Secret # 5

It was a thing of beauty.

thursday

Mystery Trailer Causing Buzz

Gotta love it when production companies start a buzz. lol .. I guess, I really don't know. Thats me trying to sound all movie-like, like I'm in the biz or something.

Anyways, what I'm gettin at is movie trailers. When done correctly they can give the tingling feeling inside your chest, the feeling of anticipation; the feelings I got when I seen the X-Men trailer for the first time.

On saturday, I went and watched the Transformers movie. And let me just say this ... AWESOME! I mean, wow. Absolutely WOW. I'm going to see it again, on the big screen, again. Thats how much I loved it.

But for big block busters, I love the previews chosen. (yes, I'm one of those who love watching previews ... shh, don't tell anyone) And let me tell you, the trailer .. the mystery trailer that was unnamed, the one with the flying head of the Statue of Liberty, the trailer that caused thousands to run to the internet to find out what it is ... that one, I found it.

For a blockbuster disaster pic, its been produced on a modest budget (so they say, but when the trailer is in the style of a handheld camera, whose to deny that chance ...) And the cast consists of relatively unknowns. (But here's a lil trivia .. there is a girl on The Class, who also stared in Mean Girls with Lindsey Lohan, who has a part in this movie. Thats all I'll say.) And so far, there is lil info available regarding the premise of this new disaster flick. But, this just may be one case where you can judge a book by its cover since the trailer is simply awesome.


Thus far, info that is available on the net is calling this flick Cloverfield .. and if you want to see the trailer .. just click here.

UPDATE: Even the trailer provided by Apple.com is nameless and provides no premise. Instead the title given for the trailer is in fact its release date, January 18, 2008 (1.18.08). But it does offer a HD trailer .. and can be found here.

Back 2 Me

It was cold. The entire room was cold, and it felt good. It felt like I was at home again. A childs peace surged within me as I stepped onto the ice and glided to the center. It felt like I was floating. And there I stood, dead center of the ice rink as I glared at the stands surrounding me.

And I remembered. I could see once again my parents sitting in the stands, together, cheering me on; surrounding by other parents all cheering. It echoed throughout arena and I was exhilerated.

I pushed with one leg to the boards towards the penalty box, and followed them as they surrounded the ice. My skates glided along the ice in perfect harmony of the beating of my heart, and there I kept it; in sync with every beat. But with every stroke I took another preceeded it even more quickly. Faster and faster I skated along the boards of the rink, and the faster I went the more excited I got. Suddenly, I was child again.

Quickly I turned around, still heading in the same direction, skating backwards. And even backwards I lodged around the corners of the rink. And I stopped.

Catching a breath, I remembered what it was like as a tyke, holding the hockey puck behind the goalies net. Staring down at the opponents nets, your ultimate goal; and realising how to get there. The five opposing players stay fixated on you as your teammates set themselves up for a play. And theres no choice but for you to press on.

You make your way forward, dodging this player and that player, zigging left and zagging right all the while picking up speed. You never know what the opponent will do; whether they'll poke your hockey stick with theirs at an attempt to loosen the puck, or if they'll body check you to the ice like you just hit a brick wall. But your always ready, to pass the puck or simply press forward, your ready.

And I as I skated up along the ice, pretending to dodge this person and that person and ultimately make the winning goal, I savoured it. I missed it with all my heart and for once I was in my glory.

... It was another heavy sleep. The mintue I awoke I swore I just came back to life as all my muscles ached at slightest movement. I was hot in this summers sweltering heat. But I remembered.

Even in the summer time, I was off at hockey summer camp.

Soundtrack of My Life

Apparently the game is to grab your ipod, or open up your music library at least, and push shuffle for ALL your songs (not just playlists). For ever question, you push next and copy what your player plays. And so here, is my own soundtrack of my life.

opening credits:
So I Need You (acoustic), 3 Doors Down

waking up:
Board Meeting (Timbaland)

first day at school:Rain Down On Me, DJ Tiesto

falling in love:Hello Lonely (Walk Away From This), Theory of a Deadman

breaking up:Resurrection, PPK

prom:Home, Three Days Grace

life’s okay:Oceans, Pearl Jam

mental breakdown:Straight 2, Big River Cree (actual Pow Wow music of my heritage, … this is very odd and rather disturbing)

flashback:One Night in Bangkok (club Mix), Global Deejays

driving:The Knight Rider Duo Remix, Busta Rhymes ft, Magoo and Timbaland

getting back together:By My Side, Stat Quo (of the Eminem Re-Up cd)

wedding:Break Stuff, Limp Bizkit (lol .. too funny)

birth of a child:Crazy Bitch, Buckcherry

final battle:Supermans Dead, Our Lady Peace

death scene:Porch, Pearl Jam

funeral song:Through The Glass, Stonesour (how suiting … would be perfect has a funeral song)

end credits:Diseased, Seether
(lyrics actual start like this “Leave your mark under my skin, oh my how strong you are. And feast your eyes on my disdain, and hope this one won’t scar. I will never belong to you, again. I will never belong to you.")

