Roswell

As I sit here contemplating what to go back to school for, I'm reminded of what the ex told me. He beleived I should be a writer. I likes what I write; in fact he mentioned that he checks this blog daily just to read what I would write. I myself never really noticed my writing skills let alone beleive that I'm a good one .. I mean, I just write. I don't sit all day thinking about what to write next or anything .. whatever pops into my head at the time is what's going to be post here on this blog. If its a memory of what I felt in the past, or just some rant on what happened this past weekend, then it will be posted on this blog ... I don't really give much thought to what I say. I just type it.

But lately I've been thinking about what to go after next. I've been thinking about what path to follow, where to go in life. And so I've done whats always helped me ... I surfed the web. I turned off the thinking portion of my head and just let my mind wander .. and suddenly my old interests have poped up. I found myself searching the web for info on the movie Scream and checking out old shows like Buffy and whatnot .. and was suddenly reminded of an old TV program called Roswell that I liked so much. And so much of why I liked it is because of the symbolism and metaphors used to describe everyday youthful dilemmas and such. It was a showed that spoke to me. Not to mention the theme song used for it from Dido was phenomenal. It was a show that spoke to me ... much like Buffy did from time to time. I like the writing and how it was all used to tell a story. The imagery used, the actors acting, angles and music ... all of it together to create one aesthetic framework and how moving that framework can be.


I don't know how to get there ... but I think thats where I want to be.

Randomer 2

Randomer

Men & Trucks

I always had a thing for men and trucks. And someday I'll show you what my first vehicle looked like ... if I can find a pic.

Ringing Dead Phone

I was sitting in an empty room, waiting for a dead telephone to ring. Let it be somebody, anybody to lift me out of this rut I had just found myself in. A ringing phone would be my salvation from the crushing weight of loneliness that had consumed me whole. But no ringing would come. Instead I sit in silence as the dining room light illuminates empty walls of a cavernous apartment. How big it seemed when i realised I had nothing to put in it. I sit in silence, listening to the random cracks and creaks inside the walls that echoed in my head. Please phone, ring. Just once. I don't care if its a wrong number. Save me from the excruciating pain of knowing nothing will happen. Just once, just ring once. ... ... ... But it would not ring.

My how old this memory is, like ancient ruins of this fragile mind. Its an echo of a life that once was, a ripple of a life left behind. My phone rings now.

3 digits

So apparently the roommate went to pay his tab on friday night, and upon looking at it, all he could ask in a drunken stupor was "is that three digits?"

Almost there

And so the weather is gettin nicer, the sun is staying out longer. Alas, someday it will be warm enough to slap the rollerblades on and zoom down the paths by the river. Ah yes, my own private release. Escape from the mundane. Peace from the mediocre. Just me with music, workin up a sweat .. wishing I was playing hockey yet again. Ain't nothing like your own private time to relinquish the soul.

And having a good beer afterwards is great too.

F.F. Tagged

Tagged, inked, tattoos ... the marking of human flesh to distinguish one's own individuality .. or at least that was the principle behind it all. However, nowadays its so commonly done that individuality no longers seems to be the reasoning behind it. But alas, I'm not here to argue the concepts of group membership and pop culture. Nope, instead I'm here just to drool at the sexiness of men who are tagged. Men who are sexy by their own character yet stepped it up a notch by gettin ink done. Need I really say more?




The following is the design that had taken me years to find. I had always wanted a tattoo since I was teenage, but felt that any choice that lasts a lifetime should be the right one. And it just didn't feel right flipping through a book, trying to find what caught my attention .. for me, designs were everywhere and not subjected to a mere book. Sure they were nice and all, but for me it just didn't feel right. And thusfully years have passed until I crossed this one. Now I just don't know where to tag it ... either on my calf of my right leg, or on the shoulder of my right arm. What do you think?

Bound

Bound by thought. Pretty much sums me up in a nut shell. One thought leads to another that inspires another and so on and so on and so on. A friend once suggested maybe lilfe would be simpler if I didn' think so much. The ex says I should just speak, even if its all in jumbles. All thought, no action .. maybe thats why I like Philosophy in college. And there I go again.

