Gotta love ... paintings

mmm ... gotta love art. Gotta love the colours used and how they are used. Gotta love the guess work involved when trying to understand or comprehend what the artist is trying to do or say. Gotta love the experience one piece of work gives the viewer/reader/listener.

On that note, Ross Watson ... wow. Just discovered him today, just now ... a few moments ago, and the bright, bold colours he uses still lingers in my noggin. Easily to come back too .. like an echoe in the Grand Canyon, just keeps coming back. Ross Watson.com ... check it out. (click the headline, will take you to his site)

awww .. Bear Love

--click the headline--



Someday, I'll find me a man.

To be, or not to be ... entertaining

Okay ... hangovers suck. Hangovers at work suck. Hangovers at work MID WEEK ... SUCK! But it was oh so fun last night.

N E WAYS ... thanks to "From 34,000 Feet" and his blog report cards (I'm sorry, are we back in grade school? oh wait, we're gay ... our attitudes never left grade school), I've actually gone and reminised with my blog. I've clicked on this archive and that archive and I've come to realise (yes, yet again another revelation *rolls eyes*) that this blog ever since May, has been my source of ... relief so to speak. I've used this blog to vent, rant, and just be ... well, me. Is this a good thing? FUCK NO! Is it a bad thing? FUCK NO. Its just a thing. Being small town and closeted (and NOT living in the city), there was really no environment to guide and nurture me. (am I sounding like Dr. Phil?) So, in an attempt to help me not be so depressed, I started this blog .. .all the while having no camera, no computer knowledge ... yadda yadda yadda ... this blog turned out to be a journal of sorts. A doorway into either my past or my mind (I had alot of venting to do and alot of shit to deal with that frankly I just had to get over somehow). The blog has helped me, I guess ... I don't know.

MOVING ON ... I'm just curious as to how "From 34,000 Feet" will grade me. BRING IT ON I say ... Ya can't fix what you don't acknowledge ... and well, he'll help me acknowledge this ol mediocre blog of mine ...

And .. when will I find my guy who'll hug me like this?




Sadly I missed the game. But does one really need to watch in order to get this pic? I mean, really?

This Tuesday = A Monday

And the outcome of Thanksgiving, like any other holiday for that matter, is that it has come and gone. Fully and anticipated and fully wanted it to last longer. The things we take for granted *sigh. Oh well, what can one do but dwell in the pleasant memories of spending time with loved ones. In my case, its wrestling with sister, eating breakfast with my mom, calling my dad, doing house work for my mom, watching movies and for the most part of it, complaining that I"m bored. Suck is life in small towns when one lives in the city now. But it was still great. Got to see my best friend and my God son (crazy lil guy) and my lil niece who attempted to boss around my god son to no avail (I said he was a crazy lil kid). And was asked by my uncle where I lost my weight (and he meant specifically, he assumed I lost it on the bus or something since so much of it was gone ... yeah, I didn't get it right away either). But I love family get togethers.

Okay, to my point ... this past weekend I FINALLY got to watch some movies. So many have come and gone that I have no idea what it was I wanted to watch. Needless to say, when I walked into the video store, I felt like a kid in a candy store ... so many movies yet so lil time and even less money ... but, still managed to get some good ones.

Sin City, looked cool ... but grew tiresome.
Cursed, I love Wes Craven, I love Kevin Williamson so needless to say, I loved this. Christina Rici looked great when she was discovering her hightened sense of smell, lol.

Lords of Dogtown, WOW! I totally didn't expect this movie to be that good. I really didn't. Heath Ledger pulled of the character of Skip PERFECTLY. And I love the ending of it too. Mainly because of the music used. ThoughtNot, an avid guitarist knows his shyte when it comes to music. Especially melancholy beats that enhance mellow moods.




Now I know this movie has been out for quite some time, but ... I never said I was punctual. WATCH IT! (if you haven't already ...)

