Ruff Guff Goodness

So, as mentioned once before, I never really knew what my type of guy was simply because at the time I ws thinking about it, I was dating anyone nor ever even considered that I may one day. But there were two words at the time that just seemed to suit what I was looking for (or at that time admired), in a guy ... RUFF GUFF. Theres just something about those words that suit my kind of man. And now that I just discovered that I don't date (still don't have an explanation on that one), I've simply decided to find some pics that may help me in discovering who my future husband will be. I wanted to look around the net and find out exactly what Ruff Guff means ... I mean, sure ... I thought of it and therefore should have really known first hand. But, sometimes its just better to see first hand what you envisioned in your head. And well, all pics have been narrowed down over and over again until one common theme arose, "TEEN BEAR". And frankly, that should have been obvious. These pics have been "borrowed" from GenEx over at http://genex.typepad.com/genex/ .... thank you for a fabulous idea that SHOULD make it into reality. So, any investors out there?






Mmmmmm ... ruff guff deliciousness ....

What The Hell Was THAT Last Night?

I hate having no TV or Stereo. I really do hate it ... I need SOME form of entertainment while I'm home. Something, ANYTHING! I've already counted the tiles on the floor ... and since I forgot, I'll do that again today. Anyways, point in being is that when I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO, I end up thinking (and trust me, thats not always a good thing) ... and right after dinner yesterday I figured I'd take a nap to save me from any all comsuming thoughts that may arise. Besides, I literally only had 6 bucks to my name (I cashed in the change tin can yesterday) and so I wasn't gonna go to the bar too early. So after rollerblading about, cooking and eating dinner ... I had an hour to spare and nothing to do. I took a nap.

Well, those damn thoughts seemed to seep into my dreams or at least caused me to think aloud. I don't know where it came from, but being half asleep and listening to the radio on my cheap alarm clock, I suddenly heard myself say aloud "I'm ready for love." Well, being half asleep and knowing no one around heard me anyways, I left it at that. Maybe it was just a dream.

Well ... like I said, I don't know what the hell that was ... but I continued my evening. I ventured to the bar with a whole 6 dollars, feeling a lil down since I know I'm going to be broke for the next two weeks and most likely alone in a 2 bedroom apartment. Well, the usual ensued. I"d sit at the bar, talk with the bar tender every moment he had free ... converse with some of the regulars and yadda yadda yadda. And beleive it or not, that whole 6 dollars bought me 2 whole beers.

N E WAYS, to the point .... for some odd reason, I actually had some "admirers" last night. And I don't mean just one ... there were a few. Let me see, Mike, Garry, Johnnie, (guys I know, great guys too) Broken Record (he only had 2 pick up lines), and "Mr. I gave you 75 cents so you better give it up". Well ... this is a first. And rather odd since at one point we were all sitting at one table. Does this have anything to do with the fact that "apparently" I'm ready for love? Or just one big coincidence? Perhaps, I'm finally being perceptive to the fact? Perhaps. But whats cool with admirers is that they will buy you beers and shots. So, with my 6 bucks I ended up drinking 3 shots, and 6 beers. And I just went there to get out of my damn apartment. Ain't it cool?

(BTW theres some tunage in the headline ... enjoy) ... some pics up later

Can You Imagine The Controversy

Can you imagine the controversy with this pic. The uproar, the audacity. The down right slap in the face. How could they ... I mean really ... how could it be possible. As if. Thats all I can think ... as if a Red Sox fan would kiss a Yankee fan.

(pic "borrowed" from 20 Sumthing, linked over on the right ... )

Lovers In The Back Seat

A song I'm totally digging right now is by the Scissor Sisters entitled "Lover's in the Back Seat". I don't know why I like it, I just do. It could be due to the fact that at this current moment in my life, my apartment is completely empty. And I ain't over-emphasizing here ... it actually is completely bare. So, the only form of entertainment I have is either masturbating .. or listening to music on my alarm clock (which gladly plays CD's as well). Either way, to get the song, click this posts headline. And it will be there.

Things I'm totally missing on TV:
America's Next Top Model
Invasion
Supernatural
ER
The Amazing Race
The Apprentice
The Apprentice, Martha Stewart
Ghost Whisperer
Medium
Friends reruns

But alas, having no tv and a cheap sounding stereo (I mean come on, ita an alarm clock for crying out loud) ... I do have time to think of somethings. Such as ...

