Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Guillotine

And the blade of a guillotine allows itself to be known one more time. The second time in less than a week. Forced in situations that are beyond their control, innocence is bound and forced upon the platform as the countdown to the Reaper's arrival ticks away. Tick. Tick. Tick.

... And the sun sets ... The book closes ... The story ends for innocence.

He is here.

Monday, May 30, 2005

More links ...

Soo, as some of you may have noticed, there are some new links attached to my blog. They are fellow bloggers over at typepad.com .... and I really like their blogs, plus their hot as hell too. I've been frequenting their blogs for awhile now and have finally noticed that they are apart of a circle of friends (whether online or in person as well). Perhaps they're are apart of the infamous gay mafia I hear so much about. hmmmm ... whatever the case, I figured I'd share them with ya.

epiphany

I finally figured out what the strange man following me around is after. Lately, vague images of a person have been catching my eye. I usually spot him in the corner of my eye where I shows himself as a person in black. And I don't mean in black clothes, but a black man. And no I don't mean a black man as in from Africa or anything like that; what I mean is he is pitch black from head to toe. All you can make out from seeing him is that he is a man. No facial features, no eyes to see, nor mouth to speak from. And since I'm seeing this figure from the corner of my eye, it realise that this isn't saying much. But I know he's there.

And I now know what he wants. He's after my smokes, my cancer sticks, my stress releivers; the very thing that makes me cool. He's after my cigarettes. And he's gotten them a few times too. Whole packs would go missing after only smoking about half the pack. And no matter where I am, at home or in a club or just walking down the street, he would snatch my smokes right out from under me without me knowing until its already too late.

Damn him I say. He's already costed me money, money that I don't have. Pack after pack after pack.

You know, if he really needs a smoke, he could just ask. And then when I say no, he can at least steal from me out of spite. But the whole stealing for no reason bit, it just pisses me off. I mean, why does he need my smokes, he doesn't even have a mouth. Sheesh.

A time I'd never forget, if only I can remember.

So, another weekend has passed, another monday here. And I for the life of me cannot remember what I did this passed weekend. I remember going out on Saturday and meeting this cute bi-guy named Martin, and we played some pool and that was about it. No digits exchanged (if thats what you were wondering). And thats all I remember. As for friday, fuck if I know. I didn't get drunk or anything, I just don't know. I can't remember a damn thing.

And I'm coming to find that as of late, thats been the case. My sense of time is diminishing and my lack of memory recall is increasing. While in school this past winter semester, those four months felt like a year. And I mean that seriously, a year had passed before my eyes and I felt it wholly with my entire being, yet calender wise, it was only four months. What is causing this? Why can't I remember anything these days.

Is it because everything I'm doing I don't feel is important? Or is it that I'm just so busy that everything is going by so fast? Either way, the situation exists (explained or not). And I feel I must fix it. But how?

Friday, May 27, 2005

a phone call to Cher

So I finally got to chat it up with a good friend from college. I haven't seen her or chatted from here since she moved early (before classes were even over) and I will always remember last day of classes when I was SLOSHED by 8pm (that what happens when you drink 4 pitchers of beer all to yourself at 4 in the afternoon). I wish I could say it was a great night, but I was passed out before the night began, lol. And its HER FAULT. I blame everything on her ... and I thank her for it too, cause it was a great day. And besides, its like she says, friends will give you booze even when its a bad idea.

But yeah, she's now over in Buttfuck Alberta working in a museum that I gather is only open 4 hours a day. But at least she's coming down to Calgary, YAY! Oh, by the way, she's no fag hag, I think. What is a fag hag anyways? I mean, I'm gay and all, but I'm small town gay. The whole city lingo and terminology is just way out of whack for me. Hell, I can't even recognise a Cher tune when it plays, which is prolly why all the guys at a bar I went to were shocked to hell when I asked "who sings this?". PLEASE, it is great music and all, I'm not dissing Cher here, but I like other stuff as well like ... oh I don't know, the sound of a guitar perhaps. I may be gay, but I'm not defined by it nor by the stereotypes that every gay man I met, adheres too. Hang on to labels if you must, but I know who I am.

