a new path

like sands in the hour glass .... and blah blah blah ... ok, I really don't know how that quote goes .. I may be gay, but I ain't that gay, lol.

Anyways, A NEW DIRECTION is where I'm now heading. Life has occured, moved on, progressed, whether or not I was progressing with it (as I've often felt and stated in my previous posts). And as one can notice, the frequency of posts (plus the coherency and flow found within the text) has ... diminished so to say ... I blame life and my mind at the time. Its hard to keep organised a project when you find yourself in a rutt. When all desire slowly fades away, so do other projects ... and for about 2 years, thats what has happened to me.

Am I back persay? Perhaps. I really don't know and don't want to set up false promises in the mean time ...

But i have started a new project, another blog entitled Stitched Again. Main reason is because life has changed drastically and I can genuinely say that I am happy, something I didn't think I'd feel again. And so, with an anewed spirit and empowered mind, I blog yet again.

I'll let the blog take it from here ... cheers and thanks for reading ..

There's just something about this guy ... I hope he gets far.

Michael Sarver - Thank You
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... here I, soon, come.

Wow it gets harder and harder to write in this ... I have so much to say, just very little time on the computer these days ... and oddly enough, my life is work and the gym, and thats it. Strange.

But, NEWS ... I've decided I'm moving. Yes yes, Calgary is a great place to be, great weather (even though suffering an odd winter this year), great people (very rare you'll meet someone born and raised here, but does happen) and great opportunities (I find that this city is still booming even considering the current crisis with the economy). But I feel Calgary has fulfilled its purpose for me in my late blooming life, and has played in a pivotal role in my actually LIVING of life.

And as much as I'm excited about my future move, I'm still anxious in saying goodbye. Moving even further away from family still seems impossible to my heart right now, considering how I've been feeling within the last year since the tragedy. Its almost unbearable to think that I won't be able to simply jump into a car and go visit family that very day (the move is out of province). I'll be moving away from everything I know and everyone I love, and yet I still feel that this move is something I must do.

Moreso, saying goodbye to a specific person is even harder. Does one ever truly let go of their first love? Granted we've been apart for a long time now; and I've dated since then. But he's the one I always think about. He's the one I remember the most. And he knows, I'm moving; but I've never actually said good-bye. And every time I've seen him since ... it seems to be the only discussion we can have, so instead I stay quiet. Even though I know that not discussing my move is probably not the best thing to do ...

I just want him to know that I loved him, that I still love him. I miss feeling his warmth when I hug him, I miss running my fingers through his hair. I miss his dirty car whose dashboard lights brighter than a christmas tree, lol.

I don't think I'll say good-bye. I can't say it and mean it. I can't just give up the possibilities in my head, even if thats all they'll ever be ... possibilities.

But movings is something I have to do, and this I know. I've spent so much of my life doing what was logical and expected and trying to help people out. I never really took a chance on my own happiness and my own successes. Instead I just escaped this situation and escaped that, and did what was expected and safe. And I don't want to be that person who wonders, what if.

Money isn't an issue, I can make great money in the construction industry, but it isn't money I'm worried about. I've had money before ... all that brought was many issues and worries. Now its just me.

And whats great about this move is that I'm not escaping anything. Nothing tragic is happening; as a matter of fact, I'm content. Life is ok right now, can be better ... and thats what I'm working on.

Vancouver ... here I soon come.

On The Plus Side

Ok, so after going back and doin some reading ... I'd have to say my mood is more somber and perhaps edging on morbid, lol. There's definately a serious tone there.

So on to some light-hearted stuff. My life, sure is probably in its downer stages, but does have some high points. ONE, my job ... except for the deep freeze of weather we're going through right now, I love it. I'm workin in heights with a group of guys that just love to goof off, and gettin paid awesome for it too. Its good.

My social life ... or lack there of, is nill at the moment. Still single, lovin it and hatin it, depends on the day. But I've come to realise that lefty lucy makes a good substitute ... especially if you hold your hand in the air until you lose feeling; it feels like someone else is doing it, lol.

