How to Fall Asleep

I prayed last night. Its the first time I prayed in a long time. I last time I prayed I was so close to packing everything up and going to that piece of shit town I call home. Yeah, as you can see I despise home. But everything was looking that way; roommate up and left, ex got scared and left and I was so fucking broke in just keeping the roof over my head that I had no money for food. But I prayed, and a good friend was looking for a place to stay and so he moved in and things have been great since.

But I prayed. I prayed over and over again until waking up in middle of the night realising I just prayed until I fell asleep. I fell asleep, praying. And here I sit, at work in a 'mood', but still wondering what it was I was praying for.

Happy Monday

Crazy Wild weekend .. I loved it.

TV AGAIN ... YAY!

FINALLY WATCHED AMERICAN IDOL, and I mean finally. I haven't television until just yesterday. Do naturally, what do I do ... I go out, buy me some popcorn, return home; jump into some shorts and chillaxe on the couch. Nice peaceful day all by my lonesome, and I didn't even mind it.

There's a lot of shows I've been missing that I now must catch up on. Smallville, Supernatural, American Idol (missed the auditions, damnit), ER (thought provoking and heart wrenching at times), Grey's Anatomy, My Name is Earl (watched in a bar once, tv was on mute and I was still laughing away) ... so many.

Anyways, finally watched American Idol, and as a singer a myself (I try) was immensely curious as to who made it. And man oh man did my heart race when I saw Chris for the first time. WOOF!And when he sang "Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi ... omigod. He's totally gonna win, I KNOW IT. Anyone think otherwise, step up!

F.F.: Profiles (also called "Ain't He Cute?")

Ok ok ok, I know today is supposed to be the Friday Fetish feature ... and I do have some to cover, especially to make up for last weeks F.F. series. And therefore, I've been racking my brain to trying to find a way to post this post and still follow suit with the FF series. And therefore, FF: Internet Dating (or just online communities and profiles). And I think in the future I'll post profiles from various sites of guys who I think are interesting or just darn right sexy, and if I'm lucky are actually both.

N E WAYS ... Gotta love the internet, especially in regards to pictures. Awhile back in January, I posted some pics of some hot men in a post entitled "woof" [linked in headline]. Anyone remember this pic?I sure do, couldn't get the image out of my head for some time. I just have a thing for sweet and endearing pics. I mean, look at him. Ain't he cute? He looks so sweet. Just makes ya want to lay right next to him, carefully stroking his chest, watching his chest move up and down as he breathes in his sleep. So damn cute. N E WAYS, I stumbled upon him. I actually found a profile of him over at another site. And all I can say is GOD DAMN! Not only is he cute .. but damn he is HOT!

Nice guy too, seems to be very laid back and easy going, and as you can tell by his profile, a go getter too as he's in school to be a Pharmacy Technician. But, too bad he's in the states and I'm here in Canada, honestly thats just to bad for me. But for anyone in Pennsylvania ... hop to it. This hot bear is looking to meet other professionals from around the world. As for me, all I have to do is enroll in law school, live of Kraft dinner for the next couple of years and say goodbye to what social life I have, plus what money I have; bring on more debts as I finish law school and badda boom badda bing I'm in to be 'eligible' to meet him, lol.



BTW, with his permission I've been able to post other pics of him and his profile over at bear411.com

UPDATE!!!!!!!
I was wrong, he's not studying to be a Pharm Tech. He's just informed me that he's studying to be a Doctor of Pharmacy (PharmD). Gotta love guys with high goals and the determination to get it.

I love his hat, and hit tattoo ... and his dogtags, and his chest and his ...

"What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk?"

"I'm gonna gonna get you drunk, get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump."

No flowers, no pictures!

This looks like the happiest photo shoot in the world. Smile!

The Morning After

I awoke to find him next to me, arm wrapped around like he used to do. It brought back a sense of nostalgia. Quickly I look at the clock; 8:00am. Perfect timing. I move his arm, get up and stretch and make the morning coffee that I know he would like. As cold as the floor is, as well as the winter air, I make my way to the kitchen; and when done go back to the comfort of my warm bed. There I sleep for a few more minutes.

I realise at that moment, just as I had the night before, that this is the first time he's seen my apartment since we broke up. He had been over once before, for a weekend to look after me while I was sick, but even then I lived alone and didn't have much. Now, with my roommate in the next room, the ex can see how much of a home it finally looks like. I remember how impressed he was the minute the front door opened, and how wide eyed he got upon entering the livingroom (of course, a 51' inch widescreen tv would do that). "Nice, nice" he repeated over and over again. And when seeing something he liked, it was always "I love that." And being the smart ass that he is, upon seeing the microwave, he commented "moving up in the world, ain't we?" He opened the fridge and still the smart ass, commented "... still empty." All I could do was smile.

