Renaldi

Renaldi Renaldi Renaldi. What can I about Richard Renaldi other than GOD DAMN! Handsome, a total man ... and talent. Now here, I'm showcasing his talent.

I first came across Renaldi when I was reading a magazine. I didn't think much of it first simply because trendy pop mag's are NOT the first ones I pick up when I'm looking for art. So when I came across Renaldi again on the net, (I didn't immediately recall where) I had to google him. And got his websites www.renaldi.com and www.renaldi.com/2/ .... the second one is his latest work

After a thorough browse, I must say he's my fave. Simplistic and not over the top. His pics have a nature tone to it all. And its like you know your looking at a picture but can't help but feel you should be seeing more. Renaldi ... is one heck of a genius. And his Navajo work found in his early site ... awesome. Check it out ... you'll love it.

RICHARD RENALDI ... keep it up man. I love your work.

Andrew's Moblog: Simplicity at its Best

UPDATE: FIRST PIC EVER ON MY BLOG. This here is Andrew.

I've been surfing the net ... well, I don't know the answer to that one ... for a long time (that pretty much sums it up). And well, as I surf from blog to blog I"ve discovered other sites called moblogs, vlogs, and so on and so forth. But there is one blog that I come across very much. Andew's Moblog. And man oh man, does this guy know how to take pictures. Simplicity at its Best. Not to mention cute and buff as hell. I keep frequenting his site in hopes that more pics will be posted, and when theres nothing new, well theres always something to look at in his site. Congrats dude. HOLLA!

I've linked him over in the side bar. But if your too lazy, you can also click this post's headline to get to it. (lazy bastards ... opps, did I jus type that ... meh.)

2 muscle studs in 1 day

Okay ... so I'm definately not str8. Yesterday, for the first time ever in my life, I felt a female boob. (What?! What did you think I was going to say?...) Apparently quite a big boob too. Firm and the same size as the its partner in crime. But it did nothing for me, AT ALL! And besides, I only felt it because she felt mine (which apparently are also firm and nice, that I never knew). So yeah, thats all the proof I need to know that females got coodies.

What a day today. Was late for work (not like thats anything new) and as I hopped into the elevator and on the way down it stopped on the 10th floor. Open doors, in walks the most gorgeous muscle stud to walk the earth. (Jaw literally drops) In my building, and I've never seen him before. Needless to say I wanted to do to him what the elevator was doing, going down. Totally hot, summer shorts the barely concealed a firm butt, a ball cap (which screams sexy all alone on the right guys), complete with sleeveless shirt that exposed his huge ripped arms (god I would love to see him after a workout). mmmmm ... I only hope I can see him again. If I wasn't so tired, I'd say hi; comment on the morning, said anything to strike a convo. But only got a chance to look into his eyes and drift away. Then bam, ground floor and he is gone; sadly not in the direction I was going. Other wise I could have stared at that butt all day.

HOT GUY NUMBER 2!!!
A few minutes later, still on my journey to work ... instead of walking the streets to get to my building I decide to take Calgary's Plus 15 (downtown is connected together on the 2nd floor with numerous hallways the connect each of the buildings). I take this route because I'm late and I don't want to be later due to traffic and red lights. And frankly, I'm very very glad I did. Walking through one of the connecting hallways, I walk past yet ANOTHER totally hot stud. Tooth pick in mouth, definately a muscle stud, wearing black jeans with a belt that glimmered with metal (I have no idea what those are called) which only drawed attention to a firm ass. Two muscle boys, two moments of eye contact, two firm butts; in one day ... and its only 9:30am. I already love this day.

About the last post ....

Okay, that last post ... I don't know about you, but was FARR TOO long. I think I'll keep my posts to one fuggin topic, short and sweet. And if theres more shit happenin with me ... well, lets just say you don't have to read about EVERYTHING that happens. Wouldn't you say?

Homeless Intelligence

This weekend ... well well well, what can I say. Full of events that I never planned. Slowly but surely I'm starting to feel like Calgary could be my home. And thats mainly due in part to small random events that have been happening that are in return making my life worth talking about (aside from back a few months ago when the same shit would happen over and over again that you can answer the question "Whats new?" with a look).

