And I Let Go .. again

Okay .. I missed something. I don't know what it was ... but I missed it. And I think it was crucial that I see it too, but I didn't. Yesterday, I let go (again) of probably the only person who thought the world of me. Again. How the hell does one have to let go again, of the same person?

Sure I asked him out for coffee whiched turned into a shared dinner and a drink afterwards which resulted in me mouthing the words "I miss you", but I invited him out as a friend. I had let go of what we had and had already been trying to move on ... but then the following day, I get sick.

And I've never been that sick before, drifting in and out of consciousness; hearing things in my dreams whilst I'm awake or hearing things from the street as clear as day in my dreams. I needed someone, I needed a friend. And when he asked if I needed someone .. I tried to resist; but one has to remember that I live in a city alone with no family nearby. Roommate up and left suddenly. I am alone. So I told him, yes .. I needed some one. He came over. He wanted to make sure I got better and thus the one night turned into the whole weekend. And in this time, he cleaned my entire apartment virtually spotless, ensured I eat something (anything really) and knew what to do to make the illness vanish as soon as possible. I see him doing all this and all I can think is .. 'didn't we break up?"

Looking back, I remember talking to a friend who told me "he heard the news". He spoke with the ex at the bar who told him we broke up. And suddenly, yesterday the ex was saying he was just giving me time. Like I need anymore confusion in my head. Did we break up or not? He turned the car around suddenly and dropped me off at home. He said he'd drop off the rest of my stuff in a few days. He told my friend that we broke up. Did I miss something here?

But .. whatever it is I missed. Its irrelevant. We spoke for once .. well, he spoke, I listened. And we are in very different stages of our lives. He knows what he wants in the future .. not necessicarily with me; but with his future and is actually working for it too. I on the other hand, am a leaf in the wind. Alot of self discovery is to be made within me. And as much as he wants to be there to guide me ... I don't need a father, I need a friend. He took care of me the way a father does, in fact even spoke to me as one ... and it was nice to be taken care of. But I need to take care of myself. I may have lost my best-friend .. I just hope I didn't lose a friend.