There's just something about this guy ... I hope he gets far.

Michael Sarver - Thank You
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... here I, soon, come.

Wow it gets harder and harder to write in this ... I have so much to say, just very little time on the computer these days ... and oddly enough, my life is work and the gym, and thats it. Strange.

But, NEWS ... I've decided I'm moving. Yes yes, Calgary is a great place to be, great weather (even though suffering an odd winter this year), great people (very rare you'll meet someone born and raised here, but does happen) and great opportunities (I find that this city is still booming even considering the current crisis with the economy). But I feel Calgary has fulfilled its purpose for me in my late blooming life, and has played in a pivotal role in my actually LIVING of life.

And as much as I'm excited about my future move, I'm still anxious in saying goodbye. Moving even further away from family still seems impossible to my heart right now, considering how I've been feeling within the last year since the tragedy. Its almost unbearable to think that I won't be able to simply jump into a car and go visit family that very day (the move is out of province). I'll be moving away from everything I know and everyone I love, and yet I still feel that this move is something I must do.

Moreso, saying goodbye to a specific person is even harder. Does one ever truly let go of their first love? Granted we've been apart for a long time now; and I've dated since then. But he's the one I always think about. He's the one I remember the most. And he knows, I'm moving; but I've never actually said good-bye. And every time I've seen him since ... it seems to be the only discussion we can have, so instead I stay quiet. Even though I know that not discussing my move is probably not the best thing to do ...

I just want him to know that I loved him, that I still love him. I miss feeling his warmth when I hug him, I miss running my fingers through his hair. I miss his dirty car whose dashboard lights brighter than a christmas tree, lol.

I don't think I'll say good-bye. I can't say it and mean it. I can't just give up the possibilities in my head, even if thats all they'll ever be ... possibilities.

But movings is something I have to do, and this I know. I've spent so much of my life doing what was logical and expected and trying to help people out. I never really took a chance on my own happiness and my own successes. Instead I just escaped this situation and escaped that, and did what was expected and safe. And I don't want to be that person who wonders, what if.

Money isn't an issue, I can make great money in the construction industry, but it isn't money I'm worried about. I've had money before ... all that brought was many issues and worries. Now its just me.

And whats great about this move is that I'm not escaping anything. Nothing tragic is happening; as a matter of fact, I'm content. Life is ok right now, can be better ... and thats what I'm working on.

Vancouver ... here I soon come.

On The Plus Side

Ok, so after going back and doin some reading ... I'd have to say my mood is more somber and perhaps edging on morbid, lol. There's definately a serious tone there.

So on to some light-hearted stuff. My life, sure is probably in its downer stages, but does have some high points. ONE, my job ... except for the deep freeze of weather we're going through right now, I love it. I'm workin in heights with a group of guys that just love to goof off, and gettin paid awesome for it too. Its good.

My social life ... or lack there of, is nill at the moment. Still single, lovin it and hatin it, depends on the day. But I've come to realise that lefty lucy makes a good substitute ... especially if you hold your hand in the air until you lose feeling; it feels like someone else is doing it, lol.

Family, well ... been workin so much I haven't had time to go up and see them ... but I'll see them for Christmas .. that will be awesome.

And I'm sure there's more, lol ... I really just don't feel like typing right now ... so here ya go ... some pics. Good Day everyone.

I found out I was me ... so I prayed.

Yesterday, while in the steamroom of my gym (no, this is not a sexual story), I've achieved a state of mind that I've never ever thought I'd be able to achieve on my own. I always figured it can only be experienced the moment right before one falls asleep, or when one gets up too fast and not only gets light-headed but also in fact blacks out for a moment. You know that moment when you close your eyes and are about to let go of everything around, what you see, what you feel and what you hear are about to disappear into the deep black abyss while your mind, your subconscious is about to soar; yet the split second before it does, everything your about to let go is suddenly perfectly clear; its like your experiencing your senses all the while your staring into the deep black abyss. Its a moment where you know your you.

I achieved it. It felt like I was going to black out; and instead of waking myself from it, I decided to let it come. I closed my eyes, and all I could see where faint fireflies buzzing about in direct contrast of the blackness behind them. But I could still feel the heat from the steam, the moisture of the room and the humming of the room itself. And suddenly, the fireflies faded. Suddenly I was staring into blackness. And I was aware, completely aware of where I was. Completely aware of my existence. I was me, and thats all I was.

Considering everything I want and everything thats been happening in my life ... I could only do one thing at this moment. I prayed. I prayed over and over again in my head; asking for help, asking for a friend, asking for success, asking for family, asking for money, asking to be held, asking for someone to hold, asking .... asking .... asking ....

saturday pics

Me for Me

What do you do when you get to the point where you realise your alone? When family is so far away that even a phone call won't do? When you realise that you and your friends have nothing in common? When your roommate doesn't understand you at all? When all you do is work, and go home to sleep only to work the next day all over again?

... yeah, I'm in a rutt.

I blame most of how I feel on the fact that I'm single again. Of course, if I don't go out, then how will "Mr. Right" notice me, right? But I do go out from time to time ... only I'm never approached by anyone, AND I'm not really drawn to anyone myself ... so I guess thats the game I'm playin right now; waiting and wondering why.

Although, I feel I must mention ... I don't always feel this jaded and lonely, I've been so busy with work (worked alot of weekends in the past two months) and gettin sick because of it that I never really noticed time let alone how I was feeling.

But I guess it ain't that bad. I'm healthy, I'm working, my self-esteem is intact (for the most part), I'm going back to school, I'm back at the gym (and losing pounds, AND gaining muscle) ... people say that when you get back to yourself and do things for yourself that people will notice and thats when all the good things happen. Of course, this isn't to say that this is the mere reason for doing it all, I ain't doing all this stuff for myself for the sake of reaping rewards. Instead, I'm doing it cause I want too. Cause thats me and now is the time to look at, and take care of me.

So granted, life has been one whirlwind after another, and yes there are times I wonder why about everything ... I know I'm fine. I guess its the realisation that no one can take care of me, is makin me feel lonely.

Ya know, I don't even know if any of this made sense, lol. I trust it does.

Waiting For That Something Good

It seemed like a good idea at the time, a road trip with the boyfriend to the United States; simply to do some christmas (and personal) shopping. Make a weekend of it, a weekend excursion. Daughter will stay at grandmas. Leave friday afternoon, come back sunday. It was all planned out.

No. It wasn't.

No one knew a storm would hit, no one knew how bad the roads would be. And no knew, not even the truckdriver, that the truck would loose control and veer into the next lanes.

If my sister knew ... she wouldn't have gone.

She texted me that night, when she was going home from Great Falls. Complaining, in a jokingly manner, that I had no time to speak to my older sister. I texted back, "lol." She knew I was in Veags though, and told me to have fun. Even though it was only day one.

The next day, I would get a phone call telling me that my sister died, her and her boyfriend. And so home I went.

The anniversay is fast approaching. December 3. One year has passed since that phone call, since that day.

It creeps up on ya, the loneliness, the grief, the pain. It comes and goes as it pleases; and you get used to it. Its sad, but true.

And since that time, I've taken a course and done a career change, made new friends and all the time keeping old ones. Broke it off with the bf, still friends though, still live together (yes, I have my own room).

But everything is just .... a thing. Something to do as time passes. For the past two months, all I've done is work. I work monday to friday, then the weekend, then another weekend .. and so on, and so on. And suddenly two months pass and I find myself realising that a year has passed.

.... .... .... just so much. So soo much.

I find myself just going through the days. Just going with it.

A year.