Cabs Suck

And so today (or night, since its 3 AM), I took two cabs to get home. Two.

The past few days have been nuts since our lounge closed down for renovations which also means labor must but cut as well. And therefore, today, I have two other able bodies in the kitchen instead of 5. And to make matters more interesting, they were all scheduled off early, leaving me even more clean up to do myself. Now maybe I'm just too used to the way it used to be, but it was hard.

After work, around 2AM, I called a cab. Now I must mention that I live on the other side of downtown and the only route to get home was through downtown. The ride does get interesting and expensive when you hit all the red lights.

As tired as I was, and even moreso because I have to be up early the next day to open the restuarant I had just closed, I was releived when the cab showed up mere minutes after I called. I jumped in, gave him my address, put on my headphones and slowly started dazed off (but I didn't fall asleep).

Next I know, after taking a phone call on his cell phone, the cabbie pulls over at a hotel and asks another cab (of a different company) if he's busy. He was, and we were off again, to another hotel where he dropped me off. Now, I'm nowhere near home, in fact, I'm only half way home AND halfway through downtown. From here, I had to hail another cab to get home.

I called the company and complained, who in return "assured" me that the cabbie was "disciplined" (whoever could not tell me how because it was against policy to do so). Whatever. And so, it costed me more to get home than it should in money, and time.

I'm still thinking about calling the Taxi Commission (the other cab I hailed told me to do so as that he seen what happened).

I'm OK

And so, last week was just one of those things where I'm bomb-barded with emotion, leaving me little time to assess whats going on and having no choice but to roll with it. A lot of times, when emotions like that come around, its a sign for me to take some time for myself and stop focusing on everything else around me. When I do get through it, it tells me that I'm in no situation that I like and thusfully change is due. Thank god my vacation is coming up.

Just 4 more days, and I'm off to Vancouver (yet again), but moreso I'm embarking on a road trip down the west coast to Los Angeles and up again through Las Vegas and then back home. The stops will be Portland, San Fransico, Seattle, Los Angeles and then Vegas (where I'll be spending a week). Its a trip thats been planned since summer, but is actually sinking for me right now.

AND THANK GOD, cause I really need time away from work. Ever since my fave manager quit unexpectedly .. work has been chaos for me. Lets just say that she was the only one who cared about the workers. The rest of the managers are just stupid, and work ever since then has been a strain for me. But when we close for renovations, I'll have paid time off which will be nice. It'll give me time to search for a new job, lol .... suckers.

But times will a change after that, this I know. I don't know how I'll deal with the changes and such, but ... changes will be had. I'm keepin my head high; for I know whatever happens, there is someone out there that still cares for me for whom is someone I care for deeply as well. And for me right now, thats all that matters.

Freak On A Leash

"Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Something's raped and taken from me... from me.

Life's got to always be messing with me. (You wanna see the light)
Can't they chill and let me be free? (So do I)
Can't I take away all this pain. (You wanna see the light)
I try to every night, all in vain... in vain.

Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You'll never see me fall from grace

Something takes a part of me ......


Something takes a part of me.
Feeling like a freak on a leash. (You wanna see the light)
Feeling like I have no release. (So do I)
How many times have I felt diseased? (You wanna see the light)
Nothing in my life is free... is free."


... lyrics that really represent how I'm feelin lately.

"Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Something's raped and taken from me... from me.

Life's got to always be messing with me. (You wanna see the light)
Can't they chill and let me be free? (So do I)
Can't I take away all this pain. (You wanna see the light)
I try to every night, all in vain... in vain.

Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You'll never see me fall from grace

Something takes a part of me."

Sheeps Clothing

I remember, somethime ago, I had conquered something. It took alot of hard work, and alot of patience and faith. But I did it. I remember the feeling it gave me, and how happy I was that I conquered it. I just never thought it would be back.

The most unbareable feeling of all, loneliness, is back. I sit here, just back from work where I closed the restaurant by myself, and I realise that everything I do seems to be in that manner; by myself. Everyday, while I talk amongst those I work with .... I've come to realise, people who don't really know me. People I don't really know myself.

But for the most part, I walk as an empty shell.

Its not that some'thing' is missing ... in fact, alot is missing.

I miss my family whom I'm missing out on so much on. I miss my friends back home, my mom and my dad, and all my neices and nephews that I never see. I miss being recognised. I hate being nothing but a speck of dust. I hate it that I don't matter. I hate being used.

I'm back ...

And there he stands, with his usual ball cap and leather vest; looking even more sexier than I remember.

He doesn't see me as he stands at the bar making conversation. And so I walk towards him. I walk knowing this time what it is I want. I walk, with no words to say, just action to do. I approach him, and hug him from behind.

My heart is speeding as I sigh onto the back of his neck, and I whisper "I'm back."

I imagine his reaction is stillness, he just stands there as I hold him again. Breathing heavily, I repeat, "I'm back, if thats ok with you."

I can feel his hair against my forehead, and the warmth of his husky body as its pushed up against mine. I'm holding on as tight as I can. I'm holding on, and I don't want to let go.



I don't get a response as I awake too soon.