Anyways, had nothing planned this past weekend. Yet, got a porblem resolved; and a apology out of it (DAMN RIGHTS, no one disrespects me like that). Seen an old bud from back home whom I haven't seen for months. He's still a crazy mutha, gotta love it. Met a guy who was totally into me (that rarely ever happens), very unfortunate that I could not return the feelings. Went to a random bar, and actually met up with people I knew. WOW! Saw "The Trews" in concert ... AWESOME. Intentionally missed Kalan Porter's concert (he may be cute, but cute just doesn't cut it for me ... if he can't tell the difference from changing car oil from transmission fluid, then SEE YA!). And old friend came into town, one whom I haven't seen for a year but have known for three. Apparently he didn't even know that its been a year. And actually had an intellectual conversation with a homeless man.

So I was walking home on friday night/saturday morning. Just came from a very depressing visit to a bar (which was actually dead). Not like I was depressed, moreso pissed off that none of my plans that day worked out. Oh well, booo-urns on that night. Anyways, I was walking home, a lil drunk (not overly, the walk was actually sobering me up). When I ended up talking to this homeless guy. I don't know how that happened, usually I look lost in thought just to avoid these guys. But there was something different about him. Maybe it was the fact that he was banging on a drum (definately not home-made nor thrown out). And given his whole attire, he seemed cultured for a homeless man. Banging on a hand drum you'd most likely find in Africa, wearing beads that were not of the norm; and I can tell that there were countless thoughts and theories roaming around in his head.

We made small chit chat as he asked for smoke. Being native myself, its rarely in my nature to say no when one asks for a cigarette (although it has happened). And apparently I said something to spark his interest in me ... maybe it was that I told him which bar I came from that he apparently knew was gay owned and operated. Or, maybe it was something else. In either case, he offered me a coffee. A HOMELESS GUY OFFERED ME A COFFEE. If that is not the oddest thing ever, I don't know is.

On the way to Timmie's (Tim Hortons), we chatted about "The Lost Boys of Sudan" (click this posts headline, the link is there), the theory that Shakespeare's works were written by a group of people as oppose to just one guy ... Burrows (which at the time I didn't know what he was talking about, but it could have been gay writer Augusten Burroughs), and theories about group membership within society (brought about by the fact that I was native and gay) and judgement with labels (because apparently I look neither native nor gay). Nevertheless, for a homeless guy, he was quite intelligent. He even mentioned that there was this philosopher who is well known for theories (I just wish I can remember what theories) but is barely known for the fact that he wrote about them while high.

Kind of sad though, how so much information and intelligence at hand and he can still make it nowhere. Apparently he does write articles and such here and there ... but, just figures he should be doing so much more.

Fuggin yadda yadda yadda

Its 5:45, or 5:41 ... whatever really. Point is that I'm supposed to be done at 5pm, on the button, on the the fucking dime. 45 minutes later, I'm still here. Funny thing is, its a fuggin law firm, and I'm the last one to leave. I'm not even a lawyer. Its not like I'm working on some important case at the moment, I just don't wanna go home. I really don't like my roommate. When he looks at me, its like he puts me down or something. Whats really funny though is that I barely see the guy. He's never home when I get home, I'm not home when he gets home. We're just two people who live in the same apartment. I don't hate the guy I must say. I just don't like how I feel when I'm around him. I think he reminds me of myself, or at least of the part of myself that I don't like.

He's quiet as hell. Doesn't say a damn word, other than "Wanna play fooz ball?" AND, he asks me to keep a consistent shower time in the morning. To that all I can say is FUCK OFF! What kind of question is that anyways? Can you keep a consistent shower time, pft. Oh, and his ball caps can lie on the floor, or sit on the couch for days on end. Mine are strategically placed on my bedroom door handle after not moving from the floor of couchs for ONE FUCKING DAY. He watches Soap opera's .... I guess theres nothing wrong with that. But he tapes them in the day, so I can't watch TV when I go home for lunch (and I take a late lunch always) because fucker still has VHS. VHS?! Who the hell still has VHS?

I'm just annoyed. Totally annoyed. I'm here at work, 5:45, and I'm only here because I don't want to go home. If I do, I have to be quiet while he watchs his SOAP's. I'm like "Dude, you taped it. Why can't I watch TV now and you can watch when your precious stories when I leave? Trust me, I am leaving because you're one boring mutherfucker."

Nah, I wouldn't say that. Thats just too mean for my taste. But God knows I feel that.

BTW, Geekslut is back. I've known about this for some time. I used to read his shit before even I started the mediocre blog of mine. I've linked him as well. I've never emailed him, but he sounds like one cool mutha.

Okay ... I'll be reading this later, and I know that when I do, this post will sound like one pissed off homo whose directing his anger to whichever way it can go. So what is one angry fag to do? Normally, if I were reading this and it was someone elses blog, I'd think "Fuck off, get over you fucking drama queen." So maybe I should take my own advice.

