On The Plus Side

Ok, so after going back and doin some reading ... I'd have to say my mood is more somber and perhaps edging on morbid, lol. There's definately a serious tone there.

So on to some light-hearted stuff. My life, sure is probably in its downer stages, but does have some high points. ONE, my job ... except for the deep freeze of weather we're going through right now, I love it. I'm workin in heights with a group of guys that just love to goof off, and gettin paid awesome for it too. Its good.

My social life ... or lack there of, is nill at the moment. Still single, lovin it and hatin it, depends on the day. But I've come to realise that lefty lucy makes a good substitute ... especially if you hold your hand in the air until you lose feeling; it feels like someone else is doing it, lol.

Family, well ... been workin so much I haven't had time to go up and see them ... but I'll see them for Christmas .. that will be awesome.

And I'm sure there's more, lol ... I really just don't feel like typing right now ... so here ya go ... some pics. Good Day everyone.

I found out I was me ... so I prayed.

Yesterday, while in the steamroom of my gym (no, this is not a sexual story), I've achieved a state of mind that I've never ever thought I'd be able to achieve on my own. I always figured it can only be experienced the moment right before one falls asleep, or when one gets up too fast and not only gets light-headed but also in fact blacks out for a moment. You know that moment when you close your eyes and are about to let go of everything around, what you see, what you feel and what you hear are about to disappear into the deep black abyss while your mind, your subconscious is about to soar; yet the split second before it does, everything your about to let go is suddenly perfectly clear; its like your experiencing your senses all the while your staring into the deep black abyss. Its a moment where you know your you.

I achieved it. It felt like I was going to black out; and instead of waking myself from it, I decided to let it come. I closed my eyes, and all I could see where faint fireflies buzzing about in direct contrast of the blackness behind them. But I could still feel the heat from the steam, the moisture of the room and the humming of the room itself. And suddenly, the fireflies faded. Suddenly I was staring into blackness. And I was aware, completely aware of where I was. Completely aware of my existence. I was me, and thats all I was.

Considering everything I want and everything thats been happening in my life ... I could only do one thing at this moment. I prayed. I prayed over and over again in my head; asking for help, asking for a friend, asking for success, asking for family, asking for money, asking to be held, asking for someone to hold, asking .... asking .... asking ....

saturday pics

Me for Me

What do you do when you get to the point where you realise your alone? When family is so far away that even a phone call won't do? When you realise that you and your friends have nothing in common? When your roommate doesn't understand you at all? When all you do is work, and go home to sleep only to work the next day all over again?

... yeah, I'm in a rutt.

I blame most of how I feel on the fact that I'm single again. Of course, if I don't go out, then how will "Mr. Right" notice me, right? But I do go out from time to time ... only I'm never approached by anyone, AND I'm not really drawn to anyone myself ... so I guess thats the game I'm playin right now; waiting and wondering why.

Although, I feel I must mention ... I don't always feel this jaded and lonely, I've been so busy with work (worked alot of weekends in the past two months) and gettin sick because of it that I never really noticed time let alone how I was feeling.

But I guess it ain't that bad. I'm healthy, I'm working, my self-esteem is intact (for the most part), I'm going back to school, I'm back at the gym (and losing pounds, AND gaining muscle) ... people say that when you get back to yourself and do things for yourself that people will notice and thats when all the good things happen. Of course, this isn't to say that this is the mere reason for doing it all, I ain't doing all this stuff for myself for the sake of reaping rewards. Instead, I'm doing it cause I want too. Cause thats me and now is the time to look at, and take care of me.

So granted, life has been one whirlwind after another, and yes there are times I wonder why about everything ... I know I'm fine. I guess its the realisation that no one can take care of me, is makin me feel lonely.

Ya know, I don't even know if any of this made sense, lol. I trust it does.