Letting It Be: The Day I Knew

The day I knew. As I've read coming-out story after coming-out story, I've noticed a particular motif that seems to be a signature moment for all closeted individuals; that act of standing in front of a mirror and trying to say to yourself "I'm gay." I am one who does not fall into this category. I did not need a literal mirror for inner reflection. Instead .. it was the sound of music that triggered the epiphany. The harmonizing notes of synthesized music helped me understand the differentness that was I. It may have been late in life or it may have been soon. Or it may just be the moment I cared about it and knew it would change everything I knew. Whatever the case .. its my moment.

It was one of those days where your content. Your neither happy nor sad nor mad. Your just you, and thats okay. You could find yourself sitting alone or sitting in a crowd, but where ever you are you realise you just are. You recognise your own existence in the greater world around you, and oddly enough you find a soothing sense of peace. And so you don't rush it, or push it away .. you just let it be.

I was 'letting it be' while driving in my 4x4 GMC Sierra listening to the soundtrack of Nutty Professor 2. And it was just me. I didn't need to escape anything nor was I stressed by everyday inconveniences. It was just me and the world in harmonizing sequence. I was a mere speck of dust in the grand universe and when looking within I realised that I was a universe as well. A smile of comfort stretched across my face.

I pulled up to a four way stop and patiently awaited an elderly woman crossing the street. No doubt the vehicles behind me were impatiently gripping the steering wheel, this I knew but I did not rush. My destination will still be there. But I looked at the elderly woman as she caught a glimpse of me .. and we both smiled. She crossed, I sped through.

While soaking up the scenery of the open road whilst I travelled to the closest city, the song changed. Janet Jackson's "Doesn't Really Matter" was now blaring through the speakers of my extended cab as I continued my journey. And the words hit me like a bag of bricks.

"Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing,
Cause I'm in love with the inner being,
And it doesn't really matter what they believe,
What matters to me is you're in love with me "

I thought deeply about the song that was playing as I drove down the highway and thought "someday you'll feel these words for your man. Someday you'll have a boyfriend." Being a drifter in the great universe that is my mind, I wholly did not comprehend what I just thought. For I was in a moment of just being myself. All thoughts would come and go as I revelled in my own existence. And so the song ended. I turned off the stereo and drove in silence. I stared down the highway and looked beyond the horizon before me and throught quite vividly "your gay." I smiled and continued forward.