Much to post ... but lil time

And so for now .. pics will have to do

Time of Year prt 2

With my birthday here, and christmas around the corner, and new years next ... perhaps a vacation is in store.

Shadows everywhere

I've been plagued by dreams and feelings and ... hell even hallucinations (but fuck, that could be all me), everything telling me that ... where I'm at ISN'T where I should be.

Nothing makes sense now, and I feel that where I am now .... it never will.

What should I do?

Sunday

Thanks to a schedule change, I know have no days off this week. Oh well, pics like these keep me busy. AND, I know have weekends off, ... should be a first for a cook in the restaurant industry.

that time of year

Its that time of year ... December. And as per usual, I have mixed feelings about it. First off, my birthday is now 15 days away, and then Christmas, and then New Years .... I only have mixed feelings because everyone gets so sentimental this time of year; like a simple action is supposed to mean so much.

I really don't know if I even like christmas. My birthday ... that will be fun someday (if last year serves as a reminder). New Years ... is okay when you have people to spend it with, family is fun too.

Oh well, something shall happen .. something always does.

ON THE PLUS side, amidst this the usual shadows ... I get to find out what I really want (and necessarily can't pay for, lol).

Here are some hints.

A Cub with talent.

Well .. I attempted to post a link to a sexy cub who can sing and play guitar, and who also happens to be quite good at it. In fact, he's rendition of Hinder's "Lips of an Angel" is AWESOME.

Sadly, it did not work. But I did find another song he does. Hopefully this works.



YAY, It worked.

tried a song

apparently I can do this song at karaoke .... who knew?


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And you know what, this was the first song EVER that I attempted. It was in a karaoke booth, at the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas, and it was tapped. That tap is now in a land fill, in Vegas. It never left the hotel in my possession, lol.

Cleansing

Well, this posted ... lets see if I can fix and publish what I wanted to publish.

... MOVING ON ...

But, if I crack .. then I crack. Deal with it and move on.



ON TO OTHER ENTERTAINING ... er, um ... things.

Remember the days when Missy Misdemeanor Elliott was chubby? I do. And looking back at it now ... it really says much about her skill and presence as an artist when even a full figured woman can bust loose her skills and be successful. (of course, being friends with Sean Puffy Combs [aka, Puff Daddy, P Diddy, Diddy ... and whatever other names he'll utitize] doesn't hurt either)

Anyways, I remember those days. Back when pop was actually R&B, when you can cleary hear the difference between pop music, and rap, and hip-hop, and R&B; back when the genres weren't soo often used in mainstream that they can all literally mean the same thing.

And so .. to the point ... I found a song of her's. It brings be back to when I was a wee lad (remember, I am only 24).


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And why not .. some pics .... (and as per usual .. damn puter won't let me post some pics ... damnit. They'll be here soon ... I promise)

those days

Ever come across those days when I can't tell anyone anything? I'm there, right now. With everything of the new business (business partner, friends, people WANTING it open), and aspects of my work life right now .....

lets just say that I'm a pressured bottled. A bottle I KNOW will be opened very soon.

......... And I'm scared ..........

A good way to start the week

Fire And Rain - James Taylor (Dave Mathews Band Acoustic Version)

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(TAYLORS LYRICS)
Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things
to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I'd see you one more time again
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now

THE LAST STRAW

And so ... lately I've been finding myself trying and trying to find ways to save the business partners ass. I'm done. I'm know in a point where I want to screw his ass (no ... not in that way [but hey, thats why I love my audience]).

Lets just say that when I'm locked out of my own house (that I SOLELY pay rent for), its the last straw. Given what I know of his business practices, he pissed off the last guy we ever wants to piss off.

HINT HINT! I used to work for a law firm. This should get really interesting.

**** WRITTEN DAYS AGO ****

And so ... lately I've been finding myself trying and trying to find ways to save the business partners ass. I'm done. I'm know in a point where I want to screw his ass (no ... not in that way [but hey, thats why I love my audience]).

