Its odd. The one place that I could never truly be myself, is the one place I crave to be. The one place that has inhibited me for so many years, the one place that has proven dangerous for me to live in, is the one place I want to go back to. The one place I felt trapt; and the one place I felt so much rejoice upon finally leaving, is the only place I want to go back to.
I miss home. I miss my family. I miss my brothers, my sisters, my mom and dad, and all my cousins. I miss them all so much, it hurts.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
A Confession #1
A Confession ...
I used to like Dawson's Creek. There, I said it ... I was a WB kid who used to love watching the escapades of Dawson, and Joey, and Jack, and Pacey, and Jen. I even kept track of their movie careers; meaning I also watched Varsity Blues, The Gift, Mighty Ducks, Final Destination and Halloween H20 simply because they were in them. I loved Dawson's Creek (could be because the creator also wrote Scream 1 & 2, which inspired me to be a writer).
Funny thing is now ... I watch it the reruns on tv ... and I'm sickened by it.
How can one love something only to one day hate it?
The only conclusion I can come up with is that when I used to watch it, I was young. Young and naive and so full of hope of what life could be. I watched that program and felt moved about what life could be for this small town boy; a life that I wasn't living at the time. Although, I'm pretty sure that what I hate the most is that my high school life and my college life where NOTHING like I thought it would be. Instead of feeling free and full of hope, I felt trapt and depressed. At a time when I was trying to make things better for myself, I ended up making things worse; I ended up doing what was expected instead of what I really wanted to.
Time when on, and four years of college went by. All the while spent in misery and all the time waiting for a time when all would be better. And now, here I am .... in a life that I never expected simply because its a life I never wanted. No degree, in a dead end restaurant, in an apartment I never wanted to be in. With barely a cent to my name (thanks to the fuggin city ... fellow calgarians would know what I'm talking about), I'm living day by day in a job that drains the life out of me.
I don't even know what I want to do anymore, I feel so jaded.
Here's to hoping I snap out of this soon.
I used to like Dawson's Creek. There, I said it ... I was a WB kid who used to love watching the escapades of Dawson, and Joey, and Jack, and Pacey, and Jen. I even kept track of their movie careers; meaning I also watched Varsity Blues, The Gift, Mighty Ducks, Final Destination and Halloween H20 simply because they were in them. I loved Dawson's Creek (could be because the creator also wrote Scream 1 & 2, which inspired me to be a writer).
Funny thing is now ... I watch it the reruns on tv ... and I'm sickened by it.
How can one love something only to one day hate it?
The only conclusion I can come up with is that when I used to watch it, I was young. Young and naive and so full of hope of what life could be. I watched that program and felt moved about what life could be for this small town boy; a life that I wasn't living at the time. Although, I'm pretty sure that what I hate the most is that my high school life and my college life where NOTHING like I thought it would be. Instead of feeling free and full of hope, I felt trapt and depressed. At a time when I was trying to make things better for myself, I ended up making things worse; I ended up doing what was expected instead of what I really wanted to.
Time when on, and four years of college went by. All the while spent in misery and all the time waiting for a time when all would be better. And now, here I am .... in a life that I never expected simply because its a life I never wanted. No degree, in a dead end restaurant, in an apartment I never wanted to be in. With barely a cent to my name (thanks to the fuggin city ... fellow calgarians would know what I'm talking about), I'm living day by day in a job that drains the life out of me.
I don't even know what I want to do anymore, I feel so jaded.
Here's to hoping I snap out of this soon.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Happy Easter
For those who were able to make it home this past weekend and spend time with your families for the Easter holiday, I hope ya had a great time. I unfortunately spent my very first Easter alone.
You know, it wasn't all that bad. The weather was finally nice, and I merely just drove around the city.
Year after year, my mom has a family dinner at her home and does her best to have games ready for the kids and treats and everything. She's always looking out for family, to the point that its expected now. She knows very well that she doesn't have to do it every year, but she likes it.
As I sat reminicsing about Easter year after year, I was over come with a hunger for ham and turkey and mashed potatoes. Yet my hunger didn't stop there. I also starved the chaos of numerous younglings running and screaming and crying and begging and just merely being kids. I longed for the incessant noise that I usually escaped by sleeping in my moms room, only for the kids to barge the door open screaming along the way, and upon seeing me lay on the bed, they would turn to each other pressing a finger against their lips telling each other to be quiet .. and STILL play in the room. They are the cutest kids I know, all my neices and nephews and god sons and cousins.
I yearned for familiar faces passing along the same jokes they've told for years. The same camaderie between me and my male cousins and uncles expressed with gawdy jokes and homophobic comments. I miss from the bottom of my heart how a child will look familiar year after year and get taller and taller at the same time.
And one final thing I miss ... grabbing the last stale Pepsi that is hidden in the pantry; hidden in the same spot year after year, next to the spare christmas wrapping paper that will be used next year. But not only grabbing the last warm pepsi, but the wrath that ensues afterward upon being caught by my younger sister.
The tought of holiday meals supplied my hunger, and so I pulled into the nearest drive thru.