Ok, so I have many MANY genres on my Ipod, but each are there for their own purpose and I simply like them all

You know I Had To

Find out which Transformer you are at LiquidGeneration!

Choices

Years .... years. Its amazing how one word can describe .. a lifetime. Years.

I haven't really looked back to where I was just three years ago, or anytime longer than that. I can't really decide if thats a good thing or not. But it has happened, years have passed.

One thing I do remember is that when I was still in college, I was wondering when something good would happen in my life. I realise now, that the greatest thing to happen in my life is that it started; I actually started living. Within the past two years, I have made choice after choice in regards to me. Some have been good, some have been bad. But choices were made.

And here I sit again, pondering even more choices.

I really can't go into more detail seeing as its late for me (for one thing) and that this kind of entry entails more detail on my own thinking and even more detail to communicate. Its a process.

Secret #4

I have many insecurities about myself, and I mean many. And trust me, if it isn't one thing, its another. Whether its my cheeks, my nose, my gut ... its always something. Therefore, I prefer to be behind the camera, which also means there are few pics out there with me in them.

(PS: excuse the burning cross on the tv in the background, was watching Bad Boys 2 at the time. I ended up switching the channel because it was edited ... damn TBS)

Been Awhile, Pics

It was the rodeo weekend here in Calgary .. and Damn! What I night! And what a story to tell. But that, I will save for later. I'm still organising and modifying some pics, but for now .. here's some eye candy.

Huh?!

Apparently

"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo"

is an actual grammatically correct sentence.

Apparently the phrase stated does have nouns, proper pronouns, and verbs; and when restated can also sound as such,

"Bison from upstate New York who are intimidated by other bison in their community also happen to intimidate other bison in their community."


Buffalo .. huh. Should I mention that my family's maiden name is Buffalo?

Whats a native to do?

Secret #3

I LOVE MOVIES!!!! And I don't think I can stress that enough. I ... LOVE ... MOVIES.

Always have, ever since I was a wee kid laying at the top of the staircase watching the movie my parents were watching (not porn, you sicko) when I was supposed to be asleep. I grew up with HBO's movie central; which was very rare back home since HBO was an American Channel and I am obviously Canadian.

My parents, back in my childhood days, had the satellite that was so massive it took up the entire backyard. I was a country kid, so it was a big yard anyways; we had the space.

And my obsession grew and carried on well into my high school years when friends and I would plan trips to the city just to watch the latest blockbuster at multiplexes. Even in my last year of highschool, when all my friends were already in college (or moving on with life after highschool), I would travel to the nearest city where friends had moved too and we would have a movie night out, the bunch of us sitting in front of a small tv with munchies in hand, laying on the floor with blankets spread out and pillows as head and back rests. Those were the days.

Even to this day, when I travel back home, conversation always turns to, at some point or other, "Have you seen blah blah blah yet?"

I still love movies. I even took film history in college. Hell, I'm even planning on going to Vancouver Film School and checking out the school while I'm at Vancouver Pride this year.

My obsession for movies kind of sucks right now, cause right now I have no one to watch movies with.

Once before, Never since

And so, I put it back in my pocket, realising that since then I really hadn't seen the magnificent artwork I had seen on that island coast.

But the smell of salty water and the texture of warm breezes haunts me. Gettin smaller with time its punch to the gut has turned to a prick of a needle, but still there to remind me of the vast canvas of life painted by the distant artist.

Perhaps its a moment that I will never get back, like a speck of dust meeting the ocean. It is a moment, buried beneath the life that occured after its existence.

But its still a moment that is mine.

A Distant Artist

And there I stood, a warm salty breeze brushing against my face as I gazed off into the orange, red and grey painted clouds over the horizon. It was breezy, but still warm. As other tourists awed at the sight of turtles amidst the shore waters behind me, I stayed fixated on the ocean meeting the sky. How I so wanted to go there; to the end of the world to meet the one painting the canvas called life; to discover the inspirations behind it all. How I so wanted to be lifted from where I stood and feel the comfort of the pillowy clouds above me; to be consumed whole by them all.

And I waited, feeling as if I was seconds away from it happening.

I closed my eyes, and let myself go at the rythym of crashing waves against island rock. How I wanted to keep that moment; to take it and put it in my pocket so that on any other day when I needed reminding of how beautiful the world is, I can take it out and look at it; so that I can be there again at moments notice.

And waves crashed in harmonic intervals as the wind passed my ears. Nature was playing its finest symphony just for me.

I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes to see that the clouds had changed, still beautiful in all its wonders, but still different. A new painting had begun to emerge, and I was swept away yet again.

This memory is in the pocket of my mind, it takes time to find it amongst the clutter of every day little papers; but its there. And there to sweep me away yet again.

Secret #2

I'm not a phone person. Never have been, and probably never will. While I have many friends both here in Calgary and back home, I don't always call them. And yet, I always wonder why I'm the "last to know".