We laughed a bit at Family Guy, has a smoke together, and ended up in bed. It was a good night, reminding me of who he was (and always has been), and who I was before everything that happened happened. And now, here we were, friends again.

I awoke again, still cold from the winter mornings air, and got up and showered and got ready for work. All the while he had his coffee and was making me a cup.

As I was tying my shoes at the front door, the roommate awoke and walked out of his room. And upon seeing my ex had said "Hey CJ."

... My ex's name isn't CJ.

Inner Flames Doused

Going after the dream .. leaving all logic and rationale behind in pursuit for that one thing that will make you the most happiest person in the world. Sadly, such a dream can only ever be realised by a few.

For the past few years I've contemplated in pursuing my childhood dream or accepting logic and rationale. And as usual, the thinking process alone is a seesaw in that I either teeter to the left or to the right knowing fully well that I will never get both. Of course this is something I've known for a long time. Something I've accepted many a time .. yet still can't decide on whether I'm leaning to the left or to the right.

But I can't help but feel for those who still don't realise, and for those who choose the dream against logic.

Canadian Idol auditions were this past weekend.

And ever since the first American Idol aired, I knew that someday my country of Canada would someday follow suit, and right then I knew I wanted to be apart of it. However, year after year would pass and I could never make it to one audition .. and so year after year I would swear that 'this year' I would audition. This year, my chance came.

Now, I like singing, and have been complimented by it many a time. Does this mean I should be the next Canadian Idol? Nah, I don't think so. But to be on tv, sure .. why not. But knowing society, especially in regard to pop culture and the essence that is considered cool ... I don't fit the paradigm. And so I was just happy to make it to an audition. And it was while watching other hopefuls go through the process, I was saddened that childhood dreams can be crushed in the span of a few minutes. The hearts that were broken, the hopes that were diminished ... suddenly plunging from the hopeful sky to the gravity burdened earth below, many were turned away ... even ones with phenomenal talent. And there I was, just happy to be there.

You see, I didn't even pass the first preliminary audition .. the audition in front of producers who decide your worthiness of camera time or not. I had kind of hoped that I would make it, but I was having voice problems since morning and I couldn't recover from it fast enough ... but I did it anyways. Just for the sake of doing it, cause in the end, you just never know. And if I didn't make it, fine; at least I would know the process for next year.

But there are those who knew with all their heart that they would make it. You could see it in their faces, in the voices, in their body language. They exuded a confidence that could only exist because of a childhood dream; and to see the their saddened faces as they left the audition rooms, the inner flame doused, I couldn't help but wonder ... "is it better to have felt that inner flame, to dream a childhood dream, only to have it doused? Or is it better to face and embrace logic and rationale at an early age?" I myself don't know. Like I said, I was just happy to audition, and besides, I had only learned this year that I actually could sing. Unless I have those kind of friends who can't say anything negative to their friend.

Nevertheless, I was happy just to audition. There was always something getting in the way of me taking that first step, and this year .. although proved disappointment, there was nothing in the way. So why not take it?

Swaggering

The retching smell of weeks old body odor nearly nailed me to the floor the first time I past him. Nauseating, head-ache inducing, dizziness causing; the perfect first impression if one wants to be remembered for life. I remember passing him vividly through the Plus 15, a series of walkways connecting all of downtown Calgary. I was almost at work as I started approaching him, and knew instantly that we was walking to nowhere. His swagger indicated directionless, just walking. From a distance I could see the dirt on his pants as he swaggered left and right, hands in pockets and head bowed. He wore a zipped up navy blue hoodie with the hood covering his head. And as he continued heading in my direction, he seemed to be unnoticed by everyone else who passed him, and worse .. he probably knew it.

Of course, in the Plus 15, the walkways are literally a second home for lawyers and CEO's and System Administrators. The Plus 15 is where the upper and middle class of society gather so that they do not have to walk the streets below. A perfect getaway from panhandlers and the homeless asking for cigarettes.

I saw him for a brief moment and then continued on my thinking as to what my plans were for that evening. I hadn't approached him yet, but knew that when I did he'd probably ask for some spare change, and I would do what I usually do; pretend to be in deep thought and look as if I hadn't heard him. Step by step we inched closer as I prepared myself for the moment I would ignore, and as I anticipated his begging upon our initial approachment; the body odor of complete hopelessness pushed me aside. After our passing, it was all I could think about.