Lets just say that when I'm locked out of my own house (that I SOLELY pay rent for), its the last straw. Given what I know of his business practices, he pissed off the last guy we ever wants to piss off.

HINT HINT! I used to work for a law firm. This should get really interesting.

L O S T ... and finding my way through it all

Even while standing on a mountain you must watch your step.

Ever come across those days when you totally lost .. but it doesn't matter; cause all you know is that you have to do everything you can to save your own behind? I never have ... not until now at least.

The business isn't going so well. Turns out the business partner is using me, and using so many others as well. I don't know why, but I figured out that he hasn't inputed any equity ..... nevermind. No specifics ... I learned that lesson already. Let's just say he wants me to fix his problems ... problems in regards to the business that he initiated. Apparently I'm the stilts he walks on to walk so high.

So I'm to help him, after my chief investor has backed out. What made her back out? Simple, it took one conversation ... one conversation with my business partner. And now .. we have people demanding $$$.

Needless to say ... I'm lost in it all .. but doing what I can to save my own ass. I'm only 24 yrs old ... I don't need this.

The Mountaintop

Just goes to show how much time I spend on the net these days, seeing as I haven't updated in a long time. And so .. here's the jist, about EVERYTHING.

Ever realise that the ground your standing on is actually a mountain? Suddenly you can see clearly where you stand; you can see clearly where your coming from; and for once you can see clearly the possibilities that lie ahead; you see all paths because your that far up. Your still as confused as you can ever be, but you know your just you.

Everything with the business is driving me nutts. Stress is at an all time high with time and resources at an all time low. Working full time and only have one or two days to get stuff done ... its really hard. Especially with a business partner who quit work completely to work full time on this project. MOVING ON ....

Work is work .. just like any other restaurant. Management cares for no one but themselves, and are completely dumbfounded as to why the restaurant (their's, not mine) is failing. But co-workers are great (most of them, minus most serving staff [they ain't the brightest bunch, but I guess thats what happens when your hired for your looks and not experience]).

Ran into an ex. Haven't seen him for awhile; and I was rather surprised to hear about a few things. But at the same, he's getting more of what he wanted than what he could from me (hello leather community, its me .. your admirer). And of course, I must mention that the current beau was mad at me, for 'leaving and forgetting' about him all the while I mingled a leather night at the Calgary Eagle.

To that, all I can say is this, "I'm sorry if my life doesn't revolve around you". Perhaps I'll say that in person one day. I just feel that if I'm going to go around and chat with people, play pool and all in all have a good time (not in that sense [and thats why I like my audience]), then .... well, still organising my thoughts on that one. Lets just say, that for someone whose attached to my hip, for someone I see everyday, for someone involved in everything I do ... I don't get how he can be upset when I don't see him for 30 minutes, one night, in a bar with all our friends around. I don't get it. At least he knows that I don't get it.

Like I said, I'm on a mountain ... I can see all around me. And I can still only take it all day by day.

AND NOW ... some pics. (apparently I can't upload pics on this ... that sucks ... lets try some tuneage)


... damn, that ain't workin either ... going to have to come back and update another day.

NEED HELP .....

... and no, I don't mean the business (with that, I could use alot [but I can do alone with my business partner, some help is alway appreciated though ;-) ]).

What I mean, is that my boyfriend (I ain't talkin much about this, don't wanna jinks it with all that happened with the last two) ....

ANYWAYS .. he made me a CD. And I, for the life of me, CANNOT figure out who sings it, or what its called.

PLEASE HELP ... (linked below)


Track02.cda
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I'm a dick ...

Topic of todays post .... I'm a dick! Can it git any simpler?

Reminicsing (is that how you spell it?)

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Opps, forgot ....

You know .. with so much going on these days, it has literally taken me til last minute to realise that I'm going to Vancouver. *blank stare* I'm actually fucking going to fucken Vancouver. VANCOUVER.