Living in my head, one of the sheer joys (loaded THICK with sarcasm) of living in ones head is that too much thought could lead to unnecessary troubles. Like I had mentioned earlier this week, I had to "Let Go, Again"; the situation where I was severely ill and the ex came over to take care of me only to end up staying for the entire weekend. Well, I thought too much into that. It seemed to me that he was acting as if the break up didn't even happen. It seemed as if he was trying to get back together. I was wrong. He was only trying to be a friend, for he knew I had no one to call. He knew I wouldn't have anyone to turn too. And so he came.

Simple acts a friend would do and I misconstrued them because I thought too much.

PS: I know I said no more depressing shit, but this is my blog .. and hopefully this will be the last one.

ENOUGH

I've noticed that as of late this blog has become my venting tool and has steered off course of being a fun loving, thought-provoking, glimpse of the inner workings that is me ... er, wait. .. .. .. I see, its just stopped being fun-loving. Yeah, thats it. N E Ways ... to the point, enough depressin shit. Thats what I say ... don't you agree. Don't get me wrong, I do have shit to deal with but life is about more than depressing shit 'to deal with'. So, with that in mind ... here are some pics I've stumbled upon (don't know whose they are, therefore credit cannot be given for I don't know who to give it too).

And I Let Go .. again

Okay .. I missed something. I don't know what it was ... but I missed it. And I think it was crucial that I see it too, but I didn't. Yesterday, I let go (again) of probably the only person who thought the world of me. Again. How the hell does one have to let go again, of the same person?

Sure I asked him out for coffee whiched turned into a shared dinner and a drink afterwards which resulted in me mouthing the words "I miss you", but I invited him out as a friend. I had let go of what we had and had already been trying to move on ... but then the following day, I get sick.

And I've never been that sick before, drifting in and out of consciousness; hearing things in my dreams whilst I'm awake or hearing things from the street as clear as day in my dreams. I needed someone, I needed a friend. And when he asked if I needed someone .. I tried to resist; but one has to remember that I live in a city alone with no family nearby. Roommate up and left suddenly. I am alone. So I told him, yes .. I needed some one. He came over. He wanted to make sure I got better and thus the one night turned into the whole weekend. And in this time, he cleaned my entire apartment virtually spotless, ensured I eat something (anything really) and knew what to do to make the illness vanish as soon as possible. I see him doing all this and all I can think is .. 'didn't we break up?"

Looking back, I remember talking to a friend who told me "he heard the news". He spoke with the ex at the bar who told him we broke up. And suddenly, yesterday the ex was saying he was just giving me time. Like I need anymore confusion in my head. Did we break up or not? He turned the car around suddenly and dropped me off at home. He said he'd drop off the rest of my stuff in a few days. He told my friend that we broke up. Did I miss something here?

But .. whatever it is I missed. Its irrelevant. We spoke for once .. well, he spoke, I listened. And we are in very different stages of our lives. He knows what he wants in the future .. not necessicarily with me; but with his future and is actually working for it too. I on the other hand, am a leaf in the wind. Alot of self discovery is to be made within me. And as much as he wants to be there to guide me ... I don't need a father, I need a friend. He took care of me the way a father does, in fact even spoke to me as one ... and it was nice to be taken care of. But I need to take care of myself. I may have lost my best-friend .. I just hope I didn't lose a friend.

Am I Ruff Guff?

Hmmm ... does that mean I'm intimidating too?

You Are 90% Boyish and 10% Girlish

You have a tough exterior - and usually a tough interior to match it. You're no nonsense, logical, and very assertive. Sometimes you can't understand women at all, even if you're a woman yourself. You see things rationally, and don't like to let your emotions get the best of you.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Man of 1,000 Words ... Pt. 2

By sunday the bodyaches ceased. The headaches were gone and the fever had come down drastically; although still lingered. Most signs of the flu vanished, cept for the sore throat that felt like it was ripping apart everytime I coughed. And through it all, the ex stayed by my side.

He ensured I eat as much as I could. He ensured I was comfortable but still taken care of in order to fend off the flu that consumed me the entire weekend. He asked me over and over again if there was anything he could do. And all I could reply was a shake of the head. The sore throat was bad enough that if I spoke it would erupt in a nasty cough-fest of phlegm; not a pretty picture ... nor did it feel all that great.