How do they get the caramilk inside a caramilk bar?
If gravity pulls us into the center of the Earth, and the Earth is round, which way is up?
Do I have photography potential?
Why am I single?
Should I go to Film School?
Should I go home this weekend?
I need a beer.
Oh god its Fall .. great colours, but damn its cold.
Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow ....

And finally .. something that isn't so sore on the eyes ... as soon as I find it, lol. I'll be back later. For now, enjoy the tunage.

UPDATES

Awhile back I posted a rant about my distaste for my roommate. Now, I must say it wasn't like I hated the guy, we just didn't mesh well. He felt it was his apartment and just forgot I too was human and was also living there. So, the chemistry just wasn't right. But nevertheless .. the bast is GONE! WOO HOO. I know have my own apartment that is empty ('cept for the furniture in my bedroom)) and that I can barely afford, and for some odd reason I'm having troubles finding a roommate here in the city (weird?!). The rant can be found by clicking the "Updates" headline.

And now to my weightloss ... last time I checked I was 210 lbs. I can't remember what is was last time I posted, I think it was 217 or 215 or something like that. Either way, its going away. YAY! And frankly wow ... I took a look at some old pics of me ... and god damn was I huge. You could definately see it in the face back then (reference to the numerous chins I had at the time). Kind of weird though, cause I also remember back then that if I was just skinnier I'd get more play than what I was actually getting at the time (which really was nothing). And here I am, 76 lbs later ... and nadda, zip, zilch, mugginess (cree slang). Hmmm ... interesting. N E WAYS ... moving on ...

Fuck law school, I'm going into film school (or at least new media studies). Thanks to a new friend I've made, my passion for visual frameworks (both still and moving) has been rekindled. I've realised that for the past 4 years I was attempting something that I didn't really want to do. I did it (at least attempted) to be practical. I did it cause it was the safe route. But now I'm saying screw practical, cause if I don't do this now ... I will forever wonder "what if?". And no, I ain't having that.

And here are some shout outs to those who have me linked. I'd like to say HOLLA to the following ...


From 34,000 Feet


JoeyDestino


Fresh and Tasty


FloridaBoy1974


Life or Something Like It

And lastly, but surely not least ...

Bill In Exhile (who unfortunately has no pic on his blog that I can steal *ahem*, I mean borrow.)

To all of yeh mentioned ... HOLLA! Keep up the great blogs (although one of them I presume hasn't posted in a while, *ahem*) and thank you for boosting my ego and linking me at your sites. Truly appreciated. PEACE!

Karaoke Queen

Okay ... I had a whole post about this ... and somehow erased it. What sucks about that is I'm frustrated and therefore can't get back into the mood I was in when I was originally posting it. But either way .. .I'll try.

So apparently I'm a karoake queen. Like, OMG! I'm a karaoke queen. I find this amusing because I can remember quite vividly a few months ago I wouldn't DARE pick up a mic and belt out in front of a lot of people. It just wouldn't happen ... and now, its literally expected. All I can say is "who knew?!"

This past weekend, I took time off from the city and went to visit a friends place out in the countryside. It was peaceful and quite relaxing, so relaxing in fact that the host, slept most of saturday leaving me to amuse myself. (get your mind out of the gutter ...) Okay, now that your back ... I'll get back to the story. We came back to the city late saturday, and he dropped me off at my favorite watering hole (hehe, I said "hole"). Now, karaoke is always on saturday. And always ends at 12 Midnight, no questions asked. I arrived at 11:45. I walk in the bar, look around to see who I know, and make my way towards the bar. Now this is a tight bar, so naturally taking a look around consists of standing at the door and looking lost. And also consumes the entire time of a brief moment. So I walk the whole one yard from the front door to the bar, and the minute I get there, the bar tender is already holding my beer in air and waiting for confirmation. I nod in reply to say "yes, I want that beer." He places it before me, and next I know, I'm being called up to sing.

I mean I was only there for two minutes. TWO MINUTES. I totally did not expect to sing because

1) It was almost over anyways
2) there was already a rotation in place
2) and I really didn't want to cause for some reason I was exhausted
So I expected not to. Yeah, I was wrong.

So yeah, point in case ... I'm a karaoke bitch. Apparently a regular at that bar ... which is cool, cause their all cool people there; the gay version of Cheers. Which I'm certain every bar has that.