When do you ask? Simple, in 9 hours.

I'M GOING TO VANCOUVER! ... I've never been before. What is one to do if you haven't been there?

Sad part is, one portion (one I've really been looking forward too) is that the road trip from there to Seattle has been cancelled. That sucks.

Oh well, Vacation, here I come.

Elvis has left the building

I know I've said it before, and god knows I'll say it again, but I'm shuttin down. Slowly but surely I feel it coming. With so much to do in such little time and even littler resources to do it (let alone cash), I just don't have time to oblige myself with other peoples jealousy and envy, and hatred and backstabbing, and the wannabe butch's continually puttin up a front; pretty much all the people who want to get a rise out of me or those seeking something from me.

I ain't shuttin down because of my own shit (and god knows I have much of it), I'm shuttin down to save my own sanity from other peoples games.

THANK GOD for this blog, though. I'll still be here.

And the light bulb is lit.

And so trust is slowly meaning nothing these days. *ponders a epiphany* And I wonder why I'm not liking alot of people I meet.

GIT!

I've come to find that I'm gettin bitter with people, and that pretty much applies to most I meet. And its always something, whether I'm hearing the same shit over and over again, gossip here and there, or someones incessant whining; I can pretty much find something wrong with someone.

But I never used to be this way. I've always enjoyed people and their individuality, and the uniqueness that is them. Nowadays, all I hear is the nagging and whining thats reminiscent of Charlie Brown.

Its just politics and politics and politics. It almost feels like I can't even go out anymore.

With a select few, absolutely ... going out with them is always a great night for me. But then, I'm just surrounded with people at the bar that I'm annoyed with (not the peeps I'm actually with).

And I don't know what to do. I'm tired.

I'm going to bed.

Fake Interest

Fake interest is bullshit. Pardon my language, but really ... it is. And thusfully so sums up my entry here. As mentioned, I'm opening up a restaurant and bar. Me and my partner that is (business partner). And we've reached a point where rumors are starting to circulate. Now, I must mention that I have expected as much ... just not so soon.

I now have people who have NEVER paid me the time of day to get to know me, asking me how I've been and yadda yadda yadda. People wanting something, without actually saying it. And what am I to do?

Pretty much nothing. I take it as it comes and express whats actually going. In lamens terms ... I'm telling them that their "sources" don't know shit. Cause I don't know shit.

Either way ... I have people that I have seen for the past year and a half (its been that long since I moved here) paying me more attention than usual. Normally I myself would like it (I'm selfish in that regard), had it not been the reason behind it.

Thusfully, fake interest = KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. And if now, ask yourself ... have you ever done something to make you known in my books. Answer = Yes you have ... and trust me, it ain't good.

PS: This entry does not go out to ALL people, just to most.

Word to the wise

Never blog immediately after getting home from the bar. Especially when drunk.

I'm BACK .. again

And so ... I'm back. After a long hiatus ... completely unplanned .. but such happens when life happens. For the avid reader, I apologise. For the random surfer, I apologise. But mostly for myself, I apologise. Ya see .. this blog is my venting tool. A place for me to be me and not worry about judgement from anyone. A place where I can shout in frustration or just be silly stupid. Either way .. this is my place. This is me. And I've neglected it lately. And so ... for everyone, (including he who is I) I apologise.

MOVING ON ....

Work is work. Overworked and underpaid for a restaurant that does not beleive in paying overtime. A place that pushes employees away with no gimmick of keeping them let alone attracting them. A restaurant that beleives big money and renovations will attract more customers and influence money flow (sadly they are wrong). Lets face it, a facelift rarely affects attitude. And there's SOO much attitude in this place. Makes me wonder .. why do I still work there? Whatever.

I'd like to say more ... but I won't at this time. For now .. here's some pics. All ya'll take care.


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TGIF ... again

Cat's Out of the Bag; And all is Out

SITUATION ! ! !

