FUG IT ALL

I f!ckin hate small towns ... and small citys for that matter. There seems to be an unspoken rule to blend in, somehow, to be apart of something. There's always a HUGE clique problem. YEAH, I said it, PROBLEM! WHY they fuggin need to be a part of something. Why can't we all be original? (if thats even possible?!)

Nah, thats not what I'm hattin right now. And the questions are more directed to me than to anyone one else. Nevertheless, the questions still stand.

What do I have a need to be somewhere I belong? A place where I fit in? I say F!CK IT ALL because around here, there is no such clique. Sure, people who get to know me think I'm this great guy, one whose fun to be around .... but I'M F!CKED UP! I'm seriously messed in the head! And thats always something that everyone will NEVER know. And thats why I hate 'em.

Ok, maybe hate is too strong of a word. Cause honestly, if they asked for help, I would help them. I just hate their need to 'belong' somewhere. Why? Because they can find it, they have it, whereas I don't.

I've attempted to fit it everywhere I went. Everywhere I was, I tried to do this and be content with it (whether it be actions, talk, projects, behaviour), but I just never was. And truth be told, I fear I had altered myself so much in the past, that I don't know who I am on a personal level. I don't know what my interests are, let alone know how to express them. I'm in college and have no idea where to do go. And most of it is because I'm using school as an escape mechanism, I'm here to get away and attempt to achieve something bigger. But, I'm a different person now. For I used to be here to achieve something bigger for other people, to gain praise and a reputation. But now, I see that means nothing. I want something for me, and I don't think I can get it here. Why? Cause I've been here for four years ... and nothing. No close groups of friends. No recommendations ... no clue.

All I do know is that in this world, there is no one set of rules and policies or one set of knowledge to follow. Instead there is an intermingled web of systems that each person on their own must crawl through. In this one world, there is an infinite amount of realities. I just need to find which one is mine. I need to stop, and see it.