So quickly my mind jumps mounds of thoughts; realising this and that, realising tit for tat. Caught in an never ending web of chaos contrived in everyday papers. I jump, only to see each mound yanks me back to one intricate truth.

He's hurting, and I feel I can't help him. He's hurt, and I hurt.

Tit Humper = Buble'

Secret 7

teaser

I know, I remember a wee bit back I had mentioned that I preferred to be behind the camera .. and thats still true. BUT, I did find a way to post a cartoon pic of me. It pretty much sums it up of me.


AND onto other things ... I test drove a tattoo. Yeah yeah yeah sure, it was airbrushed, the next morning I washed it off ... but really I wanted to get a response on what people thought. Maybe it'll be permanent next time, who knows.

Numb - Linkin Park

This music video describes perfectly what I felt whilst in high school; a feeling that also followed me to college.

Music Video

This is perhaps one of the best music videos I have ever seen.

sicky

I'm sick .. it sucks.

I should have known something was up when at work I noticed a lump at the very end of my throat that was not letting me swallow food or drinks. It fuggin hurt everytime I tried.

Come 3 in the morning, I'm done my closing duties (finally), and I go home. Only to break out into a massive fever. Of course to me at the time, I wondered why the apartment was really cold. I sat on the sofa .. and started feeling a lil woozy ... yep, straight to bed. Only to awake in the morning and have every aroma in the apartment go straight to my gut and almost have me throw up.

At least I didn't have to go to work.

The lump in my throat is still there.

I forgot how good neo citrin could be.

Now if you'll excuse me, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is on.

Secret #6

Somewhere, tucked away in the apartment, is my black acoustic guitar that my mom bought me "for christmas" (it was meant as a Christmas gift that was actually purchased months later). I hadn't touch it in months. And its still missing a string one year later.

My original intent was to learn to play by ear, like my dad had done. I just didn't do it.

Evaluation: Work

Work .. sadly its all I can talk about these days. It seems to be the only I do. Work work work.

I got my employee evaluation today, I really didn't worry about it since I'm now heavily thinking about leaving. I even called back home to see if any jobs were available (home is three hours away and a very small town, its a big decision to make and one I'm really thinking about .. there are alot of factors to consider). So when I heard evaluations were being done, it didn't matter much to me anyways. Plus, it wasn't really a surprise when the new manager commented "One of the cooks/supervisors I don't really need to worry about." Not to stroke my own ego, but I'm one of the few that can carry my own weight and just get the job done without a huge debate about this and that. "Its a job, just get it done," thats what I think.

But I heard today that two of my favorite servors have put in their notice. There go two of the smart ones, and the smart ones are a few already. And while a few of us were talking about it, it slipped that two more are also going to put in their notice. Two more smart ones, gone.

Slowly and slowly, more and more revelations surface that push more closer to the door.

Really though, there is just too much bickering and talking behind peoples backs that simply listening to it all gets me tired. There are too many grown adults complaining and whining, it all hurts the head. This whole restaurant reaks of desperation just to stay afloat that even after its renovations are done there will be no difference like all had hoped. No, it won't change.

And I used to think that I was helping out the people who are really put in hard work to make this establishment work. But now, all I can think is that I really should just help myself and make a difference for me, (since the differences that I have been making have gone deeply unnoticed).

But where do I go? What do I do? (there is more to this thought I will post another day ...)

Secret # 5

It was a thing of beauty.

thursday

Mystery Trailer Causing Buzz

Gotta love it when production companies start a buzz. lol .. I guess, I really don't know. Thats me trying to sound all movie-like, like I'm in the biz or something.

Anyways, what I'm gettin at is movie trailers. When done correctly they can give the tingling feeling inside your chest, the feeling of anticipation; the feelings I got when I seen the X-Men trailer for the first time.

On saturday, I went and watched the Transformers movie. And let me just say this ... AWESOME! I mean, wow. Absolutely WOW. I'm going to see it again, on the big screen, again. Thats how much I loved it.

But for big block busters, I love the previews chosen. (yes, I'm one of those who love watching previews ... shh, don't tell anyone) And let me tell you, the trailer .. the mystery trailer that was unnamed, the one with the flying head of the Statue of Liberty, the trailer that caused thousands to run to the internet to find out what it is ... that one, I found it.

For a blockbuster disaster pic, its been produced on a modest budget (so they say, but when the trailer is in the style of a handheld camera, whose to deny that chance ...) And the cast consists of relatively unknowns. (But here's a lil trivia .. there is a girl on The Class, who also stared in Mean Girls with Lindsey Lohan, who has a part in this movie. Thats all I'll say.) And so far, there is lil info available regarding the premise of this new disaster flick. But, this just may be one case where you can judge a book by its cover since the trailer is simply awesome.


Thus far, info that is available on the net is calling this flick Cloverfield .. and if you want to see the trailer .. just click here.