Eeeny, Meeny,, Miny, Moe

well .. was gonna post more pics of ruff guff delicious men ... but I'm lazy today. Long week at work ... very long, and very glad that the long weekend is here. (Here in Canada, its Thanksgiving this weekend). So for those celebrating, have a good one. See you all on tuesday.

Long Weekend = WOO HOO!

I'm Broke = BOOOOOO!

I Love Sports

Thanks to ESPN.com for posting such great shots.





And thanks to Outsports.com for these nice shots as well ...





aww ... I really really do love sports.

Gay Sports

I love sports, I absolutely love sports. The men, the sweat, the panting ... oh yeah. But lately there's something I realised. (yes, another revelation, surprise surprise) I love PLAYING sports. Watching them on TV is a completely different story. I can't do it. I just can't sit on the couch and watch a hockey game or football. Some tid bits here and there maybe, but the ENTIRETY of the game/match ... nope, sorry ... just can't do it. The only time I can EVER do that, is when I'm actually at the game itself; when I'm sitting in the arena seats drinking cheap beer and can hear clearly the shouting of everyone around me. When I'm actually in the stadium/dome partaking in the experience is the only time I can sit down and watch a game as oppose to playing. Other than that, I need to feel the uniform on my body. I need the feeling of exhaustion thats hightened when sweat rolls down your forehead and drips from your eye brows and chin. I need the heavy beathing thats gratifying after competing and completing a set task. I need teammates by my side who give you a hard time when you missed an easy shot. I need the hockey skates/baseball kleats/football kleats on my feet. I need the hockey stick in hand, the foot ball in hand, the volleyball in hand, or the baseball bat in hand. I need the whole gear of whatever sport it is I'm playing, which is why I just can't sit there in the living room watching a sport I'd rather be playing. I love sports.



PS: Pics credits to gorillabeach.com (again), Philadelphia flyers Inquiry, and the link on the headline to a recent article posted over at Outsports.com ... and let me tell you, the guy that portrays Mike ... WOOF!!!

Opps

So, my intention with my Shout Outs was to give recognition to fellow bloggers and show them the appreciation I have for their links to my lil corner of this vast blogosphere. Anyways, I kinda forgot to link them as well, opps. But nevertheless, it wasn't out of disrespect, I'm just flakey that way. But, at least I can fix that which I do. They're linked now. And thanks you Trunk Guy and Gay Lab for linking me as well ... My ego is definately getting a boost now. Yay!

I Need A Tattoo

There isn't a new revelation for me. In fact, its something I've been thinking about for a LOONG time. I've always wanted a tattoo ... and the minute every one was getting one, it always seemed to be tribal arm bands. Which I wanted at one point, but I always wanted to be different. I never wanted what everyone else had access too. I had to be unique, and individual. And because of that, I never did get a tattoo. But I still want one. I just need to design one first. Any ideas anyone?

Ruff Guff Goodness

So, as mentioned once before, I never really knew what my type of guy was simply because at the time I ws thinking about it, I was dating anyone nor ever even considered that I may one day. But there were two words at the time that just seemed to suit what I was looking for (or at that time admired), in a guy ... RUFF GUFF. Theres just something about those words that suit my kind of man. And now that I just discovered that I don't date (still don't have an explanation on that one), I've simply decided to find some pics that may help me in discovering who my future husband will be. I wanted to look around the net and find out exactly what Ruff Guff means ... I mean, sure ... I thought of it and therefore should have really known first hand. But, sometimes its just better to see first hand what you envisioned in your head. And well, all pics have been narrowed down over and over again until one common theme arose, "TEEN BEAR". And frankly, that should have been obvious. These pics have been "borrowed" from GenEx over at http://genex.typepad.com/genex/ .... thank you for a fabulous idea that SHOULD make it into reality. So, any investors out there?






Mmmmmm ... ruff guff deliciousness ....

What The Hell Was THAT Last Night?