This happened months ago.

I passed him again yesterday, wearing the same clothes, swaggering the same swagger. The smell of weeks old b.o. isn't as present as it first was ... but nevertheless his demeanor of dispair is still clearly there.

And one thing I had notice from our first initial meeting, and one thing that continues to this day when I pass him in the halls is that he doesn't ask for anything.

F.F. Roughness

So, I had this whole intention to post todays F.F. series on ones fetish with the military. I had picks and all ... but I almost forgot that yesterday I said I would post a pic I found for the ex, something I know he would like. And now, I feel I must incorporate said pic with todays F.F. post.

ROUGH SEX. Taking (or giving) it nice and hard and ruff. At times, ain't nothing better than a Ruff Guff being all aggressive and shit. mmmm mmmm. So how did I come up with this. SImple, this pic plus the ex's comment that my friends bf should just push him to ground and keep him there by stepping on his chest with his boots (not shoes .. boots). Ah yes, I love leather men. Anyways this pic started it all ....

*** UPDATE ***
And unfortunately I could not find it ... sorry ya'll (sorry bud). Lets just put it this way, the angle was that the bottom of a work boot was pointed towards the camera, and behind it you could clearly see the stud to whom the boot belonged too. It was a bottom view pic, like your about to be stepped on.

I'll make up for this somehow ... this series is going to have to wait.

(Hopefully this one serves a good substitute for those who really wanted to see Boots and such, I 'borrowed' this from www.flickr.com/photos/73594239@N00/31209484/ )

And its sad: X3

One of my favorite characters of all time is being treated without justice in the next sequel to the X-Men franchise.

Upon seeing him in X2, I was ecstatic that Colossus was not only mentioned but also that you could see him morph into the hunk of metal hotness that is he. Yes, that is the superpower that Colossus has, the ability to morph into complete metal (even his hair) and superhuman strength. And for that brief moment when he confronts the invading soldiers, I thought "OHMIGOD, THATS SO AWESOME!" (yes, I'm a comic geek, or at least was in my younger years ... I'm totally behind on whats been happening)

N E WAYS, back to the injustice I've mentioned. With new directors come new creative ideas and new ways to implement said ideas. In this day and age with regards to movies, it is nearly impossible to bring in a new director to copy cat the styles of a previous one. And since Bryan Singer has choosen to direct and bring forth his vision of 'Superman', a new director (Bryan Ratner) was brought in to replace Singer and direct the muchly anticipated X-Men 3, also known as X3.

The problem I have is the result of the latest movie stills that I've stumbled upon thanks to 20Sumthing [linked to rught]. The problem I have is with the makeup. Oh, my, god .. the makeup. It looks horrible. In regards to my favorite character of all time, the makeup is horrible. Especially in comparison to what was featured in the second X-Men film. What the second film introduced appears to be CGI effects and they looked great. Colossus was shiny and the metal actually looked like metal. There was a lustre present that made it all that much more ... awesome (lack of a better term). And now ... that lustre is gone. Colossus just looks bad. And not enough words are available to express my dismay to what I see in the X3 stills. Here's what I'm talking about, the next few pics were taken from the X2 films.

Now the following here is a movie still from X3.

NNNOOOOOOO. Am I right, or am I right? I don't know Mr. Ratner, I just don't know. Your previous films were awesome, Rush Hour 2, Red Dragon ... but X3? I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see. And that means yes, as much as this whole makeup thing is getting to me, I'm still going to wait in line on opening night to watch X3.

Why you ask. Well, Daniel Cudmore of course. The actor is HOT. Just check it out ...

UPDATE: Interesting ....

You scored as Colossus. Colossus is the strongest X-Man physically. His love for his family and his sister Illiana make him strong. Although he can be prone to fits of rage, he has a big heart under that organic steel skin. Powers: Can change his skin into organic steel making him nearly invunerable and exponentially increasing his strength Colossus 95% Iceman 80% Jean Grey 65% Emma Frost 60% Storm 55% Wolverine 55% Rogue 55% Gambit 55% Cyclops 55% Beast 40% Nightcrawler 30% Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

Just another day? (also titled "Love And Hate")

Yesterday was Valentines Day. Now some people LOVE the holiday, and thats most likely due to the fact that they are in a relationship. Whether it be a long term one or one entirely new, point is that they are IN a relationship (timing people). But these of course are not the only types of people who love Valentines. Others I qualify as optimistic singles. They feel that 'one day' it will all happen for them and therefore being single for one more day isn't all that bad, they'll simply go out and have fun probably with other singles or tag along with their coupled buds for brief few (I mean, you can't be a third wheel for the entire time, let alone on V-Day). People who love Valentines Day are the ones who feel its special and will buy gift after gift and plan the special meals and whatever. I like these people.

