Why does no one get it? I mean really, when I say leave me alone, then leave me alone.
I just found out that their's a death in the family back home. My best friend from high school who also happens to be my neice (its complicated), her dad passed away.
Funeral news always puts me in a state of mind. And no one really gets it. They always seem to think that gettin me to think of something else, or trying to cheer me is something they HAVE to do. When all I really want is to be left alone. And the more they try, that more it angers me.
So now, immediately after work today (at 2:30 in the morn), I'll be venturing home, and prolly leaving as soon as its done to come back here to Calgary; cause I "have to work". All I really want to do is stay home and visit family and friends, alot of whom I haven't seen in a long time and really miss alot. For most, I can't remember the last time I seen them, for some it has been years.
My head is gone right now. Just so much thinking.
PS: Oddly enough, and I feel kind of bad for thinking it, it is kind of releiving that I'm not going home becuase of a suicide or drinking and driving accident. My cousin died of natural causes.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Friday, October 05, 2007
A Slap to the Face.
I know, I haven't written or posted anything for awhile. Truth be told, I've just been going through the motions, living day by day, contemplating what do next. And really, nothing has been happening, nothing astounding that will cause me to think. Nothing in everday life has been capturing my eye to take notice. Lately its just been me with every passing moment. But now, change is coming. Just as I knew it would.
And so I heard today, from the AGM (Assistant General Manager), about an incident that happened on sunday. (actually, a fellow co-worker told me about it, and I asked the AGM, who at first tried to ignore the subject by telling me it was a long story, but hours later told me). It turns out that three cooks at my restaurant were, very visibly and audiably, poking fun and cracking insults towards a native man, who wore an eye patch, in the restaurant. He sat there, tried to pretend he didn't hear what was going on, but out of frustrations flipped the cooks the bird. Apparently in an attempt to not be outdone, the three cooks banded together, stood at a very visible position and struck a pose as if too "call on" the native man. A few more words were exchanged on their part, and the native man continued to sit and eat his meal, with his family that were there also.
After the native family finished their meal, they paid and left. But moments later, he returned and spoke his mind about his disgusting encounter with the manager on duty. Turns out the manager on duty was the AGM. In an attempt to salvage the situation, the AGM paid for the meal, and with a family of 9 it was huge bill.
The native man left. And would never return again to the establishment I work in.
My situation: I'm native. The three other cooks still work there, and after I spoke with the AGM, no disciplinary action had taken place.
He had mentioned that it wasn't racially intended, that the three cooks were just being "assholes". All I can think is "does the native man" know that? The idea that the cooks were just "fooling around", does that justify the fact that no action had taken place? Does the idea of it just being a joke, justify the humiliation and embarassment this native man had to encounter with his family by his side?
I'm putting in my notice tomorrow and speaking directly with the owner. I might even write a letter to the franchise in which this restaurant operates under.
And so I heard today, from the AGM (Assistant General Manager), about an incident that happened on sunday. (actually, a fellow co-worker told me about it, and I asked the AGM, who at first tried to ignore the subject by telling me it was a long story, but hours later told me). It turns out that three cooks at my restaurant were, very visibly and audiably, poking fun and cracking insults towards a native man, who wore an eye patch, in the restaurant. He sat there, tried to pretend he didn't hear what was going on, but out of frustrations flipped the cooks the bird. Apparently in an attempt to not be outdone, the three cooks banded together, stood at a very visible position and struck a pose as if too "call on" the native man. A few more words were exchanged on their part, and the native man continued to sit and eat his meal, with his family that were there also.
After the native family finished their meal, they paid and left. But moments later, he returned and spoke his mind about his disgusting encounter with the manager on duty. Turns out the manager on duty was the AGM. In an attempt to salvage the situation, the AGM paid for the meal, and with a family of 9 it was huge bill.
The native man left. And would never return again to the establishment I work in.
My situation: I'm native. The three other cooks still work there, and after I spoke with the AGM, no disciplinary action had taken place.
He had mentioned that it wasn't racially intended, that the three cooks were just being "assholes". All I can think is "does the native man" know that? The idea that the cooks were just "fooling around", does that justify the fact that no action had taken place? Does the idea of it just being a joke, justify the humiliation and embarassment this native man had to encounter with his family by his side?
I'm putting in my notice tomorrow and speaking directly with the owner. I might even write a letter to the franchise in which this restaurant operates under.
Friday, September 21, 2007
I know, its been a long while since I typed anything. The fact that this has become a even more common occurence is a fact I cannot ignore.
Honestly, I just have many thoughts I need to sort through and little time to do it.
But, in the interesting of continuing to post that which interests me (and not simply focusing on venting that which plagues my mind), here is a clip of one of most favorite songs of all time, Lonely Day. It is a piano cover of said song.
This here is the actual music video of System of A Down, the band whom the song belongs too.
Honestly, I just have many thoughts I need to sort through and little time to do it.
But, in the interesting of continuing to post that which interests me (and not simply focusing on venting that which plagues my mind), here is a clip of one of most favorite songs of all time, Lonely Day. It is a piano cover of said song.