Family, well ... been workin so much I haven't had time to go up and see them ... but I'll see them for Christmas .. that will be awesome.

And I'm sure there's more, lol ... I really just don't feel like typing right now ... so here ya go ... some pics. Good Day everyone.

I found out I was me ... so I prayed.

Yesterday, while in the steamroom of my gym (no, this is not a sexual story), I've achieved a state of mind that I've never ever thought I'd be able to achieve on my own. I always figured it can only be experienced the moment right before one falls asleep, or when one gets up too fast and not only gets light-headed but also in fact blacks out for a moment. You know that moment when you close your eyes and are about to let go of everything around, what you see, what you feel and what you hear are about to disappear into the deep black abyss while your mind, your subconscious is about to soar; yet the split second before it does, everything your about to let go is suddenly perfectly clear; its like your experiencing your senses all the while your staring into the deep black abyss. Its a moment where you know your you.

I achieved it. It felt like I was going to black out; and instead of waking myself from it, I decided to let it come. I closed my eyes, and all I could see where faint fireflies buzzing about in direct contrast of the blackness behind them. But I could still feel the heat from the steam, the moisture of the room and the humming of the room itself. And suddenly, the fireflies faded. Suddenly I was staring into blackness. And I was aware, completely aware of where I was. Completely aware of my existence. I was me, and thats all I was.

Considering everything I want and everything thats been happening in my life ... I could only do one thing at this moment. I prayed. I prayed over and over again in my head; asking for help, asking for a friend, asking for success, asking for family, asking for money, asking to be held, asking for someone to hold, asking .... asking .... asking ....

saturday pics

Me for Me

What do you do when you get to the point where you realise your alone? When family is so far away that even a phone call won't do? When you realise that you and your friends have nothing in common? When your roommate doesn't understand you at all? When all you do is work, and go home to sleep only to work the next day all over again?

... yeah, I'm in a rutt.

I blame most of how I feel on the fact that I'm single again. Of course, if I don't go out, then how will "Mr. Right" notice me, right? But I do go out from time to time ... only I'm never approached by anyone, AND I'm not really drawn to anyone myself ... so I guess thats the game I'm playin right now; waiting and wondering why.

Although, I feel I must mention ... I don't always feel this jaded and lonely, I've been so busy with work (worked alot of weekends in the past two months) and gettin sick because of it that I never really noticed time let alone how I was feeling.

But I guess it ain't that bad. I'm healthy, I'm working, my self-esteem is intact (for the most part), I'm going back to school, I'm back at the gym (and losing pounds, AND gaining muscle) ... people say that when you get back to yourself and do things for yourself that people will notice and thats when all the good things happen. Of course, this isn't to say that this is the mere reason for doing it all, I ain't doing all this stuff for myself for the sake of reaping rewards. Instead, I'm doing it cause I want too. Cause thats me and now is the time to look at, and take care of me.

So granted, life has been one whirlwind after another, and yes there are times I wonder why about everything ... I know I'm fine. I guess its the realisation that no one can take care of me, is makin me feel lonely.

Ya know, I don't even know if any of this made sense, lol. I trust it does.

Waiting For That Something Good

It seemed like a good idea at the time, a road trip with the boyfriend to the United States; simply to do some christmas (and personal) shopping. Make a weekend of it, a weekend excursion. Daughter will stay at grandmas. Leave friday afternoon, come back sunday. It was all planned out.

No. It wasn't.

No one knew a storm would hit, no one knew how bad the roads would be. And no knew, not even the truckdriver, that the truck would loose control and veer into the next lanes.

If my sister knew ... she wouldn't have gone.

She texted me that night, when she was going home from Great Falls. Complaining, in a jokingly manner, that I had no time to speak to my older sister. I texted back, "lol." She knew I was in Veags though, and told me to have fun. Even though it was only day one.

The next day, I would get a phone call telling me that my sister died, her and her boyfriend. And so home I went.

