I know, its been a long while since I typed anything. The fact that this has become a even more common occurence is a fact I cannot ignore.
Honestly, I just have many thoughts I need to sort through and little time to do it.
But, in the interesting of continuing to post that which interests me (and not simply focusing on venting that which plagues my mind), here is a clip of one of most favorite songs of all time, Lonely Day. It is a piano cover of said song.
This here is the actual music video of System of A Down, the band whom the song belongs too.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Monday, September 03, 2007
Father
And so, here is a dream I had attempted in telling someone, someone I thought I might be able to talk too ... instead, halfway through it I got the brushoff.
But anyways, just so that I can share it .. and perhaps get some insight ...
in my dream, I'm standing by myself and just "being" so to speak. Nothing significant was happening nor could I see anything beyond me anyways. It was just me, standing there. And suddenly I'm approach by a young boy. He stood up to my waist and therefor could have only been 5-8 years old (I'm really bad at guessing age, but he was only a child). And he started asking questions about his father. Now, I cannot recall any direct question or phrasing he used .. but it steered along the lines of "why doesn't my father spend time with me", or "why does he spend more time with his other family" and other kinds of questions like that. But one question he never asked, but I knew he felt, was "why doesn't my father love/like me (why aren't I as important as them, to paraphrase)?".
And I stood there, staring down at him. I had wanted to answer all of his questions, to make him feel loved and all in all just feel better about himself. But he was asking about someone that I really didn't know or understand, and therefore all I could do was remain silent. With my arm, I nudged him closer and hugged him.
Suddenly it dawned on me, I recognised his brown hair and broad sholders. And as he stared up at me with lost eyes, I stared down on my nephew. It was my brother he was talking about? My brother was his father.
"I don't know," was all I could reply. And so we sat on sofa, and I hugged him as much as I could as he curled up and leaned in towards me. "But I love you," I whispered.
And as I said it, I could still feel his pain and still empathise with him that he deserved more; even though I knew it was all I could give.
And as the dream gave way and I slowly started to wake up, I remember thinking that if the dream stayed longer, then I would have been his father. He would become my son and I would care for him so that he may never feel lost again.
**** ***** **** *****
As I worked throughout the day, the dream lingered in the back of my mind. Was it a message? Had my nephew reached out to me asking for answers that I didn't have? I missed him when he visited my mom, his grandmother, for the summer. Was he reaching out?
Or was it my head telling me something about myself? My brother and I look alike, almost like identical twins (or so friends back home tell us) and therefore it isn't out of the question that my nephew also looks like me when I was younger. Did I speak with myself, asking questions that lingered for so many years that I still have no answer for? Did I just tell my inner child that I love myself?
Or was it just a dream? And I'm putting on it so much value and worth than needs to be?
Whatever the case, it was my dream ... and it hit me deeply. I felt it wholeheartedly that even when I awoke I felt a great amount of disgust towards my brother for making my nephew feel this way.
This is a dream I need to figure out.
(PS: just to mention, my brother has 5 kids, two from a previous girlfriend and who now live miles and miles away, and three with a current girlfriend (engaged)whom he is still with. My nephew I dreamed about is actually 7 years old. And also to mention: my parents have split up when I was 12 yrs old, and even though my father lived 5 minutes away, I've only ever seen him or talked to him 5 times a year.)
But anyways, just so that I can share it .. and perhaps get some insight ...
in my dream, I'm standing by myself and just "being" so to speak. Nothing significant was happening nor could I see anything beyond me anyways. It was just me, standing there. And suddenly I'm approach by a young boy. He stood up to my waist and therefor could have only been 5-8 years old (I'm really bad at guessing age, but he was only a child). And he started asking questions about his father. Now, I cannot recall any direct question or phrasing he used .. but it steered along the lines of "why doesn't my father spend time with me", or "why does he spend more time with his other family" and other kinds of questions like that. But one question he never asked, but I knew he felt, was "why doesn't my father love/like me (why aren't I as important as them, to paraphrase)?".
And I stood there, staring down at him. I had wanted to answer all of his questions, to make him feel loved and all in all just feel better about himself. But he was asking about someone that I really didn't know or understand, and therefore all I could do was remain silent. With my arm, I nudged him closer and hugged him.
Suddenly it dawned on me, I recognised his brown hair and broad sholders. And as he stared up at me with lost eyes, I stared down on my nephew. It was my brother he was talking about? My brother was his father.
"I don't know," was all I could reply. And so we sat on sofa, and I hugged him as much as I could as he curled up and leaned in towards me. "But I love you," I whispered.
And as I said it, I could still feel his pain and still empathise with him that he deserved more; even though I knew it was all I could give.
And as the dream gave way and I slowly started to wake up, I remember thinking that if the dream stayed longer, then I would have been his father. He would become my son and I would care for him so that he may never feel lost again.
**** ***** **** *****
As I worked throughout the day, the dream lingered in the back of my mind. Was it a message? Had my nephew reached out to me asking for answers that I didn't have? I missed him when he visited my mom, his grandmother, for the summer. Was he reaching out?
Or was it my head telling me something about myself? My brother and I look alike, almost like identical twins (or so friends back home tell us) and therefore it isn't out of the question that my nephew also looks like me when I was younger. Did I speak with myself, asking questions that lingered for so many years that I still have no answer for? Did I just tell my inner child that I love myself?
Or was it just a dream? And I'm putting on it so much value and worth than needs to be?
Whatever the case, it was my dream ... and it hit me deeply. I felt it wholeheartedly that even when I awoke I felt a great amount of disgust towards my brother for making my nephew feel this way.
This is a dream I need to figure out.
(PS: just to mention, my brother has 5 kids, two from a previous girlfriend and who now live miles and miles away, and three with a current girlfriend (engaged)whom he is still with. My nephew I dreamed about is actually 7 years old. And also to mention: my parents have split up when I was 12 yrs old, and even though my father lived 5 minutes away, I've only ever seen him or talked to him 5 times a year.)
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