And suddenly I'm ranting, lol. Oh well ... back to the point, it was great to here from a good friend.

Now, as you can see this post isn't actually about a phone call to Cher. I know OF Cher, I DON'T KNOW Cher. This is just my train of thought, how it went from a phone call with a friend to the topic of Cher. I'd like to say I'm sorry to mislead, but honestly I knew what I was doing.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

rollercoaster with a great end

meh ... one of those days where I really have no idea what to say. Usually I can prophesize about this is and that (opps, I mean philosophize is that even a word? huh, I boggled my own mind, who knew?]) But today is just blah.

In either case, the Trade/Career Show was a success ... however my memory is not. I've networked and talked and chatted with numerous peep's, but I just can't remember their names, and got no business cards. And I say I have an innate sense of business in my blood. YEAH RIGHT! I'd say, if I needed to explain my lack of memory recall, that I was distracted immensely (alrighty, my trying to sound intelligent is just ... whack) by my friends and family whom I haven't seen in AGES.

Since I moved from Dead Deer, Alberta (Red Deer) I haven't had time to chill and relax. As soon as classes ended, I moved to start another job here in Calgary and had no time to go home and visit loved ones. So it was great seeing them all.

But I was also distracted by the news of deaths and sick ones. Far too many have died in this past month in my small hometown of 3000+ people. It actually takes two hands to count the incident's. But on the plus side of life, my relatives and I celebrated my Grandma's 75 B-Day. What a strong women she is. Raising 9 kids, all of whom average 5 kids each, where 2-3 of those kids have 1-2 kids of their own (I'm not one of those people, being gay and all its kind of a challenge to have children), so it was quite the celebration. Good 'ol feast followed by a teadance (native celebrations are the best). What better way to respect your elders, especially those who are the rope in keeping the family, young and old, together with their heart of Gold. Love ya Kokum. Love ya always.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Long Way From here

I see in my mind, the speck that is I
I squint to see clearer with my dead eyes
The weightless sky crushes my soul
the endless sea of grass consumes me whole
the speck screams
heard is a whisper

... Long way from here

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Erased a post

Had to erase a blog due to the fact that I allowed a co-worker to take a peek, and I totally didn't not realised that I had mentioned something that should not have been mentioned. For those who read it, lucky you. I never thought I would erase anything from this ... but of course no one can see whats to come.

Nevertheless, as a result I've realised the whole appeal of Blogs and as to why I like them so much. It was the anonymous aspect of it all. Even though you didn't know a person, they were sharing an aspect of themselves with the world, or those who would stumble on the blog. And I ruined that. And its not really a bad thing, its just now I have to be careful about what I post. So from here on in, due to professionalism, there will be no postings about work, even if they are just thoughts inside my head.

And I've also realised another reason I like blogs, its because it can be used a a creative output for ones creative energies. Photography and music and poems and short stories can find an audience on the world wide web, and I've always considered myself an artistic soul. I could just never capture it all in whatever media I chose to use. Plus I haven't the resources to do what I want, nor the money or connections to obtain those resources. But alas, someday I will.

So, Main points here:

1) No more postings about work
2) I'll save money so that I can do what I really want to do
3) Its always best to realise why you like what you like so's you can maintain it.

..... ok, I think thats it.

Monday, May 16, 2005

... and also ...