This here is the actual music video of System of A Down, the band whom the song belongs too.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Father
And so, here is a dream I had attempted in telling someone, someone I thought I might be able to talk too ... instead, halfway through it I got the brushoff.
But anyways, just so that I can share it .. and perhaps get some insight ...
in my dream, I'm standing by myself and just "being" so to speak. Nothing significant was happening nor could I see anything beyond me anyways. It was just me, standing there. And suddenly I'm approach by a young boy. He stood up to my waist and therefor could have only been 5-8 years old (I'm really bad at guessing age, but he was only a child). And he started asking questions about his father. Now, I cannot recall any direct question or phrasing he used .. but it steered along the lines of "why doesn't my father spend time with me", or "why does he spend more time with his other family" and other kinds of questions like that. But one question he never asked, but I knew he felt, was "why doesn't my father love/like me (why aren't I as important as them, to paraphrase)?".
And I stood there, staring down at him. I had wanted to answer all of his questions, to make him feel loved and all in all just feel better about himself. But he was asking about someone that I really didn't know or understand, and therefore all I could do was remain silent. With my arm, I nudged him closer and hugged him.
Suddenly it dawned on me, I recognised his brown hair and broad sholders. And as he stared up at me with lost eyes, I stared down on my nephew. It was my brother he was talking about? My brother was his father.
"I don't know," was all I could reply. And so we sat on sofa, and I hugged him as much as I could as he curled up and leaned in towards me. "But I love you," I whispered.
And as I said it, I could still feel his pain and still empathise with him that he deserved more; even though I knew it was all I could give.
And as the dream gave way and I slowly started to wake up, I remember thinking that if the dream stayed longer, then I would have been his father. He would become my son and I would care for him so that he may never feel lost again.
**** ***** **** *****
As I worked throughout the day, the dream lingered in the back of my mind. Was it a message? Had my nephew reached out to me asking for answers that I didn't have? I missed him when he visited my mom, his grandmother, for the summer. Was he reaching out?
Or was it my head telling me something about myself? My brother and I look alike, almost like identical twins (or so friends back home tell us) and therefore it isn't out of the question that my nephew also looks like me when I was younger. Did I speak with myself, asking questions that lingered for so many years that I still have no answer for? Did I just tell my inner child that I love myself?
Or was it just a dream? And I'm putting on it so much value and worth than needs to be?
Whatever the case, it was my dream ... and it hit me deeply. I felt it wholeheartedly that even when I awoke I felt a great amount of disgust towards my brother for making my nephew feel this way.
This is a dream I need to figure out.
(PS: just to mention, my brother has 5 kids, two from a previous girlfriend and who now live miles and miles away, and three with a current girlfriend (engaged)whom he is still with. My nephew I dreamed about is actually 7 years old. And also to mention: my parents have split up when I was 12 yrs old, and even though my father lived 5 minutes away, I've only ever seen him or talked to him 5 times a year.)
But anyways, just so that I can share it .. and perhaps get some insight ...
in my dream, I'm standing by myself and just "being" so to speak. Nothing significant was happening nor could I see anything beyond me anyways. It was just me, standing there. And suddenly I'm approach by a young boy. He stood up to my waist and therefor could have only been 5-8 years old (I'm really bad at guessing age, but he was only a child). And he started asking questions about his father. Now, I cannot recall any direct question or phrasing he used .. but it steered along the lines of "why doesn't my father spend time with me", or "why does he spend more time with his other family" and other kinds of questions like that. But one question he never asked, but I knew he felt, was "why doesn't my father love/like me (why aren't I as important as them, to paraphrase)?".
And I stood there, staring down at him. I had wanted to answer all of his questions, to make him feel loved and all in all just feel better about himself. But he was asking about someone that I really didn't know or understand, and therefore all I could do was remain silent. With my arm, I nudged him closer and hugged him.
Suddenly it dawned on me, I recognised his brown hair and broad sholders. And as he stared up at me with lost eyes, I stared down on my nephew. It was my brother he was talking about? My brother was his father.
"I don't know," was all I could reply. And so we sat on sofa, and I hugged him as much as I could as he curled up and leaned in towards me. "But I love you," I whispered.
And as I said it, I could still feel his pain and still empathise with him that he deserved more; even though I knew it was all I could give.
And as the dream gave way and I slowly started to wake up, I remember thinking that if the dream stayed longer, then I would have been his father. He would become my son and I would care for him so that he may never feel lost again.
**** ***** **** *****
As I worked throughout the day, the dream lingered in the back of my mind. Was it a message? Had my nephew reached out to me asking for answers that I didn't have? I missed him when he visited my mom, his grandmother, for the summer. Was he reaching out?
Or was it my head telling me something about myself? My brother and I look alike, almost like identical twins (or so friends back home tell us) and therefore it isn't out of the question that my nephew also looks like me when I was younger. Did I speak with myself, asking questions that lingered for so many years that I still have no answer for? Did I just tell my inner child that I love myself?
Or was it just a dream? And I'm putting on it so much value and worth than needs to be?