The anniversay is fast approaching. December 3. One year has passed since that phone call, since that day.

It creeps up on ya, the loneliness, the grief, the pain. It comes and goes as it pleases; and you get used to it. Its sad, but true.

And since that time, I've taken a course and done a career change, made new friends and all the time keeping old ones. Broke it off with the bf, still friends though, still live together (yes, I have my own room).

But everything is just .... a thing. Something to do as time passes. For the past two months, all I've done is work. I work monday to friday, then the weekend, then another weekend .. and so on, and so on. And suddenly two months pass and I find myself realising that a year has passed.

.... .... .... just so much. So soo much.

I find myself just going through the days. Just going with it.

A year.

NEGLECTED

Can we say, NEGLECTED!!!!! ... i think so.

Needless to say this blog has been inactive for quite a few months, a doing on my part that I had hoped would not happen. Nevertheless it did, and I feel I must apologise ... but lets face, in the world of personal blogs, such a happening is not so uncommon. But, I am sorry. I did have every intention of posting as often as I did upon starting this blog, and is sadly just did not happen. That sux.

I think life got in the way. Every since my vacation in December (that ended tragically), I really just haven't been in the mood to talk or type.

I partially feel that I've been discouraged from speaking by many individuals who only seemed interested in subjects that include them, therefore discussions of my family and anything going on with me is insignificant and not worthy of noting. But my life is happening ... and making even less sense for me, but at the same time is more comprehendable and livable than I remember it ever being. Odd eh?

But yes .... I sincerely hope that I will be able to come back here expand on what I mean that my life is happening; assuming of course I'm not too tired from my day at work or too distracted by anything else thats happening.

For now ... some notes:
- 90210, have been eager to watch it since I heard that a spin off from the original was being planned (let alone being filmed), however I do have mixed feelings about the actual first episode. I feel it was way too fast an introduction to ALL characters and possible storylines ... but it did keep me interested, and I think its simply because I was a fan (a closeted fan at that time) of the original Beverly Hills 90210.

- Work, am now a 1st Year Ironworker Apprentice and am currently doing curtain wall. We've reached the 11 floor and have been stubling upon obstacles from every which way. Its gettin stressful, but still fun. Today, the skip was down (skip, construction elevator erected on the outer wall of a building being constructed) so I had the pleasure of walking up 11 flights, then down for break and up again, then down for lunch and up again, and finally down on last time for the end of the day. I should have called in sick.

- Social life, I find myself mainly hanging out with my ex's friends and with my ex. Which is adding confusion to said friends who now think that we are either back together, or will be soon.

- Future, a big move is on the horizon for me, a big move to Vancouver, B.C.. As for what that means to me where Ironwork is involved, is completely beyond me; I simply don't know. As for what it means with my friends, means I'm leaving them behind. As for what it means with my family, whom I'm missing so much these days, I will be moving even further away; an idea that turns my stomache.

And so ... thats a brief update. And now for some pics ...

Being Single ... again

So as mentioned before, I got out of a relationship .. one that really wasn't working for me from the get go.

Anyways, I find myself wondering what its like to be single .. even though I actually am single. I think I'm findin it hard as to what it means because of the fact that I still live with the ex. The reason I stayed was more out of necessity than choice. Ya see, as I'm still training to be an ironworker, I'm still a student. And being a student here in this city, with its economy, sucks. I can't afford anything. And so, I still live with the guy.

For the most part, its all good ... I have my own time and I do my own thing (even though it mainly consists of walking around downtown by myself and window shopping), and I am making friends in the program. I still find myself trying to form an identity that I'm comfortable with. Ya see, most people I talk too were 'his' friends first. And absolutely nothing wrong with them, I still talk to them and we all hang out too, its just that fact .. they were his friends first. And that should mean nothing in regards to true friends .. and I feel that they are true friends. Its just, would I have met them if I hadn't dated this guy? Would I have met them if I had a true sense of personal identity a long time ago?