Just reminding all of those who read my blog ... I will have pics one day. As soon as I earn enough $$$ ot afford my trip to Germany/Paris and a pc or my own. Hope u keep on reading, and feel free to respond every once and awhile .... til the next entry ... LAY'TA

"Bigger than My Body" - John Mayer

This us a call to the color-blind
This is an IOU
I'm stranded behind a horizon line
Tied up in somthing true

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not my time?
What is there more to learn?
Shed this skin I've been tripping in
Never to quite return

Yes I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Cause I'm bigger than my body now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll glady go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name
... To remember my name

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now

BRING IT ON

No, this is not in any reference to the movie or Kirsten Dunst whatsoever. This is MY blog, so its about me, lol. *insert evil laugh*

Well to the point, one thing I've never mentioned to ya before is that I'm now in Calgary for a new job. Its just a summer thing, but also a great experience for me seeing as I'm considering on being a lawyer and the job I have is at a Law Firm. So, great pay and a great experience. Not to mention, this particular Law Firm does a considerable amount of work for my hometown. So needless to say that everything I discover here WILL NOT be mentioned ever to any of my friends and family from back home, do to confidentiality agreements and not to mention its just plainly unethical and unprofessional. But the gay man in me truly wants to gossip, lol. No worries, I won't.

But anyways, back in my hometown, they host a Trade/Career Fair every year. And I mean every year. Everyone goes there, from the hot shot professionals, educational workers (teachers, etc) all the way down to the Petroleum Transfer Engineers (Gas Jockeys, lol) and even lil' wee lads running amuck and curious about certain jobs and such (I was there once in my life, back when I was a wee 'lil punk). Its a huge deal back home. I'm certain a small event here in my new office, but still, its huge. And this year, I've been asked to man the booth that will be set up for the Firm I work for. Okay I say, I need a new challenge. You'll never get better if you don't at least do it once, right?

But heres the problem: I've never operated a whole booth on my own before. In fact, for the most part in my booth operations of the past, I was merely a helper, a gopher, a bitch (lol). But its true, I was always the handy guy to have around, for I would help everyone. I was never THE actual Representative of a company or society or any organisation for that matter. And now I have total control of the marketing and networking of a firm that I've only been with for 16 days?! As well as a representative of the legal industry in which I'm not even actively apart of; cause I ain't in law school yet, I'm just an office bitch of a Law Firm (I don't handle the cases).

Oh well, at least I'll be back home, that takes off some of the edge. And I have a feeling that the questions will be generic moreso than specific. As long as I know that this firm focuses on Oil and Gas and Native Communities (thats right, I'm Native ... an Aboriginal North American, and Indian ... but forget all the PC lingo. Just call me causasion impaired, lol), then I should be alright. Plus, this Firm has been attending this Trade/Career Fairs for years now, as far back as 1994 I think. (okay, I was wrong, it was only since 2002) But nevertheless, it should be fun.

Plus I get to go home and see everyone I love and miss *tear*

Escapism

So, here I am in Calgary, Alberta. I've been here for 16 days now, and I still haven't bought any groceries. Its not like I'm not eating and that I don't have any money, in fact since last friday, its been quite the opposite. Its just I'm never home now. And when I am, its to sleep or simply for a few minutes, and then I'm off again. And good news too, I lost 10 pounds. IN TWO WEEKS. Wow, sure that may be unhealthy ... but I don't care. Cause I lost ten pounds. And I wasn't even trying. Nah, this is merely the result from walking around EVERY DAY, to EVERY LOCATION I was going. Now add that with the gym and GOD DAMN, I'll be in great shape in no time. That of course is if I stay away from beer for awhile. HAHAHAHA, now thats a funny thought.

Now, unfortunately, I haven't met any cool gay guys. Instead, I've been meeting gay men with HUGE attitude problems. I suspect they were held too much as children, but you know, thats just me. Nah, perhaps they're good people, I wouldn't know because I've never seen that side of them. But maybe, just maybe they are. Of course, I myself have been meeting these men in the bars, where I myself am drunk, lol. WHAT?! I don't have an alcohol problem. I drink, get drunk, NO PROBLEM! But I must say, this is usually because I left my roommates (who wanted to go home early, too early for me) who drink like fishes. Plus, the nourishing taste of beer as it washes down your throat is sweeeeeeeet! Hmmm ... Only monday and I wish it was Friday, lol.