Whatever the case, it was my dream ... and it hit me deeply. I felt it wholeheartedly that even when I awoke I felt a great amount of disgust towards my brother for making my nephew feel this way.
This is a dream I need to figure out.
(PS: just to mention, my brother has 5 kids, two from a previous girlfriend and who now live miles and miles away, and three with a current girlfriend (engaged)whom he is still with. My nephew I dreamed about is actually 7 years old. And also to mention: my parents have split up when I was 12 yrs old, and even though my father lived 5 minutes away, I've only ever seen him or talked to him 5 times a year.)
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Something Different
Its been a LONG day at work. And I mean a LOOOONG day at work. I was the last one to leave; the new order came in .. and left. The cleaners came in .. and left. And there I was, still doing my duties amidst it all. It was like a ten pound metal ball chained to my ankle; it all took forever ... plus a day.
N E WAYS ... here I sit, a drink in hand with a movie playin on the tube (Take The Lead ... shhh, don't tell anyone), and now reminiscing about dance class in junior high. It was mandatory, the class .. only cause it was also apart of my gym class. Imagine how us boys felt when suddely we were playing basketball one day then suddenlty learning the fox trot.
But it was cool. We learned it .. cause we had too. But for me, it was fun. Learning new steps and new sequences, listening to other kinds of music other than what I heard in the halls all day long. It was different, it was nice.
Suddenly I remembered; when I was learning the Jive, for some odd reason I was pulling off all the pulls and turns and twists; up until the teachers (plural since there was a guy teach for the boys and vice versa) noticed me and started talking amongst themselves. All I could recollect was " ... just check out how he turns .. "(and blah blah blah). Needless to say, I danced stiffer than a cock at your local Eagle.
I hate attention ... just let me be and don't judge me, lol.
N E WAYS ... here I sit, a drink in hand with a movie playin on the tube (Take The Lead ... shhh, don't tell anyone), and now reminiscing about dance class in junior high. It was mandatory, the class .. only cause it was also apart of my gym class. Imagine how us boys felt when suddely we were playing basketball one day then suddenlty learning the fox trot.
But it was cool. We learned it .. cause we had too. But for me, it was fun. Learning new steps and new sequences, listening to other kinds of music other than what I heard in the halls all day long. It was different, it was nice.
Suddenly I remembered; when I was learning the Jive, for some odd reason I was pulling off all the pulls and turns and twists; up until the teachers (plural since there was a guy teach for the boys and vice versa) noticed me and started talking amongst themselves. All I could recollect was " ... just check out how he turns .. "(and blah blah blah). Needless to say, I danced stiffer than a cock at your local Eagle.
I hate attention ... just let me be and don't judge me, lol.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Crazy lil Thing Called Love
I've been going on a Buble state of mind lately ... not only is he talented, he's cute too (in a babyface kinda way.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
From Van
WOW has it been awhile since I posted anything .. my apologies peoples. I've just been so caught up with work and catchin up on sleep and vacationing in Vancouver, that really .. I had little time to think of anything to post let alone the time to post it.
But for now .. here are some random hotties in Vancouver who were out an about for Pride.
But for now .. here are some random hotties in Vancouver who were out an about for Pride.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
teaser
I know, I remember a wee bit back I had mentioned that I preferred to be behind the camera .. and thats still true. BUT, I did find a way to post a cartoon pic of me. It pretty much sums it up of me.
AND onto other things ... I test drove a tattoo. Yeah yeah yeah sure, it was airbrushed, the next morning I washed it off ... but really I wanted to get a response on what people thought. Maybe it'll be permanent next time, who knows.
AND onto other things ... I test drove a tattoo. Yeah yeah yeah sure, it was airbrushed, the next morning I washed it off ... but really I wanted to get a response on what people thought. Maybe it'll be permanent next time, who knows.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Numb - Linkin Park
This music video describes perfectly what I felt whilst in high school; a feeling that also followed me to college.
sicky
I'm sick .. it sucks.
I should have known something was up when at work I noticed a lump at the very end of my throat that was not letting me swallow food or drinks. It fuggin hurt everytime I tried.
Come 3 in the morning, I'm done my closing duties (finally), and I go home. Only to break out into a massive fever. Of course to me at the time, I wondered why the apartment was really cold. I sat on the sofa .. and started feeling a lil woozy ... yep, straight to bed. Only to awake in the morning and have every aroma in the apartment go straight to my gut and almost have me throw up.
At least I didn't have to go to work.
The lump in my throat is still there.
I forgot how good neo citrin could be.
Now if you'll excuse me, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is on.
I should have known something was up when at work I noticed a lump at the very end of my throat that was not letting me swallow food or drinks. It fuggin hurt everytime I tried.
Come 3 in the morning, I'm done my closing duties (finally), and I go home. Only to break out into a massive fever. Of course to me at the time, I wondered why the apartment was really cold. I sat on the sofa .. and started feeling a lil woozy ... yep, straight to bed. Only to awake in the morning and have every aroma in the apartment go straight to my gut and almost have me throw up.
At least I didn't have to go to work.
The lump in my throat is still there.
I forgot how good neo citrin could be.
Now if you'll excuse me, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)