I hate having no TV or Stereo. I really do hate it ... I need SOME form of entertainment while I'm home. Something, ANYTHING! I've already counted the tiles on the floor ... and since I forgot, I'll do that again today. Anyways, point in being is that when I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO, I end up thinking (and trust me, thats not always a good thing) ... and right after dinner yesterday I figured I'd take a nap to save me from any all comsuming thoughts that may arise. Besides, I literally only had 6 bucks to my name (I cashed in the change tin can yesterday) and so I wasn't gonna go to the bar too early. So after rollerblading about, cooking and eating dinner ... I had an hour to spare and nothing to do. I took a nap.

Well, those damn thoughts seemed to seep into my dreams or at least caused me to think aloud. I don't know where it came from, but being half asleep and listening to the radio on my cheap alarm clock, I suddenly heard myself say aloud "I'm ready for love." Well, being half asleep and knowing no one around heard me anyways, I left it at that. Maybe it was just a dream.

Well ... like I said, I don't know what the hell that was ... but I continued my evening. I ventured to the bar with a whole 6 dollars, feeling a lil down since I know I'm going to be broke for the next two weeks and most likely alone in a 2 bedroom apartment. Well, the usual ensued. I"d sit at the bar, talk with the bar tender every moment he had free ... converse with some of the regulars and yadda yadda yadda. And beleive it or not, that whole 6 dollars bought me 2 whole beers.

N E WAYS, to the point .... for some odd reason, I actually had some "admirers" last night. And I don't mean just one ... there were a few. Let me see, Mike, Garry, Johnnie, (guys I know, great guys too) Broken Record (he only had 2 pick up lines), and "Mr. I gave you 75 cents so you better give it up". Well ... this is a first. And rather odd since at one point we were all sitting at one table. Does this have anything to do with the fact that "apparently" I'm ready for love? Or just one big coincidence? Perhaps, I'm finally being perceptive to the fact? Perhaps. But whats cool with admirers is that they will buy you beers and shots. So, with my 6 bucks I ended up drinking 3 shots, and 6 beers. And I just went there to get out of my damn apartment. Ain't it cool?

(BTW theres some tunage in the headline ... enjoy) ... some pics up later

Can You Imagine The Controversy

Can you imagine the controversy with this pic. The uproar, the audacity. The down right slap in the face. How could they ... I mean really ... how could it be possible. As if. Thats all I can think ... as if a Red Sox fan would kiss a Yankee fan.

(pic "borrowed" from 20 Sumthing, linked over on the right ... )

Lovers In The Back Seat

A song I'm totally digging right now is by the Scissor Sisters entitled "Lover's in the Back Seat". I don't know why I like it, I just do. It could be due to the fact that at this current moment in my life, my apartment is completely empty. And I ain't over-emphasizing here ... it actually is completely bare. So, the only form of entertainment I have is either masturbating .. or listening to music on my alarm clock (which gladly plays CD's as well). Either way, to get the song, click this posts headline. And it will be there.

Things I'm totally missing on TV:
America's Next Top Model
Invasion
Supernatural
ER
The Amazing Race
The Apprentice
The Apprentice, Martha Stewart
Ghost Whisperer
Medium
Friends reruns

But alas, having no tv and a cheap sounding stereo (I mean come on, ita an alarm clock for crying out loud) ... I do have time to think of somethings. Such as ...

How do they get the caramilk inside a caramilk bar?
If gravity pulls us into the center of the Earth, and the Earth is round, which way is up?
Do I have photography potential?
Why am I single?
Should I go to Film School?
Should I go home this weekend?
I need a beer.
Oh god its Fall .. great colours, but damn its cold.
Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow ....

And finally .. something that isn't so sore on the eyes ... as soon as I find it, lol. I'll be back later. For now, enjoy the tunage.

UPDATES

Awhile back I posted a rant about my distaste for my roommate. Now, I must say it wasn't like I hated the guy, we just didn't mesh well. He felt it was his apartment and just forgot I too was human and was also living there. So, the chemistry just wasn't right. But nevertheless .. the bast is GONE! WOO HOO. I know have my own apartment that is empty ('cept for the furniture in my bedroom)) and that I can barely afford, and for some odd reason I'm having troubles finding a roommate here in the city (weird?!). The rant can be found by clicking the "Updates" headline.

