Freak On A Leash

"Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Something's raped and taken from me... from me.

Life's got to always be messing with me. (You wanna see the light)
Can't they chill and let me be free? (So do I)
Can't I take away all this pain. (You wanna see the light)
I try to every night, all in vain... in vain.

Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You'll never see me fall from grace

Something takes a part of me ......


Something takes a part of me.
Feeling like a freak on a leash. (You wanna see the light)
Feeling like I have no release. (So do I)
How many times have I felt diseased? (You wanna see the light)
Nothing in my life is free... is free."


... lyrics that really represent how I'm feelin lately.

"Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Something's raped and taken from me... from me.

Life's got to always be messing with me. (You wanna see the light)
Can't they chill and let me be free? (So do I)
Can't I take away all this pain. (You wanna see the light)
I try to every night, all in vain... in vain.

Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You'll never see me fall from grace

Something takes a part of me."

Sheeps Clothing

I remember, somethime ago, I had conquered something. It took alot of hard work, and alot of patience and faith. But I did it. I remember the feeling it gave me, and how happy I was that I conquered it. I just never thought it would be back.

The most unbareable feeling of all, loneliness, is back. I sit here, just back from work where I closed the restaurant by myself, and I realise that everything I do seems to be in that manner; by myself. Everyday, while I talk amongst those I work with .... I've come to realise, people who don't really know me. People I don't really know myself.

But for the most part, I walk as an empty shell.

Its not that some'thing' is missing ... in fact, alot is missing.

I miss my family whom I'm missing out on so much on. I miss my friends back home, my mom and my dad, and all my neices and nephews that I never see. I miss being recognised. I hate being nothing but a speck of dust. I hate it that I don't matter. I hate being used.

I'm back ...

And there he stands, with his usual ball cap and leather vest; looking even more sexier than I remember.

He doesn't see me as he stands at the bar making conversation. And so I walk towards him. I walk knowing this time what it is I want. I walk, with no words to say, just action to do. I approach him, and hug him from behind.

My heart is speeding as I sigh onto the back of his neck, and I whisper "I'm back."

I imagine his reaction is stillness, he just stands there as I hold him again. Breathing heavily, I repeat, "I'm back, if thats ok with you."

I can feel his hair against my forehead, and the warmth of his husky body as its pushed up against mine. I'm holding on as tight as I can. I'm holding on, and I don't want to let go.



I don't get a response as I awake too soon.

Silence & Stillness

Lately I've been asked to close the restaurant. Normally I wouldn't do it because I don't believe in working overtime when you don't get paid for it. But this new kitchen manager seems to want to make things work and I've seen the hard work he's been putting in and the hard work of others. I just figure, I can help lessen their headaches, even if for just one night. Well, the one night is now three nights, and my social life has now gone to shit, lol. Not really .. but the weeks do go by alot faster and I do get my alone time that I desperately need.

Anywho, back to the point .... tonight, I closed. But tonight, was slow. So I managed to get out of the restaurant pretty early, still the last one out mind you, but it was early.

To pay homage to it, I ventured to a bar I used to frequent quite often; just to see who worked there and to have some time to myself before I went home. And as I sat there, reading the newest edition of the local gay paper "Gay Calgary", a patron walked up to me and asked if I would, for him, draw what it was I was thinking. I obliged after immediately realising that he didn't fully realise he was disturbing me. And so I drew. I drew pretty quickly, and for the most part absent-mindedly. I just wanted him to go away.

But as I withdrew from the drawing, I noticed I drew a landscape. Over the plains you can seen a mountain range with a clear sky up above; pretty simple drawing obviously with the mere moments it took to conjure it up, but my drawing nevertheless.

And as for what I was thinking ... the man who wanted it simply took it as I'm "a man who loves the outdoors". How much more simplistic can one get in regards to an analysis? Succeedingly I detered him away with a simple nod. Happy that I obliged with his "project", he teetered back to his bar stool and continued with his night. I stared up at the bartender as he read my facial expression and empathized with a shooting to his head with his fingers.

