Being Single ... again

So as mentioned before, I got out of a relationship .. one that really wasn't working for me from the get go.

Anyways, I find myself wondering what its like to be single .. even though I actually am single. I think I'm findin it hard as to what it means because of the fact that I still live with the ex. The reason I stayed was more out of necessity than choice. Ya see, as I'm still training to be an ironworker, I'm still a student. And being a student here in this city, with its economy, sucks. I can't afford anything. And so, I still live with the guy.

For the most part, its all good ... I have my own time and I do my own thing (even though it mainly consists of walking around downtown by myself and window shopping), and I am making friends in the program. I still find myself trying to form an identity that I'm comfortable with. Ya see, most people I talk too were 'his' friends first. And absolutely nothing wrong with them, I still talk to them and we all hang out too, its just that fact .. they were his friends first. And that should mean nothing in regards to true friends .. and I feel that they are true friends. Its just, would I have met them if I hadn't dated this guy? Would I have met them if I had a true sense of personal identity a long time ago?

With were my new friends are heading, and where my old friends are from, I can't help be realise a huge rift between the two. I feel as if I'm coming from the fact that my being gay doesn't define me as a whole .. whereas my old friends, take away that fact and they have nothing else to talk about.

Well, I guess its just thoughts. And I'll see where I end up, I suppose.

Workin the Steel

And so I've been training in the union for three weeks now, today we're starting week four, and today I just got my first introduction to welding. Lets just say fish out of water, lol. But it was fun.

Last week, we worked. That class and I were brought on to construction sites tying rebar. And let me tell you, you will never see a fat ironworker working in rebar. The amount of running around, the weight one must pack, the amount of time your hunched over tying the slab beneath your feet is EXHAUSTING. I was forming muscles in my legs I didn't even know I had. As much as I loved it, I don't think I've slept so much in one week. But the money I made, compared to the actual amount of time worked, is HUGE. CHA CHING! (there were days that us students were not needed on the site, lets just say that the weather, the steel manufacturers, the foreman and his crew .. all came into play. It was one rough week for EVERYONE).

All of last week, my days started at 5 in the morning, just so I can make it to work by 7 (or 7:30am), but at least we were done the site by 3pm. I really need a car, lol.

Harness

And so the training continues ...
Today, was the introduction of harnesses and its proper and safe usage. And no, I'm not talking about the latest excursion to The Eagle, or a learning session with a "Master".

Today was my Fall Protection course needed for my Ironwork training. But needless to say, everytime the instructor even mentioned the word "harness", my mind wandered, lol.

Actual harness hurt, for me anyways, when suspended a short distance into the air ... but I must mention that its mainly due to my size. Well, it was my sign to get back to the gym, which I did immediately after class today. But my dinner of fried chicken sure didn't help things, lol.

A Days rest

And so ... its sunday ....
I really have nothing to say today. It was a great weekend, went out with new friends on friday, had an awesome time with my new roommate (a friend of mine moved in). Finished it all off with a minor workout at the gym today.

For the most part, I just relaxed at home and chilled. It was nice. I haven't done that in a long time.

One thing though ... I really need to get laid, lol. And let me say this, these kind of pics ain't helping .. lol

NEW GEAR

Did I mention that I was in a pre-apprentice program? I'm sure I did at one point .. even if just vaguely. Ah, the joys of a copious amount of time passing between posts; ya never know what ya mentioned before.

Anyways, I remember posting that I quit my job in favor for a program I got in. At first it was all up in the air as to whether or not they would accept my application, ya see .. I was waitlisted. And there were people ahead of me. And so I waited and waited, working a job I hated in the meantime but yet hoping for the best. And sure enough, last minute I got in.

And so, for the past few months, since February, I've been in a program and attending classes everyday. Now, I think this is the first time since high school that I actually attended classes everyday. But not only did I attend, I also showed up early for class. (That fact alone astounds me, lol) The biggest reason behind all this is that if I miss enough classes, I would be removed from the program. Anywho, the first month was a personal developement focus, and the next month (or actually 17 days) was upgrading to ensure a passing grade on the Apprenticeship exam. Its feels like its been long, but I'm sure its becuase of the low pay we receive monthly as incentive, and the fact that I'm not working in the inbetween time. So while doing all this, money is scarce.

But, its paying off ... just today I bought new steel toed boots, a pair of carharts and other miscellaneous stuff for work; ya see, starting monday I actually start training in the union shop. WOO HOO!

Another good thing is that a good friend of mine from high school, who I just happen to be in the same program, now lives with me and we're both learning the same trade. It really looks like things are starting to shape up for me. *knocks on wood* ... ya never know.

UPDATE ...

Because alot of time has passed since I last posted something, I think its needless to say that alot has happened. So much, in fact that being online and being a net junkie has been last on my list.

For starters, I'm single. After a long long relationship, we've come to the realisation that our relationship was labelled something that it indeed wasn't ... at least thats the story I'm stickin with. It is true .. its just not the whole truth. In fact, it actually stretches for a long period of time spanning months. Truthfully, I personally was doubting the relationship in what feels like ages ago ... and I always had every intention of bring it up, but usually I would chicken-out out of fear of hurting him, or hurting me, or too much uncertainty was in the air about where I would live and such ... and as I thought and thought about this, life would happen, thus steering my attention towards something else. First is was losing my job, then it was the passing of my sister, then it was the fact that I was in school and really had no money .... but alas a time had come where I had to be truthful.

As mentioned, another passing of a loved one had come and gone. I ventured home to be with family (which was planned in the first place for the long weekend) and to help out with the funeral as my mother would be planning and taking care of the "arrangements" as second time since the passing of my older sister. I knew she would need the help even if she didn't really ask for it. But at the time, I thought more and more about myself and the life I was living and the people in my life and I realised, that I felt so alone. I wasn't the me that I even partially knew (as say that as I feel as if I'm on a constant trek to becoming who I am supposed to be). And I knew something had to change.

And so I took a look around my home town, my home indian reservation, and tried imagine the people that may fit in my life back home who were in my life now. And truth be told, no one fit. Not the guy I was with, not any of my friends; no one who I had encountered on a frequent basis. And as I analyzed previous conversations and chit chat, I realised the amount of judgement and prejudice towards my people that these people spoke with ... now it may be partially my fault in that I allowed it for so long, but nevertheless they continued to speak to me in such a manner. And so, I had to do what I'm currently doing now ... I'm keeping them at a distance. I'm continuing forth with my own journey on my own.

I've been in a huge rutt for the past year and I need to stop it. Right now, I need to surround myself with people I can trully call friends, people who are supportive and who challenge me in many ways. I needent be pitied or taken care of; I need to steer myself. I need to stand on my own two feet.

Its still a journey, life always will be. I just hope I don't make the same mistakes as I just did.