And I haven't seen him since. It gets kind of tiring knowing you like someone but they are never to be found. It definately sucks knowing you like someone but you only get a chance to see them once a week, twice if your lucky, and its mostly done by chance. What REALLY sucks in knowing they really like you too. And What REALLY REALLY sucks is actually making this whole situation, even though it gets me feeling lonely and wanting so much more, and turning it all around into a positive experience.
Why do I not see my crush? Simple, he's established, grounded. Whereas I'm not. I just moved here to Calgary and therefore don't really have any friends to call over for a beer or something. I don't have friends to go to a movie with or out to the bar with (and I mean going over to a friends place and starting there). No. Instead I have aquaintances. People I see from time to time and always out at the bar. The only time I'm with people I know is because we casually run into each other while on a night out. The only routine I do have is karaoke a few times a week, which usually results in drinking. And with this, I'm fine. Because it tells me I'm not alone and that people do enjoy my company, even if it is while in a drunken stupor. I mean, it could definately be so much worse. Total Loneliness is something I've felt before and wish to never feel again.
But, back to the point. When I think about my crush, the guy I'm totally digging at the moment, I think in terms of what do I have to offer. I look at him, and see him and see what he does, and chat with his friends ... I mean for someone to work and DJ (both fixed gigs and whatever he sets up on the side) and to have so many friends who know exactly who he is and have something positive to say about him ... well that just tells me he has a life. And I look around at what I'm doing ... well, I don't do as much as he.
Intimidating? Yes, at times. But I also know that it just takes time. I'm still on a road to self discovery. So many interests like photography and learning to play my guitar and realising that my writing is coming back, well theres so much I need to learn for myself. And I'm finally in a situation where I can nuture it. So, as much as I would LOVE to be with the man, perhaps I just need to take this time and just be with myself.
Is this the right thing to do?