I get to the point where I think about calling someone, and then thats it. I never actually pick up the phone and dial.

It kind of sucks, cause I have so many friends, most of which are awesome people and people I would like to hang out with, but that never happens. I end up doing the same old shit with the same people (who are cool too). I just crave variety.

Yuck

Someone hit skunk ... I drove through the aftermath.

Skunks stink.


..... I still smell it. .... I better not dream of skunks ... or weed.

The buck is passed

Ouch .. what a day. Work was crazy nuts today, one of my printers completely conked on us, and for a kitchen, thats bad. On the one printer that was working, orders were doubling up and entire bills were slit in two ... it was crazy. Especially when dinner rolled around followed by the obliged team rush. Fun Fun Fun.

Work ... I tell ya, its gettin harder and harder to walk through those doors. I had "heard" that upper management was talking about me behind my back. The managers all complaining that "I don't care". Figures, the minute the previous KM (kitchen manager) quit, the buck gets passed on to me. They all seem to forget what I put myself through to make it easier on them. The seem to have forgotten the 'favors' I've been doing and have been doing for months now.

I think what has pissed them off is that I've declined the Assistant Kitchen Manager position.

All I can say is excuse me for taking care of myself. The fact that this is now my fourth kitchen manager in the span of a year says alot. Its something I don't want, not with this kitchen. I don't mind added responsibility, but keep the title. Don't expect me to work massive amounts of overtime, especially since I won't be gettin paid the overtime hours (something thats against the law might I add).

Its odd, how they're talking of me not caring is actually making that statement true.

Secret #1

And so ... to overcome my writers block (and mainly to write something simple), I've decided to write what I've seen commonly on flickr and have seen on other blogs. The "Secret's" montage. (cue orchestrated music and rapid pic intervals)

It's simple, I can do it (with what little energy I have), and it challenging for me (thusly allowing me to choose what will be posted).

And right now ....

SECRET #1

I stop breathing while I sleep. Past bf's have said so. Who am I to argue with them?

Folsom

Ok, so I do NEED to post something. So why not some pics I've stumbled upon. Now here is somewhere I would REALLY love to go ...






More pics can be found at Folsom Street East 2007

Still here

RAWR! .. lol. I'm back .. I'm here.

I would have posted sooner, but really there is nothing to post.

Work is still a bitch, now they're asking me to close the restaurant one night so that I can open it the next day. It sucks ... I soo need a job.

But once I'm in writing mood again, I'll let y'all know.

Erased a post

Ok, so out of a drunken stupor last night, I've posted perhaps the most revealing post I've ever done. But, I was uncomfortable with it. I did not want anyone to know such things, most of all .. I did not want anyone to discover the most intimate details of my life simply because I drank and typed. A drunken blog post, isn't always fun to read.

Nah, instead, should I happen to be vocal about my past, I want to type it out coherently; without the aid of alcohol. Therefore, I erased it.

For those who got to read it, congrats ... I suppose. I really don't mind you knowing. Really I don't. And if you have something to say about it ... then by all means, say it. Perhaps I may need it.

The box

I think I've found out why I find myself in a box these days.

I've often found out that while I may be signed on messenger, and have numerous email addresses, and have phone numbers written on numerous small bits of paper, I really don't talk to anyone or engage in any type of dialogue. While at work I can be sarcastically witty with days events, on the verge of insulting even, there really is no qualitative dialogue. After work, I punch out, go home and sleep (due to exhaustion).

When the phone rings, its not for me. When an email arrives, its merely a chain letter or a responsive automatic email sent from an online community. All that don't offer person to person contact.

And for those I do chat with ... it sends me to a slump. I usually end up talking to people who are moving to Montreal for art school (good luck Scotty), or chat with an ex whose meeting his new beau's family in Ottawa (good luck BJ), or chat with an ex whose just met his perfect master (something he's always wanted that I don't think I can offer him). They all have something to say, something positive, something that indicates they are moving forward. Their news always make me feel stagnated, at a stand still.

Its not their fault of course, I'm happy that they're getting what they want. And I wish nothing but good things for them. I just wish something good would happen for me. Its been a long year and I'm just tired of things not going right.

Oh well, I'll figure this out I'm sure. Besides, its Pride weekend here in Calgary. Parade on sunday, in which I was asked to drive a convertible for it, but can't cause my liscence expired (damn liscence), and I'm buying my new mountain bike tomorrow. So far, thats my news ... how newsworthy in comparison to everything else, lol. But, its mine.

Happy Pride ya'll.

Now here's something I haven't done in awhile ...

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Awesome pics, Awesome Blog, Hot Dude

And so ... through flickr.com I've discovered a blog. Now, had I simply opened my eyes to profiles instead of merely oogling hot pics, I would have noticed. But, this guy's pics are AMAZING. Plus, he's hot. His own self portraits are fantastic.

Trust me, you'll love it. You can find more HERE!!