N E Ways, to the point. Perhaps new friends like relationship material boyfriends is best sought OUTSIDE the bar. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the bar; the drinks, the music, the people, the lowered inhibitions, lol. Its a great place to just chill and relax (if you like that kind of atmosphere). And if your an avid introvert such as yours truly, then its also a great escape from the everyday. hmmmm ... the everyday. Why do I have such a need to escape the everyday? And why do I usually find this escape in bars? Can it be because I'm a gay boy from a smalltown, where prosecution due to jealousy and ignorance and arrogance is abundently abound? Perhaps. Maybe its because I've never allowed myself to be my true self and thus resulted in a behavioural habit of composing myself in a reserved manner. Whatever the case, the real question is should it manner? Should I really be concerned with it being that its only day 16? Meh. I'm still having fun. And besides, the big picture portrays that I'm still in an escape from the everyday anyways, simply because that every city and every town and every friend for that matter that I have encountered up until this point, is TOTALLY different from my home town. And I'm loving every minute of it.

PEACE

Friday, May 13, 2005

Friday the 13th, literally

Well, its friday. My second weekend here in Calgary is finally upon me. And I got paid too, but I just don't know what to do. But, such is me, having money in a city and having nothing to do. And this damn weather is a bitch. Warm one minute, raining the next. Now its gloomy all day, and I really wanted to go rollerblading. DAMN! DAMN IT HELL I SAY!

But N E Ways, \my roommate owes me some money, so she's taking me out tonite. Hopefully this Social Butterfly will show me a great time tonite. Although there are times where I wish I would as talkative as her, but then again I find most women are talkative in that they ARE women. Str8 men want them and fall into their urges (we gay men know the power of that one, lol) and so chat up the women whenever so possible. I could go on and on and theorize about the sexes, but requires organising my thoughts and making sure I'm saying whatever it is I'm tryin to say ... as well, thats just too much work. nd besides, in the end all I'll say is my roommate is talkive, approachable, a social butterfly whereas I am not (at least not so outgoing as her).

But yeah ... frankly, I have no idear what f!ck to say today. Oh, my roommates buda are gone, they're Calgary stop of the Canadian Road trip has come to an end, I would think their in Vancouver now. And when I got home, it was eerily quiet in my apartment. Usually I'd here conversations and some drinks clinging, or the guys playing the fooz ball table ... but yesterday, silence. Just one roommate watching TV, her favorite soaps. My other roommate went with them apparently, so its extra quiet now. OH, and they broke my guitar string and offered to fix it ... but they left. WTF!? Oh well. All is good. And oddly enough, I miss them. Either that or I just miss their crazy antics.

Well ... I guess this introverted sexy beast has got get going now. I'll see how the weekend goes.

LATER GATOR .... (did I really just say 'later gator'? f!ck I'm a loser .. oh well, cause I'M AWESOME, lol)

Thursday, May 12, 2005

For You

I don't even know who I was back then. And its been years now; but it feels so long ago. All I truly know is that, now, the sun shines. I see the beauty of the world that was invisible once before. But I must admit, there are days where the beauty is harder to see; perhaps thats due to habit. Nevertheless there are days I can see it. I'm no longer caged in a pitch black box with no means of escape. And for that I thank Paul.

There were days when I would choose darkness over light. The world was far from nice, and I started to believe and behave like it was the only truth I had known. And at the time, it was. Everything was bleek; thunderous black clouds reigned. Up until I met Paul.

There was just something different in him that was different. An essence I had never encountered before. A peace evident in his smile. And when he smiled a light filled the room; but when he smiled at me, the light filled my world. After meeting him only twice, I've come to see that my world was not subjected to a pitch black filled box. Instead I was able to see a whole universe I never thought could exist for me. The sun rose and enveiled a world so vast that all I could do is cry and wonder why I've never seen it before.

But being with Paul, that meant nothing. The past was the past and with him, the past didn't matter. All that mattered was that I could see the world at that moment. He allowed me to just be me. It was an acceptance I never felt before, an acceptance that was unknown to me, an acceptance that even I, myself did not want. And he gave it nevertheless.