Whatever, what the fuck do I know anyways?

Full Moon ... Perfect Moon

Click the headline. Go ahead. Click it. The link just goes to show that god does like me for this picture is FINE! HOT HOT HOT!

And now, in reference to yesterdays rant. I just have one final comment ... yes, I'm young. Get over yourself, and get over it. ... ... ... Wanna play "Hide and Seek"?

The Judge and The Kid

Okay, once again I find myself surfing from blog to blog, reading the inner commentaries of numerous guys I've NEVER met; and will I ever met them? Right now, who knows. And as per usual I find myself admiring their life. On a logical level, and taking myself out of my own shoes, I find this to be sad. Sad on the basis that I merely wish to be them, or at least somewhat like them. I usually find myself wishing that I could do what they do (trips, b/f stories, work, etc etc), or feel what they feel. I always find myself thinking that their life is so much better than mine. And today, I've decided to find out why I think this way.

One commonality exists amongst all the bloggers I read that I wish to be; and thats simply that they are older. And I don't mean a few years years older than I (although, any true blogger would simply omit their age from their site, for in the end it really doesn't matter anyways), but from what I can tell from pictures and their comments and such, they are definately older than me, both in age and experience. I find this to be odd. For I hate it when guys call me a kid, I absolutely HATE it. Sure I am, that I cannot deny. However, the term kid or child implies some sense of immaturity or unwillingness to grow up. And once people know my age, they actually treat me differently. And let me tell you, how you treat a 30 year old is completely different than how you treat a 23 year old (I should know, I'm consistently mistaken as 30. But once they know I'm 23, its a completely different story). And they say I'm a kid?! Careful what you preach "boi's"!

Yes, I'm 23 years old. Yes, that is relatively young. But doesn't life dictate who old one is, not age? I've met many older men, most of whom proved that wisdom DOES NOT come with age. So, if many old men can be childish and kid-like, why can't a kid be considered mature and treated as such?

I say this because I've witnessed alot as a kid, been forced through alot when younger. And I don't hate life because of it. I don't feel that the world owes me anything (from time to time I do, but I know its me who must make the changes to get what I want and need). I know life is just life, it can be precious and it can be hell. But whatever the case me be, its my life; I live it. And thats why I hate being considered a kid. It implies that they (the judge) can live my life and somehow make it better. When called a child, they (thge judge) are looking down at me and making themselves, for themselves, better. When I'm called a kid, I'm disrespected and told that my life does not matter to them.

And don't get me wrong, I'm saying that my life should matter. Cause I know in reality that it doesn't, its my life and not theirs. But just knowing that it can; just knowing that they (the judge) want to know me .... well, if you want to understand and know and respect me, well then I want to understand, know and respect you. And just that fact that one wants too ... makes me respect them.

Gay fat boi gettin slimmer

When I first moved here to Calgary on May 1st, 2005 ... I weighed 240 lbs. Sure thats a lil big, I suppose .... I mean that seems rather small to me since I once weighed almost 300 lbs. (Ok ok ok, it was only 287, but lets face it, anyting over 250 should might as well be 300.)

But yeah, I weighed the good ol plump weight of 240. Well ... yesterday, for the first time since I moved here (ok, thats an obvious lie), I weighed myself while at the gym. And TAAA DAAA! 217lbs. 217 lbs FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! Wow. How the hell did that happen. I'm consuming more booze than I could afford, but at the same time walking absolutely EVERYWHERE I go. Can walking really do that for a fella? Or course, I would have walked more in the past, assuming that I had someplace to go. But being the ol country boi that I am, where is one to go? Everywhere worth going required a vehicle.

And now look at me ... in the past 2.5 months, 23 lbs gone .... and since my peak ... 70 lbs gone.

Although, I was kind of expecting this. Remember my post called "escapism"? Well, click this post's headline and it'll take you to the forementioned post. BTW, congrats to me ... YAY! ... and sure, a lil unhealthy since healthy weight loss is equalled to 2 lbs per week. Which in my case should be 18 lbs ... but oh well, I say. Cause I lost 23 lbs, YAY!!!