But it did get me thinking .. my drawing. It wasn't until moments ago that I finally realised what I drew. It wasn't my "love of the outdoors" that I was trying to express. No. Instead it was my longing for silence. For there was nothing indicating noise or chaos in my pic. Instead, it was a mere landscape; a pretty peaceful one if you ask me. It was the whole aesthetic nature of the thing that, I felt, was supposed to symbolize peace, my craving for stillness.

Not everyone gets it I'm sure. But it is a longing. A longing for everything to come to a standstill and just stop.

Halloween was halloween. After the funeral, I spent time with family before I had to be on the road again; mainly spent time with my mom. We cooked dinner quickly before the constant disruption of knocks at the door followed by "Trick Or Treat!". My older sis stopped by with my niece and her newest edition, a pup named Missy, and had dinner with us. In a family of 6 (more if you include their kids), it was still nice with just the three of us. We chatted about ourselves and about what was new over a roast chicken dinner, all the while handing out candies and treats to plenty of ghouls and goblins and princesses and animals alike, who arrived to our doorstep.

It seems to be custom to be constantly busy whenever I can make it home; little time to ever sit still.

Soon after dinner, my mom had her bingo itch and went off for the evening, leaving me to hand out whatever candies were left. I didn't mind, I was home; and by the this time my lil neice was already becoming quite a help (which quickly ended, evident by her constant hissing (literally) at trick-or-treaters, I thought she was in character at the time as she was dressed as a vampire with fake blood tearing from her eyes [which actually looked like a bad war paint job, lol]. But what else to expect from children.)

The candies were running low as my best friend showed up at the door in all smiles as his middle child, dressed as a pumpkin, softly called "Trick or Treat". They visited for awhile; followed by my aunt with her tribe of 3 boys (her own) and 3 grandkids (same age as her boys who are the children from her neice [my cousin, native families get complicated]). Nevertheless, the house got noisy as they screamed and "talked loudly" as one child professed when asked to stop shouting.

In a flash though, they all left to continue their evening and soon go home. Well, most anyways, as my aunts grandkids (my niece and nephews) were the only ones watching tv; apparently I was left to babysit. So much for my plans of leaving to visit more people that evening. Hours later their 'ride' would show up, and they were off.

It was nice though, the last time I seen them, they were just kids, barely able to speak a word. And now, there they stood speaking with appropriate grammar; as much as pre-teens could speak that is. Not a single diaper in sight. My how I've missed so much.

That evening I pretty much slept, thusly in doing so missing my bus back to calgary and rushing around the next day to catch another.

It was an odd Halloween this year. Definately one I didn't plan.

And so I rolled back home at 5:30 in the morning after leaving immediately after work the night before. Hours later I was awake again.

I hadn't really been home for awhile, and I felt somewhat guilty that the reason I was home was for a funeral. But nevertheless, I was home. My mom was asleep in her voice, my sis in hers, and two of my aunts asleep in the livingroom. I was home.

I had made it to the wake at my best friends house. I pulled up on the country road and parked on side as there was no parking anywhere near the house. Hundreds of people showed up to pay their respect for the passing of a great man. Old co-workers of mine were there; as well as long time friends I haven't seen for years. Many hadn't looked the same as when I had first left for college, but after a brief catch-up session, I had seen that many hadn't changed at all.

The relationships of long past were still evident for me. I had found old high school friends and hung with them for the majority of the wake, up until the procession at the burial site. And I hung around with one of my best friends to show her I still cared for her and loved her as I did in high school; for she was the one who had lost a father.

Throughout my entire visit, I remembered their family. How they interacted with each other, how they spoke, and their own distinct smile that only a family member could bring out. I was always envious of them. They always looked so happy.

My guess is that they knew that this may happen. For even now, they all seemed happy. Sure they were greiving for their lost loved one, and it showed; but a smile would still break out.

I miss home.

I'm going home

Why does no one get it? I mean really, when I say leave me alone, then leave me alone.