OR go to his blog called BLOG BLOG BLOGGITY BLOG (come to think of it, I've seen that title somewhere before.)

"Hi," I said desperately, " ... do I know you?"

His empty yet hoping eyes stared back at me, saying nothing in return. No friendly gesture, no blink of an eye. Nothing.

He looked heavy with burden, tired for such a young fellow. I wanted to stretch out my arms and at least offer a hug, but I soon felt such a gesture would be met with disrespect. It felt more comfortable to do nothing, and just stare at him.

"Are you okay," I had wanted to ask. But his eyes told me not too. His sullen demeanor spoke thousands of words that I could not comprehend, yet could still feel. Somehow I knew I must do nothing.

He seemed angry, tired, hurt ... all at the same time. Somehow I knew he had become a drone, a walking expressionless shell. The bags under his eyes told me so.

And so I put my toothbrush down, and when back to bed to sleep with my eyes wide open.

Tired

Its been months since I've felt rejuvenated in the morning. Its been a very long time since I actually wanted to awake for the day to come. Not one day passes by where all I want to do is sleep. Just to lay lifeless as the sun rises and sets, at times that is my wish. I'm just so tired.

Days come and pass, days where I feel lifeless. Days where I feel used. There are days where I'm angry at the world and everyone in it, and then there are days where I don't care; I'm a walking drone doing simply what has to be done.

I'm tired of work where I'm merely a chump; supposedly someone whose a part of management and yet the last person to know anything (if I'm lucky to know at all). I'm tired of being used to "boost employee morale" simply because I treat everyone else with respect and help them do they're job if they need it. I'm tired of being bought over with free meals and a booze tab to keep up my own morale; free tabs I don't use because I close the restaurant and can't stand being there beforehand. I'm tired of nightshifts in the same week as my morning shifts. I'm tired of feeling that if I do quit that I'd make it harder for the hardworking individuals in the same boat as I. Most of all, I'm tired of walking through the doors at the beginning of my shift and feeling even moreso tired at that moment than when I had first awaken for the day.

I'm tired of living in an apartment where I feel like a pet or a child. I'm tired of staying with a "b/f" where I don't feel that he is in my heart. Beleive it or not, I'm tired of being taken care of and slowly having my independence (as little as it was gettin) stripped away. I'm tired of being pestered when all I want is to be left alone. Most of all, I'm tired of the fuggin question "are you okay?".

I'm tired of ........... I'm just tired.

... there are really no words to describe what I consider the best picture I've seen ever ...


more works can be found HERE

Doggy Daddy

Coherent Thoughts ... I think thats very rare to have. Even one mere coherent thought, I feel, is difficult to encounter ... mainly because I have this notion that one thought is brought about by another. It seems that we're travelling along this web of thought and emotions within ourselves brought about by our own experiences, which in itself is also a life of experiences only recognisable as a web. Or maybe its just me ....

Anyways, I find myself thinking about my ex. I find myself thinking about him alot. And everytime I think of him; I'm left wondering what happened, why did it happen, and even moreso significant is it even important now? (the reason behind it all). Whatever the case, is was all me. And I can't even remember why.

We're still good friends, great friends is what I like to think. And I always felt that the best relationships are those sprouted from friendship. To me, he's my best friend. He's the one person that knows ALL, the one person I told everything without the influence of alcohol. Not even my best friends back home have that privilege. He is the one person to tell it like is. He's the one to bluntly express everything, even my flaws. He's not the type to play it nice and say what I want to hear. He tells me what I need to hear. That means something to me.

By the way, he's gorgeous and the best kisser in the world. And I miss him dearly.

Tilty Head

And the Drama never ceases ... quite literally, its to a point where all I can do is tilt my head back and laugh. Delirious, absolutely delirious.

One of the perks of my job is that I get weekends off. No way out of that one, thats how I hold management in my hand. I won't, absolutely will not EVER, work a weekend.

This morning, saturday morning, I went to work. *tilts head* Apparently yesterday, hours after I had left, our three main closers walked off the job. They just upped and left. Turns out a manager opened their big mouth and said "after renovations is done, no one is having their job." At least something to that effect. And I know for a fact that one of the three just bought a condo, and therefore NEEDS his job. So he and his two buds left. *shrugs sholders* He needs his job so bad he can just walk off any ol time he pleases. ... yeah, it makes no sense for me either.

Anyways, that one event caused a Sh*tload of circumstances for EVERYBODY. And therefore, I needed to awake bright and early on my weekend to go into work and make sure that the guys that are working or okay. THANK GOD they all showed up.

Here's to more drama that I'm SURE I will encounter in a few days. *tilts head*

Hi ...

And so ... I did a little exercise today. I decided to write with my eyes closed so that I wouldn't be able to see the flow of my thought processes as I typed them out. I have a hunch that being able to see what we write actually influences what we write next. And I didn't want to be influenced. I wanted to discover.

And one thing did happened ... other than realising the sausage fingers that I do type with ... I wrote something that just hit me. After reading everything I wrote, and doing my best to consciously absorb all that was me, it was two sentences, one right after the other, that seemed the most real.

