A Stitch In Mind

2011-05-06T11:53:00.001-07:00

Maybe the point of moving on is letting go

This blog has been a part of my life for 6 years ... alot has happened in those 6 years. A lot has changed.

Should I keep this up? Should I keep writing here?

Should I move on?

Ruff Guff: Cine

2011-03-30T13:26:00.006-07:00

So I've decided to write little articles and excerpts about stars and celebrities that catch my eye; either because of the eye-candy of it all, or they're underrated. Although I'm certain that most of them will be eye-candy ... and theres nothing wrong with that here.

*** *** *** ***

In 2001, an adrenaline fueled action film was released that captured the eyes of many a youth; mostly those those with hard-ons for exotic, pimped out cars and scantily clad women. I on the other hand, loved the cars and the designs of them; but have been drawn more so to the male persuasion than the female. And although Vin Deisel is one beefy mutha; I was more drawn to his co-star who played his "best friend".

I'm talking about the 2001 blockbuster hit, The Fast And The Furious. And the actor in Question, is Matt Shulze.

Matt Shulze played the ruff guff, unapologetic, fume loving, deisel-head that is Vince, the best friend of the Vin Deisel's character Toretto. It was pretty much a stock character with really no background story, whose only purpose was to provide conflict between Paul Walker's character, Brian, and his love interest. Coincidentally however, and I'm still unsure as to whether or not it was the writer's intention, but his role as Diesel's long time friend also provided friction between a beginning relationship between Diesel and Walker's characters; thusly making the story somewhat compelling to watch even if it was predictable. The role didn't provide much range in regards to acting chops, and lets face it, it wasn't meant to be. But, after seeing Matt Schulze in a few stinkers that are unfortunately called movies ... well, lets just say it could have been worse.

After The Fast and The Furious, Matt Schulze attempted at conquering the bad guy role an appeared in such movies as The Transporter and Blade 2. Provided that both movies had awesome and eye-popping action/fight scenes; the movie, on both counts, as a whole was just bad. One attempted at cashing in on the sequel factor (Blade 2); while another was just bad (The Transporte; I blame the budget, but it is only speculation). But, irregardless, Matt Schulze had a role, and even if a very stock role, he played very well. Although it must be mentioned that I'm still figuring out of thats a good thing or not.

But lets face it, with such scruffy good looks and a peircing stare that could lore anyone in, its not too hard to see why he pulls of the bad boy image.

And now some good news, Matt will be reprising his role as Vince in Fast Five, the 4th sequel to The Fast And The Furious Franchise set to be released April 29th, 2011.

The power of being Chosen

2011-03-16T13:27:00.002-07:00

I essentially became selfish, living under the mantra that if no one was gonna choose me, then I needed to choose me. I was tired of being miserable, I was tired of feeling lonely and helpless. I was just tired.

We had a great few weeks together, finally coming together even though I was leaving for school. I wanted to talk about it, to talk about us. But it felt great just having him in my arms again, I didn't want to start a heavy conversation. He was in my arms and I wanted to keep him there. I wanted him to ask me to stay. I would have stayed if he had asked. I wanted him to want me. But I wanted HIM to want me because HE wanted to. I knew that if I told him to ask me to stay, it would always feel as if I did it all. Like I somehow manipulated the situation to work in my favor. I wanted him. I wanted to live with him. I wanted to have a dog with him. I wanted to spend christmas' and birthdays with him. I wanted to own a house with him. But I wanted him to WANT that too. And I cannot force that on him. Maybe its naiveity from me, but I felt that is was crucial for him to want it too, from his heart. He didn't ask me to stay.

In his defense, however, he knew I was coming here for school. And ever since we were first together, he knew how much I wanted to go to school. He knew it was a dream of mine to work in the film industry and make movies; who would want to get in the way of that?! Maybe he would have asked me to stay if I were moving for someone, instead of myself. Who knows...

I left. Its been 20 months since I left.

Not one thing was keeping me here ... and then there was one

2011-03-15T17:22:00.003-07:00

The biggest reason for leaving Calgary, was that I knew I was waiting for someone, a certain someone. Someone I was deeply in love with, someone I craved over and over again. Essentially someone who will always been with me in my heart.

I had known that I wanted him and no one else, but every time I tried, or he tried, there was always something in the way. There was always a reason we weren't together. Then one year, my sister died. And it was then I knew that I wanted him and only him by my side. So I called. And got no answer. So I waited, and then I texted. And got no answer. So I called, then I emailed, then I texted again. And always got no answer. Next thing I knew, over a year had gone by and I was still getting no answer.

"How long can one attempt before he just gives up," I thought to myself. And "what basis is there that will make me give up?" I pondered that over and over. How do you give up on someone you love?

I was out with my best friend who was going on and on about him and his bf, it was the usual drama that I had learned by heart by this time. But it hit me, (the amount of epiphanies I had at this point in my life, I'm surprised I don't have a concausion) they were together, and they were trying to make it work. One would compromise, and the other would compromise, and they would find the middle ground that would make them happy. But a relationship requires two people. And of everything I wanted and needed, all I knew was that it was just me. Always, just me.

It was at this moment that I knew that I needed someone to choose me, even if at the end of the day it meant that I choose me.

So I made application for film school, the one thing I had ALWAYS wanted since I was a kid.

Sure enough, three days after I was accepted and everything was paid for and it was FINALISED that I was going to Vancouver .... he called.

Why I left ... Calgary Prt 2

2011-03-10T10:28:00.004-08:00

While I had a few relationships in Calgary, I mostly learned alot about myself in regards to work. I took a few different jobs in many a-different areas and eventually learned that if I'm not happy to go to work, then I need to fix it.

As mentioned, I went to Calgary, to work for a law firm. I was fired, lol. I was essentially glad.

I worked for a landscaping company, and quit after a week. The woman who hired me was not pleased, but I suspect she wasn't pleased with much anyways.

I worked for a restaurant. I excelled at it and became quite good. I worked from the bottom and essentially could have become assistant kitchen manager. I never crashed the kitchen, dishes were always done when need be (no, I wasn't a dishwasher, but I knew how to lead the kitchen crew). I was the best closer they had, and the KM (kitchen Manager), HM (House Manager) never had to worry when I was on shift. Unfortunately, while I was on vacation, the restaurant shut down. (another long story in itself, another story for another day)

At this time, I suffered a family tragedy, and took time off for myself and went back home; but I couldn't stay long at home. I wanted a certain someone in my life, and I couldn't have that there. So even though I wasn't ready, I went back to Calgary.

I found a pre-apprenticeship program that helped me find, what would be the best and most awesome job I EVER had. I became an Ironworker.

Now I had never done construction in my life, and the only manual labor I had ever encountered was becuase of my uncle who didn't want to do it himself. Which essentially steered my away from any manuel labor. Plus my mother was business oriented so I always had a job in offices while growing up. I had never done construction. But I was at a point where I couldn't be picky anymore, I needed money, I needed a job. But two distant cousins I ended up meeting were in the same program, and we did it together.

I was an Ironworker for almost two years. Best job EVER!!! I concentrated on curtain wall, which is the installation of the outer wall on skyscrapers. So we are the guys, on the open ledges of buildings 40 stories in the air. It was AWESOME!! Great pay, great benefits, great brotherhood. But I couldn't get beyond the idea that I would be treated differently if they knew I was gay. And while I was out on other jobs, I wasn't here. Although I suspect that a few assumed I was.

It wasn't until a very long, very cold winter that I had an epiphany. In Calgary, the best thing about Calgary winters, is the chinooks. A warm front will come in, melt the snow and give ya a few days where you could walk around in shorts in february or march or whatever. It gets warm, it isn't always -30 degress Celcius. The last season I was an ironwoker, it stayed. The cold didn't go anywhere. And I still had to work in -30 degree weather, 40 stories above in the air, facing that cold snap head on. It sucked.

But I mustered it out. It comes with the territory and I didn't complain ... as much. (I wasn't the only one complaining, it was that cold) But it was a job. But I found, as the weather got warmer and warmer, my mind wandered more and more to other things. One day, while I was busting open crate and lowered 800lb panels to the floor, it hit me. I will be doing this for years. In ten years, this is exactly what I will be doing. It was mindless work, for me. I caught on quick, I loved the job, it payed very well. But I soon realised that I was just miserable. And I wasn't miserable with my job, but I was miserable with life, with friends, with choices I was making. I was just miserable in Calgary.

So I left. Now I'm here in Vancouver ... and I love it here.

Why I left ... Calgary Prt 1

2011-03-10T10:11:00.003-08:00

So I was in Calgary, with no schooling, no job prospects, but on the verge of something big with a friend. We were starting our own business. With the developement of local gay bars shutting down left, right and center, we saw a market open up with gay men needed a place to go and relax and eat and drink and dance. And so we decided to open a restaurant/eatery/bar/nightclub. NUMEROUS reasons emerged that made this idea a flop. The main reason, my business partner was a dumbass.
- He portrayed my business plan as his own.
- Stole someone elses excel spreadsheet for his own purposes and would stare at it day after day in my presence (I'm assuming in an attempt to prove that he knew what he was doing).
- He used a name and concept that was already in existence, and was sued for it.
- Lied to the owners of the building as to what it was going to be used for and started demolision on the interior before it was paid for.
- Lied to the community that our business was to be located in.
- Started making purchases and started moving forward before the start up capital could be realised.
- And all the while expected me to contribute 80% of the start-up capital but only own 50% of the business.

PS, he was my best friend at the time. I pulled out of the business, moved out of the apartment, and was essentially homeless. Thank god I was seeing someone at the time, and even though I really didn't want to, I moved in with him.

We were together for a while, probably longer than we should have. But I met even better friends through him. I challenged my inner demons with him, and conquered alot of garbage that my past bestowed on me; and even better, he never left. He stayed by me the whole time. We broke up, simply because it wasn't that kind of relationship, and we became even better friends because of it. I know I can always count on him, and he knows he can always count on me.

Why I Left ... home

2011-03-10T10:01:00.002-08:00

The original intention of moving to Calgary in the first place was to gain experience in a Law Firm and to network with that firm while I got into Law School. I wasn’t done a degree just yet but was certainly on my way to Law School. Unfortunately a previous bout of depression whilst in school hindered my chances of getting back into school that next year and completing my degree; and I didn’t contest it. So my short term employment became long term, where I learned even more so that Law just wasn’t my thing. I had no passion for it whatsoever. Thankfully I was fired, lol. And yes, it is possible to be thankful of a firing.

I stayed in Calgary because I knew that going back to my hometown in rednecks’ville just wasn’t a viable option for me. As a young gay man, I knew I NEEDED to experience the gay community and finally have some gay friends and just totally figure out what it all meant to me.

The biggest reason I didn’t have any gay friends in college were simply because I was petrified of prejudice. Being a native man, I experienced first-hand the pain that prejudice can produce; I felt the lynching and a bat to the head, simply because I was native; I wound up in the hospital and lost memories of that night because of it. It happened, the hospital and police reports say so. So I won’t deny that influenced me in a HUGE way and followed me well into college; and probably still influences me to this day.