Its been almost three years since we met. And I'm a better man today. Better just by knowing him. I'm a better man towards myself. Paul, thank you.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Dolla dolla dolla dolla bill, ya'll

Oh yeah, finally ... cash to my name. I can buy groceries (which honestly, I haven't boughten any in MONTHS), get my gym membership and treat myself to a jacket I saw at Old Navy (yeah, I shop there, you got a porblem with that?). But damn, I've been broke for too long.

Thats what sucks about moving, it takes alot of time, energy and money. Most times it takes ALL your time, ALL your energy, and ALL your money. And I was a student, so I barely had any in the first place. But alas, the lull period is over and I can start rollin around in the dinero. *Cue Music* Money money money money mon'ey ... MON'EY!

And if some poor bum or crackhead asks me for some change ... I'm STILL saying NO! Thier like dogs (not like dogs are stupid animals, in fact I think they are quite brilliant. I mean, they ain't picking up our poop or feeding us, now are they?) But to the point, bums and crackheads are like dogs in that if you feed them once, they'll never leave. And unfortunately, my street is full of them; Downtown right next the train station and the Greyhound is in the vicinity, BAM ... a haven of broke ass mutha's. If someone askes for another 'favor', I swear I will 'HE-BITCH-MAN-SLAP'EM'. SMACK!!!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

"Its Clobberin Time"

GOT THAT RIGHT! I just saw the exclusive online theatrical trailer for Fantastic Four (the other trailer) ... and wow. Great graphics for this movie. I've been a comic fan ever since I was a wee lad, and although I'm not an active fan nowadays, I still love comic books and superheros. Thus far, this is the last film I need to see for the all my favorite comics to be brought to the big screen. I waited 10 years for X-Men to made into a movie, and I actually got one character right as to who would play him. Charles Xavier was a no brainer since I was a treckie too. Then came Daredevil, my original favorite superhero. But when I stumbled on X-Men, I completely forgot about him. Generation X is a great comic, mediocre film; but then again it didn't have a big budget for it only had Fiona Hughe as the White Queen, and she was the only (somewhat) big star (please consider the timeline peoples). And now, Fantastic Four. YAY! I loved Fantastic Four for that comic was the first comic to introduce Spiderman (for those who never knew that, I'm deeply ashamed ..... ok, I'm over it). But YEAH, Fantastic Four is coming. If you need to see it ... check this out .... www.fantasticfourmovie.com

PEACE

YEEE-HAAW

Crazy Ontarionians ... all they do is party. Drink here, drink there, party party party. And I love it. ;) So my roommate's buds from Ontario came down to Calgary for vacation (honestly, why Calgary?) and have been staying at our place for the past few days. So, that means that 5 people are using 1 bathroom. Kind of gross when you think about ... which is why I choose not too. But back to my main point, which was what again?! ..... .... ....

Oh yes, last night. So we all went out, again. To a bar, again. And drank, again. It was great. But this time ... it was KARAOKE NIGHT! And since we're in cowtown in the middle of plains'ville ... I decided to sing a country song. 'What About Now' by Lonestar. And I must admit, I do like country. I didn't exactly grow up with the music, it was just kind of there. Anyways, also there were two cowboys, one of which was hitting it up with my roommate Leah (craziest woman you'll every meet ... you'd love her). N E Ways, my point is that apparently I was good. I had even impressed them (the cowboys) with my vocal stylings. One of them even tells me to 'keep it up'. Now this is the guy who was hittin on my roommate, so there was no sexual innuendo behind that comment. But the other guy ... WOOF! One look at him and I'd "Save A Horse, Ride a Cowboy'.