YEEHAW, with a Double 'Yee' and a Double 'Haw'

Gotta love the prairies in all its western glory. The Gay Rodeo here in Calgary Alberta has just past. YEE HAW! Unfortunately I was only able to attend one day, and of all things I can go in, baggy jeans and a hoodie. Totally did not look the part, but that didn't stop me from partying like it was 1999. AND, it was my first Gay Rodeo ever. Next year, I'm totally camping. Hot cowboys wearing tight wranglers under a cowboy hat in cowboy boots. mmm mmm good .... and when they go shirtless too *drool* The Gay Rodeo Association can be found be clicking this post's headline. So go ahead, click it ... I dare you ... come on, click it ... I double dare you. CLICK IT!

Anyways, on to the Double Yee and the Double Haw. Calgary Stampede is starting tomorrow, YEE HAW! More hot cowboys in tight wranglers under a sexy cowboy hat and in cowboy boots .... mmm mmm good. Too bad their str8 ... thats tragic. Now, this is my first in calgary during the stampede, and I must say, this city is going ALL OUT. Cowboy hats everywhere. All buildings getting decorated (gettin pimped out), cowboy specials as far as the eye can see. I'm so happy I moved here. Just too bad I wasn't a cowboy. I blame my mother for that one. She didn't want to see her baby getting bucked off a bare back bronc ... hmmmm, that can go two ways, lol.

N E WAYs, thats all I have to say. Later ya'll.

What u do 4 ur birthday?

A co-workers birthday had passed. And as I was eating my piece of double chocolate cake (two slices and that was all I could eat that day), a conversation took place in my head.

"Hey. What you do for you birthday?"

"Oh nothing much. Went to dinner with my mom and lil sister after driving around in a blizzard, and bought about a thousand dollars of toys at Wal-Mart for a fundraiser and a bit of other gifts for christmas, becuase you know, christmas was only 5 days away."

"Thats it?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Fun eh?"

David Sutcliffe pt 2

I really need my own computer so that I can do soo much more with this blog. Theres so much I want to do, yet so little resources.

Anyways, heres another pic of David Sutcliffe. Just Click on this posts headline, and it'll take you there.

And let me tell you ... YUMMAY !!!!

David Sutcliffe

There was this one actor that had a very distinguished look that I just couldn't get him out of my mind. I can't remember the roles he played, but he always portrayed confidence, intelligence with sexiness very very well. I kept on seeing him on Gilmore Girls where I really got my dosage of him (my sister loved that show, and so did my mom so naturally when I went home to visit for a few days I was forced to watch it too ... and shhh when I say this, it is quite good).

Anyways, thanks to 20 Sumthing ... I've discovered who he is. David Sutcliffe. Upon researching the guy, I've also finally pinpointed where else I've always seen him. There was a show called "I'm with Her" where a teacher starts dating a famous actress. Wasn't a bad show, and I don't know if it was cancelled or anything, but I can never find it now. He was one of the principal characters .... actually, considering the title, the show was about him.

And so, I've also discovered a movie called Testosterone. Now, sure I may be the last one to know this. God knows I was probably the last homo alive to discover the Scissor Sisters. But I'm sharing this anyways. Besides, I haven't posted about pop culture or anything of the sort in a long time. Plus, I'm kind of hoping the link in the headline works (psst, thats your cue to click the headline, there's a link there).

David Sutcliffe stars in this movie, and I wish I can review it ... but I've never seen it. Although, judging from the pic in the link'd headline (really you should have checked it out by now), I really really REALLY want to see it. Sutcliffe asleep in bed .... ain't that sweet?

too much info

Had to erase a post. Just felt I had too. Far too personal a subject, especially for one that I'm still trying to sort out. If you read it, good for you. If you didn't, good for you.

Relationships

simple title, didn't feel the need to go all fancy and shit.

When one thinks of relationships, what usually comes into mind are the granduer relationships; people we know who have made a difference in our lives. Mothers, fathers, siblings, loved ones, yadda yadda yadda. Usually what's overlooked are the simple ones that make life pleasant and joyful. For example ....

I was in a small city for school for four years. And because I wasn't really comfortable with myself back then I hadn't really made any friends. And I used to dwell on that like a homeless dog staring at a steak in someone elses possession. But nevertheless, relationships did arise. And it wasn't until the final summer of the last year I was there that I realised it. I was walking up to the Second Cup coffee shop near the library, and as I apprached the clerk (her name was "Kelly") she merely smiled pulled out a large coffee cup and rung it in before I even approached the counter. "And she knows," I jestered.

"It's been 3 YEARS!" she exclaimed. "Your a plain ol' predictable joe."

"Three years," I thought bewildered. "Really?"