Anyways, I was at a point where I wanted to break down the walls that were holding me back, but felt that I could only do it in Calgary. And so even though my original plan of being a lawyer was shot down, and I had no job, I stayed in Calgary. I met someone, fell in love; it didn't work out (which really sucked). Made friends, most of whom would screw me over. And challenged myself and learned more about myself than I ever could in my hometown.

I eventually arrived to a point where I knew I couldn't go back home. I was too different to be able to go back to a kind of town that would hinder my own inner growth. It felt like a step back.

BACK ... but still distant

2011-03-04T10:02:00.005-08:00

Wow its been a long time since I was here ... honestly, there were times when I completely forgot that I used to do this.

How much time has passed? Three years or so? Will I even still have readers? Did I intend on having readers when I started this blog many-a-life ago? Truthfully, no. The overall intention of this blog was to vent my thoughts and feelings about the overall B.S. that has been going on in my life. And I'm kind of at point where I gotta do it again.

The Basics
When I started this blog, I was intending on going to school for film school or new media. Attempt after attempt in trying to enroll into a local tech school resulted in numerous fails; for reasons beyond my control. But hey, I tried. Until one day whilst on vacation with my roommate, I stopped and took a tour of the Vancouver Film School and was SOLD! I quit my job, made application, packed up my life and left Calgary (trust me, there's a alot of stories and BS in this move alone which will have to be explained another day). I am now in Film school and no longer learning New Media; to explain, New Media is no longer "New" Media since the said media has been been out for awhile now, its just media, lol.

When I started this blog, I was young. Very young and inexperienced to the gay world. I had little friends and knew little about what the gay community could mean. Essentially I was on a quest to find out what being gay meant to me. I partied, I played and got played, made and lost relationships, was at my happiest and was at my worst; all in a span of three years. Personally, I'm kind of glad it happened then. If I had done all that here in Vancouver, who knows how hard I would have fallen.

But now, I sit here in class. I should be paying attention, but my mind is wandering.

a new path

2009-09-14T23:42:00.002-07:00

like sands in the hour glass .... and blah blah blah ... ok, I really don't know how that quote goes .. I may be gay, but I ain't that gay, lol.

Anyways, A NEW DIRECTION is where I'm now heading. Life has occured, moved on, progressed, whether or not I was progressing with it (as I've often felt and stated in my previous posts). And as one can notice, the frequency of posts (plus the coherency and flow found within the text) has ... diminished so to say ... I blame life and my mind at the time. Its hard to keep organised a project when you find yourself in a rutt. When all desire slowly fades away, so do other projects ... and for about 2 years, thats what has happened to me.

Am I back persay? Perhaps. I really don't know and don't want to set up false promises in the mean time ...

But i have started a new project, another blog entitled Stitched Again. Main reason is because life has changed drastically and I can genuinely say that I am happy, something I didn't think I'd feel again. And so, with an anewed spirit and empowered mind, I blog yet again.

I'll let the blog take it from here ... cheers and thanks for reading ..

2009-03-08T22:06:00.001-07:00

There's just something about this guy ... I hope he gets far.

Michael Sarver - Thank You
Uploaded by aiclips

... here I, soon, come.

2009-02-10T20:59:00.002-08:00

Wow it gets harder and harder to write in this ... I have so much to say, just very little time on the computer these days ... and oddly enough, my life is work and the gym, and thats it. Strange.

But, NEWS ... I've decided I'm moving. Yes yes, Calgary is a great place to be, great weather (even though suffering an odd winter this year), great people (very rare you'll meet someone born and raised here, but does happen) and great opportunities (I find that this city is still booming even considering the current crisis with the economy). But I feel Calgary has fulfilled its purpose for me in my late blooming life, and has played in a pivotal role in my actually LIVING of life.

And as much as I'm excited about my future move, I'm still anxious in saying goodbye. Moving even further away from family still seems impossible to my heart right now, considering how I've been feeling within the last year since the tragedy. Its almost unbearable to think that I won't be able to simply jump into a car and go visit family that very day (the move is out of province). I'll be moving away from everything I know and everyone I love, and yet I still feel that this move is something I must do.

Moreso, saying goodbye to a specific person is even harder. Does one ever truly let go of their first love? Granted we've been apart for a long time now; and I've dated since then. But he's the one I always think about. He's the one I remember the most. And he knows, I'm moving; but I've never actually said good-bye. And every time I've seen him since ... it seems to be the only discussion we can have, so instead I stay quiet. Even though I know that not discussing my move is probably not the best thing to do ...

I just want him to know that I loved him, that I still love him. I miss feeling his warmth when I hug him, I miss running my fingers through his hair. I miss his dirty car whose dashboard lights brighter than a christmas tree, lol.

I don't think I'll say good-bye. I can't say it and mean it. I can't just give up the possibilities in my head, even if thats all they'll ever be ... possibilities.

But movings is something I have to do, and this I know. I've spent so much of my life doing what was logical and expected and trying to help people out. I never really took a chance on my own happiness and my own successes. Instead I just escaped this situation and escaped that, and did what was expected and safe. And I don't want to be that person who wonders, what if.

Money isn't an issue, I can make great money in the construction industry, but it isn't money I'm worried about. I've had money before ... all that brought was many issues and worries. Now its just me.

And whats great about this move is that I'm not escaping anything. Nothing tragic is happening; as a matter of fact, I'm content. Life is ok right now, can be better ... and thats what I'm working on.

Vancouver ... here I soon come.

On The Plus Side

2008-12-15T20:28:00.003-08:00

Ok, so after going back and doin some reading ... I'd have to say my mood is more somber and perhaps edging on morbid, lol. There's definately a serious tone there.

So on to some light-hearted stuff. My life, sure is probably in its downer stages, but does have some high points. ONE, my job ... except for the deep freeze of weather we're going through right now, I love it. I'm workin in heights with a group of guys that just love to goof off, and gettin paid awesome for it too. Its good.

My social life ... or lack there of, is nill at the moment. Still single, lovin it and hatin it, depends on the day. But I've come to realise that lefty lucy makes a good substitute ... especially if you hold your hand in the air until you lose feeling; it feels like someone else is doing it, lol.

Family, well ... been workin so much I haven't had time to go up and see them ... but I'll see them for Christmas .. that will be awesome.

And I'm sure there's more, lol ... I really just don't feel like typing right now ... so here ya go ... some pics. Good Day everyone.

I found out I was me ... so I prayed.

2008-12-10T21:22:00.002-08:00

Yesterday, while in the steamroom of my gym (no, this is not a sexual story), I've achieved a state of mind that I've never ever thought I'd be able to achieve on my own. I always figured it can only be experienced the moment right before one falls asleep, or when one gets up too fast and not only gets light-headed but also in fact blacks out for a moment. You know that moment when you close your eyes and are about to let go of everything around, what you see, what you feel and what you hear are about to disappear into the deep black abyss while your mind, your subconscious is about to soar; yet the split second before it does, everything your about to let go is suddenly perfectly clear; its like your experiencing your senses all the while your staring into the deep black abyss. Its a moment where you know your you.

I achieved it. It felt like I was going to black out; and instead of waking myself from it, I decided to let it come. I closed my eyes, and all I could see where faint fireflies buzzing about in direct contrast of the blackness behind them. But I could still feel the heat from the steam, the moisture of the room and the humming of the room itself. And suddenly, the fireflies faded. Suddenly I was staring into blackness. And I was aware, completely aware of where I was. Completely aware of my existence. I was me, and thats all I was.

Considering everything I want and everything thats been happening in my life ... I could only do one thing at this moment. I prayed. I prayed over and over again in my head; asking for help, asking for a friend, asking for success, asking for family, asking for money, asking to be held, asking for someone to hold, asking .... asking .... asking ....

saturday pics

2008-12-06T19:15:00.000-08:00

Me for Me

2008-12-01T18:54:00.003-08:00

What do you do when you get to the point where you realise your alone? When family is so far away that even a phone call won't do? When you realise that you and your friends have nothing in common? When your roommate doesn't understand you at all? When all you do is work, and go home to sleep only to work the next day all over again?

... yeah, I'm in a rutt.

I blame most of how I feel on the fact that I'm single again. Of course, if I don't go out, then how will "Mr. Right" notice me, right? But I do go out from time to time ... only I'm never approached by anyone, AND I'm not really drawn to anyone myself ... so I guess thats the game I'm playin right now; waiting and wondering why.

Although, I feel I must mention ... I don't always feel this jaded and lonely, I've been so busy with work (worked alot of weekends in the past two months) and gettin sick because of it that I never really noticed time let alone how I was feeling.

But I guess it ain't that bad. I'm healthy, I'm working, my self-esteem is intact (for the most part), I'm going back to school, I'm back at the gym (and losing pounds, AND gaining muscle) ... people say that when you get back to yourself and do things for yourself that people will notice and thats when all the good things happen. Of course, this isn't to say that this is the mere reason for doing it all, I ain't doing all this stuff for myself for the sake of reaping rewards. Instead, I'm doing it cause I want too. Cause thats me and now is the time to look at, and take care of me.

So granted, life has been one whirlwind after another, and yes there are times I wonder why about everything ... I know I'm fine. I guess its the realisation that no one can take care of me, is makin me feel lonely.

Ya know, I don't even know if any of this made sense, lol. I trust it does.

Waiting For That Something Good

2008-11-28T16:32:00.003-08:00

It seemed like a good idea at the time, a road trip with the boyfriend to the United States; simply to do some christmas (and personal) shopping. Make a weekend of it, a weekend excursion. Daughter will stay at grandmas. Leave friday afternoon, come back sunday. It was all planned out.

No. It wasn't.

No one knew a storm would hit, no one knew how bad the roads would be. And no knew, not even the truckdriver, that the truck would loose control and veer into the next lanes.

If my sister knew ... she wouldn't have gone.

She texted me that night, when she was going home from Great Falls. Complaining, in a jokingly manner, that I had no time to speak to my older sister. I texted back, "lol." She knew I was in Veags though, and told me to have fun. Even though it was only day one.

The next day, I would get a phone call telling me that my sister died, her and her boyfriend. And so home I went.

The anniversay is fast approaching. December 3. One year has passed since that phone call, since that day.

It creeps up on ya, the loneliness, the grief, the pain. It comes and goes as it pleases; and you get used to it. Its sad, but true.

And since that time, I've taken a course and done a career change, made new friends and all the time keeping old ones. Broke it off with the bf, still friends though, still live together (yes, I have my own room).

But everything is just .... a thing. Something to do as time passes. For the past two months, all I've done is work. I work monday to friday, then the weekend, then another weekend .. and so on, and so on. And suddenly two months pass and I find myself realising that a year has passed.

.... .... .... just so much. So soo much.