With were my new friends are heading, and where my old friends are from, I can't help be realise a huge rift between the two. I feel as if I'm coming from the fact that my being gay doesn't define me as a whole .. whereas my old friends, take away that fact and they have nothing else to talk about.

Well, I guess its just thoughts. And I'll see where I end up, I suppose.

Workin the Steel

And so I've been training in the union for three weeks now, today we're starting week four, and today I just got my first introduction to welding. Lets just say fish out of water, lol. But it was fun.

Last week, we worked. That class and I were brought on to construction sites tying rebar. And let me tell you, you will never see a fat ironworker working in rebar. The amount of running around, the weight one must pack, the amount of time your hunched over tying the slab beneath your feet is EXHAUSTING. I was forming muscles in my legs I didn't even know I had. As much as I loved it, I don't think I've slept so much in one week. But the money I made, compared to the actual amount of time worked, is HUGE. CHA CHING! (there were days that us students were not needed on the site, lets just say that the weather, the steel manufacturers, the foreman and his crew .. all came into play. It was one rough week for EVERYONE).

All of last week, my days started at 5 in the morning, just so I can make it to work by 7 (or 7:30am), but at least we were done the site by 3pm. I really need a car, lol.

Harness

And so the training continues ...
Today, was the introduction of harnesses and its proper and safe usage. And no, I'm not talking about the latest excursion to The Eagle, or a learning session with a "Master".

Today was my Fall Protection course needed for my Ironwork training. But needless to say, everytime the instructor even mentioned the word "harness", my mind wandered, lol.

Actual harness hurt, for me anyways, when suspended a short distance into the air ... but I must mention that its mainly due to my size. Well, it was my sign to get back to the gym, which I did immediately after class today. But my dinner of fried chicken sure didn't help things, lol.

A Days rest

And so ... its sunday ....
I really have nothing to say today. It was a great weekend, went out with new friends on friday, had an awesome time with my new roommate (a friend of mine moved in). Finished it all off with a minor workout at the gym today.

For the most part, I just relaxed at home and chilled. It was nice. I haven't done that in a long time.

One thing though ... I really need to get laid, lol. And let me say this, these kind of pics ain't helping .. lol

NEW GEAR

Did I mention that I was in a pre-apprentice program? I'm sure I did at one point .. even if just vaguely. Ah, the joys of a copious amount of time passing between posts; ya never know what ya mentioned before.

Anyways, I remember posting that I quit my job in favor for a program I got in. At first it was all up in the air as to whether or not they would accept my application, ya see .. I was waitlisted. And there were people ahead of me. And so I waited and waited, working a job I hated in the meantime but yet hoping for the best. And sure enough, last minute I got in.

And so, for the past few months, since February, I've been in a program and attending classes everyday. Now, I think this is the first time since high school that I actually attended classes everyday. But not only did I attend, I also showed up early for class. (That fact alone astounds me, lol) The biggest reason behind all this is that if I miss enough classes, I would be removed from the program. Anywho, the first month was a personal developement focus, and the next month (or actually 17 days) was upgrading to ensure a passing grade on the Apprenticeship exam. Its feels like its been long, but I'm sure its becuase of the low pay we receive monthly as incentive, and the fact that I'm not working in the inbetween time. So while doing all this, money is scarce.

But, its paying off ... just today I bought new steel toed boots, a pair of carharts and other miscellaneous stuff for work; ya see, starting monday I actually start training in the union shop. WOO HOO!

Another good thing is that a good friend of mine from high school, who I just happen to be in the same program, now lives with me and we're both learning the same trade. It really looks like things are starting to shape up for me. *knocks on wood* ... ya never know.

UPDATE ...

Because alot of time has passed since I last posted something, I think its needless to say that alot has happened. So much, in fact that being online and being a net junkie has been last on my list.