And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that she was right. Its been three years for her, but four years for me at the college. And although I was in a college I "ended up" in (as oppose to actually choosing it), and although I was in a state of mind where I really didn't want to meet anyone anyways; it was the small, random, forces of nature relationships that helped me get through my day. Which in return helped me get through the years (until I was "asked" not to return for a year, which I'm still happy about). The brief encounters that are simply overlooked; the smiles on strangers faces, and the pleasant hello's from the professors down to the janitors did make a difference. It all meant something, even if just a fraction so small.

Baby ... Spit ... and God .... hmmmmmmm

so it was my 'cool' roommates last day in the apartment. She was moving into a friends place, and since at my place she was living in a pantry (literally), who could blame her. I'd be out of there in a heartbeat. But I appreciate the gurl. It was her choice, and if she hadn't have done that I wouldn't have had a place to stay here in Calgary.

N E Who ... we were waiting for her friends to show up when we decided to cross the street and pick up some booze. Now she's a beer drinker too, (god bless) and picked some up for her, and her buds who were helping her move. I picked up my case, good ol' Canadian. (pst, if Molson is reading this, I would like my endorsement $$$ for that lil product placement comment). We went back, and cracked open our first beer. Her friends were showing up in a couple minutes anyways.

2nd Beer. Still waiting.

3rd Beer. Still waiting.

4th Beer. Yep.

5th Beer. We shootgun one for ol times sake (even though I only hung with her for a month, she's still awesome to be with).

6th Beer. And Smoke time.

By then, being half gone, we're smoking and joking on the balconey. And suddenly she spits over the patio. And 22 Floors up, u never know where anything that drops is going to land. I peer over to see where its going, and so does she. I watched as the spit plummets below and zigs and zags, left and right; just as a mother with her baby in a stroller are walking by.

NOOOOOOOOOOO! My roommate screams. I DON'T CARE IF ITS ANYONE ELSE, JUST NOT THE BABY.

She couldn't watch. She covered her eyes.

YOU KNOW, I say calmly, IF IT DID HIT THE BABY, I'D BE ALL LIKE ... "NO NO NO, IT WASN'T ME, IT CAME FROM ABOVE ... IT ... IT WAS GOD. GOD SPIT ON YOUR BABY."

It was just the laugh she needed after waiting hours for her friends to arrive.

Gay / Str8 Relationships

I was reading a column over at Out.com about gay / str8 relationships. And I must say that I just don't get it. Perhaps I'm lucky and fortunate not to have bestowed upon me the not knowing if str8 mates will abandon me upon their learning that I'm gay. I've always accepted them for who they were, and always accepted that sometimes friends just won't understand. Not because they don't want to understand, but because in thier life, they can't. I've always believed that people just need time. Plus, as younglings (I'm only 23 so obviously I'm referring to an even younger age) we were always there to support one another. (Yes, we needed help and support even at the times of being a pre-teen). But truth be told, we've already been through so much together as friends that I did not fear them. But of course, I still didn't know for sure which is probably why I hadn't come out until just recently.

But nevertheless, the article is in reference to gay / str8 relationships that have lasted a life time. And perhaps thats the one thing I don't get. (I did just mention that I'm 23 yrs) The article can be found here ... (http://www2.out.com/detail.asp?id=12310&t=senior_moment)

[I apologise if the link did not work, this 'mac' *rolls eyes* is way out of whack] UPDATE!!! Click the "Gay / Str8 Relationships" header, it will take you to the forementioned article.

For the most part, I gather, the author is implying he continued to live his is life from a young age in conformity. He attempted to live by society's implied rules of what it meant to be gay. Remind you, back in those days, being gay wasn't fashionable and definately not blunty portrayed in the popular media. And therefore, became defensive when others (like his best friend who was str8) displayed any sense of discomfort towards any element of homosexuality. But time went on, they lived their lives and both had come to the realisation that living for others is down right ridiculous. And that now, both can laugh at each others reactions towards either's sexuality and how it effects their behaviour ..... and they lived happily ever after.

I guess what I don't understand is the living for others aspect of the article. And surely, I should because I have done it. But, I don't get it anymore. ... perhaps I need more time to reflect ... and to read it again ......


In the words of Arnold, "I'll be back."

Linkage Update.

The joys of surfing the internet website-to-website, in my case blog-to-blog, is that you can totally get mixed up in what your looking at. Sometimes you'll remember a name, sometimes you won't. Other times, apparently, you'll make up a name for the sire your on (wait, is that just me?). Either way, today when I was revelling in the fact that I'm now linked on two sites, I had gone to said sites just to make my day. But only to discover that BLUESESSIONS.blogspot.com had NOT linked on their site. I was wrong. I remembered the wrong name to the site that did. In fact is was JOEYDESTINO (joeydestino.blogpsot.com) that has me linked.