I find myself just going through the days. Just going with it.

A year.

NEGLECTED

2008-09-03T21:13:00.005-07:00

Can we say, NEGLECTED!!!!! ... i think so.

Needless to say this blog has been inactive for quite a few months, a doing on my part that I had hoped would not happen. Nevertheless it did, and I feel I must apologise ... but lets face, in the world of personal blogs, such a happening is not so uncommon. But, I am sorry. I did have every intention of posting as often as I did upon starting this blog, and is sadly just did not happen. That sux.

I think life got in the way. Every since my vacation in December (that ended tragically), I really just haven't been in the mood to talk or type.

I partially feel that I've been discouraged from speaking by many individuals who only seemed interested in subjects that include them, therefore discussions of my family and anything going on with me is insignificant and not worthy of noting. But my life is happening ... and making even less sense for me, but at the same time is more comprehendable and livable than I remember it ever being. Odd eh?

But yes .... I sincerely hope that I will be able to come back here expand on what I mean that my life is happening; assuming of course I'm not too tired from my day at work or too distracted by anything else thats happening.

For now ... some notes:
- 90210, have been eager to watch it since I heard that a spin off from the original was being planned (let alone being filmed), however I do have mixed feelings about the actual first episode. I feel it was way too fast an introduction to ALL characters and possible storylines ... but it did keep me interested, and I think its simply because I was a fan (a closeted fan at that time) of the original Beverly Hills 90210.

- Work, am now a 1st Year Ironworker Apprentice and am currently doing curtain wall. We've reached the 11 floor and have been stubling upon obstacles from every which way. Its gettin stressful, but still fun. Today, the skip was down (skip, construction elevator erected on the outer wall of a building being constructed) so I had the pleasure of walking up 11 flights, then down for break and up again, then down for lunch and up again, and finally down on last time for the end of the day. I should have called in sick.

- Social life, I find myself mainly hanging out with my ex's friends and with my ex. Which is adding confusion to said friends who now think that we are either back together, or will be soon.

- Future, a big move is on the horizon for me, a big move to Vancouver, B.C.. As for what that means to me where Ironwork is involved, is completely beyond me; I simply don't know. As for what it means with my friends, means I'm leaving them behind. As for what it means with my family, whom I'm missing so much these days, I will be moving even further away; an idea that turns my stomache.

And so ... thats a brief update. And now for some pics ...

Being Single ... again

2008-04-28T21:48:00.002-07:00

So as mentioned before, I got out of a relationship .. one that really wasn't working for me from the get go.

Anyways, I find myself wondering what its like to be single .. even though I actually am single. I think I'm findin it hard as to what it means because of the fact that I still live with the ex. The reason I stayed was more out of necessity than choice. Ya see, as I'm still training to be an ironworker, I'm still a student. And being a student here in this city, with its economy, sucks. I can't afford anything. And so, I still live with the guy.

For the most part, its all good ... I have my own time and I do my own thing (even though it mainly consists of walking around downtown by myself and window shopping), and I am making friends in the program. I still find myself trying to form an identity that I'm comfortable with. Ya see, most people I talk too were 'his' friends first. And absolutely nothing wrong with them, I still talk to them and we all hang out too, its just that fact .. they were his friends first. And that should mean nothing in regards to true friends .. and I feel that they are true friends. Its just, would I have met them if I hadn't dated this guy? Would I have met them if I had a true sense of personal identity a long time ago?

With were my new friends are heading, and where my old friends are from, I can't help be realise a huge rift between the two. I feel as if I'm coming from the fact that my being gay doesn't define me as a whole .. whereas my old friends, take away that fact and they have nothing else to talk about.

Well, I guess its just thoughts. And I'll see where I end up, I suppose.

Workin the Steel

2008-04-28T21:41:00.002-07:00

And so I've been training in the union for three weeks now, today we're starting week four, and today I just got my first introduction to welding. Lets just say fish out of water, lol. But it was fun.

Last week, we worked. That class and I were brought on to construction sites tying rebar. And let me tell you, you will never see a fat ironworker working in rebar. The amount of running around, the weight one must pack, the amount of time your hunched over tying the slab beneath your feet is EXHAUSTING. I was forming muscles in my legs I didn't even know I had. As much as I loved it, I don't think I've slept so much in one week. But the money I made, compared to the actual amount of time worked, is HUGE. CHA CHING! (there were days that us students were not needed on the site, lets just say that the weather, the steel manufacturers, the foreman and his crew .. all came into play. It was one rough week for EVERYONE).

All of last week, my days started at 5 in the morning, just so I can make it to work by 7 (or 7:30am), but at least we were done the site by 3pm. I really need a car, lol.

Harness

2008-04-10T21:40:00.002-07:00

And so the training continues ...
Today, was the introduction of harnesses and its proper and safe usage. And no, I'm not talking about the latest excursion to The Eagle, or a learning session with a "Master".

Today was my Fall Protection course needed for my Ironwork training. But needless to say, everytime the instructor even mentioned the word "harness", my mind wandered, lol.

Actual harness hurt, for me anyways, when suspended a short distance into the air ... but I must mention that its mainly due to my size. Well, it was my sign to get back to the gym, which I did immediately after class today. But my dinner of fried chicken sure didn't help things, lol.

A Days rest

2008-04-06T21:59:00.005-07:00

And so ... its sunday ....
I really have nothing to say today. It was a great weekend, went out with new friends on friday, had an awesome time with my new roommate (a friend of mine moved in). Finished it all off with a minor workout at the gym today.

For the most part, I just relaxed at home and chilled. It was nice. I haven't done that in a long time.

One thing though ... I really need to get laid, lol. And let me say this, these kind of pics ain't helping .. lol

NEW GEAR

2008-04-02T22:48:00.004-07:00

Did I mention that I was in a pre-apprentice program? I'm sure I did at one point .. even if just vaguely. Ah, the joys of a copious amount of time passing between posts; ya never know what ya mentioned before.

Anyways, I remember posting that I quit my job in favor for a program I got in. At first it was all up in the air as to whether or not they would accept my application, ya see .. I was waitlisted. And there were people ahead of me. And so I waited and waited, working a job I hated in the meantime but yet hoping for the best. And sure enough, last minute I got in.

And so, for the past few months, since February, I've been in a program and attending classes everyday. Now, I think this is the first time since high school that I actually attended classes everyday. But not only did I attend, I also showed up early for class. (That fact alone astounds me, lol) The biggest reason behind all this is that if I miss enough classes, I would be removed from the program. Anywho, the first month was a personal developement focus, and the next month (or actually 17 days) was upgrading to ensure a passing grade on the Apprenticeship exam. Its feels like its been long, but I'm sure its becuase of the low pay we receive monthly as incentive, and the fact that I'm not working in the inbetween time. So while doing all this, money is scarce.

But, its paying off ... just today I bought new steel toed boots, a pair of carharts and other miscellaneous stuff for work; ya see, starting monday I actually start training in the union shop. WOO HOO!

Another good thing is that a good friend of mine from high school, who I just happen to be in the same program, now lives with me and we're both learning the same trade. It really looks like things are starting to shape up for me. *knocks on wood* ... ya never know.

UPDATE ...

2008-04-01T22:25:00.002-07:00

Because alot of time has passed since I last posted something, I think its needless to say that alot has happened. So much, in fact that being online and being a net junkie has been last on my list.

For starters, I'm single. After a long long relationship, we've come to the realisation that our relationship was labelled something that it indeed wasn't ... at least thats the story I'm stickin with. It is true .. its just not the whole truth. In fact, it actually stretches for a long period of time spanning months. Truthfully, I personally was doubting the relationship in what feels like ages ago ... and I always had every intention of bring it up, but usually I would chicken-out out of fear of hurting him, or hurting me, or too much uncertainty was in the air about where I would live and such ... and as I thought and thought about this, life would happen, thus steering my attention towards something else. First is was losing my job, then it was the passing of my sister, then it was the fact that I was in school and really had no money .... but alas a time had come where I had to be truthful.

As mentioned, another passing of a loved one had come and gone. I ventured home to be with family (which was planned in the first place for the long weekend) and to help out with the funeral as my mother would be planning and taking care of the "arrangements" as second time since the passing of my older sister. I knew she would need the help even if she didn't really ask for it. But at the time, I thought more and more about myself and the life I was living and the people in my life and I realised, that I felt so alone. I wasn't the me that I even partially knew (as say that as I feel as if I'm on a constant trek to becoming who I am supposed to be). And I knew something had to change.

And so I took a look around my home town, my home indian reservation, and tried imagine the people that may fit in my life back home who were in my life now. And truth be told, no one fit. Not the guy I was with, not any of my friends; no one who I had encountered on a frequent basis. And as I analyzed previous conversations and chit chat, I realised the amount of judgement and prejudice towards my people that these people spoke with ... now it may be partially my fault in that I allowed it for so long, but nevertheless they continued to speak to me in such a manner. And so, I had to do what I'm currently doing now ... I'm keeping them at a distance. I'm continuing forth with my own journey on my own.

I've been in a huge rutt for the past year and I need to stop it. Right now, I need to surround myself with people I can trully call friends, people who are supportive and who challenge me in many ways. I needent be pitied or taken care of; I need to steer myself. I need to stand on my own two feet.

Its still a journey, life always will be. I just hope I don't make the same mistakes as I just did.

2008-03-25T21:51:00.002-07:00

Another holiday tainted with yet another loss of a loved one. I hope everyone's easter was ok, I hope ya hugged your loved ones. I didn't, I stayed at my moms in the basement drifting in and out of sleep as I was exhausted after the funeral for my auntie was over. And then after that I got sick. So in bed was where I stayed for a few days.

It sucks, ... the feeling of ... I don't know. It familiar though, cause I was just feeling it after my sister died in december. And now, here I was just three months later, burying my aunt next to my sisters grave. It was weird though, cause I just took a couple of steps back and I could see my cousins grave, right next to my other auntie who died a year before he did. 4 graves, in 4 years. I closed my eyes and prayed.

I was coming home for Easter weekend anyways, I needed to spend time with family, and I was determined that it wouldn't be a funeral that brought me home. Fate beat me to it. The moment I heard the news, I went home a few days earlier than I had planned.

No easter dinner this year, not for me nor my mom nor my younger sister. Every year we did, we would have a huge dinner at my moms where my aunts and their children would arrive and simply enjoy each others company. The 2-storey home would fill with screams of young ones and conversation of adults. In every square-inch there would stand someone.

But not this year. Instead, as I did in the basement, my mother stayed in her bed; exhausted from the days earlier. She needs her rest, and I pray she gets it.

2008-02-23T19:45:00.000-08:00

I quit.

