123

due to lack of originality, this post is called 123, lol. Have no idea who to credit for these ... but hey, thanks.

Man of 1,000 Words ...

A man of a thousand words, but barely speaks one; these were the words of the ex this past weekend. Yes, that means I spent more time with him .. but I needed someone. And had no one else to call .. he is the only person who could and would be there for me. You see, I got the flu this past weekend. I was bedridden, all weekend up until sunday afternoon. Friday evening and all of Saturday passed in a snap cause I was drifting in and out of consciousness. He called me up on friday, and I answered, to his surprise (I'm usually out by the time he gets off work). I told him I was sick and how bad it was .. and he offered to come over. He wondered if I needed someone ...

Now I'm not one to show vulnerability .. and considering he and I are considered broken up, I was rather hesitant. But, I was sick. My head throbbed as my body ached with the slightest movement. I was freezing cold as my body produced the heat of a powerplant. And I live alone. I live alone in a city where I have no family nearby. As sick as I ever could be, and I was alone. So when he called, and asked if I needed anyone .. how could I refuse? Plus he wanted to be there for me. I was there for the three times he was ill, I just thought he wanted to repay it all. And boy, he sure did.

He came over after his work on friday by about midnight, made me tea, tried to get me to eat and made sure I covered up in excessive amounts of blankets. The next day, while I lay weak in bed, he stayed over pretty much all day. And over at my place thats quite the task as I have no computer (and no internet) and no cable. Any DVD's I do have he's already watched. So he cleaned my apartment. Thoroughly might I add. Nearly spotless from top to bottom. All the while me drifting in and out of consciousness.

I was so sick .. and he stayed all weekend. Well until this morning (monday). Friday night until monday morning, the ex stayed with me until I got better.

Man of a 1,000 words .. but barely speaks one. Next post you'll see what that means ...

Pics

Pics I stumbled across ... no one to credit, so if its you ... they're really nice. Congrats.

... ... *sigh*

So I had dinner with the ex last night. I invited him out. I just needed to be with a friend, so I asked him. Was that wrong?

He came. We ate. We had a drink. But all in all, the air throughtout the entire night was filled with things we weren't saying to each other.

Until I mouthed the words "I miss you."

F.F. Bear Art

Woof

Awww .. how sweet and endearing is this? Nothing screams comfort like a gorgeous cub fast asleep.

What did you eat today?

So apparently everything is getting back to normal .. whatever normality exists that is. Anyways, I ended up going out last night .. no really a big surprise when you consider that fact that I've been "going out" since the breakup. And while out I ran into a friend of mine. One of the few great friends I have here in Calgary.

And as the night progressed, he looked at me with a bewildered look in his eyes.

Friend: "What did you eat today?"
Me: "What?!"
Friend: "What did you eat today?"
Me: "Why?"
Friend: "I haven't seen you this happy in weeks."
Friend: " What are you on ..."

I left it at that.

Smokingly Hot

I have to admit, there are some guys that just look good with a cigarette in mouth. As much as smoking is disgusting and smelly and all in all unattractive while talking to someone at the bar ... oh who am I kidding? I need a smoke right now.

Drifting ...

I remember it quite vividly, walking down the numerous alleys of Venice, Italy ... the grey stone and huge door knobs everywhere I turned. A few sexy Italians walking by, but mostly it was tourists. The gandolas rowing on by. Its nice not knowing where a song will take you .. thank you Scissor Sisters.


Powered by Castpost

Whats really odd though is I bought the album when I was in Germany, not Italy. Interesting ....

a lil presumptuous I think ....

You are Superman

Superman 75% Iron Man 65% Supergirl 55% Wonder Woman 50% Batman 45% Catwoman 45% Spider-Man 40% Robin 40% Green Lantern 40% The Flash 35% Hulk 35%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Went home for lunch today ... usually go home as I don't carry a lunch and I'm trying to NOT eat in the cafeteria (once is okay, but every day .. that costs money .. money I do not have). The funny thing about breakups is that life continues on, no matter how much one is hurt there are still bills to pay and a future to either choose or prepare for. Time waits for no man.

