The power of being Chosen

I essentially became selfish, living under the mantra that if no one was gonna choose me, then I needed to choose me. I was tired of being miserable, I was tired of feeling lonely and helpless. I was just tired.

We had a great few weeks together, finally coming together even though I was leaving for school. I wanted to talk about it, to talk about us. But it felt great just having him in my arms again, I didn't want to start a heavy conversation. He was in my arms and I wanted to keep him there. I wanted him to ask me to stay. I would have stayed if he had asked. I wanted him to want me. But I wanted HIM to want me because HE wanted to. I knew that if I told him to ask me to stay, it would always feel as if I did it all. Like I somehow manipulated the situation to work in my favor. I wanted him. I wanted to live with him. I wanted to have a dog with him. I wanted to spend christmas' and birthdays with him. I wanted to own a house with him. But I wanted him to WANT that too. And I cannot force that on him. Maybe its naiveity from me, but I felt that is was crucial for him to want it too, from his heart. He didn't ask me to stay.

In his defense, however, he knew I was coming here for school. And ever since we were first together, he knew how much I wanted to go to school. He knew it was a dream of mine to work in the film industry and make movies; who would want to get in the way of that?! Maybe he would have asked me to stay if I were moving for someone, instead of myself. Who knows...

I left. Its been 20 months since I left.