2008-02-12T19:53:00.002-08:00

And so I quit. I had too. I couldn't take it anymore, I was tired of working graveyard shifts and tired of sleeping the daylight away. I need to see blue skys and the sun pass us by. I'm tired of sleeping all day and waking just in time to go to work for the evening. I need my social life back (ok ok ok, a wee bit dramatic considering I only worked there for a week). But honestly, the job was boring and not really that challenging ... and full of complete "know it alls". I was especially sick of being told to do something that earlier I was just told not to do, and sick of rolling eyes when I informed someone of this. I swear the next person that would have done it, I would have bitchslapped them so hard their future kids would have felt it. So I quit. It felt good. :-)

One HUGE reason for me quitting ... I was accepted into a trades program that I applied for. Sure I'll have lil money for the next few months, but after then, I'll be working as a First Year Apprentice Carpenter, and raking in the cash. WOO HOO.

2008-02-09T16:54:00.001-08:00

2008-02-09T16:51:00.000-08:00

500 POSTS!!!!

2008-02-07T05:33:00.000-08:00

500 Posts .. (actually, this is the 501st one), and it only took me three years, lol.

Honestly, I'm surprised it has gone on this long. I remember when I first started this here wee blog, I was new to the whole blog thing .. I didn't really have an understanding of it all and of what I was supposed to do. all I knew was, that there was a site I stumbled across while in college called AGuySite.com, and that was my inspiration, that is what I wanted to do.

And have I done it .... honestly, I would say no. Not a chance in hell, lol. But thats ok, cause this wee blog came my venting tool (mostly) as well as a place to post pics of hot men and whatever else may interest me. And at the time, a newly outed gay young man, dabbling in Law and taking a break from college; I needed a venting tool, especially while living in a city where I knew no one; in a city where I would meet my first boyfriend and dealing for the first time ever the trials of having a boyfriend. I needed someone, but didn't have anyone ... and so this blog came to be. And for that, I'm grateful for.

I hope that someday, this blog will become something more. I hope that it will at least affect people; cause them to think differently, or take more insight to whatever topic. I hope that it will cause one to grew, or at least for a moment give one time to reflect upon themselves and see the sun shining in brand new way.

Either way, 500 hundred posts. I guess thats something to celebrate for myself.

Frozen Grand Central

2008-02-04T00:18:00.000-08:00

Found this clip While I was blog surfing ... can't remember who posted it, but will I'll let ya know as soon as I figure it out.

Anyways, this is one of the wildest things I've ever seen.

Just another day

2008-02-04T00:09:00.000-08:00

And so I was sitting on the couch at my moms, channel surfing with no destination in mind when I got to thinking, "I feel like a waste, I should do something."

And just then, my 6 year old neice comes running into the living room screaming the most joyous scream I've ever heard, followed by my younger cousins of the same age yelling "I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you". And around the coffee table they continue the pursuit, slamming their feet on the floor that echoes throughout the house. My cousin catches up with my neice, and "tags" her and screams "YOUR IT".

Suddenly their direction performs a complete 180 and now my neice is chasing my cousin, yelling "I'M GONNA GET YOU!" The scamper around the coffee table in the opposite direction, and then out of the living room to somewhere else in the house. Their playful screams echo.

All I can think now is "I'm tired."

2008-02-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

one of my flickr faves

I Fell. It Hurt.

2008-02-02T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm definately taking it as a sign. So, on thursday I officially started my new job in the warehouse. As we all know, I've also lined up some other opportunities for me to partake in; other opportunities that I was eager to start. Therefore, when the phone call came in that I start work the next day, I was little enthused. But I figured I'd see what the job entailed; what I'd be doing, who I'm working with, and yadda yadda yadda, therefore I went.

It was ok, nothing exciting .. very few perks, 'cept for the wage. A very mediocre job. After four hours I could already see how I'd be feeling in the next few months after taking this job and knowing what I'd have passed up to do it. But, I do need money seeing as I haven't been working for two months. So I figured, working here for a week, at least I'd have some coin in my pocket.

And so after work, I went to the bank. I found a parking stall, parked. Opened the door, stepped out. And SLIPPED on a patch of ice. And now since the stall was on a slope, there was NO WAY I was stopping this fall. But, instictively I threw my hand onto the car to hold me up. It didn't work. As my hand stayed on the car, my body continued to fall the ground, thus popping my shoulder out as I fell and back in when I hit the ground, bruising the muscles.

Unfortunately, popping my shoulder is a comman occurrence, but this time it hurt bad. I went to the doctor, who told me not to use my arm for three - five days. First day on the job, and I'm already taking time off.

Yep, definately a sign.

... figures ...

2008-01-31T22:47:00.000-08:00

Figures. When life is at a stand still, and one is attempting to do this and that just to get his feet going again, all options spring up at once.

And so, after a month of waiting for a phone call, it finally came. The night of New Years Ever, I had spoken with a friend of mine (moreso an aquintance than a friend, I must admit, still a good guy though) about everything that had happened in the past month (at the time), and he had offered a job at his warehouse. I jumped at it as it was something different and at the same time I was guaranteed a job. And so, he said he would call when everything was in order.

A month passed, and nothing. And so, after giving up hope, I learned of a program where I could learn a trade and have a very well paying job within 4-5 months. My cousin refered me to the program, and therefore it was a sure thing. Well, the program starts on the 11th of this month. And immediately after I had done everything I was supposed to do to get into the program, I got the phone call. I started my new warehouse gig the next day.

And just for a bit of comedy, as some may find it funny ... Canadian Idol auditions are this weekend as well. In just a few days, everything that I had been considering for myself, was being put into motion all at the same time.

As of right now, I'm considering the program. Here's to hoping I'm doing carpentry in the summer time.

2008-01-30T18:56:00.000-08:00

(from the net)

Entangled

2008-01-25T00:26:00.000-08:00

Just to keep up activity ... here's a pic.

Hey Ya'll

2008-01-22T23:36:00.000-08:00

Well, unfortunately I've noticed a pattern emerging. There have been few and few posts as the months pass. One month there will be three posts, another would be five, but that sure is little when I look back at the beginning and see the numerous amounts of posts in one week.

Alas, I guess such happens as time goes on. As for a good reason for this, I can blame it on the fact that I have little privacy anymore, well .. did have little privacy at one point. Plus, I didn't really want my roommates to have access to that which are my personal thoughts. I mean, anonymity is okay and having readers is ok, but to suddenly have people think they "KNOW" me just because of what I write in a blog, AND having to deal with them everyday would drive me nuts. So I'd rather not deal with such people.

But, upon reading other blogs today, I've decided to post something again. A lil intro to that which is I. Sure sure I've done that before (I think), but this can be some kind of update since then. I mean, years have passed since I started this.

Hi, I'm a 26 year old guy. My last job was in a kitchen, that was an experience. But as for now, I'm unemployed. I'm the middle child of 5 kids total. Just recently however I've lost my older sister and that now makes four of us. A lil tidbit, I actually lost my sister and my job the in the same week; while I was away on vacation in Vegas (please don't ask if I "at least" had fun in Vegas, I left on the next flight I could). And then, a few days after that, my late sister's daughter had her 8th birthday. The funny thing, my older sister is in fact my cousin. My mother adopted her at the age of 8, along with her younger brother. Pretty ironic that years later my mother would become the legal guardian of her neice at that exact age (my sister had a daughter and was a single mother).

Anyways, with all this going on, I stayed in my hometown for the month of December. A week later, my younger sis would have her 18th birthday, and a day after that I would have my 26th birthday. 5 days after that, we would celebrate Christmas. It was a hectic month. Days before New Years, I would come back to Calgary, even though in my heart I didn't really want to leave home. I was a little iffy about it, I did want to come back, but then again I didn't; and I did when I didn't. All was confusing so I just needed time to myself.

It is now the 22nd. Weeks have passed. And yet, I still find myself wanting to be alone. I haven't really called anyone or been anywhere. But, I am at a point that I NEED a job as oppose to be simply "taking" time off.

I've just been thinking so much lately, and now I need to make a choice. Now is the time to take charge of my situation and grab the wheel and steer. Its been so long since I've done that, and I finally realise that now ... I need to live for me. I just don't know how to do that, yet.

On a postive note, I'm back at the gym. I've always had this membership, just never really used it. I made it about once a week, but never really made any effort. Because of it, my waist is bigger. So now, I've made it about three times a week. It feels good.

As for the post thing, the pessimist tells me this blog is slowly fading to non-existence ... if it hasn't already. Really though, the inspiration is just gone now. I don't have the content to post anything, and if I do I'm too tired to do it ... and the priority list, sadly this blog has dropped to the bottom.

I will still keep it up, just in case someday all inspiration comes back ... but I think, from here on in it'll mainly be a pic site .. just random photos of hotties and what nots. But here's to hoping.

New Year ... A New Year: prt Two

2008-01-03T03:33:00.000-08:00

Christmas morning.

I can hear the footsteps of kids running around upstairs, and the footsteps of my mom and auntie who have been up for hours preparing Christmas dinner. I want to get up and join them, but I have no energy in my body; and so I lay wide-eyed in my bed in the basement.

I stare off into the basement where my bed lies; tucked away in a corner of an unfinished basement, separated by mere blankets tacked up to the ceiling to provide a false solitude. The more footsteps I hear on the cieling abover push me further into an unwanted sleep.

Moments later, I am awake again, ripping myself from the bed sheets and forcing one foot beyond the other. It takes all energy, what little of it I have, to climb up the basement starewell. And as I pass the final step, the peak, a joyous "Merry Christmas" and shouted by my neice. I smile. I join my family in the kitchen as our Christmas dinner is ready, early this year so that we may be able to join other relatives for a greater family dinner later on.

Its the first time my brother and his family spent the night at my mothers for Christmas in years. They didn't really have to since they only live one town away. But my mother offered, knowing the trip they made the night earlier. Perhaps out of guilt they obliged; perhaps not. Either way, they are here, and I'm glad for it.

My younger brother is already here, with his son. And as we all gather around the feast that I'm sure my mother and my aunt slaved over, a different air is present. All family is here except one, my older sister.

And with that, I glance over at her daughter, my neice, who is playing with her cousin as if nothing has changed. I draw back my tears as my mother finishes her prayer.

We open gifts, exchange laughs and harmless insults; and go through almost with ease our first different Christmas.

New Year ... A New Year: prt One

2007-12-30T02:33:00.000-08:00

I sat behind the steering wheel staring off into the abyss before me, gazing off with no intentional stare as I find myself doing alot lately. The music from my Ipod played softly as my mom chatted on her cell phone on the hundredth call for the day. My two nieces sat with my lil sis in the back of the SUV, conversing back and forth as they usually do.

I slow to a halt and yeild to an approaching vehicle when my youngest niece catches my attention. "Did I cry?" she innocently asks.

I turn my head to catch her conversation with my sister, who replies "I don't know."

"What?" I ask.

"Did I cry," my neice asks again quite bluntly, "at my moms funeral?"

The car came quiet as I sat bewildered. I looked at my younger sis through the rear view mirror as she replied while staring at the floor a somber "I don't know."

