And I sleep

Damnit, a mild depression is sinking in. Its small .. but I can feel it. In fact, I think I'm only writing this so I can get it off my chest and I can continue throughout my days. And frankly I don't know why .. I didn't do much yesterday anyways.

Ok ok ok, from the top.

Yesterday I was anxiously awaiting the clock to strike 5. I just had the longing to leave the office, I need to get outside while the sun was still out. But by the time it did, the sun was almost set. Almost, the sky was filled with streams of various colours of blue as the sun ducked behind the mountainous horizon. But, there was still light .. and thats all I wanted.

I ventured to the downtown mall just to pass the time away. Unfortunately I now realise that going to mall when all one has is 6 dollars to their name is NOT a good idea. Seeing all the jackets and clothes and DVD's one wants just makes it more depressing that one is broke. Clothing store after clothing store after book store after decorating store just made me realise that I'm not even close to affording shit like that, not even in a couple of months.

And being the thinker that I am, I started analyzing as to why I wanted all these things. And all I can come up with is that one day I'll get them. I'll get them for the sake of having them, for the sake of knowing I can have them. Sor the sake of knowing that when I have them, I willbe successful. And well, the mentality is there whereas the means isn't. Classic supply and demand .. the demand is great and the means of supplying is slim. Now of course, being the thinker I am ... this lead to yet another thought; self reflection. Why can't I get these things? Why aren't I successful.

I'm now 24 years old, and NO WHERE where I wanted to be. I should be DONE a degree by now and working a job that I didn't just "fall into". As was my predicament before I was asked to leave a college, Calgary is a place I ended up at. And for that I'm greatful at times for Calgary as shown a kind of life that isn't dull and lonely but rather quite the opposite ... but other times I can't help but feel that something is missing, something is still missing.

And so, by 7:30pm, I venured home while in a deep trance of thought. Mindlessly I cooked and ate .. and fell asleep. The bf called ... but I was far too tired to do anything. I tried talking to him, but .. couldn't.

Now he's worried. Should I be?

**** UPDATE: posted after the comment was posted ****

To clarify, this is just a lot of thinking resulting from the fact that I'm broke, which in itself is a result of the roommate suddenly moving out. I'm just stressed in that fact I'm broke right now. I'll be broke when the next payday comes around. Hell, I'll even be broke in Frebruary if I keep up with my plan to move to another apartment (and considering the street I live on right now, thats not a bad plan). I'm stressed and depressed about a current situation, combine that with whats already in my head and it leads to thinking too much which results in yesterdays events. I know I just need time .. and patience to get through a plan.

PS: no F.F. series this today. Perhaps tomorrow or sometime next week. Just no time, and couldn't find any pics I wanted to use. But here's a hint ... one word = Jersey's.