"I don't know how life got so hard .. it just did. And whenever I am alone, it feels like pain."

Now, maybe its cause I have a tendency to watch life like a fly on the wall (never really apart of the whole picture, but always there). Maybe its cause I never really thought of myself ... but it hit me. And you can't control what hits you, its always something you never expect. But there it was.

Me, staring back at me.

... now what?

Speck of Dust prt 2

"Put garbage there and go inside" the cop instructed.

And within that moment, as he and his partner stared at me through their sunglasses, I spotted seven other police squad cars surrounding 'a suspect' in our parking lot. Acting confused I put down the garbage and went back inside.

"Well," asked my kitchen manager, "whats going on?"

"I don't know," I replied, "a cop just asked me to put the garbage down and get back in here."

"What did you do?"

"Let me think," my sarcasm was starting to surface, "a built, solid white cop with a badge and a gun ... this native put the garbage down and came inside."

Moments had passed and by this time, we were outside watching what was going on. Two of our servors were sitting nearby and googling with lusty eyes towards the boys in blue as they searched a vehicle inside and out, and later on searched 'the suspects' shoes and pockets. Co-workers and I cracked jokes with each other while the local media took pictures and conversed on their cell phones. We never really figured out what was going on.

An hour later, the lot was empty and the car being searched was gone. We still had a kitchen to run and were soon making pizzas as per usual.

4:30 rolled on in and I was preparing to leave for the day. The night shift crew made their way in one by one, and with each co-worker strolling in we heard of a big accident at the intersection we're located on. "Must be the same cops that were just here," I joked.

Speck of Dust

Friday .. should be the most busiest day ever for a restaurant kitchen. I had expected wholeheartedly a vast demand of pre-orders as I opened the kitchen this morning. As usual, I would get about 7 bills of perhaps 7-16 pizzas to be ready between the hours of 11:30 and 11:45 (usually its 11:45am). And get this, we have one oven to cook it all in. And as the manager would give me all the bills, and as my eyes of disgust attempt to persuay guilt upon him, he would shrug his shoulders and a small smirk would peek through the left side of his mouth; all the more showing me where I really stand in this restaurant.

I finished 'kitchen set-up' in my street clothes and even had time for a coffee and a smoke outside. All sauces were ready, all utencils in place. All lines completely stocked. And all employees doing what they should be doing. As I slowly walked up the stairs to change into my uniform I see that the owner is back in town, and as per usual on the phone. Frankly, I don't care. And trust me, with the turnover rate that this restaurant experiences .. neither does he. Even he's seen his best come and go.

N E Ways ... I go back downstairs to check on everything again, only this time really waiting for the dreaded pre-orders. But nothing came. I wait and wait and wait .. hell I even go back outside for one more smoke, and nothing. Thats really odd for a Friday.

... the clock ticked and ticked. I have my days pinned to the minute. And thusfully I should, I've been doing it everyday for a year now. The announcement posted on the all boards in the place remind me consistently since this month started. (someone kill me now) Nevertheless, noon is about to strike. Its friday, so we're about to be raped. Its going to be bill after bill after bill all punched in at the same time and all expected to be made at the same time. I'm going to need all my kitched crew at the lines and for the next hour and half to be running like crazy to make sure all food goes out with perfection. tic ... tic ... tic ...

And nothing. I didn't even need all my guys.

Hours have passed, and as I'm spacing into the air in front of me. The servers, and I mean ALL the servers storm passed me through the lounge door and out the back door. As I stand wondering whats going on, they storm back in all in giddly amusement (must be a girl thing). But luckily, I need to take out the garbage anyways. I grab one bag, tie it up and make my way to the back door. I open it, go outside .. and am met by two police officers. WTF?!

"Keep that there," one says, "and go back inside."


--- to be continued

Dreamscapes

I sat on one side of a long table, eating dinner with the rest of that family. On the far end sat my mother, my younger sister next to her and my brother next to her. I looked up at them and saw the smiles and laughter on their faces as they exchanged jokes and harmless, yet witty, insults. We were a family again, under one roof; there for each other, loving and caring. And it felt good.

As I turn towards my plate to eat another forkful, I could feel someone else next to my side; a warm touch of his arm next to mine as we both eat from our plates. I remember feeling comfort. I look up to see Scott smiling back at me, my ex.

Laughter consumed the room as we all continued dinner, simply going through the motions. And then its time ... the day is done and its time for Scott to leave. He has a long drive ahead of him. And I stay behind.

Moments later, after his departure and as I am now heading on my way back to my home, I get into a car accident.

I wake in a hospital, alone ....

Such odds dreams lately.

Weekend Update with LoneWolf

This past weekend, was all in all a weekend, lol. I really don't know how to explain my events these days. But when one works a week, mixed hours ranging from opens to closes for a restaurant, and actually has weekends off (imagine that for the restaurant industry) .. the weekends are definately worth waiting for. And a time you really want to relax if not busting lose. Anyways, mine was a lil bit o both.