Okay ... as most of my avid readers know (if they're still reading), I have a tendency to vent. I'm okay with that .... judge me if you want cause I really don't care. This is my way of taking care of myself .. when I find myself in circumstances where I cannot talk to anyone ... this is what I do.

ANYWAYS ... here's the thing. I'm opening up a restaurant and bar. Thats right, I'm starting my own business with a good friend of mine here in Calgary, Alberta. Why? CAUSE WE NEED IT. ... ... ... plus ever since I was kid, I always wanted my own restaurant/bar. So .. the jist .. new gay bar here in Calgary, Alberta, Canada (just to see what that picks up for google [Free Marketing = YAY!])

When we first approached the idea of this new venture, we decided it was going to be hush hush. And thusfully, I kept up with my end of the bargain. All was quiet even though the stress was taking me to OVERLOAD (business aspects that I will not go into detail) and friends and all were asking me where I've been and why am I so tired. I needed to vent, but I kept quiet. For me, I will not speak until all is well.

But now, here I sit .. venting again to an anonymous audience (a pic will be posted one day, I promise) the frustrations that plague my mine.

BACK TO TOPIC; I was approached tonight. Someone I had known for the past year and a half, came up to me. He "heard" that I was opening up a bar. And in a drunken stupor decided to go on and on about why he's leaving his restaurant (gay owned and operated) and what he can do for another establishment within the community. TACKY can we say ... just a bit.

What gets me is that he's apart of the circle of friends that my business partner is close with. AND, I learned from my new guy that my business partner has been "talking". So much for hush hush ... apparently his word is fuck all (or I could just be angry at the moment).

What gets me, is that I was once in this scenario before; being approached by people I knew (not necessarily friends but more aquintances than anything else), and suddenly being given more attention than they would have ever given me. (I was rich once, and I lost it all) I know the drama and the unnecessary stresses it adds by people who want something just because of who they are and how they are "connected". By all means ... I should NOT have dealt with this, especially given the "hush hush" treatment by the business partner who continually tells me its all "hush hush", and who will also tell people who are friends of mine that its all "hush hush". Where's the fairness in that?

I honestly don't know what to make of this. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later ... but never should it happen when I'm in a competitors establishment and having a good time (a competitor known to discriminate [he's followed me around becuase I'm native] and since our place isn't open yet, and there's limited places to go in this city.) Is all this really necessary for me, for the one who kept up his end of the deal?

Bye Bye Writers Block

A fork in the road ... well I've reached many. And yet I stand there, pondering the best choice both for myself ... and that of other persons; for one thing I made a promise, a choice .... but the opposite would be my own mental health. When one choice is made, it takes a strain that no one can bare ... and yet I bare it; alone. And with the other choice, I hurt someone ... and still I bare that alone. And do these choices exist alone .... no they do not. They are only few of the many that exist at the moment. And every choice requires so much from me ... that there is no escape. Always a choice; and always a consequence. And with each choice and each consequence ... I hurt. I hurt no matter what.


I guess my writers block as come to an end.

Writers Block

Oh the incessant need to write something, and nothing comes. Which sucks. Oh well, here are some pics that would tied ya over.

WTF?!

WHOA WHOA WHOA ... WHERE'D THE PICS GO? Damnit ... oh well. I'll try again. And if nothing .. then, blame this piece o shit pc. Apple is soo much better. I've done so much with that apple. So easy to use and quick too. Oh why oh why did that firm have to can me. I mean really? What did I do? ... nevermind, don't answer that, lol. I remember (he says as he drinks his rum and coke), lol.

Anyways, here's tempt Number two.






TAA DAA .. AND IT WORKS. WOO HOO!!!

I'M BACK ! ! ! !

my my my how time flies when life throws you curve ball after curve ball.

And with that said .... I'M BACK! WOO HOO!!!

And yes, there is no new element to the blog in that I just haven't had time to learn new shit. For one thing, to do so would require me to be on the internet as often as I once was. Sadly, this just isn't so.