I miss home.
You know, it wasn't all that bad. The weather was finally nice, and I merely just drove around the city.
Year after year, my mom has a family dinner at her home and does her best to have games ready for the kids and treats and everything. She's always looking out for family, to the point that its expected now. She knows very well that she doesn't have to do it every year, but she likes it.
As I sat reminicsing about Easter year after year, I was over come with a hunger for ham and turkey and mashed potatoes. Yet my hunger didn't stop there. I also starved the chaos of numerous younglings running and screaming and crying and begging and just merely being kids. I longed for the incessant noise that I usually escaped by sleeping in my moms room, only for the kids to barge the door open screaming along the way, and upon seeing me lay on the bed, they would turn to each other pressing a finger against their lips telling each other to be quiet .. and STILL play in the room. They are the cutest kids I know, all my neices and nephews and god sons and cousins.
I yearned for familiar faces passing along the same jokes they've told for years. The same camaderie between me and my male cousins and uncles expressed with gawdy jokes and homophobic comments. I miss from the bottom of my heart how a child will look familiar year after year and get taller and taller at the same time.
And one final thing I miss ... grabbing the last stale Pepsi that is hidden in the pantry; hidden in the same spot year after year, next to the spare christmas wrapping paper that will be used next year. But not only grabbing the last warm pepsi, but the wrath that ensues afterward upon being caught by my younger sister.
The tought of holiday meals supplied my hunger, and so I pulled into the nearest drive thru.
I miss home.
Friday, April 06, 2007
TGIF? ... no, not really
And so .. friday is here. The singing competition is today, and I'm sick. I for the life of me can't yell at all .. and when I can, no one can understand me. This totally sucks.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Monday, April 02, 2007
Tis monday .. and it snowed last night ... AGAIN
And so here, I am ... at the computer yet again. But thats okay, I cause thats where I like being. Should something inspired me to write or create or simply to find certain types of pictures, the net is at hand to let me do so. Makes me wish I had a laptop.
Anyways, I had gone to SAIT today, to drop off some transcripts and whatnot that they will need. Turns out, they already had them. Feeling like a bonehead, I had completely forgotten that I applied there once before (but didn't get into the program I had wanted due to not gettin my mail [thanks to my big brother, thanks bro, no really .. thanks]) and therefore I was still on file. This time, all I had to do was apply again .. and thats was it. Badda boom badda bing, I've made the selection list for possible accepted applicants. That made my day. Here's to hoping that something I want I will finally get.
On to other things ... I like singing. I don't know genres or singers or bands, I know music. Chances are that I like whatever music someone is talking about .. but we'll never know because I have no idea who they're referencing too.
I like singing so much, I've actually turned into a karaoke fanatic. And thanks to it, I've made some pretty good friends.
ANYWAYS, with the 1st North American Outgames coming to Calgary, Alberta ... the local gay sports organisation, Apollo, has hosted their own Idol (or a karaoke version of it all). And I made it. This friday, I will be singing "Kryptonite" from Three Doors Down in front of hundreds of people. And to think, this is coming from someone who two years ago would NEVER pick up a mic let alone actually sing in front of anyone. Wish me luck.
Anyways, I had gone to SAIT today, to drop off some transcripts and whatnot that they will need. Turns out, they already had them. Feeling like a bonehead, I had completely forgotten that I applied there once before (but didn't get into the program I had wanted due to not gettin my mail [thanks to my big brother, thanks bro, no really .. thanks]) and therefore I was still on file. This time, all I had to do was apply again .. and thats was it. Badda boom badda bing, I've made the selection list for possible accepted applicants. That made my day. Here's to hoping that something I want I will finally get.
On to other things ... I like singing. I don't know genres or singers or bands, I know music. Chances are that I like whatever music someone is talking about .. but we'll never know because I have no idea who they're referencing too.
I like singing so much, I've actually turned into a karaoke fanatic. And thanks to it, I've made some pretty good friends.
ANYWAYS, with the 1st North American Outgames coming to Calgary, Alberta ... the local gay sports organisation, Apollo, has hosted their own Idol (or a karaoke version of it all). And I made it. This friday, I will be singing "Kryptonite" from Three Doors Down in front of hundreds of people. And to think, this is coming from someone who two years ago would NEVER pick up a mic let alone actually sing in front of anyone. Wish me luck.
Oompa Loompas
And so I went to a drag show today (in fact, just got back from it), and during their second set, they decided to have a drinking contest. And so, in order to find out who would compete, they looked through the prizes and divided the contestants into sizes; 'Small', 'Medium', and 'Large' would compete.
The contestants walked up, and all I could do is scream "OH PLEASE, fuggin Oompa Loompas are bigger than that. WILLOW, have a seat so a real man can have a chance."
The contestants walked up, and all I could do is scream "OH PLEASE, fuggin Oompa Loompas are bigger than that. WILLOW, have a seat so a real man can have a chance."
Bear Cub
Perhaps one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. Plus, I watched with my ex bf ... who also happen to be my first bf ever. I miss him, alot. I hope to wake up next him one day.
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