Friday, FINALLY Watched Children of Men ... wow. And Smokin Aces, unnecessary violence makes it VERY necessary for me to watch. If you love action that hints towards gore, then Smokin Aces is for you. If complex storylines and complex twists just aren't for you, then skip it.

Saturday; karaoke and meeting with a friend. God she is an amazing singer, self trained too .. lucky bitch, lol.

Sunday: SPIDERMAN 3 ... YOO HOO. Very dark in the Spiderman franchise, but when you consider the origin of his black suit, it kind of has to be. I loved that it was heavy in the CG effects.

And now .. here I am. Weekend done, still awake at 1:30 in the morning when I have to work at 9am ... And I've decided that I am now going to look for a job. I mean, my restaurant is having renovations done so I would have to look for another job anyways, and I can't STAND my manager and assistant kitchen manager since they like to leave early and have excuses for everything and anything imaginable (plus, I'm a hands on type of management kind of guy whereas they dictate and delegate). So, I will be leaving soon. But at least I get to leave with a title on my resume, lol. Here's to job hunting ... CHEERS.

PS: I bought a basketball ... one sport I was never really good at but still loved to play. AND (I feel like a goof for this), apparently there is a basketball hoop just around my apartment building, lol. Here's some pics .. hope your weekend was great. Have a good monday.

PSS: These are not my pics, just a few more my favs from Flickr.com

On no path

ok, so its been awhile since I posted .. and the last two posts ... well, lets just say I have a thing for the dramatic when I'm feeling down.

LAST POST ... yes I miss home, and yes it has been proven dangerous to live there. But its still home. Loved ones still live there, and forever will (its a reservation thing *shrugs shoulders* .. really don't know how to explain it). So, I deal.

Anyways, moving on ...

I've been wanting to go to school for quite some time. And everytime I apply, something happens that makes sure I don't get in or even finish the application proccess. This time, its ALL MY OWN FAULT. That sucks .. why, cause there's no one to blame, lol. Anyways, I've been giving my time to work and friends and giving and giving and giving that I hadn't taken the time needed to work towards my own goal. Helping everyone out so much that I wasn't helping myself. And now, the application deadline for my program has passed and my portfolio for it is nowhere near finished. Maybe thats the way to be .. it still sucks though, cause I really hate my job and REALLY want to get back into school.

But even so, I did get some things done. For the porfolio I was to do some Digital Photography to demonstrate my skills. I really don't know if I'm good or anything, I don't really have a camera that I want ... but its still something. The following were what I was going to use .. now, they have been copyrighted .. or copywritten, whatever the proper way is .. here they are.






And yes .. they are actually pictures.

I miss you ... I need you

Its odd. The one place that I could never truly be myself, is the one place I crave to be. The one place that has inhibited me for so many years, the one place that has proven dangerous for me to live in, is the one place I want to go back to. The one place I felt trapt; and the one place I felt so much rejoice upon finally leaving, is the only place I want to go back to.

I miss home. I miss my family. I miss my brothers, my sisters, my mom and dad, and all my cousins. I miss them all so much, it hurts.

A Confession #1

A Confession ...

I used to like Dawson's Creek. There, I said it ... I was a WB kid who used to love watching the escapades of Dawson, and Joey, and Jack, and Pacey, and Jen. I even kept track of their movie careers; meaning I also watched Varsity Blues, The Gift, Mighty Ducks, Final Destination and Halloween H20 simply because they were in them. I loved Dawson's Creek (could be because the creator also wrote Scream 1 & 2, which inspired me to be a writer).

Funny thing is now ... I watch it the reruns on tv ... and I'm sickened by it.

How can one love something only to one day hate it?

The only conclusion I can come up with is that when I used to watch it, I was young. Young and naive and so full of hope of what life could be. I watched that program and felt moved about what life could be for this small town boy; a life that I wasn't living at the time. Although, I'm pretty sure that what I hate the most is that my high school life and my college life where NOTHING like I thought it would be. Instead of feeling free and full of hope, I felt trapt and depressed. At a time when I was trying to make things better for myself, I ended up making things worse; I ended up doing what was expected instead of what I really wanted to.

Time when on, and four years of college went by. All the while spent in misery and all the time waiting for a time when all would be better. And now, here I am .... in a life that I never expected simply because its a life I never wanted. No degree, in a dead end restaurant, in an apartment I never wanted to be in. With barely a cent to my name (thanks to the fuggin city ... fellow calgarians would know what I'm talking about), I'm living day by day in a job that drains the life out of me.

I don't even know what I want to do anymore, I feel so jaded.

Here's to hoping I snap out of this soon.

Happy Easter

For those who were able to make it home this past weekend and spend time with your families for the Easter holiday, I hope ya had a great time. I unfortunately spent my very first Easter alone.

You know, it wasn't all that bad. The weather was finally nice, and I merely just drove around the city.