My older sisters funeral was just weeks ago, and I sat in awe that her daughter, my niece didn't know whether she cried or not. Tears wanted to escape my eyes. "I can't remember," she said.

After another brief moment of silence, I answered her, "yes you did."

"Did I?!" she asked as if to be surprised. "When?" she went on, "At the wake or when we buried her."

"Both. But you cried alot when we were burying her. Your other Kokum (grandma) was holding on to you."

She sat quitely, thinking. "I don't remember," she said again.

"I do," I told her.

My brothers daughter, my other niece, started talking with her again; and then they were off in their own worlds again. As was my lil sis, who was now listening to her own Ipod, earphones and all.

From the corner of my eye I can see my mom glaring off into the horizon, just as I had been doing before the converstation started.

Slowly, I stepped on the gas and proceeded down the road so that we all may continue our Christmas shopping, which was only days away.

New Year ... A New Year

2007-12-30T02:10:00.000-08:00

Cabs Suck

2007-11-22T02:26:00.000-08:00

And so today (or night, since its 3 AM), I took two cabs to get home. Two.

The past few days have been nuts since our lounge closed down for renovations which also means labor must but cut as well. And therefore, today, I have two other able bodies in the kitchen instead of 5. And to make matters more interesting, they were all scheduled off early, leaving me even more clean up to do myself. Now maybe I'm just too used to the way it used to be, but it was hard.

After work, around 2AM, I called a cab. Now I must mention that I live on the other side of downtown and the only route to get home was through downtown. The ride does get interesting and expensive when you hit all the red lights.

As tired as I was, and even moreso because I have to be up early the next day to open the restuarant I had just closed, I was releived when the cab showed up mere minutes after I called. I jumped in, gave him my address, put on my headphones and slowly started dazed off (but I didn't fall asleep).

Next I know, after taking a phone call on his cell phone, the cabbie pulls over at a hotel and asks another cab (of a different company) if he's busy. He was, and we were off again, to another hotel where he dropped me off. Now, I'm nowhere near home, in fact, I'm only half way home AND halfway through downtown. From here, I had to hail another cab to get home.

I called the company and complained, who in return "assured" me that the cabbie was "disciplined" (whoever could not tell me how because it was against policy to do so). Whatever. And so, it costed me more to get home than it should in money, and time.

I'm still thinking about calling the Taxi Commission (the other cab I hailed told me to do so as that he seen what happened).

I'm OK

2007-11-19T02:22:00.000-08:00

And so, last week was just one of those things where I'm bomb-barded with emotion, leaving me little time to assess whats going on and having no choice but to roll with it. A lot of times, when emotions like that come around, its a sign for me to take some time for myself and stop focusing on everything else around me. When I do get through it, it tells me that I'm in no situation that I like and thusfully change is due. Thank god my vacation is coming up.

Just 4 more days, and I'm off to Vancouver (yet again), but moreso I'm embarking on a road trip down the west coast to Los Angeles and up again through Las Vegas and then back home. The stops will be Portland, San Fransico, Seattle, Los Angeles and then Vegas (where I'll be spending a week). Its a trip thats been planned since summer, but is actually sinking for me right now.

AND THANK GOD, cause I really need time away from work. Ever since my fave manager quit unexpectedly .. work has been chaos for me. Lets just say that she was the only one who cared about the workers. The rest of the managers are just stupid, and work ever since then has been a strain for me. But when we close for renovations, I'll have paid time off which will be nice. It'll give me time to search for a new job, lol .... suckers.

But times will a change after that, this I know. I don't know how I'll deal with the changes and such, but ... changes will be had. I'm keepin my head high; for I know whatever happens, there is someone out there that still cares for me for whom is someone I care for deeply as well. And for me right now, thats all that matters.

Freak On A Leash

2007-11-16T03:23:00.000-08:00

"Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Something's raped and taken from me... from me.

Life's got to always be messing with me. (You wanna see the light)
Can't they chill and let me be free? (So do I)
Can't I take away all this pain. (You wanna see the light)
I try to every night, all in vain... in vain.

Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You'll never see me fall from grace

Something takes a part of me ......

Something takes a part of me.
Feeling like a freak on a leash. (You wanna see the light)
Feeling like I have no release. (So do I)
How many times have I felt diseased? (You wanna see the light)
Nothing in my life is free... is free."

... lyrics that really represent how I'm feelin lately.

2007-11-16T03:22:00.000-08:00

Sheeps Clothing

2007-11-16T02:40:00.000-08:00

I remember, somethime ago, I had conquered something. It took alot of hard work, and alot of patience and faith. But I did it. I remember the feeling it gave me, and how happy I was that I conquered it. I just never thought it would be back.

The most unbareable feeling of all, loneliness, is back. I sit here, just back from work where I closed the restaurant by myself, and I realise that everything I do seems to be in that manner; by myself. Everyday, while I talk amongst those I work with .... I've come to realise, people who don't really know me. People I don't really know myself.

But for the most part, I walk as an empty shell.

Its not that some'thing' is missing ... in fact, alot is missing.

I miss my family whom I'm missing out on so much on. I miss my friends back home, my mom and my dad, and all my neices and nephews that I never see. I miss being recognised. I hate being nothing but a speck of dust. I hate it that I don't matter. I hate being used.

I'm back ...

2007-11-12T01:24:00.001-08:00

And there he stands, with his usual ball cap and leather vest; looking even more sexier than I remember.

He doesn't see me as he stands at the bar making conversation. And so I walk towards him. I walk knowing this time what it is I want. I walk, with no words to say, just action to do. I approach him, and hug him from behind.

My heart is speeding as I sigh onto the back of his neck, and I whisper "I'm back."

I imagine his reaction is stillness, he just stands there as I hold him again. Breathing heavily, I repeat, "I'm back, if thats ok with you."

I can feel his hair against my forehead, and the warmth of his husky body as its pushed up against mine. I'm holding on as tight as I can. I'm holding on, and I don't want to let go.

I don't get a response as I awake too soon.

Silence & Stillness

2007-11-08T02:34:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been asked to close the restaurant. Normally I wouldn't do it because I don't believe in working overtime when you don't get paid for it. But this new kitchen manager seems to want to make things work and I've seen the hard work he's been putting in and the hard work of others. I just figure, I can help lessen their headaches, even if for just one night. Well, the one night is now three nights, and my social life has now gone to shit, lol. Not really .. but the weeks do go by alot faster and I do get my alone time that I desperately need.

Anywho, back to the point .... tonight, I closed. But tonight, was slow. So I managed to get out of the restaurant pretty early, still the last one out mind you, but it was early.

To pay homage to it, I ventured to a bar I used to frequent quite often; just to see who worked there and to have some time to myself before I went home. And as I sat there, reading the newest edition of the local gay paper "Gay Calgary", a patron walked up to me and asked if I would, for him, draw what it was I was thinking. I obliged after immediately realising that he didn't fully realise he was disturbing me. And so I drew. I drew pretty quickly, and for the most part absent-mindedly. I just wanted him to go away.

But as I withdrew from the drawing, I noticed I drew a landscape. Over the plains you can seen a mountain range with a clear sky up above; pretty simple drawing obviously with the mere moments it took to conjure it up, but my drawing nevertheless.

And as for what I was thinking ... the man who wanted it simply took it as I'm "a man who loves the outdoors". How much more simplistic can one get in regards to an analysis? Succeedingly I detered him away with a simple nod. Happy that I obliged with his "project", he teetered back to his bar stool and continued with his night. I stared up at the bartender as he read my facial expression and empathized with a shooting to his head with his fingers.

But it did get me thinking .. my drawing. It wasn't until moments ago that I finally realised what I drew. It wasn't my "love of the outdoors" that I was trying to express. No. Instead it was my longing for silence. For there was nothing indicating noise or chaos in my pic. Instead, it was a mere landscape; a pretty peaceful one if you ask me. It was the whole aesthetic nature of the thing that, I felt, was supposed to symbolize peace, my craving for stillness.

Not everyone gets it I'm sure. But it is a longing. A longing for everything to come to a standstill and just stop.

2007-11-08T01:39:00.000-08:00

Halloween was halloween. After the funeral, I spent time with family before I had to be on the road again; mainly spent time with my mom. We cooked dinner quickly before the constant disruption of knocks at the door followed by "Trick Or Treat!". My older sis stopped by with my niece and her newest edition, a pup named Missy, and had dinner with us. In a family of 6 (more if you include their kids), it was still nice with just the three of us. We chatted about ourselves and about what was new over a roast chicken dinner, all the while handing out candies and treats to plenty of ghouls and goblins and princesses and animals alike, who arrived to our doorstep.

It seems to be custom to be constantly busy whenever I can make it home; little time to ever sit still.

Soon after dinner, my mom had her bingo itch and went off for the evening, leaving me to hand out whatever candies were left. I didn't mind, I was home; and by the this time my lil neice was already becoming quite a help (which quickly ended, evident by her constant hissing (literally) at trick-or-treaters, I thought she was in character at the time as she was dressed as a vampire with fake blood tearing from her eyes [which actually looked like a bad war paint job, lol]. But what else to expect from children.)

The candies were running low as my best friend showed up at the door in all smiles as his middle child, dressed as a pumpkin, softly called "Trick or Treat". They visited for awhile; followed by my aunt with her tribe of 3 boys (her own) and 3 grandkids (same age as her boys who are the children from her neice [my cousin, native families get complicated]). Nevertheless, the house got noisy as they screamed and "talked loudly" as one child professed when asked to stop shouting.

In a flash though, they all left to continue their evening and soon go home. Well, most anyways, as my aunts grandkids (my niece and nephews) were the only ones watching tv; apparently I was left to babysit. So much for my plans of leaving to visit more people that evening. Hours later their 'ride' would show up, and they were off.

It was nice though, the last time I seen them, they were just kids, barely able to speak a word. And now, there they stood speaking with appropriate grammar; as much as pre-teens could speak that is. Not a single diaper in sight. My how I've missed so much.

That evening I pretty much slept, thusly in doing so missing my bus back to calgary and rushing around the next day to catch another.

It was an odd Halloween this year. Definately one I didn't plan.

2007-11-04T22:11:00.001-08:00

And so I rolled back home at 5:30 in the morning after leaving immediately after work the night before. Hours later I was awake again.

I hadn't really been home for awhile, and I felt somewhat guilty that the reason I was home was for a funeral. But nevertheless, I was home. My mom was asleep in her voice, my sis in hers, and two of my aunts asleep in the livingroom. I was home.

I had made it to the wake at my best friends house. I pulled up on the country road and parked on side as there was no parking anywhere near the house. Hundreds of people showed up to pay their respect for the passing of a great man. Old co-workers of mine were there; as well as long time friends I haven't seen for years. Many hadn't looked the same as when I had first left for college, but after a brief catch-up session, I had seen that many hadn't changed at all.