But, here I am ... silly ol methodical, logical, irrational, selfish, ol me. Well, I'm not those things all the time ... just add the opposite of that you'll get the well rounded portion of me. Just depends what day.

ANYWAYS ... UPDATE.
1. Numerous jobs in a short period of time. Won't go into detail, but I will say this .. working for bitter, whiny old women (not being sexist, but she was a woman) is NOT the best way to go. A word of advice for her "DEAL WITH IT ... and move on."

2. Lost a family member. May he rest in peace. Once again won't go into detail. Let's just say that the poem "Death of an Innocent" holds more truth these days.

3. Working with the roommate at a restaurant. Good times, since he's a manager and usually works til close. Its a blast.

PS: I actually like the job. Bad pay, but I like it. Tells me what I need to know for the restuarant / lounge I WILL own one day. And oh yes, I will own it.

Thus far .. thats all I can think of. But if I continue to write more, I'm sure you'll learn more. Peace out all ... til next time .. enjoy these pics.

Want to Jump?

Sometimes you just want to jump. Sometime just peering over the edge and seeing the world below makes ya wanna spread your wings and fly. I want nothing but air around me. No more noise. No more pollution. No more strangers. Just lay my head in the clouds and sleep. I wanna feel the warmth of the shiny sun and I just lay back and breathe. I wanna take that daring leap, that risky leap that proves to be successful. I just wanna jump.

UPDATE

And the hunt continues. Which is kind of odd and suiting since I always feel like I'm on the hunt for something, even though have the time I don't know what it is I'm actually looking for. Meh, such is life for I.

So anyways, I did land a job awhile back. I was a cook for Boston Pizza .. for a day. Ah yes, the thrill of proportioning pasta and making sure that everything is perfect. Sure, would have been a job I liked, but I went and did something unexpectedly. I quit. The next day I was to work early in the morning (its early becuase I'm never up that early), and while half asleep, I called work and quit. lol Lets just say I do odd things and say odd things and say odd things while asleep. Add that motor skills ... I'm bound to do shit. So yeah, I quit while half asleep and remembered it as a dream. I awoke after that, hours later, and when I realised what time it was I remembered "the dream".

I've never gone back there since, lol.

Offly enough though, that same say I finally got a hold of a company I was trying to work for for many months now. They called, and arranged and interview. Had I been at work, I never would have got the call. So I guess it all worked out. Even though I'm still unemployed and broke at the moment, and rent is due.

I can go on and on about whats been happening, but lets just say that there is still no light at the end of the tunnel. But no worries, I'm still looking for it. For now, I'll just take baby steps in this tunnel with my one match for light.

Take care.

Turn the page ...

And suddenly its not so bright anymore. The sun shines in full force, raining is rays over the city; letting the civilians know that spring is here and summer is soon. And yet, I still feel the cold breeze of winter.

As buds blossom and the spring styles walk down the street, I still see a world of grey. I know that spring beauty is there. I just can't see it.

Instead I'm weighed heavily and more tired than usual.

The story has taken a sudden shift. And still, I turn the page.

Whats up?

So, what do you do when your roommate, boyfriend, and best friend, keep asking you "whats wrong"? Especially when you don't think that anything is wrong.

Apparently I'm acting differently these days. Personally, I don't see it, I really don't. But its there, and there for other people to see. And I'm thinking that those I'm close too are worried about it. But I still don't see what it is they're talking about. I really don't.

So anyways .. figured I'd post something. Just keep this blog thing going.

Adios for now

As many of my avid reader may have noticed, there has been no postings for a week. Exactly 7 days have gone by and nadda is coming out. Well, this may be the case for quite awhile.

On monday, I lost my job. And I have no prospects for another just yet, and I have no money saved up. (And you would think that the whole roommate fiasco awhile back would have taught me that lesson *rolls eyes*).

