Another holiday tainted with yet another loss of a loved one. I hope everyone's easter was ok, I hope ya hugged your loved ones. I didn't, I stayed at my moms in the basement drifting in and out of sleep as I was exhausted after the funeral for my auntie was over. And then after that I got sick. So in bed was where I stayed for a few days.

It sucks, ... the feeling of ... I don't know. It familiar though, cause I was just feeling it after my sister died in december. And now, here I was just three months later, burying my aunt next to my sisters grave. It was weird though, cause I just took a couple of steps back and I could see my cousins grave, right next to my other auntie who died a year before he did. 4 graves, in 4 years. I closed my eyes and prayed.

I was coming home for Easter weekend anyways, I needed to spend time with family, and I was determined that it wouldn't be a funeral that brought me home. Fate beat me to it. The moment I heard the news, I went home a few days earlier than I had planned.

No easter dinner this year, not for me nor my mom nor my younger sister. Every year we did, we would have a huge dinner at my moms where my aunts and their children would arrive and simply enjoy each others company. The 2-storey home would fill with screams of young ones and conversation of adults. In every square-inch there would stand someone.

But not this year. Instead, as I did in the basement, my mother stayed in her bed; exhausted from the days earlier. She needs her rest, and I pray she gets it.

I quit.

And so I quit. I had too. I couldn't take it anymore, I was tired of working graveyard shifts and tired of sleeping the daylight away. I need to see blue skys and the sun pass us by. I'm tired of sleeping all day and waking just in time to go to work for the evening. I need my social life back (ok ok ok, a wee bit dramatic considering I only worked there for a week). But honestly, the job was boring and not really that challenging ... and full of complete "know it alls". I was especially sick of being told to do something that earlier I was just told not to do, and sick of rolling eyes when I informed someone of this. I swear the next person that would have done it, I would have bitchslapped them so hard their future kids would have felt it. So I quit. It felt good. :-)

One HUGE reason for me quitting ... I was accepted into a trades program that I applied for. Sure I'll have lil money for the next few months, but after then, I'll be working as a First Year Apprentice Carpenter, and raking in the cash. WOO HOO.

500 POSTS!!!!

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Frozen Grand Central

Found this clip While I was blog surfing ... can't remember who posted it, but will I'll let ya know as soon as I figure it out.

Anyways, this is one of the wildest things I've ever seen.

Just another day

And so I was sitting on the couch at my moms, channel surfing with no destination in mind when I got to thinking, "I feel like a waste, I should do something."

And just then, my 6 year old neice comes running into the living room screaming the most joyous scream I've ever heard, followed by my younger cousins of the same age yelling "I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you". And around the coffee table they continue the pursuit, slamming their feet on the floor that echoes throughout the house. My cousin catches up with my neice, and "tags" her and screams "YOUR IT".

Suddenly their direction performs a complete 180 and now my neice is chasing my cousin, yelling "I'M GONNA GET YOU!" The scamper around the coffee table in the opposite direction, and then out of the living room to somewhere else in the house. Their playful screams echo.

All I can think now is "I'm tired."

one of my flickr faves

I Fell. It Hurt.

I'm definately taking it as a sign. So, on thursday I officially started my new job in the warehouse. As we all know, I've also lined up some other opportunities for me to partake in; other opportunities that I was eager to start. Therefore, when the phone call came in that I start work the next day, I was little enthused. But I figured I'd see what the job entailed; what I'd be doing, who I'm working with, and yadda yadda yadda, therefore I went.

It was ok, nothing exciting .. very few perks, 'cept for the wage. A very mediocre job. After four hours I could already see how I'd be feeling in the next few months after taking this job and knowing what I'd have passed up to do it. But, I do need money seeing as I haven't been working for two months. So I figured, working here for a week, at least I'd have some coin in my pocket.

And so after work, I went to the bank. I found a parking stall, parked. Opened the door, stepped out. And SLIPPED on a patch of ice. And now since the stall was on a slope, there was NO WAY I was stopping this fall. But, instictively I threw my hand onto the car to hold me up. It didn't work. As my hand stayed on the car, my body continued to fall the ground, thus popping my shoulder out as I fell and back in when I hit the ground, bruising the muscles.

Unfortunately, popping my shoulder is a comman occurrence, but this time it hurt bad. I went to the doctor, who told me not to use my arm for three - five days. First day on the job, and I'm already taking time off.

Yep, definately a sign.

... figures ...

Figures. When life is at a stand still, and one is attempting to do this and that just to get his feet going again, all options spring up at once.

And so, after a month of waiting for a phone call, it finally came. The night of New Years Ever, I had spoken with a friend of mine (moreso an aquintance than a friend, I must admit, still a good guy though) about everything that had happened in the past month (at the time), and he had offered a job at his warehouse. I jumped at it as it was something different and at the same time I was guaranteed a job. And so, he said he would call when everything was in order.