The relationships of long past were still evident for me. I had found old high school friends and hung with them for the majority of the wake, up until the procession at the burial site. And I hung around with one of my best friends to show her I still cared for her and loved her as I did in high school; for she was the one who had lost a father.

Throughout my entire visit, I remembered their family. How they interacted with each other, how they spoke, and their own distinct smile that only a family member could bring out. I was always envious of them. They always looked so happy.

My guess is that they knew that this may happen. For even now, they all seemed happy. Sure they were greiving for their lost loved one, and it showed; but a smile would still break out.

I miss home.

I'm going home

2007-10-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

Why does no one get it? I mean really, when I say leave me alone, then leave me alone.

I just found out that their's a death in the family back home. My best friend from high school who also happens to be my neice (its complicated), her dad passed away.

Funeral news always puts me in a state of mind. And no one really gets it. They always seem to think that gettin me to think of something else, or trying to cheer me is something they HAVE to do. When all I really want is to be left alone. And the more they try, that more it angers me.

So now, immediately after work today (at 2:30 in the morn), I'll be venturing home, and prolly leaving as soon as its done to come back here to Calgary; cause I "have to work". All I really want to do is stay home and visit family and friends, alot of whom I haven't seen in a long time and really miss alot. For most, I can't remember the last time I seen them, for some it has been years.

My head is gone right now. Just so much thinking.

PS: Oddly enough, and I feel kind of bad for thinking it, it is kind of releiving that I'm not going home becuase of a suicide or drinking and driving accident. My cousin died of natural causes.

2007-10-18T03:03:00.000-07:00

Native Americans

2007-10-06T01:51:00.000-07:00

I Didn't Know I Couldn't Do That ...

2007-10-06T01:48:00.000-07:00

A Slap to the Face.

2007-10-05T02:20:00.001-07:00

I know, I haven't written or posted anything for awhile. Truth be told, I've just been going through the motions, living day by day, contemplating what do next. And really, nothing has been happening, nothing astounding that will cause me to think. Nothing in everday life has been capturing my eye to take notice. Lately its just been me with every passing moment. But now, change is coming. Just as I knew it would.

And so I heard today, from the AGM (Assistant General Manager), about an incident that happened on sunday. (actually, a fellow co-worker told me about it, and I asked the AGM, who at first tried to ignore the subject by telling me it was a long story, but hours later told me). It turns out that three cooks at my restaurant were, very visibly and audiably, poking fun and cracking insults towards a native man, who wore an eye patch, in the restaurant. He sat there, tried to pretend he didn't hear what was going on, but out of frustrations flipped the cooks the bird. Apparently in an attempt to not be outdone, the three cooks banded together, stood at a very visible position and struck a pose as if too "call on" the native man. A few more words were exchanged on their part, and the native man continued to sit and eat his meal, with his family that were there also.

After the native family finished their meal, they paid and left. But moments later, he returned and spoke his mind about his disgusting encounter with the manager on duty. Turns out the manager on duty was the AGM. In an attempt to salvage the situation, the AGM paid for the meal, and with a family of 9 it was huge bill.

The native man left. And would never return again to the establishment I work in.

My situation: I'm native. The three other cooks still work there, and after I spoke with the AGM, no disciplinary action had taken place.

He had mentioned that it wasn't racially intended, that the three cooks were just being "assholes". All I can think is "does the native man" know that? The idea that the cooks were just "fooling around", does that justify the fact that no action had taken place? Does the idea of it just being a joke, justify the humiliation and embarassment this native man had to encounter with his family by his side?

I'm putting in my notice tomorrow and speaking directly with the owner. I might even write a letter to the franchise in which this restaurant operates under.

2007-09-21T03:09:00.000-07:00

I know, its been a long while since I typed anything. The fact that this has become a even more common occurence is a fact I cannot ignore.

Honestly, I just have many thoughts I need to sort through and little time to do it.

But, in the interesting of continuing to post that which interests me (and not simply focusing on venting that which plagues my mind), here is a clip of one of most favorite songs of all time, Lonely Day. It is a piano cover of said song.

This here is the actual music video of System of A Down, the band whom the song belongs too.

Father

2007-09-03T23:29:00.000-07:00

And so, here is a dream I had attempted in telling someone, someone I thought I might be able to talk too ... instead, halfway through it I got the brushoff.

But anyways, just so that I can share it .. and perhaps get some insight ...

in my dream, I'm standing by myself and just "being" so to speak. Nothing significant was happening nor could I see anything beyond me anyways. It was just me, standing there. And suddenly I'm approach by a young boy. He stood up to my waist and therefor could have only been 5-8 years old (I'm really bad at guessing age, but he was only a child). And he started asking questions about his father. Now, I cannot recall any direct question or phrasing he used .. but it steered along the lines of "why doesn't my father spend time with me", or "why does he spend more time with his other family" and other kinds of questions like that. But one question he never asked, but I knew he felt, was "why doesn't my father love/like me (why aren't I as important as them, to paraphrase)?".

And I stood there, staring down at him. I had wanted to answer all of his questions, to make him feel loved and all in all just feel better about himself. But he was asking about someone that I really didn't know or understand, and therefore all I could do was remain silent. With my arm, I nudged him closer and hugged him.

Suddenly it dawned on me, I recognised his brown hair and broad sholders. And as he stared up at me with lost eyes, I stared down on my nephew. It was my brother he was talking about? My brother was his father.

"I don't know," was all I could reply. And so we sat on sofa, and I hugged him as much as I could as he curled up and leaned in towards me. "But I love you," I whispered.

And as I said it, I could still feel his pain and still empathise with him that he deserved more; even though I knew it was all I could give.

And as the dream gave way and I slowly started to wake up, I remember thinking that if the dream stayed longer, then I would have been his father. He would become my son and I would care for him so that he may never feel lost again.

**** ***** **** *****

As I worked throughout the day, the dream lingered in the back of my mind. Was it a message? Had my nephew reached out to me asking for answers that I didn't have? I missed him when he visited my mom, his grandmother, for the summer. Was he reaching out?

Or was it my head telling me something about myself? My brother and I look alike, almost like identical twins (or so friends back home tell us) and therefore it isn't out of the question that my nephew also looks like me when I was younger. Did I speak with myself, asking questions that lingered for so many years that I still have no answer for? Did I just tell my inner child that I love myself?

Or was it just a dream? And I'm putting on it so much value and worth than needs to be?

Whatever the case, it was my dream ... and it hit me deeply. I felt it wholeheartedly that even when I awoke I felt a great amount of disgust towards my brother for making my nephew feel this way.

This is a dream I need to figure out.

(PS: just to mention, my brother has 5 kids, two from a previous girlfriend and who now live miles and miles away, and three with a current girlfriend (engaged)whom he is still with. My nephew I dreamed about is actually 7 years old. And also to mention: my parents have split up when I was 12 yrs old, and even though my father lived 5 minutes away, I've only ever seen him or talked to him 5 times a year.)

Angels - Robbie Williams

2007-08-21T00:42:00.000-07:00

I song I would love to try for karaoke. (yes, I like "scary'oke")

Something Different

2007-08-15T03:54:00.000-07:00

Its been a LONG day at work. And I mean a LOOOONG day at work. I was the last one to leave; the new order came in .. and left. The cleaners came in .. and left. And there I was, still doing my duties amidst it all. It was like a ten pound metal ball chained to my ankle; it all took forever ... plus a day.

N E WAYS ... here I sit, a drink in hand with a movie playin on the tube (Take The Lead ... shhh, don't tell anyone), and now reminiscing about dance class in junior high. It was mandatory, the class .. only cause it was also apart of my gym class. Imagine how us boys felt when suddely we were playing basketball one day then suddenlty learning the fox trot.

But it was cool. We learned it .. cause we had too. But for me, it was fun. Learning new steps and new sequences, listening to other kinds of music other than what I heard in the halls all day long. It was different, it was nice.

Suddenly I remembered; when I was learning the Jive, for some odd reason I was pulling off all the pulls and turns and twists; up until the teachers (plural since there was a guy teach for the boys and vice versa) noticed me and started talking amongst themselves. All I could recollect was " ... just check out how he turns .. "(and blah blah blah). Needless to say, I danced stiffer than a cock at your local Eagle.

I hate attention ... just let me be and don't judge me, lol.

I LOVE Family guy

2007-08-14T14:33:00.001-07:00

The Best of Gay Stewie

You've Got A Gay

Crazy lil Thing Called Love

2007-08-13T23:21:00.000-07:00

I've been going on a Buble state of mind lately ... not only is he talented, he's cute too (in a babyface kinda way.

Have A Little Faith

2007-08-12T05:37:00.001-07:00

From Van

2007-08-10T13:39:00.000-07:00

WOW has it been awhile since I posted anything .. my apologies peoples. I've just been so caught up with work and catchin up on sleep and vacationing in Vancouver, that really .. I had little time to think of anything to post let alone the time to post it.

But for now .. here are some random hotties in Vancouver who were out an about for Pride.

2007-07-31T03:03:00.000-07:00

So quickly my mind jumps mounds of thoughts; realising this and that, realising tit for tat. Caught in an never ending web of chaos contrived in everyday papers. I jump, only to see each mound yanks me back to one intricate truth.

He's hurting, and I feel I can't help him. He's hurt, and I hurt.

Tit Humper = Buble'

2007-07-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

Secret 7

2007-07-27T02:49:00.000-07:00

teaser

2007-07-25T03:04:00.000-07:00

I know, I remember a wee bit back I had mentioned that I preferred to be behind the camera .. and thats still true. BUT, I did find a way to post a cartoon pic of me. It pretty much sums it up of me.

AND onto other things ... I test drove a tattoo. Yeah yeah yeah sure, it was airbrushed, the next morning I washed it off ... but really I wanted to get a response on what people thought. Maybe it'll be permanent next time, who knows.

Numb - Linkin Park

2007-07-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

This music video describes perfectly what I felt whilst in high school; a feeling that also followed me to college.

Music Video

2007-07-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

This is perhaps one of the best music videos I have ever seen.

sicky

2007-07-21T01:15:00.000-07:00

I'm sick .. it sucks.

I should have known something was up when at work I noticed a lump at the very end of my throat that was not letting me swallow food or drinks. It fuggin hurt everytime I tried.

Come 3 in the morning, I'm done my closing duties (finally), and I go home. Only to break out into a massive fever. Of course to me at the time, I wondered why the apartment was really cold. I sat on the sofa .. and started feeling a lil woozy ... yep, straight to bed. Only to awake in the morning and have every aroma in the apartment go straight to my gut and almost have me throw up.

At least I didn't have to go to work.

The lump in my throat is still there.

I forgot how good neo citrin could be.

Now if you'll excuse me, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is on.

Secret #6

2007-07-18T12:44:00.000-07:00

Somewhere, tucked away in the apartment, is my black acoustic guitar that my mom bought me "for christmas" (it was meant as a Christmas gift that was actually purchased months later). I hadn't touch it in months. And its still missing a string one year later.