Either way, the ex was in all his glory. "And he is human" he proclaimed when he realises how sick I really am. There I am, head throbbing, body aching, all in all feeling like shit ... and he's happy about it. Although, if you were sick three times and your bf not even once .. you'd begin to wonder too. Nevertheless .. he was happy that for once in a sickly state he can take care of me. As mentioned, all signs of the illness were gone .. say for the sore throat; for which even the slightest word would make me cough. And so I said none ... well, said very little anyways. And that which I did speak, was spoken in a very soft tone. And this the ex took advantage of every moment he could. Knowing fully well I could not even speak a witty, assish come back with every snide remark he would say. And thusfully, throughout the day, whenever he could .. he would attack. And all I can do is glare ...

What's rather ironic is that this lil scenario is rather symbolic of my relations with life. I do not speak.

What I mean is that I do not engage on full throttle, soul-baring conversation. Not even with my parents. Not even with my best friends. There is alot about me that goes unsaid, and alot that is assumed. At times, I'm so caught up in thought that other people, other observers would know me best than I do. Even when the ex and I were together, whatever he knew about me is stuff he asked .. in his terms, he had to yank it out of me. I don't think it was a yank, I just won't share it willingly. If you ask, I'll tell you. But other than that ... I'll continue to live in my head. Besides, half the time I don't know what I'm thinking ... how would it sound aloud?

123

due to lack of originality, this post is called 123, lol. Have no idea who to credit for these ... but hey, thanks.

Man of 1,000 Words ...

A man of a thousand words, but barely speaks one; these were the words of the ex this past weekend. Yes, that means I spent more time with him .. but I needed someone. And had no one else to call .. he is the only person who could and would be there for me. You see, I got the flu this past weekend. I was bedridden, all weekend up until sunday afternoon. Friday evening and all of Saturday passed in a snap cause I was drifting in and out of consciousness. He called me up on friday, and I answered, to his surprise (I'm usually out by the time he gets off work). I told him I was sick and how bad it was .. and he offered to come over. He wondered if I needed someone ...

Now I'm not one to show vulnerability .. and considering he and I are considered broken up, I was rather hesitant. But, I was sick. My head throbbed as my body ached with the slightest movement. I was freezing cold as my body produced the heat of a powerplant. And I live alone. I live alone in a city where I have no family nearby. As sick as I ever could be, and I was alone. So when he called, and asked if I needed anyone .. how could I refuse? Plus he wanted to be there for me. I was there for the three times he was ill, I just thought he wanted to repay it all. And boy, he sure did.

He came over after his work on friday by about midnight, made me tea, tried to get me to eat and made sure I covered up in excessive amounts of blankets. The next day, while I lay weak in bed, he stayed over pretty much all day. And over at my place thats quite the task as I have no computer (and no internet) and no cable. Any DVD's I do have he's already watched. So he cleaned my apartment. Thoroughly might I add. Nearly spotless from top to bottom. All the while me drifting in and out of consciousness.

I was so sick .. and he stayed all weekend. Well until this morning (monday). Friday night until monday morning, the ex stayed with me until I got better.

Man of a 1,000 words .. but barely speaks one. Next post you'll see what that means ...

Pics

Pics I stumbled across ... no one to credit, so if its you ... they're really nice. Congrats.

... ... *sigh*

So I had dinner with the ex last night. I invited him out. I just needed to be with a friend, so I asked him. Was that wrong?

He came. We ate. We had a drink. But all in all, the air throughtout the entire night was filled with things we weren't saying to each other.

Until I mouthed the words "I miss you."

F.F. Bear Art

Woof

Awww .. how sweet and endearing is this? Nothing screams comfort like a gorgeous cub fast asleep.

What did you eat today?

So apparently everything is getting back to normal .. whatever normality exists that is. Anyways, I ended up going out last night .. no really a big surprise when you consider that fact that I've been "going out" since the breakup. And while out I ran into a friend of mine. One of the few great friends I have here in Calgary.

And as the night progressed, he looked at me with a bewildered look in his eyes.

Friend: "What did you eat today?"
Me: "What?!"
Friend: "What did you eat today?"
Me: "Why?"
Friend: "I haven't seen you this happy in weeks."
Friend: " What are you on ..."

I left it at that.

Smokingly Hot

I have to admit, there are some guys that just look good with a cigarette in mouth. As much as smoking is disgusting and smelly and all in all unattractive while talking to someone at the bar ... oh who am I kidding? I need a smoke right now.