Now, on the opposite end of the spectrum there are those who DEPISE Valentines Day, once again for numerous reasons. It could be that they are heart felt on negating anything that can be commericialised. Or it could be because they are single and are bitter about it (whether newly single or single for quite some time).(am I forgetting anything else?) These people I like as well.

As for me .. I fall under the category that Valentines is 'just another day'. This year, I didn't even notice the hype. No tv therefore commercials are out of the question. Stopped listening to the radio awhile ago, so again commercials are out. And I just haven't been walking around therefore the incessant and excessive amounts of red found in stores is completely lost on me. I just didn't see it. And therefore, this year, I feel I fall under both categories of LOVE and HATE for Valentines Day; simply because I love and hate everyother day.

Explanation: before I met the ex, I was single. And I was single for YEARS. My ex was the first boyfriend for me to ever have. In fact, when I met him .. I was under the impression that I would NEVER met anyone (the joys of small town gay in a conservative province). And so, I was used to it. And besides, not actually being in a relationship, I started despising commercialization that was reminding me over and over again to buy the perfect gift for the loved one who at the time did not exist. These two facts alone should guarantee my despise for Valentines Day, instead it does not. For now, I've had a boyfriend (sure HAD being the operative word, but thats the point). I HAD a boyfriend at a time when I thought the idea was just non-existant for me. And now that I'm single, even on Valentines Day, I find myself with a sense of hope that I will someday suddenly, unexpectedly meet someone.

And besides, yesterday, all I did was bitch at Bell Express Vue for losing my account in their system and having to talk to 5 different people who kept asking me the same questions over and over again; only to be cheered up by a small email from my kid sister who wished me a Happy Valentines Day (she sent me the image to the right). I then proceeded with work, then went home and did some laundry, cleaned house, went to karaoke and chilled with a friend at the bar .. and that was my Valentines Day .. all the while going commando (yes yes, I was free-ballin). A lingering sense of depression was no where to be felt throughout the entire day, for once. And it felt good. Sure the friend who wanted me to help bail him out of a date stood me up, but whatever .. I still had fun. And in the end .. isn't that what its all about anyways?

BTW, picked up Bo Bice's new album ... and can we say AWESOME? We sure can. Here's one song called "You're Everything" ... and god damn is that a great song to showcase his voice. I still protest that he should have won .. instead of whats her face ...

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Valentines Day

Valentines Day. Another one here, and I'm single. pft, figures ... oh well. To those who do have that special someone in their arms, spoil them. Take care and have fun this Valentines Day. To those who are single, nows the time to move. Act on what you feel, because in the end you just never know. Take that chance, say hi, buy him a drink, pass that suggestive glance; you never know whats going to happen. Have a good one everyone.

what a weekend!!

OHMIGOD .. what a weekend. Everything there is to drink, I drank. And best thing of all .. no hangover. And I mean none. Still awoke the next day, full of energy and charm. Where did my hangovers go? Meh, gratefully they will not be missed.

You know, theres nothing like a visiting friend to reveal to you how popular you actually are. A friend came down for the weekend, one of my good friends from back in Dead Rear (Red Deer); one of the few people there who kept me sane. And damn, the minute she was off the bus the weekend had begun. And btw, my new roommate ... CRAZY! And right now I feel sorry for him ... for you know what they say .. when it rains it pours. And what a storm for him. But like a lil trooper, he's rolling with the punches and 'appears' fine.

Weekend Events: FRIDAY(would write it all in story form, but so much happened)
1) roommate served with papers for running out on a lease (at work no less)
2) lighting scheme established
3) friend arrives early
4) we go to liquor store and grocery store .. she leaves her money in her bag which is in the Jeep
5) we go home to realise her money was in her pocket the whole time
6) we have afew drinks and blast the music videos
7) roommate drinks ENTIRE bottle of vodka
8) roommate borrows a pants, and rips them open (still wears them out to bar)
9) us three leave the apartment, and roommate departs from us instantly
10) we go to a bar, friend meets ALOT of people there
11) we leave the bar .. and apparently her jacket as well (its great when you call a bar and the bartender knows you and will do favors for you)
12) meet up with friends who are HAMMERED (apparently everyone was partying this night)
13) meet up with roommate is even more LOADED then when at apartment
14) roommate leaves with that nights trick
15) friend and I leave with friends to have a few more at the apartment
16) at apartment, I'm waking roommate up from the couch, trick no where to be found
17) turning down TV as volume is still BLARING
18) friends leave, friend and I sleep
19) awaken to roommate dealing with a balif whose threatening to take the tv and his dvd player and his computer unless he comes up with $2000 on the spot. (TV alone worth $5000)
20) roommate does it in two hours
21) friend awakes and we all chillaxe for a few hours.