And I suppose with this mind, I had checked the mail. Seeing for myself what bills have been neglected and need some tending to. And what do you know ... an envelope from back home, my hometown. Didn't really state who it was from, just that it was from back home. So I opened it and pulled out a cheque for 125 bones.

It actually does feel unsettling having this amount of money at my disposal.

And next I know, a phone call ... it was the ex. As per a friends request, he's keeping in contact ... and I bless him for that. I've allowed the separation to happen on the basis that my head is messed up and I have a lot of thinking to do ... really I feel it all comes down to the fact that self-fulfilment needs to be reached before I can be in a relationship. Should one be in a relationship when one isn't truly happy nor satisfied with oneself all the while with another person intimately? I say no, simply because that one person will always seem distant and reserved because of thier own state of unhappiness leaving the significant other to assume its because of them. I couldn't do that .. so I let him go. He still calls ... and I'm grateful for that. For no matter how much my decision hurt him, I still care for him and pray nothing but good things for him. And what I need right now .. are friends. Since I've just realised yesterday that I don't have many here. A lot of aquintances, but no one I actually invite over.

Anyways, he knows how much I like sports. I love a good sweat after a work out .. I like knowing that whatever I'm doing is beneficial to my body (minus smoking which I will be overwith soon). And therefore suggested I turn to some sporting activity. I think this check is gonna go to that. I think I'll start buffin up again. Besides, I need something other than alcohol to pass the time.

Alone again

An all too familiar silence crept throughout the apartment last night. A darkness followed suit emitting a kind of supernatural vibe. And as mentioned, if felt all too familiar. Shadows danced about on the walls, ceiling and floors. Shadows that only I can see. Shadows meant to taunt. And all I can do is sit there and embrace the loneliness, embrace the silence, embrace the nothingness.

As the shadows danced to the music of scattered street noise echoing from the street below it dawns on me that I'm alone again.

knock knock at the door - a poem

The heavy, stale air lingers and consumes my lungs. A feeling neither wanted nor ignored. Through the nostrils, down the throat, to where it will base camp in my stomache. Empty air weighs me down. Deafening silence echoes along empty walls and pounds on my ear drums .. a deafening noise only I will hear.

Knock knock at the door ...

the darkest black is the sky. the busiest of streets now dead still. earths rotation slows. and still i stand.

knock knock at the door ...

in a still world my mind races on. chaos after chaos my mind stumbles upon, all making sense and all making none. for all thoughts illogical and all logic thoughts live inside this one skull ... all glaring into the world upsidedown.

knock know at the door ...

the tiniest slight catches attention .. the tiniest movement of even the chest. complete awareness but still oblivious to all. for the only awareness that matters not is still here I stand.

knock knock at the door ...

when no one lives here no more.

Maybe

No one gets the situation I'm in .. hell, even I don't get the situation I'm in. As mentioned in the previous post .. me and my guy are no longer. I had attempted in telling him that I need time to think, somehow that turned into a breakup. Which is probably a sign because even I don't know how much time I need.

He was a great guy .. absolutely perfect. So perfect I felt imperfect.

Maybe I was too rash .. maybe with everything in my head about my financial situation, my future with school, my needing a roommate quickly, and my wanting so much for myself ... maybe I was merely looking at what I didn't have as oppose to what I did have.

And I Let Go

I had to. He was too good for me. I never even knew that was possible ... but he was. He wanted to see me happy, he wanted to hear me laugh, he wanted to see me successful. And I let go of him.

Truth be told, I broke it off with him ... he would have stayed. He would have stuck it through ... I guess I just didn't like that idea of me relying on him. For one, he's in the same boat as I as in we both have a lot of debts to clear ... but lately he's been supporting me. He's bought me groceries and he's done ALL of my laundry and over and over again he'll make a trip just cause I ask him too ... and I can't return any of that. I can't be where I want to be for him. He's done so much for me that frankly I should be able to do for myself and not need to rely on someone. I can't be dependent on someone.