Year after year, my mom has a family dinner at her home and does her best to have games ready for the kids and treats and everything. She's always looking out for family, to the point that its expected now. She knows very well that she doesn't have to do it every year, but she likes it.

As I sat reminicsing about Easter year after year, I was over come with a hunger for ham and turkey and mashed potatoes. Yet my hunger didn't stop there. I also starved the chaos of numerous younglings running and screaming and crying and begging and just merely being kids. I longed for the incessant noise that I usually escaped by sleeping in my moms room, only for the kids to barge the door open screaming along the way, and upon seeing me lay on the bed, they would turn to each other pressing a finger against their lips telling each other to be quiet .. and STILL play in the room. They are the cutest kids I know, all my neices and nephews and god sons and cousins.

I yearned for familiar faces passing along the same jokes they've told for years. The same camaderie between me and my male cousins and uncles expressed with gawdy jokes and homophobic comments. I miss from the bottom of my heart how a child will look familiar year after year and get taller and taller at the same time.

And one final thing I miss ... grabbing the last stale Pepsi that is hidden in the pantry; hidden in the same spot year after year, next to the spare christmas wrapping paper that will be used next year. But not only grabbing the last warm pepsi, but the wrath that ensues afterward upon being caught by my younger sister.

The tought of holiday meals supplied my hunger, and so I pulled into the nearest drive thru.

I miss home.

TGIF? ... no, not really

And so .. friday is here. The singing competition is today, and I'm sick. I for the life of me can't yell at all .. and when I can, no one can understand me. This totally sucks.

Rexmen

Honestly .. there's just something about the way the bods are portrayed ...

kind of hypnotic ... I love it.

Thank you Rexmen

(ps, click on "it")

Tis monday .. and it snowed last night ... AGAIN

And so here, I am ... at the computer yet again. But thats okay, I cause thats where I like being. Should something inspired me to write or create or simply to find certain types of pictures, the net is at hand to let me do so. Makes me wish I had a laptop.

Anyways, I had gone to SAIT today, to drop off some transcripts and whatnot that they will need. Turns out, they already had them. Feeling like a bonehead, I had completely forgotten that I applied there once before (but didn't get into the program I had wanted due to not gettin my mail [thanks to my big brother, thanks bro, no really .. thanks]) and therefore I was still on file. This time, all I had to do was apply again .. and thats was it. Badda boom badda bing, I've made the selection list for possible accepted applicants. That made my day. Here's to hoping that something I want I will finally get.

On to other things ... I like singing. I don't know genres or singers or bands, I know music. Chances are that I like whatever music someone is talking about .. but we'll never know because I have no idea who they're referencing too.

I like singing so much, I've actually turned into a karaoke fanatic. And thanks to it, I've made some pretty good friends.

ANYWAYS, with the 1st North American Outgames coming to Calgary, Alberta ... the local gay sports organisation, Apollo, has hosted their own Idol (or a karaoke version of it all). And I made it. This friday, I will be singing "Kryptonite" from Three Doors Down in front of hundreds of people. And to think, this is coming from someone who two years ago would NEVER pick up a mic let alone actually sing in front of anyone. Wish me luck.

Oompa Loompas

And so I went to a drag show today (in fact, just got back from it), and during their second set, they decided to have a drinking contest. And so, in order to find out who would compete, they looked through the prizes and divided the contestants into sizes; 'Small', 'Medium', and 'Large' would compete.

The contestants walked up, and all I could do is scream "OH PLEASE, fuggin Oompa Loompas are bigger than that. WILLOW, have a seat so a real man can have a chance."

Bear Cub

Perhaps one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. Plus, I watched with my ex bf ... who also happen to be my first bf ever. I miss him, alot. I hope to wake up next him one day.

X-Box

So yesterday, after yet another long day at work; I come home, crack open a beer and chill at the computer. I've come to the realisation that I hadn't posted much as of late, and started pondering as to what I could post. And since this blog is a tool to post whatever interests me, it could pretty much be anything.

And so I chatted. And while chattin with this cute guy from Edmonton on Bear411.com ... I asked him, in hopes of being inspired what to post, "Whats your favorite sport?"

His response, "I'm really diggin NHL on X-Box."

Not what I was expecting, but it was cute .... and something I never would have thought of.

Balance

Thats the thing about pictures; sometimes they're beautiful on the outside. And when your in them, sometimes what's beautiful is on the outside.

Mar 27, 2007

"Psychos? No, they were not psychos. They were vampires. Psychoes do not explode when sunlight hits them, and I don't care how crazy they are."

Just watched "From Dusk til Dawn".

I still love Quentin Tarantino.

OK, I'm a HUGE Heroes fan, and when I saw this on youtube ... I just had to share.

NOTE! There is some 'images' that may disturb some viewers.

NOTE #2! System of a Down is an acquired taste, definately an acquired taste. But its a great rock band with a completely different sound in comparison to radio rock, and how the video was edited to fit the scheme of the song, it all fits quite well.