A month passed, and nothing. And so, after giving up hope, I learned of a program where I could learn a trade and have a very well paying job within 4-5 months. My cousin refered me to the program, and therefore it was a sure thing. Well, the program starts on the 11th of this month. And immediately after I had done everything I was supposed to do to get into the program, I got the phone call. I started my new warehouse gig the next day.

And just for a bit of comedy, as some may find it funny ... Canadian Idol auditions are this weekend as well. In just a few days, everything that I had been considering for myself, was being put into motion all at the same time.

As of right now, I'm considering the program. Here's to hoping I'm doing carpentry in the summer time.

(from the net)

Entangled

Just to keep up activity ... here's a pic.

Hey Ya'll

Well, unfortunately I've noticed a pattern emerging. There have been few and few posts as the months pass. One month there will be three posts, another would be five, but that sure is little when I look back at the beginning and see the numerous amounts of posts in one week.

Alas, I guess such happens as time goes on. As for a good reason for this, I can blame it on the fact that I have little privacy anymore, well .. did have little privacy at one point. Plus, I didn't really want my roommates to have access to that which are my personal thoughts. I mean, anonymity is okay and having readers is ok, but to suddenly have people think they "KNOW" me just because of what I write in a blog, AND having to deal with them everyday would drive me nuts. So I'd rather not deal with such people.

But, upon reading other blogs today, I've decided to post something again. A lil intro to that which is I. Sure sure I've done that before (I think), but this can be some kind of update since then. I mean, years have passed since I started this.

Hi, I'm a 26 year old guy. My last job was in a kitchen, that was an experience. But as for now, I'm unemployed. I'm the middle child of 5 kids total. Just recently however I've lost my older sister and that now makes four of us. A lil tidbit, I actually lost my sister and my job the in the same week; while I was away on vacation in Vegas (please don't ask if I "at least" had fun in Vegas, I left on the next flight I could). And then, a few days after that, my late sister's daughter had her 8th birthday. The funny thing, my older sister is in fact my cousin. My mother adopted her at the age of 8, along with her younger brother. Pretty ironic that years later my mother would become the legal guardian of her neice at that exact age (my sister had a daughter and was a single mother).

Anyways, with all this going on, I stayed in my hometown for the month of December. A week later, my younger sis would have her 18th birthday, and a day after that I would have my 26th birthday. 5 days after that, we would celebrate Christmas. It was a hectic month. Days before New Years, I would come back to Calgary, even though in my heart I didn't really want to leave home. I was a little iffy about it, I did want to come back, but then again I didn't; and I did when I didn't. All was confusing so I just needed time to myself.

It is now the 22nd. Weeks have passed. And yet, I still find myself wanting to be alone. I haven't really called anyone or been anywhere. But, I am at a point that I NEED a job as oppose to be simply "taking" time off.

I've just been thinking so much lately, and now I need to make a choice. Now is the time to take charge of my situation and grab the wheel and steer. Its been so long since I've done that, and I finally realise that now ... I need to live for me. I just don't know how to do that, yet.

On a postive note, I'm back at the gym. I've always had this membership, just never really used it. I made it about once a week, but never really made any effort. Because of it, my waist is bigger. So now, I've made it about three times a week. It feels good.

As for the post thing, the pessimist tells me this blog is slowly fading to non-existence ... if it hasn't already. Really though, the inspiration is just gone now. I don't have the content to post anything, and if I do I'm too tired to do it ... and the priority list, sadly this blog has dropped to the bottom.

I will still keep it up, just in case someday all inspiration comes back ... but I think, from here on in it'll mainly be a pic site .. just random photos of hotties and what nots. But here's to hoping.

New Year ... A New Year: prt Two

Christmas morning.

I can hear the footsteps of kids running around upstairs, and the footsteps of my mom and auntie who have been up for hours preparing Christmas dinner. I want to get up and join them, but I have no energy in my body; and so I lay wide-eyed in my bed in the basement.

I stare off into the basement where my bed lies; tucked away in a corner of an unfinished basement, separated by mere blankets tacked up to the ceiling to provide a false solitude. The more footsteps I hear on the cieling abover push me further into an unwanted sleep.

Moments later, I am awake again, ripping myself from the bed sheets and forcing one foot beyond the other. It takes all energy, what little of it I have, to climb up the basement starewell. And as I pass the final step, the peak, a joyous "Merry Christmas" and shouted by my neice. I smile. I join my family in the kitchen as our Christmas dinner is ready, early this year so that we may be able to join other relatives for a greater family dinner later on.

Its the first time my brother and his family spent the night at my mothers for Christmas in years. They didn't really have to since they only live one town away. But my mother offered, knowing the trip they made the night earlier. Perhaps out of guilt they obliged; perhaps not. Either way, they are here, and I'm glad for it.

My younger brother is already here, with his son. And as we all gather around the feast that I'm sure my mother and my aunt slaved over, a different air is present. All family is here except one, my older sister.

And with that, I glance over at her daughter, my neice, who is playing with her cousin as if nothing has changed. I draw back my tears as my mother finishes her prayer.