So, on the musical note ... here are two songs I LOVE and just can't get enough of. One is from Thoughtnot ...
thanks for your great taste in music. And another .. well ... from me. One is the address below ... the other can been found if you click the header of this post.

http://homepage.mac.com/okamm/.Public/wishyouwerehere.mp3

And what the hell ... some eye candy as well.




(pics once again from Gorilla Beach ... I love the models on that site.)

A cure needed

And loneliness shows its pesky head, yet again. Frankly, am I surprised ... nope. But this couldn't come at a worse time. Doesn't it just suck when your own inner turmoils start to rise at times when other worldly inconveniences are stressing you out? (*ahem* .. that would be a yes) Frankly though, am I surprised? No ... not really. You know what they say, when it rains it pours (whoa .. bad analogy with whats going on with the world). And for me, it hasn't rained in a while.

So I went to the bar last night ... again. (I really need a new thing to do) And it just sucks knowing you went there alone, and you leave alone, and you don't even get any interest at all. But at the same time, can I really complain? I mean, there was no one there that interested me at all. Same ol bar regulars, same ol twinks shaking it like they got something to shake (and if their attitude is any indication at all, trust me, they have nothing), same ol same ol. I think it sad that I think this only after living here for 5 months. Meh ... I'll figure this out. I'll fix it somehow ... its the financial manner that really has me stressing though. I need money, otherwise I'm homeless, literally. And since I just moved here ... and I don't really know anyone on that level ... who can I turn too? Really? 8 Days ... 8 more days and we'll know.

But on another note. GORILLA BEACH! Definately not a new find ... but also enjoyable to look at. Mmmm .. ruff guff delicious'ness.






Apparently you can email him too ... just go to GorillaBeach.com ... more manly eye candy there.

I Don't Date

I've just come up with the realisation that I don't date. Throughout my life, I've only been one two dates, both with the same guy. I wonder what this means? It's definately not because of not having any prospects. Apparently there are quite a few guys interested in me, or so I've heard (I've also come to the realisation that I'm aloof when it comes to guys showing interest. I'm totally oblivious to it). But, I realised that I don't date.

Maybe its just a definition thing. Dating implies to me a judgement call ... and I try to steer from judgements. I just don't like telling people they just don't do it for me. But then again, if they don't do it for me, then why am I on a date with them in the first place? Hmmm ... I need to find the root of this.

So what is dating? For me, its spending time with someone to see if you really like each other. And if you already hooked up, then it would be finding out if you can actually spend time with each other and making sure that sex isn't the only thing you have to offer. So ... why don't I date? Well ... I have no money nor food (to cook at home) to offer. I was going to go to law school ... but I just recently changed my mind. Maybe thats it ... maybe I just want to establish myself. I've decided on film school instead and going into new media, but until I actually do that I will still be a wanderer. And I personally like men who are well grounded and know what they like and what they do and overall, who they are. I just don't want to find a guy to 'complete me'. I should feel complete before the relationship starts. I'm looking for someone I can share my life with. I just need a life ... ouch, that sounded harsh. But its true.

What would happen if I found someone at this point in my life? I would become friends with his friends, go where he goes, follow what he does. And if it didn't work out, what would I be left with? NADA! Now don't get me wrong, I'm not clingy, at least I don't think so (honestly, I don't really have a basis for comparison). So if I did find someone, I'll still know that I have somethings to work out on my own. So, it wouldn't really be that bad if I did date. So why don't I date?

Maybe I just haven't found the right person yet. I've met some cool guys here and there, but the ones I've really been attracted too, couldn't get over the fact that I act older than I really am. I'm still a pup, apparently. And some just run, completely turn the other way. And they say I'm young? At least I was going to give them a chance. But ... in the end I'm not wasting time on someone who'se ... well, a waste of time. So ... I guess it all works out for me.

Pics up and Posted

Well .. my pics are finally up and posted. So of me which is making me very uncomfortable, and I don't know why (pft, whatever .. I know exactly why, just don't want to get into it). Nevertheless ... I was going to post the pics on this site ... but using flickr just seemed to be the more sensible route to go. Enjoy ....

Best Friends

(pics taken from Steve Walkers site ... great pictures for sure ... gay icon for the arts)

And so one thing I've noticed is that as of late, I haven't been as frequent as usual with my postings. I used to be a twice a day blogger when I started, but now I'm more of a twice a week kind. What does this mean? Did anyone notice? Is it a good thing? Is my blog entertainging or at the very least, interesting?