My original intent was to learn to play by ear, like my dad had done. I just didn't do it.

2007-07-17T00:39:00.001-07:00

Evaluation: Work

2007-07-17T00:06:00.000-07:00

Work .. sadly its all I can talk about these days. It seems to be the only I do. Work work work.

I got my employee evaluation today, I really didn't worry about it since I'm now heavily thinking about leaving. I even called back home to see if any jobs were available (home is three hours away and a very small town, its a big decision to make and one I'm really thinking about .. there are alot of factors to consider). So when I heard evaluations were being done, it didn't matter much to me anyways. Plus, it wasn't really a surprise when the new manager commented "One of the cooks/supervisors I don't really need to worry about." Not to stroke my own ego, but I'm one of the few that can carry my own weight and just get the job done without a huge debate about this and that. "Its a job, just get it done," thats what I think.

But I heard today that two of my favorite servors have put in their notice. There go two of the smart ones, and the smart ones are a few already. And while a few of us were talking about it, it slipped that two more are also going to put in their notice. Two more smart ones, gone.

Slowly and slowly, more and more revelations surface that push more closer to the door.

Really though, there is just too much bickering and talking behind peoples backs that simply listening to it all gets me tired. There are too many grown adults complaining and whining, it all hurts the head. This whole restaurant reaks of desperation just to stay afloat that even after its renovations are done there will be no difference like all had hoped. No, it won't change.

And I used to think that I was helping out the people who are really put in hard work to make this establishment work. But now, all I can think is that I really should just help myself and make a difference for me, (since the differences that I have been making have gone deeply unnoticed).

But where do I go? What do I do? (there is more to this thought I will post another day ...)

Secret # 5

2007-07-16T23:46:00.000-07:00

It was a thing of beauty.

thursday

2007-07-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

Mystery Trailer Causing Buzz

2007-07-09T19:24:00.000-07:00

Gotta love it when production companies start a buzz. lol .. I guess, I really don't know. Thats me trying to sound all movie-like, like I'm in the biz or something.

Anyways, what I'm gettin at is movie trailers. When done correctly they can give the tingling feeling inside your chest, the feeling of anticipation; the feelings I got when I seen the X-Men trailer for the first time.

On saturday, I went and watched the Transformers movie. And let me just say this ... AWESOME! I mean, wow. Absolutely WOW. I'm going to see it again, on the big screen, again. Thats how much I loved it.

But for big block busters, I love the previews chosen. (yes, I'm one of those who love watching previews ... shh, don't tell anyone) And let me tell you, the trailer .. the mystery trailer that was unnamed, the one with the flying head of the Statue of Liberty, the trailer that caused thousands to run to the internet to find out what it is ... that one, I found it.

For a blockbuster disaster pic, its been produced on a modest budget (so they say, but when the trailer is in the style of a handheld camera, whose to deny that chance ...) And the cast consists of relatively unknowns. (But here's a lil trivia .. there is a girl on The Class, who also stared in Mean Girls with Lindsey Lohan, who has a part in this movie. Thats all I'll say.) And so far, there is lil info available regarding the premise of this new disaster flick. But, this just may be one case where you can judge a book by its cover since the trailer is simply awesome.

Thus far, info that is available on the net is calling this flick Cloverfield .. and if you want to see the trailer .. just click here.

UPDATE: Even the trailer provided by Apple.com is nameless and provides no premise. Instead the title given for the trailer is in fact its release date, January 18, 2008 (1.18.08). But it does offer a HD trailer .. and can be found here.

Back 2 Me

2007-07-07T01:23:00.000-07:00

It was cold. The entire room was cold, and it felt good. It felt like I was at home again. A childs peace surged within me as I stepped onto the ice and glided to the center. It felt like I was floating. And there I stood, dead center of the ice rink as I glared at the stands surrounding me.

And I remembered. I could see once again my parents sitting in the stands, together, cheering me on; surrounding by other parents all cheering. It echoed throughout arena and I was exhilerated.

I pushed with one leg to the boards towards the penalty box, and followed them as they surrounded the ice. My skates glided along the ice in perfect harmony of the beating of my heart, and there I kept it; in sync with every beat. But with every stroke I took another preceeded it even more quickly. Faster and faster I skated along the boards of the rink, and the faster I went the more excited I got. Suddenly, I was child again.

Quickly I turned around, still heading in the same direction, skating backwards. And even backwards I lodged around the corners of the rink. And I stopped.

Catching a breath, I remembered what it was like as a tyke, holding the hockey puck behind the goalies net. Staring down at the opponents nets, your ultimate goal; and realising how to get there. The five opposing players stay fixated on you as your teammates set themselves up for a play. And theres no choice but for you to press on.

You make your way forward, dodging this player and that player, zigging left and zagging right all the while picking up speed. You never know what the opponent will do; whether they'll poke your hockey stick with theirs at an attempt to loosen the puck, or if they'll body check you to the ice like you just hit a brick wall. But your always ready, to pass the puck or simply press forward, your ready.

And I as I skated up along the ice, pretending to dodge this person and that person and ultimately make the winning goal, I savoured it. I missed it with all my heart and for once I was in my glory.

... It was another heavy sleep. The mintue I awoke I swore I just came back to life as all my muscles ached at slightest movement. I was hot in this summers sweltering heat. But I remembered.

Even in the summer time, I was off at hockey summer camp.

Soundtrack of My Life

2007-07-07T01:10:00.000-07:00

Apparently the game is to grab your ipod, or open up your music library at least, and push shuffle for ALL your songs (not just playlists). For ever question, you push next and copy what your player plays. And so here, is my own soundtrack of my life.

opening credits:
So I Need You (acoustic), 3 Doors Down

waking up:
Board Meeting (Timbaland)

first day at school:Rain Down On Me, DJ Tiesto

falling in love:Hello Lonely (Walk Away From This), Theory of a Deadman

breaking up:Resurrection, PPK

prom:Home, Three Days Grace

life’s okay:Oceans, Pearl Jam

mental breakdown:Straight 2, Big River Cree (actual Pow Wow music of my heritage, … this is very odd and rather disturbing)

flashback:One Night in Bangkok (club Mix), Global Deejays

driving:The Knight Rider Duo Remix, Busta Rhymes ft, Magoo and Timbaland

getting back together:By My Side, Stat Quo (of the Eminem Re-Up cd)

wedding:Break Stuff, Limp Bizkit (lol .. too funny)

birth of a child:Crazy Bitch, Buckcherry

final battle:Supermans Dead, Our Lady Peace

death scene:Porch, Pearl Jam

funeral song:Through The Glass, Stonesour (how suiting … would be perfect has a funeral song)

end credits:Diseased, Seether
(lyrics actual start like this “Leave your mark under my skin, oh my how strong you are. And feast your eyes on my disdain, and hope this one won’t scar. I will never belong to you, again. I will never belong to you.")

Ok, so I have many MANY genres on my Ipod, but each are there for their own purpose and I simply like them all

You know I Had To

2007-07-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

Find out which Transformer you are at LiquidGeneration!

Choices

2007-07-04T03:25:00.000-07:00

Years .... years. Its amazing how one word can describe .. a lifetime. Years.

I haven't really looked back to where I was just three years ago, or anytime longer than that. I can't really decide if thats a good thing or not. But it has happened, years have passed.

One thing I do remember is that when I was still in college, I was wondering when something good would happen in my life. I realise now, that the greatest thing to happen in my life is that it started; I actually started living. Within the past two years, I have made choice after choice in regards to me. Some have been good, some have been bad. But choices were made.

And here I sit again, pondering even more choices.

I really can't go into more detail seeing as its late for me (for one thing) and that this kind of entry entails more detail on my own thinking and even more detail to communicate. Its a process.

Secret #4

2007-07-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

I have many insecurities about myself, and I mean many. And trust me, if it isn't one thing, its another. Whether its my cheeks, my nose, my gut ... its always something. Therefore, I prefer to be behind the camera, which also means there are few pics out there with me in them.

(PS: excuse the burning cross on the tv in the background, was watching Bad Boys 2 at the time. I ended up switching the channel because it was edited ... damn TBS)

Been Awhile, Pics

2007-07-02T02:46:00.001-07:00

It was the rodeo weekend here in Calgary .. and Damn! What I night! And what a story to tell. But that, I will save for later. I'm still organising and modifying some pics, but for now .. here's some eye candy.

Huh?!

2007-06-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

Apparently

"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo"

is an actual grammatically correct sentence.

Apparently the phrase stated does have nouns, proper pronouns, and verbs; and when restated can also sound as such,

"Bison from upstate New York who are intimidated by other bison in their community also happen to intimidate other bison in their community."

Buffalo .. huh. Should I mention that my family's maiden name is Buffalo?

Whats a native to do?

Secret #3

2007-06-30T01:43:00.000-07:00

I LOVE MOVIES!!!! And I don't think I can stress that enough. I ... LOVE ... MOVIES.

Always have, ever since I was a wee kid laying at the top of the staircase watching the movie my parents were watching (not porn, you sicko) when I was supposed to be asleep. I grew up with HBO's movie central; which was very rare back home since HBO was an American Channel and I am obviously Canadian.

My parents, back in my childhood days, had the satellite that was so massive it took up the entire backyard. I was a country kid, so it was a big yard anyways; we had the space.

And my obsession grew and carried on well into my high school years when friends and I would plan trips to the city just to watch the latest blockbuster at multiplexes. Even in my last year of highschool, when all my friends were already in college (or moving on with life after highschool), I would travel to the nearest city where friends had moved too and we would have a movie night out, the bunch of us sitting in front of a small tv with munchies in hand, laying on the floor with blankets spread out and pillows as head and back rests. Those were the days.

Even to this day, when I travel back home, conversation always turns to, at some point or other, "Have you seen blah blah blah yet?"

I still love movies. I even took film history in college. Hell, I'm even planning on going to Vancouver Film School and checking out the school while I'm at Vancouver Pride this year.

My obsession for movies kind of sucks right now, cause right now I have no one to watch movies with.

Once before, Never since

2007-06-27T03:12:00.001-07:00

And so, I put it back in my pocket, realising that since then I really hadn't seen the magnificent artwork I had seen on that island coast.

But the smell of salty water and the texture of warm breezes haunts me. Gettin smaller with time its punch to the gut has turned to a prick of a needle, but still there to remind me of the vast canvas of life painted by the distant artist.

Perhaps its a moment that I will never get back, like a speck of dust meeting the ocean. It is a moment, buried beneath the life that occured after its existence.

But its still a moment that is mine.

A Distant Artist

2007-06-26T02:11:00.001-07:00

And there I stood, a warm salty breeze brushing against my face as I gazed off into the orange, red and grey painted clouds over the horizon. It was breezy, but still warm. As other tourists awed at the sight of turtles amidst the shore waters behind me, I stayed fixated on the ocean meeting the sky. How I so wanted to go there; to the end of the world to meet the one painting the canvas called life; to discover the inspirations behind it all. How I so wanted to be lifted from where I stood and feel the comfort of the pillowy clouds above me; to be consumed whole by them all.