I just found out that their's a death in the family back home. My best friend from high school who also happens to be my neice (its complicated), her dad passed away.

Funeral news always puts me in a state of mind. And no one really gets it. They always seem to think that gettin me to think of something else, or trying to cheer me is something they HAVE to do. When all I really want is to be left alone. And the more they try, that more it angers me.

So now, immediately after work today (at 2:30 in the morn), I'll be venturing home, and prolly leaving as soon as its done to come back here to Calgary; cause I "have to work". All I really want to do is stay home and visit family and friends, alot of whom I haven't seen in a long time and really miss alot. For most, I can't remember the last time I seen them, for some it has been years.

My head is gone right now. Just so much thinking.

PS: Oddly enough, and I feel kind of bad for thinking it, it is kind of releiving that I'm not going home becuase of a suicide or drinking and driving accident. My cousin died of natural causes.

Native Americans

I Didn't Know I Couldn't Do That ...

A Slap to the Face.

I know, I haven't written or posted anything for awhile. Truth be told, I've just been going through the motions, living day by day, contemplating what do next. And really, nothing has been happening, nothing astounding that will cause me to think. Nothing in everday life has been capturing my eye to take notice. Lately its just been me with every passing moment. But now, change is coming. Just as I knew it would.

And so I heard today, from the AGM (Assistant General Manager), about an incident that happened on sunday. (actually, a fellow co-worker told me about it, and I asked the AGM, who at first tried to ignore the subject by telling me it was a long story, but hours later told me). It turns out that three cooks at my restaurant were, very visibly and audiably, poking fun and cracking insults towards a native man, who wore an eye patch, in the restaurant. He sat there, tried to pretend he didn't hear what was going on, but out of frustrations flipped the cooks the bird. Apparently in an attempt to not be outdone, the three cooks banded together, stood at a very visible position and struck a pose as if too "call on" the native man. A few more words were exchanged on their part, and the native man continued to sit and eat his meal, with his family that were there also.

After the native family finished their meal, they paid and left. But moments later, he returned and spoke his mind about his disgusting encounter with the manager on duty. Turns out the manager on duty was the AGM. In an attempt to salvage the situation, the AGM paid for the meal, and with a family of 9 it was huge bill.

The native man left. And would never return again to the establishment I work in.

My situation: I'm native. The three other cooks still work there, and after I spoke with the AGM, no disciplinary action had taken place.

He had mentioned that it wasn't racially intended, that the three cooks were just being "assholes". All I can think is "does the native man" know that? The idea that the cooks were just "fooling around", does that justify the fact that no action had taken place? Does the idea of it just being a joke, justify the humiliation and embarassment this native man had to encounter with his family by his side?

I'm putting in my notice tomorrow and speaking directly with the owner. I might even write a letter to the franchise in which this restaurant operates under.

I know, its been a long while since I typed anything. The fact that this has become a even more common occurence is a fact I cannot ignore.

Honestly, I just have many thoughts I need to sort through and little time to do it.

But, in the interesting of continuing to post that which interests me (and not simply focusing on venting that which plagues my mind), here is a clip of one of most favorite songs of all time, Lonely Day. It is a piano cover of said song.



This here is the actual music video of System of A Down, the band whom the song belongs too.

Father

And so, here is a dream I had attempted in telling someone, someone I thought I might be able to talk too ... instead, halfway through it I got the brushoff.

But anyways, just so that I can share it .. and perhaps get some insight ...

in my dream, I'm standing by myself and just "being" so to speak. Nothing significant was happening nor could I see anything beyond me anyways. It was just me, standing there. And suddenly I'm approach by a young boy. He stood up to my waist and therefor could have only been 5-8 years old (I'm really bad at guessing age, but he was only a child). And he started asking questions about his father. Now, I cannot recall any direct question or phrasing he used .. but it steered along the lines of "why doesn't my father spend time with me", or "why does he spend more time with his other family" and other kinds of questions like that. But one question he never asked, but I knew he felt, was "why doesn't my father love/like me (why aren't I as important as them, to paraphrase)?".