Weekend Events: SATURDAY
After movie matinee, events 4), 6) 7), 9). 10), 12), 13), 14), repeat themselves with new events added.

Friend went home on sunday afternoon. It was sad to see her go.

tgif

And somehow I've managed to post all week long without even one pic. (Okay, monday is the exception) And therefore, to make up for my ... well I don't know what the word is ... but to make up for it here are some pics to add some color to this here blog.





PS, no FF series this week as I could not figure out what to focus on. Idea's anyone?

The Shelf

Its another one of those days where the sun is out and shining across the sky, but everywhere you walk a cloud covers the sun. I don't know why, but right now I feel like I'm ready to jump off a building in confidence and ready to fly; but still knowing I have no wings.

Last night, I attempted sleep. Attempted being the operative word. But no matter how long I slept, no matter how deep of a slumber I tried ... the slightest noise awoke me. And I would wake to a darkened room, in a comfortable bed, but completely alone. I'd stare at my shelf and the piles of nick nacks and small papers and match boxes and CD album covers that haven't moved in months. I'd stare at the clothes that have been folded and placed neatly on another shelf that haven't been moved for alot longer. I'd turn my head in an attempted to releive myself from this oddly state of flux I find myself in, only to add to it when I catch a glimpse of my brand new TV I had just gotten for christmas and realise it hasn't been turned on in weeks. Most things in my room, useless and garbage. Worthless, yet never thrown away.

I toss and turn, attempting to find that one position that will consume me whole and throw me in a deep slumber, but I can't find it. And as I give up, I stare at the Eiffel Tower model sitting on the second shelf from the top next to a beanie bear. I'm consumed by the candles that remain unlit surrounding them. But my head is empty. For once, no thought lingers for I'm an empty cave; not one stir. Not one echoe. I'm just there.

I close my eyes and invite sleep in. No one answers.

Friends who Care

Question: Whats the opposite of my birthday?
Answer: A birthday where people show up and actually have fun.

So this past weekend was a friends birthday. Now normally, I'm all up for birthdays. I love birthdays, getting friends a gift, buying 'em drinks, meetin more people. I just love the social atmosphere created by the fact that its someones birthday. Everyone seems to be nicer and more outgoing. Well anyways, this past weekend was my friends b-day.

And the unfortunate thing about this birthday is that I was reminded of mine. (NOTE: A remembrance of mine is linked in the headline .. click it and you'll see why) I was reminded because it was this particular friend who was the one who "planned" my birthday party, the party where no one showed up. And its this particular friend who had showed up late, and left early. This is THAT friend. So needless to ask, but what did I do? Simple, I took my time getting ready, played Grand Theft Auto with the roommate, drank a few at home and an hour and half later, I finally made my way to his birthday. Oh, and I left early too. Before midnight actually.

Am I a little bitter? Perhaps. Was it childish? I'd definately say yes. But, I did it. And being the 'good friend' that he is, totally expected it.

Do I feel bad for what I did? No, not really. Cause the friends who didn't show up to mine, made it on time for his.

Do I need new friends?

Interesting.

Hmmm .. interesting. One posting revealing a very endearing moment in my life filled with postive energy and hope; followed by another thats disturbing and revealing the harshness that is society. Like a rollercoaster ride of emotions. But alas, such is my life.

Just so you know, both events happened a LONG time ago.

*** *** ***
SIDENOTE: it must be the week for venting. For the past few posts have been quite revealing, and the next one is no different. Hmm .. I really should make up for this by posting some pics of hot men. What do you think?

First Reveal

The good thing about my roommate is that he's so full of energy and very outgoing. He's a talker, always will be and I feel that its something about him that will never change. He's always got something to say, which for me is good because I'm always ready to listen. We're opposites living under one roof and its working. And, we're only roommates.