As mentioned .. the roommate moved out, on two days notice. That fact broke me. I literally have NO money, and I should have at least been prepared for something like this. I should have looked ahead and prepared for possibilities, but that didn't happen and now I'm in a rut. A rut I can't break out from, and I don't want to bring anyone down.

I need to change .. I need to learn more for myself. Right now I'm lost and need to find myself. And I can only do that alone.

hmmm ... odd

This is what I find odd, but let me briefly explain ... lately I've had ALOT on my mind. As mentioned the past couple of months have been a rollercoaster of emotions and stresses, constantly I'm going UP and DOWN and UP and AROUND (and get you head out of the gutter ... yes yes I've done that too but that is NOT THE PURPOSE of this post). I've just had alot going on, one by one it comes and goes and one by one it leaves a mark.

But whats odd is that whatever it is I'm consumed with at the moment seems to ripple from my mind and into the outer world. There's always something reminding me of whatever's in my head. Almost solidifying the concern, making sure I don't forget. Now it can be of any message whether to "make a choice" or "just deal" or just any other symbol portraying to the audience (if I were story that is) of the current situation I find myself in.

With that said ... I went to see "A Lost Lady Sailior" [linked to the right] to see what she's up too, and I find a quiz. A quiz I took and now have posted. Ironic if you consider what was said in the previous post.

FYI

There is one common occurence I've noticed amongst bloggers; and that is that there comes a time when the author must go on hiatus. There is usually a time period when there is no activity on the blog that it leaves the audience wondering "what happened?" I know I've experienced that with a few blogs that I thoroughly enjoyed. And tis really a shame when its done unexpectedly.

And so, I'm trying to aim in not doing so. I may not post much these days as I have a lot on my mind that I must think over. I'm not abandoning the blog, nor will one day when a reader types the URL will the ISP inform that the address cannot be found. I may once in awhile post something .. maybe some pics or whatever .. but this blog will no longer (and hasn't been forawhile) be daily updated.

I'll still be here .. just not as consistent.

Found this clip ...

Ok .. maybe its just me .. but I find this to be completely hilarious. I don't know if its true or not ... but, ... oh god what if it is.

Week 2 of 2006, part 2

Ahem, can I get you something to drink? A beer ... water .. me perhaps?

Week 2 of 2006

Hope ya'll had a good weekend.





No my original pics and cannot for the life of me remember whose to credit for them.

Passed Out

It was a wednesday evening, and being the broke fella I was, I decided to pass the time away and go play some free pool at the Eagle. At least then I was gauranteed to do something, being broke I didn't really have much options open, and besides, free pool wednesdays ensures I meet up with someone I know.

And sure enough, a guy walked in that I knew. Now I hadn't seen him since before christmas and it was now after New Years, so there were guaranteed stories to tell.

We got to chatting and I he asked me, "How was your New Years?"

Jokingly, I replied, "I heard I had fun." He laughs.

"Apparently I passed out while talking to someone," I add.

"What?!" He asks surprised. As most gays in bar settings do, he only heard certain words and put them together to make sense to him. "you passed out while 'with' someone?"

"While talking," I corrected.

"Oh," he says," I thought you said 'with'. I was gonna say I had many stories where I did on occassion."

I stare at him with a smirk. "Dude," I say back, "they wouldn't just be stories to me, its also a memory."

"OH YEAH," he realises as he laughs.

Random Pics

Because I haven't really been in the mood to post .. here are some pics to make up for the missed F.F. series last week .. just some pics I stumbled across. I don't know who they are, or who is to credit for them ...

Random Pics 2

More pics I stumbled across. Same deal as in i don't know who they are of, nor whom is to credit for these ....


There's just something about this fellows eyes ... wouldn't you say?

And I sleep

Damnit, a mild depression is sinking in. Its small .. but I can feel it. In fact, I think I'm only writing this so I can get it off my chest and I can continue throughout my days. And frankly I don't know why .. I didn't do much yesterday anyways.

Ok ok ok, from the top.