We open gifts, exchange laughs and harmless insults; and go through almost with ease our first different Christmas.

New Year ... A New Year: prt One

I sat behind the steering wheel staring off into the abyss before me, gazing off with no intentional stare as I find myself doing alot lately. The music from my Ipod played softly as my mom chatted on her cell phone on the hundredth call for the day. My two nieces sat with my lil sis in the back of the SUV, conversing back and forth as they usually do.

I slow to a halt and yeild to an approaching vehicle when my youngest niece catches my attention. "Did I cry?" she innocently asks.

I turn my head to catch her conversation with my sister, who replies "I don't know."

"What?" I ask.

"Did I cry," my neice asks again quite bluntly, "at my moms funeral?"

The car came quiet as I sat bewildered. I looked at my younger sis through the rear view mirror as she replied while staring at the floor a somber "I don't know."

My older sisters funeral was just weeks ago, and I sat in awe that her daughter, my niece didn't know whether she cried or not. Tears wanted to escape my eyes. "I can't remember," she said.

After another brief moment of silence, I answered her, "yes you did."

"Did I?!" she asked as if to be surprised. "When?" she went on, "At the wake or when we buried her."

"Both. But you cried alot when we were burying her. Your other Kokum (grandma) was holding on to you."

She sat quitely, thinking. "I don't remember," she said again.

"I do," I told her.

My brothers daughter, my other niece, started talking with her again; and then they were off in their own worlds again. As was my lil sis, who was now listening to her own Ipod, earphones and all.

From the corner of my eye I can see my mom glaring off into the horizon, just as I had been doing before the converstation started.

Slowly, I stepped on the gas and proceeded down the road so that we all may continue our Christmas shopping, which was only days away.

New Year ... A New Year

Cabs Suck

And so today (or night, since its 3 AM), I took two cabs to get home. Two.

The past few days have been nuts since our lounge closed down for renovations which also means labor must but cut as well. And therefore, today, I have two other able bodies in the kitchen instead of 5. And to make matters more interesting, they were all scheduled off early, leaving me even more clean up to do myself. Now maybe I'm just too used to the way it used to be, but it was hard.

After work, around 2AM, I called a cab. Now I must mention that I live on the other side of downtown and the only route to get home was through downtown. The ride does get interesting and expensive when you hit all the red lights.

As tired as I was, and even moreso because I have to be up early the next day to open the restuarant I had just closed, I was releived when the cab showed up mere minutes after I called. I jumped in, gave him my address, put on my headphones and slowly started dazed off (but I didn't fall asleep).

Next I know, after taking a phone call on his cell phone, the cabbie pulls over at a hotel and asks another cab (of a different company) if he's busy. He was, and we were off again, to another hotel where he dropped me off. Now, I'm nowhere near home, in fact, I'm only half way home AND halfway through downtown. From here, I had to hail another cab to get home.

I called the company and complained, who in return "assured" me that the cabbie was "disciplined" (whoever could not tell me how because it was against policy to do so). Whatever. And so, it costed me more to get home than it should in money, and time.

I'm still thinking about calling the Taxi Commission (the other cab I hailed told me to do so as that he seen what happened).

I'm OK

And so, last week was just one of those things where I'm bomb-barded with emotion, leaving me little time to assess whats going on and having no choice but to roll with it. A lot of times, when emotions like that come around, its a sign for me to take some time for myself and stop focusing on everything else around me. When I do get through it, it tells me that I'm in no situation that I like and thusfully change is due. Thank god my vacation is coming up.

Just 4 more days, and I'm off to Vancouver (yet again), but moreso I'm embarking on a road trip down the west coast to Los Angeles and up again through Las Vegas and then back home. The stops will be Portland, San Fransico, Seattle, Los Angeles and then Vegas (where I'll be spending a week). Its a trip thats been planned since summer, but is actually sinking for me right now.

AND THANK GOD, cause I really need time away from work. Ever since my fave manager quit unexpectedly .. work has been chaos for me. Lets just say that she was the only one who cared about the workers. The rest of the managers are just stupid, and work ever since then has been a strain for me. But when we close for renovations, I'll have paid time off which will be nice. It'll give me time to search for a new job, lol .... suckers.

But times will a change after that, this I know. I don't know how I'll deal with the changes and such, but ... changes will be had. I'm keepin my head high; for I know whatever happens, there is someone out there that still cares for me for whom is someone I care for deeply as well. And for me right now, thats all that matters.

Freak On A Leash

"Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Something's raped and taken from me... from me.

Life's got to always be messing with me. (You wanna see the light)
Can't they chill and let me be free? (So do I)
Can't I take away all this pain. (You wanna see the light)
I try to every night, all in vain... in vain.

Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You'll never see me fall from grace

Something takes a part of me ......


Something takes a part of me.
Feeling like a freak on a leash. (You wanna see the light)
Feeling like I have no release. (So do I)
How many times have I felt diseased? (You wanna see the light)
Nothing in my life is free... is free."


... lyrics that really represent how I'm feelin lately.