For the most part, am I just running out of shit to say ... ? nah ... I'm just busy. With trying to get myself established and finding the right path for my life (btw ... I've decided I'm saying NO to law school, and YES to film school ... thank you to a new friend who has helped me realise my true passions), and also having limited internet access (yes, I still don't have a pc of my own), I just don't have the time or resources to do what I want with this blog.

Anyways ... onto other things. There are days where my mind seems to be focused on certain themes. As a thinker and observer ... I'm used to it. Although it gets kind of depressing at time (I usually go over serious shit and whatever I feel is missing in my life at the time ... so yeah, I really need to stop doing that), this past weekend it hasn't ended up like that at all. I was speaking with an avid karaoke'er the other night and we got into discussing his partner of 10 years who was just recovering from surgery. And I was in awe in how he spoke of him. Just the brief mention of his partner light up his eyes and brought about a smile that was priceless. He missed the fact that his partner wasn't there to sit with him throughout the night and even mentioned he feels lost at night when we awakes to find himself alone in his bed. And all the while he spoke, I sat there and listened and laughed (cause there were a few hilarious stories about camping) and prayed and hoped that someday I too will find my best friend. And thats what I noticed, of all the couples I spoke too and met, I observed their behaviour with each other and noticed they were best friends. All the couples I met this past weekend actually didn't leave me depressed. I didn't look at them and realise that I don't have that (it was a thought, but only a fraction of a second) and maybe its because I didn't feel left out. In fact, I looked at them and was only filled with hope instead of despair. It was heartwarming.

Maybe I am changing. Maybe I am becoming a better person. Maybe I am happy for once.

And he walks by ...

I was walking down the street after yet another mediocre night at the bar. Now don't get me wrong, I love going and meeting new people and conversing with the regulars. But the routine of it all is becoming mundane. I don't get repetition, therefore I don't like repetition. And as I was walking down the city streets, I was beginning to think of change. I needed change. I needed something different to do with my time. I needed aother forms of excitement.

This thought began to linger and and I started to analyze it even more and more; trying to figure out why I was dwelling on it and why it was significant for me to think about it consistently at that moment. And it hit me ... it was becoming repetitious because I was never going with anyone, nor leaving with anyone. I can have good coversations and such ... but never was I there to meet up with anyone, I was just kind of there. I was a fly on the wall so to speak.

And depression lingered.

I continued walking along the lonely street that would eventually lead to my apartment. Not one vehicle in sight nor can one be heard. It was just me and the city. And so I continued on ... not really wanting to go home but knowing I'll end up there anyways. I sucked it in, and ventured home.

Dwelling on my current state, I was disturbed by an odd sound; a squeaky sound. It caught my attention because it too was repetitious for it followed my every footstep. Step, squeak. Step, squeak. Stop, nothing. Step, squeak. And it had occured to me that I was hearing this squeaky sound the moment I hit the street, the moment I was walking in silence. I looked down at my runners, the source of the squeak. I peered for a moment at the faded black velvet with is reflective decor that no longer shown. As worn as they were, I continued to wear them. And I continued walking. Step, squeak, thought. Step, squeak, thought. Step, squeak.

And a familiar but more distant sound was faintly heard. Another squeak from another shoe. I lifted my heard in search of its source; and in the distance, a homeless man staggered. His squeak was getting louder and louder as he staggered closer and closer. I can hear clearly my shoes squeak rythmically with his. Closer and closer, louder and louder ... then fainter and fainter. He had passed.

And as I had watched him pass me, I thought where is a homeless man walking to with such determination at 2:45 in the morning? Where does he have to go? And it hit me, like a big yellow school bus ... he's homeless, and I'm not. I turned around to watch him leave, and I can clearly see under the dimly lit street lamps the dirt on his denim jacket. The holes in his jeans. His tattered and crooked hat. His scruffy unkempt grey hair. All his features, all of him, disappear and reappear with each street light he staggered under. Repetitiously he faded in and out of darkness.

I'm a fool.

That night, as I got home, I stood in contempt on the balconey of my top floor apartment and smoked a cigarette in thanks. Thanks for the repetition, thanks for the changes. Thanks for my life.