For starters, I'm single. After a long long relationship, we've come to the realisation that our relationship was labelled something that it indeed wasn't ... at least thats the story I'm stickin with. It is true .. its just not the whole truth. In fact, it actually stretches for a long period of time spanning months. Truthfully, I personally was doubting the relationship in what feels like ages ago ... and I always had every intention of bring it up, but usually I would chicken-out out of fear of hurting him, or hurting me, or too much uncertainty was in the air about where I would live and such ... and as I thought and thought about this, life would happen, thus steering my attention towards something else. First is was losing my job, then it was the passing of my sister, then it was the fact that I was in school and really had no money .... but alas a time had come where I had to be truthful.

As mentioned, another passing of a loved one had come and gone. I ventured home to be with family (which was planned in the first place for the long weekend) and to help out with the funeral as my mother would be planning and taking care of the "arrangements" as second time since the passing of my older sister. I knew she would need the help even if she didn't really ask for it. But at the time, I thought more and more about myself and the life I was living and the people in my life and I realised, that I felt so alone. I wasn't the me that I even partially knew (as say that as I feel as if I'm on a constant trek to becoming who I am supposed to be). And I knew something had to change.

And so I took a look around my home town, my home indian reservation, and tried imagine the people that may fit in my life back home who were in my life now. And truth be told, no one fit. Not the guy I was with, not any of my friends; no one who I had encountered on a frequent basis. And as I analyzed previous conversations and chit chat, I realised the amount of judgement and prejudice towards my people that these people spoke with ... now it may be partially my fault in that I allowed it for so long, but nevertheless they continued to speak to me in such a manner. And so, I had to do what I'm currently doing now ... I'm keeping them at a distance. I'm continuing forth with my own journey on my own.

I've been in a huge rutt for the past year and I need to stop it. Right now, I need to surround myself with people I can trully call friends, people who are supportive and who challenge me in many ways. I needent be pitied or taken care of; I need to steer myself. I need to stand on my own two feet.

Its still a journey, life always will be. I just hope I don't make the same mistakes as I just did.

Another holiday tainted with yet another loss of a loved one. I hope everyone's easter was ok, I hope ya hugged your loved ones. I didn't, I stayed at my moms in the basement drifting in and out of sleep as I was exhausted after the funeral for my auntie was over. And then after that I got sick. So in bed was where I stayed for a few days.

It sucks, ... the feeling of ... I don't know. It familiar though, cause I was just feeling it after my sister died in december. And now, here I was just three months later, burying my aunt next to my sisters grave. It was weird though, cause I just took a couple of steps back and I could see my cousins grave, right next to my other auntie who died a year before he did. 4 graves, in 4 years. I closed my eyes and prayed.

I was coming home for Easter weekend anyways, I needed to spend time with family, and I was determined that it wouldn't be a funeral that brought me home. Fate beat me to it. The moment I heard the news, I went home a few days earlier than I had planned.

No easter dinner this year, not for me nor my mom nor my younger sister. Every year we did, we would have a huge dinner at my moms where my aunts and their children would arrive and simply enjoy each others company. The 2-storey home would fill with screams of young ones and conversation of adults. In every square-inch there would stand someone.

But not this year. Instead, as I did in the basement, my mother stayed in her bed; exhausted from the days earlier. She needs her rest, and I pray she gets it.

I quit.

And so I quit. I had too. I couldn't take it anymore, I was tired of working graveyard shifts and tired of sleeping the daylight away. I need to see blue skys and the sun pass us by. I'm tired of sleeping all day and waking just in time to go to work for the evening. I need my social life back (ok ok ok, a wee bit dramatic considering I only worked there for a week). But honestly, the job was boring and not really that challenging ... and full of complete "know it alls". I was especially sick of being told to do something that earlier I was just told not to do, and sick of rolling eyes when I informed someone of this. I swear the next person that would have done it, I would have bitchslapped them so hard their future kids would have felt it. So I quit. It felt good. :-)

One HUGE reason for me quitting ... I was accepted into a trades program that I applied for. Sure I'll have lil money for the next few months, but after then, I'll be working as a First Year Apprentice Carpenter, and raking in the cash. WOO HOO.