And I waited, feeling as if I was seconds away from it happening.

I closed my eyes, and let myself go at the rythym of crashing waves against island rock. How I wanted to keep that moment; to take it and put it in my pocket so that on any other day when I needed reminding of how beautiful the world is, I can take it out and look at it; so that I can be there again at moments notice.

And waves crashed in harmonic intervals as the wind passed my ears. Nature was playing its finest symphony just for me.

I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes to see that the clouds had changed, still beautiful in all its wonders, but still different. A new painting had begun to emerge, and I was swept away yet again.

This memory is in the pocket of my mind, it takes time to find it amongst the clutter of every day little papers; but its there. And there to sweep me away yet again.

Secret #2

2007-06-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

I'm not a phone person. Never have been, and probably never will. While I have many friends both here in Calgary and back home, I don't always call them. And yet, I always wonder why I'm the "last to know".

I get to the point where I think about calling someone, and then thats it. I never actually pick up the phone and dial.

It kind of sucks, cause I have so many friends, most of which are awesome people and people I would like to hang out with, but that never happens. I end up doing the same old shit with the same people (who are cool too). I just crave variety.

Yuck

2007-06-25T00:29:00.000-07:00

Someone hit skunk ... I drove through the aftermath.

Skunks stink.

..... I still smell it. .... I better not dream of skunks ... or weed.

The buck is passed

2007-06-21T01:40:00.000-07:00

Ouch .. what a day. Work was crazy nuts today, one of my printers completely conked on us, and for a kitchen, thats bad. On the one printer that was working, orders were doubling up and entire bills were slit in two ... it was crazy. Especially when dinner rolled around followed by the obliged team rush. Fun Fun Fun.

Work ... I tell ya, its gettin harder and harder to walk through those doors. I had "heard" that upper management was talking about me behind my back. The managers all complaining that "I don't care". Figures, the minute the previous KM (kitchen manager) quit, the buck gets passed on to me. They all seem to forget what I put myself through to make it easier on them. The seem to have forgotten the 'favors' I've been doing and have been doing for months now.

I think what has pissed them off is that I've declined the Assistant Kitchen Manager position.

All I can say is excuse me for taking care of myself. The fact that this is now my fourth kitchen manager in the span of a year says alot. Its something I don't want, not with this kitchen. I don't mind added responsibility, but keep the title. Don't expect me to work massive amounts of overtime, especially since I won't be gettin paid the overtime hours (something thats against the law might I add).

Its odd, how they're talking of me not caring is actually making that statement true.

Secret #1

2007-06-20T02:31:00.000-07:00

And so ... to overcome my writers block (and mainly to write something simple), I've decided to write what I've seen commonly on flickr and have seen on other blogs. The "Secret's" montage. (cue orchestrated music and rapid pic intervals)

It's simple, I can do it (with what little energy I have), and it challenging for me (thusly allowing me to choose what will be posted).

And right now ....

SECRET #1

I stop breathing while I sleep. Past bf's have said so. Who am I to argue with them?

Folsom

2007-06-19T02:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I do NEED to post something. So why not some pics I've stumbled upon. Now here is somewhere I would REALLY love to go ...

More pics can be found at Folsom Street East 2007

Still here

2007-06-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

RAWR! .. lol. I'm back .. I'm here.

I would have posted sooner, but really there is nothing to post.

Work is still a bitch, now they're asking me to close the restaurant one night so that I can open it the next day. It sucks ... I soo need a job.

But once I'm in writing mood again, I'll let y'all know.

Erased a post

2007-06-10T19:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, so out of a drunken stupor last night, I've posted perhaps the most revealing post I've ever done. But, I was uncomfortable with it. I did not want anyone to know such things, most of all .. I did not want anyone to discover the most intimate details of my life simply because I drank and typed. A drunken blog post, isn't always fun to read.

Nah, instead, should I happen to be vocal about my past, I want to type it out coherently; without the aid of alcohol. Therefore, I erased it.

For those who got to read it, congrats ... I suppose. I really don't mind you knowing. Really I don't. And if you have something to say about it ... then by all means, say it. Perhaps I may need it.

The box

2007-06-09T00:14:00.000-07:00

I think I've found out why I find myself in a box these days.

I've often found out that while I may be signed on messenger, and have numerous email addresses, and have phone numbers written on numerous small bits of paper, I really don't talk to anyone or engage in any type of dialogue. While at work I can be sarcastically witty with days events, on the verge of insulting even, there really is no qualitative dialogue. After work, I punch out, go home and sleep (due to exhaustion).

When the phone rings, its not for me. When an email arrives, its merely a chain letter or a responsive automatic email sent from an online community. All that don't offer person to person contact.

And for those I do chat with ... it sends me to a slump. I usually end up talking to people who are moving to Montreal for art school (good luck Scotty), or chat with an ex whose meeting his new beau's family in Ottawa (good luck BJ), or chat with an ex whose just met his perfect master (something he's always wanted that I don't think I can offer him). They all have something to say, something positive, something that indicates they are moving forward. Their news always make me feel stagnated, at a stand still.

Its not their fault of course, I'm happy that they're getting what they want. And I wish nothing but good things for them. I just wish something good would happen for me. Its been a long year and I'm just tired of things not going right.

Oh well, I'll figure this out I'm sure. Besides, its Pride weekend here in Calgary. Parade on sunday, in which I was asked to drive a convertible for it, but can't cause my liscence expired (damn liscence), and I'm buying my new mountain bike tomorrow. So far, thats my news ... how newsworthy in comparison to everything else, lol. But, its mine.

Happy Pride ya'll.

2007-06-04T23:08:00.001-07:00

Now here's something I haven't done in awhile ...

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Awesome pics, Awesome Blog, Hot Dude

2007-06-03T14:50:00.000-07:00

And so ... through flickr.com I've discovered a blog. Now, had I simply opened my eyes to profiles instead of merely oogling hot pics, I would have noticed. But, this guy's pics are AMAZING. Plus, he's hot. His own self portraits are fantastic.

Trust me, you'll love it. You can find more HERE!!

OR go to his blog called BLOG BLOG BLOGGITY BLOG (come to think of it, I've seen that title somewhere before.)

2007-06-03T02:29:00.000-07:00

"Hi," I said desperately, " ... do I know you?"

His empty yet hoping eyes stared back at me, saying nothing in return. No friendly gesture, no blink of an eye. Nothing.

He looked heavy with burden, tired for such a young fellow. I wanted to stretch out my arms and at least offer a hug, but I soon felt such a gesture would be met with disrespect. It felt more comfortable to do nothing, and just stare at him.

"Are you okay," I had wanted to ask. But his eyes told me not too. His sullen demeanor spoke thousands of words that I could not comprehend, yet could still feel. Somehow I knew I must do nothing.

He seemed angry, tired, hurt ... all at the same time. Somehow I knew he had become a drone, a walking expressionless shell. The bags under his eyes told me so.

And so I put my toothbrush down, and when back to bed to sleep with my eyes wide open.

Tired

2007-06-03T01:52:00.001-07:00

Its been months since I've felt rejuvenated in the morning. Its been a very long time since I actually wanted to awake for the day to come. Not one day passes by where all I want to do is sleep. Just to lay lifeless as the sun rises and sets, at times that is my wish. I'm just so tired.

Days come and pass, days where I feel lifeless. Days where I feel used. There are days where I'm angry at the world and everyone in it, and then there are days where I don't care; I'm a walking drone doing simply what has to be done.

I'm tired of work where I'm merely a chump; supposedly someone whose a part of management and yet the last person to know anything (if I'm lucky to know at all). I'm tired of being used to "boost employee morale" simply because I treat everyone else with respect and help them do they're job if they need it. I'm tired of being bought over with free meals and a booze tab to keep up my own morale; free tabs I don't use because I close the restaurant and can't stand being there beforehand. I'm tired of nightshifts in the same week as my morning shifts. I'm tired of feeling that if I do quit that I'd make it harder for the hardworking individuals in the same boat as I. Most of all, I'm tired of walking through the doors at the beginning of my shift and feeling even moreso tired at that moment than when I had first awaken for the day.

I'm tired of living in an apartment where I feel like a pet or a child. I'm tired of staying with a "b/f" where I don't feel that he is in my heart. Beleive it or not, I'm tired of being taken care of and slowly having my independence (as little as it was gettin) stripped away. I'm tired of being pestered when all I want is to be left alone. Most of all, I'm tired of the fuggin question "are you okay?".

I'm tired of ........... I'm just tired.

2007-06-01T00:20:00.000-07:00

... there are really no words to describe what I consider the best picture I've seen ever ...

more works can be found HERE

Doggy Daddy

2007-05-31T03:04:00.000-07:00

Coherent Thoughts ... I think thats very rare to have. Even one mere coherent thought, I feel, is difficult to encounter ... mainly because I have this notion that one thought is brought about by another. It seems that we're travelling along this web of thought and emotions within ourselves brought about by our own experiences, which in itself is also a life of experiences only recognisable as a web. Or maybe its just me ....

Anyways, I find myself thinking about my ex. I find myself thinking about him alot. And everytime I think of him; I'm left wondering what happened, why did it happen, and even moreso significant is it even important now? (the reason behind it all). Whatever the case, is was all me. And I can't even remember why.

We're still good friends, great friends is what I like to think. And I always felt that the best relationships are those sprouted from friendship. To me, he's my best friend. He's the one person that knows ALL, the one person I told everything without the influence of alcohol. Not even my best friends back home have that privilege. He is the one person to tell it like is. He's the one to bluntly express everything, even my flaws. He's not the type to play it nice and say what I want to hear. He tells me what I need to hear. That means something to me.

By the way, he's gorgeous and the best kisser in the world. And I miss him dearly.

Tilty Head

2007-05-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

And the Drama never ceases ... quite literally, its to a point where all I can do is tilt my head back and laugh. Delirious, absolutely delirious.

One of the perks of my job is that I get weekends off. No way out of that one, thats how I hold management in my hand. I won't, absolutely will not EVER, work a weekend.

This morning, saturday morning, I went to work. *tilts head* Apparently yesterday, hours after I had left, our three main closers walked off the job. They just upped and left. Turns out a manager opened their big mouth and said "after renovations is done, no one is having their job." At least something to that effect. And I know for a fact that one of the three just bought a condo, and therefore NEEDS his job. So he and his two buds left. *shrugs sholders* He needs his job so bad he can just walk off any ol time he pleases. ... yeah, it makes no sense for me either.

Anyways, that one event caused a Sh*tload of circumstances for EVERYBODY. And therefore, I needed to awake bright and early on my weekend to go into work and make sure that the guys that are working or okay. THANK GOD they all showed up.

Here's to more drama that I'm SURE I will encounter in a few days. *tilts head*