And now to my weightloss ... last time I checked I was 210 lbs. I can't remember what is was last time I posted, I think it was 217 or 215 or something like that. Either way, its going away. YAY! And frankly wow ... I took a look at some old pics of me ... and god damn was I huge. You could definately see it in the face back then (reference to the numerous chins I had at the time). Kind of weird though, cause I also remember back then that if I was just skinnier I'd get more play than what I was actually getting at the time (which really was nothing). And here I am, 76 lbs later ... and nadda, zip, zilch, mugginess (cree slang). Hmmm ... interesting. N E WAYS ... moving on ...

Fuck law school, I'm going into film school (or at least new media studies). Thanks to a new friend I've made, my passion for visual frameworks (both still and moving) has been rekindled. I've realised that for the past 4 years I was attempting something that I didn't really want to do. I did it (at least attempted) to be practical. I did it cause it was the safe route. But now I'm saying screw practical, cause if I don't do this now ... I will forever wonder "what if?". And no, I ain't having that.

And here are some shout outs to those who have me linked. I'd like to say HOLLA to the following ...


From 34,000 Feet


JoeyDestino


Fresh and Tasty


FloridaBoy1974


Life or Something Like It

And lastly, but surely not least ...

Bill In Exhile (who unfortunately has no pic on his blog that I can steal *ahem*, I mean borrow.)

To all of yeh mentioned ... HOLLA! Keep up the great blogs (although one of them I presume hasn't posted in a while, *ahem*) and thank you for boosting my ego and linking me at your sites. Truly appreciated. PEACE!

Karaoke Queen

Okay ... I had a whole post about this ... and somehow erased it. What sucks about that is I'm frustrated and therefore can't get back into the mood I was in when I was originally posting it. But either way .. .I'll try.

So apparently I'm a karoake queen. Like, OMG! I'm a karaoke queen. I find this amusing because I can remember quite vividly a few months ago I wouldn't DARE pick up a mic and belt out in front of a lot of people. It just wouldn't happen ... and now, its literally expected. All I can say is "who knew?!"

This past weekend, I took time off from the city and went to visit a friends place out in the countryside. It was peaceful and quite relaxing, so relaxing in fact that the host, slept most of saturday leaving me to amuse myself. (get your mind out of the gutter ...) Okay, now that your back ... I'll get back to the story. We came back to the city late saturday, and he dropped me off at my favorite watering hole (hehe, I said "hole"). Now, karaoke is always on saturday. And always ends at 12 Midnight, no questions asked. I arrived at 11:45. I walk in the bar, look around to see who I know, and make my way towards the bar. Now this is a tight bar, so naturally taking a look around consists of standing at the door and looking lost. And also consumes the entire time of a brief moment. So I walk the whole one yard from the front door to the bar, and the minute I get there, the bar tender is already holding my beer in air and waiting for confirmation. I nod in reply to say "yes, I want that beer." He places it before me, and next I know, I'm being called up to sing.

I mean I was only there for two minutes. TWO MINUTES. I totally did not expect to sing because

1) It was almost over anyways
2) there was already a rotation in place
2) and I really didn't want to cause for some reason I was exhausted
So I expected not to. Yeah, I was wrong.

So yeah, point in case ... I'm a karaoke bitch. Apparently a regular at that bar ... which is cool, cause their all cool people there; the gay version of Cheers. Which I'm certain every bar has that.

So, on the musical note ... here are two songs I LOVE and just can't get enough of. One is from Thoughtnot ...
thanks for your great taste in music. And another .. well ... from me. One is the address below ... the other can been found if you click the header of this post.

http://homepage.mac.com/okamm/.Public/wishyouwerehere.mp3

And what the hell ... some eye candy as well.




(pics once again from Gorilla Beach ... I love the models on that site.)