But yeah ... that was my monday. Nice evening filled with booze and great singers, and not so great singers, and some that were just terrible (but even they get the crowded a hollerin). I impressed two cowboys with a country song. EGO BOOST!!!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Calgarian Weekend: 1st Episode

Well, this past weekend was my first weekend in the big bad city (well, as far as city's go when your in Alberta, Canada ... and I must admit, its no NYC). But still, this country boy loved every minute of it. And thus far, I've been here for a week but I still have no grocery's to eat. Who needs em when you go out for a beer every night. Hmmmm ... but I must keep in check that beer means a bigger gut ... yet I'm still walking more often than I'm used to. (I have no car, and I'm always going places, neither of my roommates have vehicles either) So ... I'll have to wait and see if I'll gain anymore wieght or whatever.

Anyways ... the gay scene here ... sucks. lol .... not like I can judge I must admit. Or maybe I'm just not that used to it, after all I am a country boy whose used to bush/tailgate parties out on the countryside and where the gay scene was non-existant. The good ol days of partying from 10pm to 8AM in the morn. The rising of the dawning sun was the indication that it was time to go home. But here ... wow. Same start time, except we get home sooner ... and I can't help but feel that I'm cheated, lol. Oh well, all is well. Went to some great pubs/lounges (whatever you call them) and yes I already have a favourite now, the good ol 'Ship and Anchor'. Great beer ... high prices. But I now know that this whole city is high prices. but thats okay this time around ... for at least I have a decent paying job.

Anyways, the gay scene ... blah. What else can I say about it? Well lets see, pretentious, conceited, stuck up, shallow ... hmmm .. no wait, theres more ... jaded, callous, even the most aged crowd seems callow. I can go on and on and on. But since it was only my first weekend and I had no one to go with, well then I'll reserve my judgement for August. For now, I'll just assume it was a bad night for everyone. Especially for that one guy who was angry at the world since he allegedly helped construct the club and made it happening but now got 'restructured' out of operations. Damn he bitched so much I just wanted to shout "GET OVER IT". What I got was that this happened quite awhile ago. He turned me off my night so bad, it was like realising the guy your crushing on is str8. But nevertheless, being a smalltown boy ... I had a great time laughing at the weird folk ... even though I may have been weird to them, since I was wearing a zip up hoodie and cap, and all I mainly wear are baggy clothes. But hey, I've embraced my weirdness, its what makes me, well me. Especially here in the big bad city (which honestly isn't that big

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

One month in five days

Ohmigod the past few days were stressful. I made an attempt last week to write a paper ... and NADDA. I tried to move on friday from Red Deer to Calgary during the day. The vehicle I was using didn't show up until 2AM. The next day I was supposed to out of the apartment by Noon, I was out by 2:30PM. My hired help didn't show up until 11AM. And after all that, I move my shit into my new apartment, and then BAM, vehicle breaks down. So, me and my moving crew pile into one vehicle and I drive them home BACK to town thats 3 hours away. (really, that ain't bad since they could be living in the next province or something). And we deccide to have a post moving beer. Yeah right, that turned into a party that lasted until ... well, I left sunday evening (we moved on saturday) and they were STILL drinking. And god knows, I wanted to be right in there with them. And god knows that for the morning of sunday, I was. (Yep, No sermon that day, lol). So, by 4pm, I came to my senses and realise that I had no ride back to calgary (like a I said was 3 hours away) and the ride I did have, I gave back to the original owner. So, by 7pm I found a ride (god bless my huge fa mily) but he didn 't show up un til 10pm. So, we finally get to Calgary by 1AM, and I need to direct him out of the city, and I lived downtown. And in this city, there are far too many one ways. So, I did that, I hope he and his wife got out okay, lol. (funmny that I'mw worrying about that now, cause its tuesday) And I was finally in bed bvy 2am .. only to start work the next day.

So yeah, I'm finally in Calgary, Alberta .... and I'm broke. And I mean I have NO MONEY WHATSOEVER!!! And whatever money I will have, is spoken for, as per usual. But nevertheless, I'm Calgary. It took the weekend from hell to get here, but alas I got through it. ... ... .... I LOVE MY LIFE :)