Yesterday I was anxiously awaiting the clock to strike 5. I just had the longing to leave the office, I need to get outside while the sun was still out. But by the time it did, the sun was almost set. Almost, the sky was filled with streams of various colours of blue as the sun ducked behind the mountainous horizon. But, there was still light .. and thats all I wanted.

I ventured to the downtown mall just to pass the time away. Unfortunately I now realise that going to mall when all one has is 6 dollars to their name is NOT a good idea. Seeing all the jackets and clothes and DVD's one wants just makes it more depressing that one is broke. Clothing store after clothing store after book store after decorating store just made me realise that I'm not even close to affording shit like that, not even in a couple of months.

And being the thinker that I am, I started analyzing as to why I wanted all these things. And all I can come up with is that one day I'll get them. I'll get them for the sake of having them, for the sake of knowing I can have them. Sor the sake of knowing that when I have them, I willbe successful. And well, the mentality is there whereas the means isn't. Classic supply and demand .. the demand is great and the means of supplying is slim. Now of course, being the thinker I am ... this lead to yet another thought; self reflection. Why can't I get these things? Why aren't I successful.

I'm now 24 years old, and NO WHERE where I wanted to be. I should be DONE a degree by now and working a job that I didn't just "fall into". As was my predicament before I was asked to leave a college, Calgary is a place I ended up at. And for that I'm greatful at times for Calgary as shown a kind of life that isn't dull and lonely but rather quite the opposite ... but other times I can't help but feel that something is missing, something is still missing.

And so, by 7:30pm, I venured home while in a deep trance of thought. Mindlessly I cooked and ate .. and fell asleep. The bf called ... but I was far too tired to do anything. I tried talking to him, but .. couldn't.

Now he's worried. Should I be?

**** UPDATE: posted after the comment was posted ****

To clarify, this is just a lot of thinking resulting from the fact that I'm broke, which in itself is a result of the roommate suddenly moving out. I'm just stressed in that fact I'm broke right now. I'll be broke when the next payday comes around. Hell, I'll even be broke in Frebruary if I keep up with my plan to move to another apartment (and considering the street I live on right now, thats not a bad plan). I'm stressed and depressed about a current situation, combine that with whats already in my head and it leads to thinking too much which results in yesterdays events. I know I just need time .. and patience to get through a plan.

PS: no F.F. series this today. Perhaps tomorrow or sometime next week. Just no time, and couldn't find any pics I wanted to use. But here's a hint ... one word = Jersey's.

BTW

Over at Best Gay Blogs ... I did not win the title of Best Internation Blog ... and with a design like mine, I'd have to say I'm not surpirsed ... what I'm still surprised at the fact I was nominated however. People are taking notice of what I do here (which is? I'm not quite sure yet). I honestly don't know what place I came in .. but, I know I was voted for ... by me, lol.

Ball Caps

While out one night (I really don't think there's anything else I do at this time in my life .. oh well, I still have fun), it was mentioned by a friend that I always wear the coolest hats. And for someone who wears ball caps more often then I do, I was surprised he called them "hats". Anyways, I took a good look at my head gear one night and looked around at others, and I must say .. he was right. I never did noticed until that moment simply because I never really thought that much about my caps ... I always bought the ones that looked cool to me. Of course, I must admit that it does help the cool factor when you realise I bought my caps whilst in Germany. But ... I guess its true .. I always wear the coolest caps.

Caps, I think, add a sexy factor to most men. Not all can pull it off I must say, while others NEED caps and don't look good without 'em. My boy is a lucky one .. .he looks good with and without. As for me .. it depends .. I don't know if it adds to thesexy factor .. all I know is that some of my friends have warned me that someday, my caps will go home with them. But I like guys who can wear caps ... maybe its the sport appeal that it adds .. maybe its the sexy factor ... maybe its nothing at all and a mere preference .. but when the right guy wears the right cap ... mmm mmm good.