And so, excuse for me a bit as I venture on yet another new chapter of this crazy incessant rollercoaster ride I call life. I'll be back soon ... I hope.

Adios, for now.

Row - Day - Yo (Rodeo)

Oddly enough its reminiscent. Who knew the smell of horse menure would bring a sense of nostagia? But it does. As I stroll into the Rodeo, the first of the season, I'm bombarded with memories of home. I can see quite vividly the fair grounds of the annual stampede. I can smell the mouthwatering flavour of vendor hotdogs and mini donuts. I'm half expecting to run into someone I know I'm so drawn in memories.

I continue through the crowd of tight wrangler wearing cowboys looking for beer, for seeing these gorgeous men chug back their plastic cup of ale drives me thirsty. And as I zig and zag through the sea of manly men in search for ale, I'm continuously distracted by bulges and curves. How odd that I remember not cruising these men back home.


I approach the bar, order my drink and pay the tired woman behind the counter. I go and find my seat.

Since alone, I find a portion of the seating area with the least spectators. And there, I watch the rodeo. I see strapping young men mount their horses and partake in the western festivities; roping cattle, riding broncs, riding bareback, cattle steering, all the while dropping their cowboy hats along the way or getting thrown off the stallion. All very entertaining, all very welcoming.

I still find it odd that it all brings back a sense of nostalgia, especially considering that fact the I never actually watched a Rodeo back home. And yet, here I am, enjoying the company of many a stranger.

Another one FREE ...

Anyone remember Chris Kanyon? From WWE? NO. What about from WCW (that's no longer in existence)? No. What about from TNA (Total Nonstop Action, not that other thing that str8 boys giggle and gawk at)? Not ringing any bells? No worries, I too vaguely remember him. And I mean VERY VAGUELY remember him. But, had I known back in 1995, when Kanyon shone brightly in spotlight up until 2005, then it might have been a different story. Reason being, he's gay.

Thats right, a reknowned Wrestling superstar (up for debate if you ask me) has come out of the closet. Published on OutSports' website (www.outsports.com) is an exerpt of Kanyons first interview since coming out. That article was published on said website March 31, 2006.

Now, Kanyon's career as a wrestler is questionable to me ONLY for the fact that I've been out of the wrestling loop for a LONG TIME. But nevertheless, Kanyon has been known to associate with the likes of Diamond Dallas Page, Bam Bam Bigelow and wrestled against the likes of WWE superstar's "The Undertaker" and "Kane". Credibility no longer questioned.

Anyways, if I had known then what I know now aspect of this post. What would my life have been like if I had a gay wrestler to look up too? As a wrestling fan (not necessarily a fanatic, but a fan nonetheless) who happen to be gay, I don't think I was more isolated and more forced into the closet, than in any other sport. (although, hockey is right up there). And so with the news that a wrestler who has wrestled in the WWE, I can't help but wonder what it would have been like.

Either way, Kris Kanyon, congrats. I honestly mean that, to be able to come out of the closet while partaking in wrestling is very courageous and very honorable. Congrats. And if anyone gives you any crap for it, just suplex them.

Brief tidbits to keep your attention:

- TNA banned Kanyon from attending a PPV event (due to "technical legalities", according to TNA; must also be stated he was banned after coming out during a match with TNA)
- Kanyon played the stunt double for Oliver in Ready To Rumble which stared David Arquette and Sting



For more infor on Kanyon, you may visit his MSN MySpace at:
http://www.myspace.com/chriskanyon

Or check out Outsports.com [linked to the right]

Updated "Most Comments" via Flickr

not much to post (or posts are just to incoherent to publisb)

And so, here is an update on my flickr.com album. The following pics are the Top Most Commented as of today, April 5, 2006.

Does Anyone ....

Does anyone realise that at the first hour and three seconds passed the second minute (01 hr:02 min:03 sec), that the official date was

01:02:03 04/05/06


This won't happen again until the year 2106.