond my control. But hey, I tried. Until one day whilst on vacation with my roommate, I stopped and took a tour of the Vancouver Film School and was SOLD! I quit my job, made application, packed up my life and left Calgary (trust me, there's a alot of stories and BS in this move alone which will have to be explained another day). I am now in Film school and no longer learning New Media; to explain, New Media is no longer "New" Media since the said media has been been out for awhile now, its just media, lol.

When I started this blog, I was young. Very young and inexperienced to the gay world. I had little friends and knew little about what the gay community could mean. Essentially I was on a quest to find out what being gay meant to me. I partied, I played and got played, made and lost relationships, was at my happiest and was at my worst; all in a span of three years. Personally, I'm kind of glad it happened then. If I had done all that here in Vancouver, who knows how hard I would have fallen.

But now, I sit here in class. I should be paying attention, but my mind is wandering.

Monday, September 14, 2009

a new path

like sands in the hour glass .... and blah blah blah ... ok, I really don't know how that quote goes .. I may be gay, but I ain't that gay, lol.

Anyways, A NEW DIRECTION is where I'm now heading. Life has occured, moved on, progressed, whether or not I was progressing with it (as I've often felt and stated in my previous posts). And as one can notice, the frequency of posts (plus the coherency and flow found within the text) has ... diminished so to say ... I blame life and my mind at the time. Its hard to keep organised a project when you find yourself in a rutt. When all desire slowly fades away, so do other projects ... and for about 2 years, thats what has happened to me.

Am I back persay? Perhaps. I really don't know and don't want to set up false promises in the mean time ...

But i have started a new project, another blog entitled Stitched Again. Main reason is because life has changed drastically and I can genuinely say that I am happy, something I didn't think I'd feel again. And so, with an anewed spirit and empowered mind, I blog yet again.

I'll let the blog take it from here ... cheers and thanks for reading ..