A cure needed

And loneliness shows its pesky head, yet again. Frankly, am I surprised ... nope. But this couldn't come at a worse time. Doesn't it just suck when your own inner turmoils start to rise at times when other worldly inconveniences are stressing you out? (*ahem* .. that would be a yes) Frankly though, am I surprised? No ... not really. You know what they say, when it rains it pours (whoa .. bad analogy with whats going on with the world). And for me, it hasn't rained in a while.

So I went to the bar last night ... again. (I really need a new thing to do) And it just sucks knowing you went there alone, and you leave alone, and you don't even get any interest at all. But at the same time, can I really complain? I mean, there was no one there that interested me at all. Same ol bar regulars, same ol twinks shaking it like they got something to shake (and if their attitude is any indication at all, trust me, they have nothing), same ol same ol. I think it sad that I think this only after living here for 5 months. Meh ... I'll figure this out. I'll fix it somehow ... its the financial manner that really has me stressing though. I need money, otherwise I'm homeless, literally. And since I just moved here ... and I don't really know anyone on that level ... who can I turn too? Really? 8 Days ... 8 more days and we'll know.

But on another note. GORILLA BEACH! Definately not a new find ... but also enjoyable to look at. Mmmm .. ruff guff delicious'ness.






Apparently you can email him too ... just go to GorillaBeach.com ... more manly eye candy there.

I Don't Date

I've just come up with the realisation that I don't date. Throughout my life, I've only been one two dates, both with the same guy. I wonder what this means? It's definately not because of not having any prospects. Apparently there are quite a few guys interested in me, or so I've heard (I've also come to the realisation that I'm aloof when it comes to guys showing interest. I'm totally oblivious to it). But, I realised that I don't date.

Maybe its just a definition thing. Dating implies to me a judgement call ... and I try to steer from judgements. I just don't like telling people they just don't do it for me. But then again, if they don't do it for me, then why am I on a date with them in the first place? Hmmm ... I need to find the root of this.

So what is dating? For me, its spending time with someone to see if you really like each other. And if you already hooked up, then it would be finding out if you can actually spend time with each other and making sure that sex isn't the only thing you have to offer. So ... why don't I date? Well ... I have no money nor food (to cook at home) to offer. I was going to go to law school ... but I just recently changed my mind. Maybe thats it ... maybe I just want to establish myself. I've decided on film school instead and going into new media, but until I actually do that I will still be a wanderer. And I personally like men who are well grounded and know what they like and what they do and overall, who they are. I just don't want to find a guy to 'complete me'. I should feel complete before the relationship starts. I'm looking for someone I can share my life with. I just need a life ... ouch, that sounded harsh. But its true.

What would happen if I found someone at this point in my life? I would become friends with his friends, go where he goes, follow what he does. And if it didn't work out, what would I be left with? NADA! Now don't get me wrong, I'm not clingy, at least I don't think so (honestly, I don't really have a basis for comparison). So if I did find someone, I'll still know that I have somethings to work out on my own. So, it wouldn't really be that bad if I did date. So why don't I date?

Maybe I just haven't found the right person yet. I've met some cool guys here and there, but the ones I've really been attracted too, couldn't get over the fact that I act older than I really am. I'm still a pup, apparently. And some just run, completely turn the other way. And they say I'm young? At least I was going to give them a chance. But ... in the end I'm not wasting time on someone who'se ... well, a waste of time. So ... I guess it all works out for me.

Pics up and Posted

Well .. my pics are finally up and posted. So of me which is making me very uncomfortable, and I don't know why (pft, whatever .. I know exactly why, just don't want to get into it). Nevertheless ... I was going to post the pics on this site ... but using flickr just seemed to be the more sensible route to go. Enjoy ....

Best Friends

(pics taken from Steve Walkers site ... great pictures for sure ... gay icon for the arts)

And so one thing I've noticed is that as of late, I haven't been as frequent as usual with my postings. I used to be a twice a day blogger when I started, but now I'm more of a twice a week kind. What does this mean? Did anyone notice? Is it a good thing? Is my blog entertainging or at the very least, interesting?