Pics from Euro

And So I finally scanned my pictures from my Europe trip and saved them in JPEG format. Which means I can finally post them on the net ... and my fellow readers can also finally see what I myself look like. (and the suspense builds) ... that is of course if I don't alter them ... I just have this thing about posting my pics on the net ... its not really something I like to do. But you'll see.

Until then ... have a good weekend.

NAME CHANGE

I've been asked to come up with a name already ... RIGHT ON! I HAVE READERS, YAY! ... but of course that is something I knew already. Yet, it still humbling to hear it again.

Anyways, I'm torn as to whether or not I should simply change the title on this site and keep the url the same ... or whether or not I should shut down this blog and start anew .... meh ... I'll just change the name on this site and keep the url the same. I don't have much people linking me, but for those who do, I'll keep it simple for you.

And here's the new name ... " A Stitch in Mind" .... it makes more sense to me than "And Here I Am" ...

REASONING:
"And Here I Am" implies a sense of self, a definition of who I am. And I'm certain that as of late my postings have implied that I'm on a road to discovery. And with my head over here and there and thinking about this and that and still encountering events for the first time (being that I'm a small town country gay boy living in conservative Alberta) ... I know that I haven't established myself. And besides, the real reason behind it all ... I just want something creative.

So, good-by "And Here I Am" ... and Hello to "A Stitch in Mind" .... (and yes, the URL is the same ... it just easier that way ... )

And I Give Thanks

I was walking home from the bar yesterday, feeling pretty good about myself as I usually do when I go out for Karaoke. Maybe it was because I actually left the bar early (due to limited funds) and was about to get some good well deserved rest. Maybe it was in incessant chatter of bar regulars and realising I was actually involved in the chatter. Either way, whatever the case may be, I felt content. Hell, I even felt lucky and fortunate.

I stood on my balconey, smoking one of the last two cigarettes I had and stared off into the city below. With each puff, I smiled and said a lil prayer. A prayer of gratitude, a prayer of thanks. A prayer not meant to ask for anything, but just to say thank you to the many blessings I've encountered in the past few months. Thanks to family who are so far away. Thanks to friends, old and new. Thanks for my job. Thanks for the weight loss. Thanks for karaoke (yes, I even said thanks for that). Thanks to specific people. And most of all, thanks for my life. As stressful and depressing and lonely it may seem at times, thanks for my life.

I finished my cigarette. Looked up at the night sky reflecting city lights, and asked for a blessing for all the people in my life. Bless them as much as I have been blessed.

SO YOU KNOW

Okay ... this whole "And Here I Am" title is kind of pissing me off, and I don't know why.

I want to change it, and I'm going to. Just so you all know for future references. This is the pre-warning to the actual warning

And Here's A Euro Recap

Everyone's first trip is always filled with exciting adventures and worthy-telling anecdotes. Especially if that trip is to Europe (I don't care where, if your Canadian anywhere in Europe is good). And so, I do have a recap.

As you may know (or may not, really doesn't matter since I'm going to tell you anywways), I have had my first European vacation ever just last month. Two whole weeks seeing sights and drinking foreign beer (plus some babysitting for amateur drinking youths) and alas the gay event of any trip, shopping. All of this if fine and dandy and definately one I will never forget.

However, it is Florence, Italy that will forever remain truly significant for me.

My trip consisted of 16 people, a combination of ages ranging from 15-50 years old, and all people from my home town. So needless to say none of them knew I was gay (and a special thank you *rolls eyes* to the politics of small Alberta towns, they will never know, at least not if I can help it). And, twas a good thing my mom came along as well, cause at least she knew.

For the majority of my trip, the young (in my case 'younger') boys of the tour hung out with me and were attached to my hip. I could not shake them no matter how I tried. But while in Florence, they vanished to my relief. And all that was left of the group was me and my mom. It was god-given moment for it was perfect time spend with her since I haven't seen her in a long while, since my move to Calgary.

We had gone for coffee (THANK GAWD for Starbucks!) and sat on the street side tables enjoying each others company; soaking in the scenary and revelling in the fact that a year of hard work in fundraising had finally paid off. It was perfect. The sun shining, and hundreds of people walking below the towering antique buildings of yester-era and the sweet necture of caffiene slowling flowing over my tongue. Perfect. Especially since I was sharing this with the person I cherish most, my mom.

