Inner Flames Doused

Going after the dream .. leaving all logic and rationale behind in pursuit for that one thing that will make you the most happiest person in the world. Sadly, such a dream can only ever be realised by a few.

For the past few years I've contemplated in pursuing my childhood dream or accepting logic and rationale. And as usual, the thinking process alone is a seesaw in that I either teeter to the left or to the right knowing fully well that I will never get both. Of course this is something I've known for a long time. Something I've accepted many a time .. yet still can't decide on whether I'm leaning to the left or to the right.

But I can't help but feel for those who still don't realise, and for those who choose the dream against logic.

Canadian Idol auditions were this past weekend.

And ever since the first American Idol aired, I knew that someday my country of Canada would someday follow suit, and right then I knew I wanted to be apart of it. However, year after year would pass and I could never make it to one audition .. and so year after year I would swear that 'this year' I would audition. This year, my chance came.

Now, I like singing, and have been complimented by it many a time. Does this mean I should be the next Canadian Idol? Nah, I don't think so. But to be on tv, sure .. why not. But knowing society, especially in regard to pop culture and the essence that is considered cool ... I don't fit the paradigm. And so I was just happy to make it to an audition. And it was while watching other hopefuls go through the process, I was saddened that childhood dreams can be crushed in the span of a few minutes. The hearts that were broken, the hopes that were diminished ... suddenly plunging from the hopeful sky to the gravity burdened earth below, many were turned away ... even ones with phenomenal talent. And there I was, just happy to be there.

You see, I didn't even pass the first preliminary audition .. the audition in front of producers who decide your worthiness of camera time or not. I had kind of hoped that I would make it, but I was having voice problems since morning and I couldn't recover from it fast enough ... but I did it anyways. Just for the sake of doing it, cause in the end, you just never know. And if I didn't make it, fine; at least I would know the process for next year.

But there are those who knew with all their heart that they would make it. You could see it in their faces, in the voices, in their body language. They exuded a confidence that could only exist because of a childhood dream; and to see the their saddened faces as they left the audition rooms, the inner flame doused, I couldn't help but wonder ... "is it better to have felt that inner flame, to dream a childhood dream, only to have it doused? Or is it better to face and embrace logic and rationale at an early age?" I myself don't know. Like I said, I was just happy to audition, and besides, I had only learned this year that I actually could sing. Unless I have those kind of friends who can't say anything negative to their friend.

Nevertheless, I was happy just to audition. There was always something getting in the way of me taking that first step, and this year .. although proved disappointment, there was nothing in the way. So why not take it?