........ you know what I say, "Oh well, at least I'm linked somewhere."

"Ur Mom doesn't want you here either ..."

That has got to be the funniest thing I've ever heard come out of a friends mouth. I know, it sounded like it was going to be one of my ever incessant ramblings of "how - unfortunate - life - can - be - but - u - just - gotta - be - strong" posts. But it isn't ... well, not at the moment anyways. We'll see how my frame of mind works today as I type this out.

N E WAYS ... I called up a friend of mine back home (gotta love toll free numbers) and told her that I wasn't go back to school in the fall. And she had asked ...

"What u gonna do?"

"I don't know, probably stay here in Calgary or move to Edmonton. But I'm not moving back home. I can't move back ... "

"Yeah, your mom doesn't want you here either."

LMAO. I laugh because my mom is right. I actually DO do better for myself when I'm away from my home town. It was just hilarious, that line can be spoken so candidly and bluntly .... u know you have a good friend.

On another note ... .I just found out I was linked. YAY!!! EGO BOOST. Humility rising. For its on one of my favorites site out there. One of of the new trends today is called a MOBLOG ... can you guess what that means? Heres a hint. Blog is short for weblog ... and Mo in this case stands for mobile. How suiting it is that gays are called mo's as well, lol. Back to the point, if you haven't figured it out by now ... *SLAP*. Its an online photo album. A bunch of mos go around taking pics of this and that, and post them on their online album. And well ... SOMEGUYSBUTT.TEXTAMERICA.com (someguysbutt.textamerica.com) has linked me on their site. WOW! First off, they have an awesome site. Simple concept executed with such ease. AND I'M LINKED. I'm soo happy. Reminds me of the first time I climbed the rope in gym class.

AND, as I was surfing the other sites they had linked ... I found another site where I was linked. WOO HOO! Who knew?! BLUESESSIONS.BLOGSPOT.com (bluesessions.blogspot.com), as I've just discovered today, has some nice pictures of some really HOT guys. I'm still coming to know this site, so I'll let you know when I've come to a thorough judgement. Thus far, it's hot.

THANK YOU BOTH OF YOU for making my day. AND for letting me know that people DO read my blog. KUDO's. I just wish I had money so I can do with my blog what they do with theirs. Thanks for reminding us how the sheer joys of the internet.

PS. YAY, no depressing shit, lol.

September 1996, 589 (693 - 100)

More files, more papers, more heavy lifting. The sheer joys of summer jobs and its relentless facade of getting "experience". I'm making labels for numerour boxes containing countless files. The legal industry, number one killer of forests.

the office had just renovated before I started, and guess whose doing all the heavy lifting. Never seems to fail, always the heavy lifting with every summer job I'm employed in. But I don't complain, aloud.

September, 1996, 589 (693 - 1000)

The box this file is in is number 23. Definately feels like a lot more. Could have sworn a swarm of files just blew by. But, its only number 23.

Phone rings. "Good Afternoon, Uptown Lawyers ... "

"Hey, its mom."

"Hi mom." My face brightens.

"I found that letter."

"Good, you gonna fax it over?"

"Bad news."

I was hoping against hope that this wouldn't be the letter I was dreading for the past two years.

"The college is asking you to withdraw for a year."

Silence.

"What happened?" my mom asks surprised. I had never told her anything about my life. That's probably one of the reasons why she thinks I'm so well off. So much in my head I just never told her. It wasn't until recently I've told her the one thing that's connected to my goal to find happiness.

And why is it, that every time I'm in a situation where I need to talk to her, we're on the phone or communicating through email. Funny how serious conversations never happen in person.

"It was a bunch of stuff mom, in my head."

"Oh, these past few months?" she assumes.

"They've been there for two years."

More silence. Maybe she's now understanding how much of a toll its taken being in the closet for so long.

"Some classes I did awesome in," I continue out of a need to end the silence. "Others I just had no energy to do."

"Or even to care," I think.

It starts to sink in. I'm not going to school in september like I had planned. Sheer joy wants to burst out like the rising sun behind a horizon. I was never really in school for me anyways. But fright sets in as I realise that I don't have solid education to back me up in my new job search. Anger and hatred are creeping cause I have no one to blame but myself. I did this, I did this to me.

October 1996, 589 (0001 - 0530)

More files need to get done.