PS, with the amount of video's posted today ... the answer is yes. I did have alot of time on my hand.

Nostalgia

A couple of days ago, I happen to be surfing the net while the new Gap commercial came on the tv, you know the one I'm talking about .. the one where Claire Danes is dancing to the musical song "Anything you can do, I can do Better." (at least I think thats the title) And that got me thinking ...

The GAP ads as of late, really stick with me. And thats something that has always happened with The GAP. No matter how many commercials come and go, The GAP ads have always exuded style, originality and class by far in comparison to their counterparts.

And so, I've decided to share a few of my favorites.

"Aren't you ..."

As time approached hour 11 of my '8 hour' work day, a server asked through the pass through window of my restaurant, "aren't you kitchen supervisor anyways?"

I looked up to her as I finished her table's meal, and reassured her. "Kitchen supervisor? Yes. Kitchen bitch? NO."


... 12 hours was enough.

I don't know

Life. Its a ... thing. Really, there is no one word to describe it. For such a universal topic to discuss, it can only be described by experience; and life's experiences vary greatly from one person to the next, making life subjective. Therefore, I guess, universally speaking life is subjective.

I don't know.

And I suppose that's my main point. The one thing that I have come to learn about life in general is "I don't know". In the past two years, I've simply lived day by day. At times trying to find happiness. At others, trying to create it. And at the end of day, feeling like I hadn't found it nor created it.

(sadly, a roommate walked in while 'high', totally disrupting my entire train of thought simply because he could not shut up, and at the same time kept apologising for it. For me, that sucks, cause perhaps I was on the verge of writing something that could have been important for me; and now its gone. Here's to hoping it comes back ... but for now, I will publish what I got.)

Calvin and Hobbes

my now former boss turned me onto this show. Most hilarious s**t I've ever seen. Reruns still crack me up. Here is one skit they did on Calvin and Hobbes.



A HUGE SHOUT OUT TO SETH GREEN FOR ROBOT CHICKEN!!!!


... CAPTAIN PLANET! ...

Pretty much sums it up ...

Hellsday

Today was hell. For some odd reason I couldn't muster a single ounce of energy at work. My body ached, I was tired; I was literally a walking shell. For two hours (thank god they were just dead hours) I had been training a new guy at work. Well, really, this is how it went:

1) the bill would print up, he'd read it. Try to imagine what to do.
2) walk over to me while I sat on a milk crate. I'd tell him what to do, and he'd do it.

Easiest training session if you ask me. He should be good once he does it over and over and over and over and over again (and trust me, he will).

And so I'm back at the gym, thank god (not for the first day back of course). And while there, I just HAD to see what I weighed. 246lbs!!!! WHAT THE HELL? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

Oh well, at least I can actually do cardio for long periods of time (unlike the first time I went to the gym ever, now theres a story). I haven't made a workout plan yet, as I'm still working my body into the process, but I shall one soon.

UPDATE!
The roommate that ditched me with a LOAD of bills to work on his "business", has lost everything. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, I'm just sorry that a few people lost loads and loads of money. I may have lost money from the venure, just not as much as others. I'm still going to persue the matter legally, so here's to hoping that works out. But I must say, having people approach me and say such things as ...

"its a good thing you got out when you did," and "huh, I guess you were right," still feels good. Its bittersweet.

Here's to hoping that everything gets better in the new year.

... figures ...

And so yesterday, I FINALLY got my gym membership back. After months and months of wanting it (but being able to afford it), I finally got it back. For my shiny gym, got my back all ready to go with gym essentials; and today at work I didn't even mind working an hour longer as a favour simply because right afterward, I was off to the gym. Ya see, I hadn't realised how much I missed until I got the new card. I'm telling you, I was pumped. I was jammin to my new Ipod that I got for christmas (that work, my mom and myself paid for) as I took the train to the YMCA and even downloaded new dance beats for the half hour on the cross trainer. All was well until after the shower.

I walked back to my locker, still somewhat dripping, wrapped in a towel .. and opened it up. I reached down to grab my pants, not realising that my undershirt was already on the floor. It wasn't until I noticed my pants was missing that I noticed everything in the locker was out of place. My pants was gone, with the money in it, and my wallet in it. My favorite belt was gone (since it was on the pants). Realising what had happened, and deeply pissed off, I moved my red ball cap to discover the inevitable. My Ipod was gone. My 30gig Ipod Video ... gone. All my favorite tunes and video podcasts, gone.

I had gone down to report what had happened. Turns out that I wasn't the only one. And their excuse for it all, Aboriginal Youth night for basketball took place that day. What does one say to that? Especially when one is Aboriginal in the first place.

A friend I had waited for sure made the poor girl feel bad, since he pointed out that I am Aboriginal. And made her feel worse when he told her it was my first time back since I bought my membership yesterday. I wonder what she would have felt like when I also mentioned I lost my home just one week ago?


PS: as for the pic, perhaps my Ipod just wasn't that into me?

Sunday, March 4, 2007