And I stood there, staring down at him. I had wanted to answer all of his questions, to make him feel loved and all in all just feel better about himself. But he was asking about someone that I really didn't know or understand, and therefore all I could do was remain silent. With my arm, I nudged him closer and hugged him.

Suddenly it dawned on me, I recognised his brown hair and broad sholders. And as he stared up at me with lost eyes, I stared down on my nephew. It was my brother he was talking about? My brother was his father.

"I don't know," was all I could reply. And so we sat on sofa, and I hugged him as much as I could as he curled up and leaned in towards me. "But I love you," I whispered.

And as I said it, I could still feel his pain and still empathise with him that he deserved more; even though I knew it was all I could give.

And as the dream gave way and I slowly started to wake up, I remember thinking that if the dream stayed longer, then I would have been his father. He would become my son and I would care for him so that he may never feel lost again.

**** ***** **** *****

As I worked throughout the day, the dream lingered in the back of my mind. Was it a message? Had my nephew reached out to me asking for answers that I didn't have? I missed him when he visited my mom, his grandmother, for the summer. Was he reaching out?

Or was it my head telling me something about myself? My brother and I look alike, almost like identical twins (or so friends back home tell us) and therefore it isn't out of the question that my nephew also looks like me when I was younger. Did I speak with myself, asking questions that lingered for so many years that I still have no answer for? Did I just tell my inner child that I love myself?

Or was it just a dream? And I'm putting on it so much value and worth than needs to be?

Whatever the case, it was my dream ... and it hit me deeply. I felt it wholeheartedly that even when I awoke I felt a great amount of disgust towards my brother for making my nephew feel this way.

This is a dream I need to figure out.

(PS: just to mention, my brother has 5 kids, two from a previous girlfriend and who now live miles and miles away, and three with a current girlfriend (engaged)whom he is still with. My nephew I dreamed about is actually 7 years old. And also to mention: my parents have split up when I was 12 yrs old, and even though my father lived 5 minutes away, I've only ever seen him or talked to him 5 times a year.)

Angels - Robbie Williams

I song I would love to try for karaoke. (yes, I like "scary'oke")

Something Different

Its been a LONG day at work. And I mean a LOOOONG day at work. I was the last one to leave; the new order came in .. and left. The cleaners came in .. and left. And there I was, still doing my duties amidst it all. It was like a ten pound metal ball chained to my ankle; it all took forever ... plus a day.

N E WAYS ... here I sit, a drink in hand with a movie playin on the tube (Take The Lead ... shhh, don't tell anyone), and now reminiscing about dance class in junior high. It was mandatory, the class .. only cause it was also apart of my gym class. Imagine how us boys felt when suddely we were playing basketball one day then suddenlty learning the fox trot.

But it was cool. We learned it .. cause we had too. But for me, it was fun. Learning new steps and new sequences, listening to other kinds of music other than what I heard in the halls all day long. It was different, it was nice.

Suddenly I remembered; when I was learning the Jive, for some odd reason I was pulling off all the pulls and turns and twists; up until the teachers (plural since there was a guy teach for the boys and vice versa) noticed me and started talking amongst themselves. All I could recollect was " ... just check out how he turns .. "(and blah blah blah). Needless to say, I danced stiffer than a cock at your local Eagle.

I hate attention ... just let me be and don't judge me, lol.

I LOVE Family guy

The Best of Gay Stewie


You've Got A Gay

Crazy lil Thing Called Love

I've been going on a Buble state of mind lately ... not only is he talented, he's cute too (in a babyface kinda way.

Have A Little Faith

From Van

WOW has it been awhile since I posted anything .. my apologies peoples. I've just been so caught up with work and catchin up on sleep and vacationing in Vancouver, that really .. I had little time to think of anything to post let alone the time to post it.

But for now .. here are some random hotties in Vancouver who were out an about for Pride.