Interesting

Interesting ... I went out to the Eagle last night cause I was bored at home and everyone I called wasn't home (ok ok ok, so I only called one person .. that still consititutes as "everyone technically), and besides .. it was free pool night. Being that I'm broke ass, it seemed to be the perfect solution to pass the time away. And I must say, it sucks when you play the entire game as a pool shark then BAM .. scratch on the 8 Ball.

Anyways, what I find interesting is that I only have 17 bucks to my name ... woke up with 12 ... and I quite clearly remember drink after drink after drink. Hmmmm ...

Anyways ... not much progress in the roommate situation, noe in the financial one either ... damn this sucks.

MOVING ON ... I've noticed that throughout the holidays, my main kinds of pics seem to focus on Hairy, Bearty, Woofy men ... and well, I'm kind of hoping that todays picks will make up for that. I like to think that I'm diverse in my pics .. maybe I'm fooling myself, maybe I'm not. Either way, it doesn't matter .. I received no complaints on what I post ... so .. whatever.

I Can't Get My Tatty

So, a New Year is here, time for changes and moving forward and yadda yadda yadda.

Frankly, I'm a lil stressed .. Why you may ask. Well, I only have 17 dollars to my name .. and I'm running out of food, and the bf works nights until the weekend. Unless I win the fuggin lottery, I ain't gonna eat for the next couple of days. Ok ok ok, that is an overexaggeration .. but I am stressin about my finances. The whole roommate thing is still in effect, she hasn't called back (like she said she would) and I'm still operating on that assumption that she ISN'T moving back. Which thus means .. all money next pay check is going to bills I haven't paid yet. And half is going to cover for WHOLE rent next month. And the pay check after that .. well, same routine as just mentioned. And in order to catch up on EVERYTHING, the following month is the same deal ... so like I said. Her moving out on couple days notice pretty much determines my life for the next couple of months. (unless I put in TONS of overtime and somehow get it approved for my pay)

So, with this in mind here's a list of things I can NO LONGER get because of my current situation:
1. My tattoo thats taken me YEARS to find
2. An X-Box, for those days when I want to stay home and there's nothing to watch
3. Groceries .. foods overrated anyways
4. A jockstrap for me
5. A jockstrap for my boy
6. A metal cockring (kink will have to wait for another day)
7. Army pants for my boy ... what hell, for me too

Really just a bunch of things that I wanted to do .. like move out of my apartment. So much for apartment hunting this month .. looks like I'll be living on Crack Corner while my rent goes up. Anyone know of a sugardaddy looking for a boy? Anyone?

There goes my vacation too ... hahahaha, what a laugh. I couldn't afford to vacation even if the roommate did come back. I guess somethings will never change.

The Dust Settles ...

Whoa .. what a December, let me tells ya. Damn oh damn how the hell does one get through it all, I mean really? But what they hey; 2006 is here, another day, another year, another sun rise. Brand new chapter in the neverending story I call life. So tell me, whats new? Whats happening? Whats going on?

With me, well, I have a brand new TV and leather chair to enjoy at home. Frankly I was hoping to surprise the roommate with them but she beat me to the surprise by calling me up from the other side of the country to let me know that she IS NOT coming back. Two days notice before rent had to be in and she tells me shes not coming back. WTF!? So needless to say, all my finances will be going to pay for bills and rent for ALL of January, AND I need to find a roommate on top of that ... yes yes, what a way to start the New Year.

Frankly, I'm all for doing what you gotta do to make life better for yourself. But to me, this came as a huge surprise. I had no idea she was unhappy (although, I should have paid attention because I guess there were signs), and she could have at least let me know that there was a possibility of her not coming back. According to a friend of mine, she's been thinking about this for awhile ... and ARGH!

Honestly, I just expected better ... I expected just lil more respect in this kind of manner than what she has given me ... because now that she's moved .. my life has just been affected for the next three months. (talking about bills and finances). Damnit damnit damnit ....

Oh well .. here's some pics for ya'll ... not really in a mood to post anymore. Hope ya'll had a great New Years .. mine was good. I heard I had fun (joke about how drunk I was, lol).