But there was one night where I had to talk. And as anyone who truthfully knows me will tell you, thats not really something I do. Heck, I'm sure the ex will tell you passionately that its something I don't do. And I can't help it, I live in my head. And my head is a train of thoughts continually passing by one by one to reveal thats its not on one set track, but instead is apart of a web of thoughts that I find myself consistently trapped in. And all thoughts are usually tirggered by something else that will lead to another and another and before I know it, I'm in a spot and I can't remember how I got there. And well, such an event occured.

The trigger; and epsiode of Queer as Folk, season 2.
The result; me thinking so much it got to the point I where I feel asleep on the couch.

Roommate gets home, harasses me that yet again I'm sleeping on the couch and all I can reply is "what? I was thinking." Here on in, as I lazily stumble to my bedroom, we continue on what seems to be the usual banter of the days going ons for each of us; only this time its only him talking. "So what were you thinking?" he casually asks.

"Nothing" I reply in hopes that he'll leave it alone.

"No no no," he continues, "you said, you said you were thinking. I want to know what it was."

Any time that thinking along makes me sleep, then trust me when I say I have no energy to go through it all again. And so, I grab the journal I had just written in (I write down thoughts in hopes of ridding myself of them), open up to the page and give it to him. Cause he asked, and I have no problems of him knowing, I just haven't the energy to say it. He grabs it and starts to read as I continue back to my bed. And silence ensues as I wait to hear what his reaction is.

"You serious?" he asked while in the bathroom (taking off his contacts, just felt I need to clear that up)

"Yes." I reply, not taking my head off the pillow. He walks into my room, still reading the journal.

"You took a bat to the back of your head when you were 14?"

"Yes."

From here on in, he sits on the floor of my bedroom near the doorway and asks numerous questions. Suddenly he knows that I was beaten by 5 twenty somethings simply because I'm native. And that being gay had nothing to do with it. Suddenly he knows that I lost my memory that night. Suddenly he knows that the 5 guys who did it, will get away with it. Question after question he learns more and more.

But one question has stuck with me, as it was one of the first ones he asked. "How does one get through that?" ...

I still don't have an answer. Its memory, of what I do remember. And it will always be there. There will always be triggers to revive it. All I can do, is know that it happened.

Letting It Be: The Day I Knew

The day I knew. As I've read coming-out story after coming-out story, I've noticed a particular motif that seems to be a signature moment for all closeted individuals; that act of standing in front of a mirror and trying to say to yourself "I'm gay." I am one who does not fall into this category. I did not need a literal mirror for inner reflection. Instead .. it was the sound of music that triggered the epiphany. The harmonizing notes of synthesized music helped me understand the differentness that was I. It may have been late in life or it may have been soon. Or it may just be the moment I cared about it and knew it would change everything I knew. Whatever the case .. its my moment.

It was one of those days where your content. Your neither happy nor sad nor mad. Your just you, and thats okay. You could find yourself sitting alone or sitting in a crowd, but where ever you are you realise you just are. You recognise your own existence in the greater world around you, and oddly enough you find a soothing sense of peace. And so you don't rush it, or push it away .. you just let it be.

I was 'letting it be' while driving in my 4x4 GMC Sierra listening to the soundtrack of Nutty Professor 2. And it was just me. I didn't need to escape anything nor was I stressed by everyday inconveniences. It was just me and the world in harmonizing sequence. I was a mere speck of dust in the grand universe and when looking within I realised that I was a universe as well. A smile of comfort stretched across my face.

I pulled up to a four way stop and patiently awaited an elderly woman crossing the street. No doubt the vehicles behind me were impatiently gripping the steering wheel, this I knew but I did not rush. My destination will still be there. But I looked at the elderly woman as she caught a glimpse of me .. and we both smiled. She crossed, I sped through.

While soaking up the scenery of the open road whilst I travelled to the closest city, the song changed. Janet Jackson's "Doesn't Really Matter" was now blaring through the speakers of my extended cab as I continued my journey. And the words hit me like a bag of bricks.

"Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing,
Cause I'm in love with the inner being,
And it doesn't really matter what they believe,
What matters to me is you're in love with me "

I thought deeply about the song that was playing as I drove down the highway and thought "someday you'll feel these words for your man. Someday you'll have a boyfriend." Being a drifter in the great universe that is my mind, I wholly did not comprehend what I just thought. For I was in a moment of just being myself. All thoughts would come and go as I revelled in my own existence. And so the song ended. I turned off the stereo and drove in silence. I stared down the highway and looked beyond the horizon before me and throught quite vividly "your gay." I smiled and continued forward.