Silence & Stillness

Lately I've been asked to close the restaurant. Normally I wouldn't do it because I don't believe in working overtime when you don't get paid for it. But this new kitchen manager seems to want to make things work and I've seen the hard work he's been putting in and the hard work of others. I just figure, I can help lessen their headaches, even if for just one night. Well, the one night is now three nights, and my social life has now gone to shit, lol. Not really .. but the weeks do go by alot faster and I do get my alone time that I desperately need.

Anywho, back to the point .... tonight, I closed. But tonight, was slow. So I managed to get out of the restaurant pretty early, still the last one out mind you, but it was early.

To pay homage to it, I ventured to a bar I used to frequent quite often; just to see who worked there and to have some time to myself before I went home. And as I sat there, reading the newest edition of the local gay paper "Gay Calgary", a patron walked up to me and asked if I would, for him, draw what it was I was thinking. I obliged after immediately realising that he didn't fully realise he was disturbing me. And so I drew. I drew pretty quickly, and for the most part absent-mindedly. I just wanted him to go away.

But as I withdrew from the drawing, I noticed I drew a landscape. Over the plains you can seen a mountain range with a clear sky up above; pretty simple drawing obviously with the mere moments it took to conjure it up, but my drawing nevertheless.

And as for what I was thinking ... the man who wanted it simply took it as I'm "a man who loves the outdoors". How much more simplistic can one get in regards to an analysis? Succeedingly I detered him away with a simple nod. Happy that I obliged with his "project", he teetered back to his bar stool and continued with his night. I stared up at the bartender as he read my facial expression and empathized with a shooting to his head with his fingers.

But it did get me thinking .. my drawing. It wasn't until moments ago that I finally realised what I drew. It wasn't my "love of the outdoors" that I was trying to express. No. Instead it was my longing for silence. For there was nothing indicating noise or chaos in my pic. Instead, it was a mere landscape; a pretty peaceful one if you ask me. It was the whole aesthetic nature of the thing that, I felt, was supposed to symbolize peace, my craving for stillness.

Not everyone gets it I'm sure. But it is a longing. A longing for everything to come to a standstill and just stop.

Halloween was halloween. After the funeral, I spent time with family before I had to be on the road again; mainly spent time with my mom. We cooked dinner quickly before the constant disruption of knocks at the door followed by "Trick Or Treat!". My older sis stopped by with my niece and her newest edition, a pup named Missy, and had dinner with us. In a family of 6 (more if you include their kids), it was still nice with just the three of us. We chatted about ourselves and about what was new over a roast chicken dinner, all the while handing out candies and treats to plenty of ghouls and goblins and princesses and animals alike, who arrived to our doorstep.

It seems to be custom to be constantly busy whenever I can make it home; little time to ever sit still.

Soon after dinner, my mom had her bingo itch and went off for the evening, leaving me to hand out whatever candies were left. I didn't mind, I was home; and by the this time my lil neice was already becoming quite a help (which quickly ended, evident by her constant hissing (literally) at trick-or-treaters, I thought she was in character at the time as she was dressed as a vampire with fake blood tearing from her eyes [which actually looked like a bad war paint job, lol]. But what else to expect from children.)

The candies were running low as my best friend showed up at the door in all smiles as his middle child, dressed as a pumpkin, softly called "Trick or Treat". They visited for awhile; followed by my aunt with her tribe of 3 boys (her own) and 3 grandkids (same age as her boys who are the children from her neice [my cousin, native families get complicated]). Nevertheless, the house got noisy as they screamed and "talked loudly" as one child professed when asked to stop shouting.

In a flash though, they all left to continue their evening and soon go home. Well, most anyways, as my aunts grandkids (my niece and nephews) were the only ones watching tv; apparently I was left to babysit. So much for my plans of leaving to visit more people that evening. Hours later their 'ride' would show up, and they were off.

It was nice though, the last time I seen them, they were just kids, barely able to speak a word. And now, there they stood speaking with appropriate grammar; as much as pre-teens could speak that is. Not a single diaper in sight. My how I've missed so much.

That evening I pretty much slept, thusly in doing so missing my bus back to calgary and rushing around the next day to catch another.

It was an odd Halloween this year. Definately one I didn't plan.

And so I rolled back home at 5:30 in the morning after leaving immediately after work the night before. Hours later I was awake again.

I hadn't really been home for awhile, and I felt somewhat guilty that the reason I was home was for a funeral. But nevertheless, I was home. My mom was asleep in her voice, my sis in hers, and two of my aunts asleep in the livingroom. I was home.

I had made it to the wake at my best friends house. I pulled up on the country road and parked on side as there was no parking anywhere near the house. Hundreds of people showed up to pay their respect for the passing of a great man. Old co-workers of mine were there; as well as long time friends I haven't seen for years. Many hadn't looked the same as when I had first left for college, but after a brief catch-up session, I had seen that many hadn't changed at all.

The relationships of long past were still evident for me. I had found old high school friends and hung with them for the majority of the wake, up until the procession at the burial site. And I hung around with one of my best friends to show her I still cared for her and loved her as I did in high school; for she was the one who had lost a father.

Throughout my entire visit, I remembered their family. How they interacted with each other, how they spoke, and their own distinct smile that only a family member could bring out. I was always envious of them. They always looked so happy.

My guess is that they knew that this may happen. For even now, they all seemed happy. Sure they were greiving for their lost loved one, and it showed; but a smile would still break out.

I miss home.