I can't remember how it happened, but we both ended up talking about ourselves and where we were in our lives. And this turned out to be the perfect conversation as we ended up talking about the men in our lives as well. This is the first gay themed conversation we ever had since I came out to her a few months back. And it flowed naturally. We were both comforted with each others presence as she spoke of her new beau and I spoke of my first crush. We were both wonderers taking a break from our endless paths and realising that for the first time we had come across each othe. It didn't need to be spoken or revealed that that was the case, it just needed to be felt and we both knew it was accepted. We knew we missed each other. We always loved each other. Yet we were always living our own story. And at that moment, sucking back our Starbucks coffee, we knew we had just begun an exciting chapter of both our lives.

For once, our own personal story books had come together naturally. And in one of the most beautiful cities in the world.

We will always have Florence ... or Starbucks .. whichever way one will think about it.

And It Makes Sense

I love reading stories online, especially well written ones. And with that said, KUDOS over at 20-Sumthing. Its the kind of story that just got me thinking, a story of a young gay lad who just realised he's gotten what he wished for.

That actually got me thinking. Have I ever received anything that I wished for. And so I back tracked to the time in my life where I was the loneliest. And my life now in comparison to then has been phenomenal. I'm in a new city, living a gay life as opposed to a suppressed one, always meeting new people; losing weight naturally (sure I go to the gym, but I haven't been in two months, and I'm still losing weight), and everything just seems to go my way lately (except for financial matters, but I'll blog about that at another time, perhaps ...)

But 20-Sumthing's story about Jay (which oddly enough is my nickname back home) is mainly focused on finding a b/f. Now that I don't have. I'm still ol single me, which is great becuase I feel I need to establish myself as a young gay lad and I need to find out where I'm going in life anyways. But, back to the question "have I receieved anything I wished for?", and in regards to men ... actually yes I have. I was actually blown away when I discovered this too, I haven't realised it until I read 20-Sumthing's blog.

Awhile back, I posted a "What Kind Of Guy's Are My Type" themed posting. Back then, I didn't know for sure but still knew enough as to what would ... well, turn me on essentially. And frankly, here it is in a nutshell ... you can click the headline to get to the original posting.

- short hair, dirty blonde or brunette
- tall, 5'11 - 6'3
- stocky, husky build (no fem's ... no offense, just does nothing for me)
- music related soul
- confident and outgoing (added)

And the realisation is that the guy I'm crushin on, theguy whom I also know really likes me too, is the epidemy of what I saw that day. Remind you, this post was made back in April, it is now Sept and I'm in a new city and an entirely new setting. Well, thank you universe. I don't know what to do with this information now, especially since I'm just coming to terms that perhaps I should day good-bye (or "see you later" is probably a better standpoint) to my crush. All that, and I find out he's the one I wished for. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!

(U P D A T E !!! After reading the entire story, I don't feel as if I'm 'Jay', for I don't feel as if my crush completes me as oppose to the character's boyfriend. My crush does fill some empty portion of me and for sure allows me to feel something more than I have ever felt before, but I'm not young and I know I need to be complete on my own before I'm "with" anyone else. ... I just needed to say that. ON ANOTHER NOTE ... still awesome writing, I feel as if Jay in the story is about to make a big mistake in throwing himself entirely at his new beau and in his attempt to not sound crazy, he inadverntly WILL sound crazy. Almost obsessed ... now me wonders if I'll be wrong ...)

And so I'll let it be

And I haven't seen him since. It gets kind of tiring knowing you like someone but they are never to be found. It definately sucks knowing you like someone but you only get a chance to see them once a week, twice if your lucky, and its mostly done by chance. What REALLY sucks in knowing they really like you too. And What REALLY REALLY sucks is actually making this whole situation, even though it gets me feeling lonely and wanting so much more, and turning it all around into a positive experience.

Why do I not see my crush? Simple, he's established, grounded. Whereas I'm not. I just moved here to Calgary and therefore don't really have any friends to call over for a beer or something. I don't have friends to go to a movie with or out to the bar with (and I mean going over to a friends place and starting there). No. Instead I have aquaintances. People I see from time to time and always out at the bar. The only time I'm with people I know is because we casually run into each other while on a night out. The only routine I do have is karaoke a few times a week, which usually results in drinking. And with this, I'm fine. Because it tells me I'm not alone and that people do enjoy my company, even if it is while in a drunken stupor. I mean, it could definately be so much worse. Total Loneliness is something I've felt before and wish to never feel again.