For the most part, am I just running out of shit to say ... ? nah ... I'm just busy. With trying to get myself established and finding the right path for my life (btw ... I've decided I'm saying NO to law school, and YES to film school ... thank you to a new friend who has helped me realise my true passions), and also having limited internet access (yes, I still don't have a pc of my own), I just don't have the time or resources to do what I want with this blog.

Anyways ... onto other things. There are days where my mind seems to be focused on certain themes. As a thinker and observer ... I'm used to it. Although it gets kind of depressing at time (I usually go over serious shit and whatever I feel is missing in my life at the time ... so yeah, I really need to stop doing that), this past weekend it hasn't ended up like that at all. I was speaking with an avid karaoke'er the other night and we got into discussing his partner of 10 years who was just recovering from surgery. And I was in awe in how he spoke of him. Just the brief mention of his partner light up his eyes and brought about a smile that was priceless. He missed the fact that his partner wasn't there to sit with him throughout the night and even mentioned he feels lost at night when we awakes to find himself alone in his bed. And all the while he spoke, I sat there and listened and laughed (cause there were a few hilarious stories about camping) and prayed and hoped that someday I too will find my best friend. And thats what I noticed, of all the couples I spoke too and met, I observed their behaviour with each other and noticed they were best friends. All the couples I met this past weekend actually didn't leave me depressed. I didn't look at them and realise that I don't have that (it was a thought, but only a fraction of a second) and maybe its because I didn't feel left out. In fact, I looked at them and was only filled with hope instead of despair. It was heartwarming.

Maybe I am changing. Maybe I am becoming a better person. Maybe I am happy for once.

And he walks by ...

I was walking down the street after yet another mediocre night at the bar. Now don't get me wrong, I love going and meeting new people and conversing with the regulars. But the routine of it all is becoming mundane. I don't get repetition, therefore I don't like repetition. And as I was walking down the city streets, I was beginning to think of change. I needed change. I needed something different to do with my time. I needed aother forms of excitement.

This thought began to linger and and I started to analyze it even more and more; trying to figure out why I was dwelling on it and why it was significant for me to think about it consistently at that moment. And it hit me ... it was becoming repetitious because I was never going with anyone, nor leaving with anyone. I can have good coversations and such ... but never was I there to meet up with anyone, I was just kind of there. I was a fly on the wall so to speak.

And depression lingered.

I continued walking along the lonely street that would eventually lead to my apartment. Not one vehicle in sight nor can one be heard. It was just me and the city. And so I continued on ... not really wanting to go home but knowing I'll end up there anyways. I sucked it in, and ventured home.

Dwelling on my current state, I was disturbed by an odd sound; a squeaky sound. It caught my attention because it too was repetitious for it followed my every footstep. Step, squeak. Step, squeak. Stop, nothing. Step, squeak. And it had occured to me that I was hearing this squeaky sound the moment I hit the street, the moment I was walking in silence. I looked down at my runners, the source of the squeak. I peered for a moment at the faded black velvet with is reflective decor that no longer shown. As worn as they were, I continued to wear them. And I continued walking. Step, squeak, thought. Step, squeak, thought. Step, squeak.

And a familiar but more distant sound was faintly heard. Another squeak from another shoe. I lifted my heard in search of its source; and in the distance, a homeless man staggered. His squeak was getting louder and louder as he staggered closer and closer. I can hear clearly my shoes squeak rythmically with his. Closer and closer, louder and louder ... then fainter and fainter. He had passed.

And as I had watched him pass me, I thought where is a homeless man walking to with such determination at 2:45 in the morning? Where does he have to go? And it hit me, like a big yellow school bus ... he's homeless, and I'm not. I turned around to watch him leave, and I can clearly see under the dimly lit street lamps the dirt on his denim jacket. The holes in his jeans. His tattered and crooked hat. His scruffy unkempt grey hair. All his features, all of him, disappear and reappear with each street light he staggered under. Repetitiously he faded in and out of darkness.

I'm a fool.

That night, as I got home, I stood in contempt on the balconey of my top floor apartment and smoked a cigarette in thanks. Thanks for the repetition, thanks for the changes. Thanks for my life.