UPDATE: Even the trailer provided by Apple.com is nameless and provides no premise. Instead the title given for the trailer is in fact its release date, January 18, 2008 (1.18.08). But it does offer a HD trailer .. and can be found here.

Back 2 Me

It was cold. The entire room was cold, and it felt good. It felt like I was at home again. A childs peace surged within me as I stepped onto the ice and glided to the center. It felt like I was floating. And there I stood, dead center of the ice rink as I glared at the stands surrounding me.

And I remembered. I could see once again my parents sitting in the stands, together, cheering me on; surrounding by other parents all cheering. It echoed throughout arena and I was exhilerated.

I pushed with one leg to the boards towards the penalty box, and followed them as they surrounded the ice. My skates glided along the ice in perfect harmony of the beating of my heart, and there I kept it; in sync with every beat. But with every stroke I took another preceeded it even more quickly. Faster and faster I skated along the boards of the rink, and the faster I went the more excited I got. Suddenly, I was child again.

Quickly I turned around, still heading in the same direction, skating backwards. And even backwards I lodged around the corners of the rink. And I stopped.

Catching a breath, I remembered what it was like as a tyke, holding the hockey puck behind the goalies net. Staring down at the opponents nets, your ultimate goal; and realising how to get there. The five opposing players stay fixated on you as your teammates set themselves up for a play. And theres no choice but for you to press on.

You make your way forward, dodging this player and that player, zigging left and zagging right all the while picking up speed. You never know what the opponent will do; whether they'll poke your hockey stick with theirs at an attempt to loosen the puck, or if they'll body check you to the ice like you just hit a brick wall. But your always ready, to pass the puck or simply press forward, your ready.

And I as I skated up along the ice, pretending to dodge this person and that person and ultimately make the winning goal, I savoured it. I missed it with all my heart and for once I was in my glory.

... It was another heavy sleep. The mintue I awoke I swore I just came back to life as all my muscles ached at slightest movement. I was hot in this summers sweltering heat. But I remembered.

Even in the summer time, I was off at hockey summer camp.

Soundtrack of My Life

Apparently the game is to grab your ipod, or open up your music library at least, and push shuffle for ALL your songs (not just playlists). For ever question, you push next and copy what your player plays. And so here, is my own soundtrack of my life.

opening credits:
So I Need You (acoustic), 3 Doors Down

waking up:
Board Meeting (Timbaland)

first day at school:Rain Down On Me, DJ Tiesto

falling in love:Hello Lonely (Walk Away From This), Theory of a Deadman

breaking up:Resurrection, PPK

prom:Home, Three Days Grace

life’s okay:Oceans, Pearl Jam

mental breakdown:Straight 2, Big River Cree (actual Pow Wow music of my heritage, … this is very odd and rather disturbing)

flashback:One Night in Bangkok (club Mix), Global Deejays

driving:The Knight Rider Duo Remix, Busta Rhymes ft, Magoo and Timbaland

getting back together:By My Side, Stat Quo (of the Eminem Re-Up cd)

wedding:Break Stuff, Limp Bizkit (lol .. too funny)

birth of a child:Crazy Bitch, Buckcherry

final battle:Supermans Dead, Our Lady Peace

death scene:Porch, Pearl Jam

funeral song:Through The Glass, Stonesour (how suiting … would be perfect has a funeral song)

end credits:Diseased, Seether
(lyrics actual start like this “Leave your mark under my skin, oh my how strong you are. And feast your eyes on my disdain, and hope this one won’t scar. I will never belong to you, again. I will never belong to you.")

Ok, so I have many MANY genres on my Ipod, but each are there for their own purpose and I simply like them all

You know I Had To

Find out which Transformer you are at LiquidGeneration!

Choices

Years .... years. Its amazing how one word can describe .. a lifetime. Years.

I haven't really looked back to where I was just three years ago, or anytime longer than that. I can't really decide if thats a good thing or not. But it has happened, years have passed.

One thing I do remember is that when I was still in college, I was wondering when something good would happen in my life. I realise now, that the greatest thing to happen in my life is that it started; I actually started living. Within the past two years, I have made choice after choice in regards to me. Some have been good, some have been bad. But choices were made.

And here I sit again, pondering even more choices.

I really can't go into more detail seeing as its late for me (for one thing) and that this kind of entry entails more detail on my own thinking and even more detail to communicate. Its a process.

Secret #4

I have many insecurities about myself, and I mean many. And trust me, if it isn't one thing, its another. Whether its my cheeks, my nose, my gut ... its always something. Therefore, I prefer to be behind the camera, which also means there are few pics out there with me in them.

(PS: excuse the burning cross on the tv in the background, was watching Bad Boys 2 at the time. I ended up switching the channel because it was edited ... damn TBS)

Been Awhile, Pics

It was the rodeo weekend here in Calgary .. and Damn! What I night! And what a story to tell. But that, I will save for later. I'm still organising and modifying some pics, but for now .. here's some eye candy.