But, back to the point. When I think about my crush, the guy I'm totally digging at the moment, I think in terms of what do I have to offer. I look at him, and see him and see what he does, and chat with his friends ... I mean for someone to work and DJ (both fixed gigs and whatever he sets up on the side) and to have so many friends who know exactly who he is and have something positive to say about him ... well that just tells me he has a life. And I look around at what I'm doing ... well, I don't do as much as he.

Intimidating? Yes, at times. But I also know that it just takes time. I'm still on a road to self discovery. So many interests like photography and learning to play my guitar and realising that my writing is coming back, well theres so much I need to learn for myself. And I'm finally in a situation where I can nuture it. So, as much as I would LOVE to be with the man, perhaps I just need to take this time and just be with myself.

Is this the right thing to do?

And I get to see HIM

NOT DEPRESSING, really. Actually endearing and sentimental ...

But first an update to yesterdays post ... Did I get drunk, Nope. Am I still an alcoholic, Yes.

So last night I gave myself a curfew. After running a few errands after work I did make my way to the bar. Was only there for 45 minutes. then left to go home. Well, that didnt last long. In fact, I left again to go play some pool at the Calgary Eagle for free pool wednesday. YAY! Hot men, free pool, more booze ... always a good time. And no I did not get drunk. More booze yes, but did not get drunk. For I wasnt there that long. Why you ask. Simple. I got to see the guy Ive been crushin on for two months now.

I mentioned him breifly in another post. The guy I couldnt stop thinking about while in Paris, France. Him. I got to see him again. And still as sexy as ever. He invited me back to the original bar I was just at earlier, and there as per usual our flirting began. It took awhile since he was with his Daddy, but Im sure he wouldnt have minded since I knew him from before. But, I still didnt know their relationship so I played it cool. But I think I lost that cool when I gave my crush a necklace I bought him while in Germany. For the past couple of days I was actually wondering if I would see him again for it was all looking a lil iffy. And this actually goes back to when I seen him last, before my big Euro Trip.

I seen him a week before my departing flight. The usual occured, he would go out with co-workers and end up at the bar I frequent. There the flirting ensued. This time it was different though. He told me he liked me, that he really really like me. And even asked if I could be his daddy. Hell, I was all up for that. But then he asked my age. Now I am not one to lie. And when he heard, he seemed to have pull away abit. Like most, I dont think he expected me to be as young as I am. But at least he didnt run. He was caught off guard, but he stayed. We made arrangements to meet elsewhere at another date. He asked me to meet him at another bar afterhours. And so I did. But he didnt show.

Now everyone always remembers the time they get stood up, no matter who it is. If its a coffee date, you remember, a romantic evening, you remember. And no matter who you are, you feel hurt, devastated. Well, I at that time was definately hurt, and definately felt it the whole walk home. But I was only hurt because I perceived him to have pulled away because of my age. I eventually got over it. I just needed time to think about it and what it could mean. I had hoped to see him just so I could let him know what I was leaving for two weeks ... but no dice. The couple of days when I wouldnt see him had turned into a guaranteed three weeks of not seeing him. I just didnt what him to think I was mad or anything for him not showing up. I know shyte happens. And, I talked to a couple of guys who know him very well and they assured me that if he doesnt show up when he says hes going to, then something happened. sure enough, thats what happened. turns out his boss wouldnt let him leave at his scheduled time to leave.

N E Ways, three weeks of not knowing where we were at and knowing fully well that the time apart would affect what MAY have been there was torturing me. I was actually glad to be coming home when the plane finally descended. But, another week passed and I still hadnt seen him. And so I was actually holding on to this necklace for roughly a month, not knowing if I would be able to give it to him. But also knowing that I couldnt just give it to anyone else. I was meant for him. Even I couldnt wear it.

He liked the necklace and even showed it off to his daddy, who was also actually hooking up with another lad that night. So I got to see his apartment, spend time with the guy, sleep with him (and I mean literally sleep with him) and now here I am. Glad that the time that has passed since I seen him last has occured. Why. It helped me to think. I helped me to not rush into a situation blindfolded. Without him being around I was free to search myself and realise that he is my first crush and that in regards to love and relationships, I actually am young. As mature as I portray myself to be, Im still a kid when it comes to love.

I still dont know where we are at with each other. But at least I know he likes the necklace.