Baby ... Spit ... and God .... hmmmmmmm

so it was my 'cool' roommates last day in the apartment. She was moving into a friends place, and since at my place she was living in a pantry (literally), who could blame her. I'd be out of there in a heartbeat. But I appreciate the gurl. It was her choice, and if she hadn't have done that I wouldn't have had a place to stay here in Calgary.

N E Who ... we were waiting for her friends to show up when we decided to cross the street and pick up some booze. Now she's a beer drinker too, (god bless) and picked some up for her, and her buds who were helping her move. I picked up my case, good ol' Canadian. (pst, if Molson is reading this, I would like my endorsement $$$ for that lil product placement comment). We went back, and cracked open our first beer. Her friends were showing up in a couple minutes anyways.

2nd Beer. Still waiting.

3rd Beer. Still waiting.

4th Beer. Yep.

5th Beer. We shootgun one for ol times sake (even though I only hung with her for a month, she's still awesome to be with).

6th Beer. And Smoke time.

By then, being half gone, we're smoking and joking on the balconey. And suddenly she spits over the patio. And 22 Floors up, u never know where anything that drops is going to land. I peer over to see where its going, and so does she. I watched as the spit plummets below and zigs and zags, left and right; just as a mother with her baby in a stroller are walking by.

NOOOOOOOOOOO! My roommate screams. I DON'T CARE IF ITS ANYONE ELSE, JUST NOT THE BABY.

She couldn't watch. She covered her eyes.

YOU KNOW, I say calmly, IF IT DID HIT THE BABY, I'D BE ALL LIKE ... "NO NO NO, IT WASN'T ME, IT CAME FROM ABOVE ... IT ... IT WAS GOD. GOD SPIT ON YOUR BABY."

It was just the laugh she needed after waiting hours for her friends to arrive.

Gay / Str8 Relationships

I was reading a column over at Out.com about gay / str8 relationships. And I must say that I just don't get it. Perhaps I'm lucky and fortunate not to have bestowed upon me the not knowing if str8 mates will abandon me upon their learning that I'm gay. I've always accepted them for who they were, and always accepted that sometimes friends just won't understand. Not because they don't want to understand, but because in thier life, they can't. I've always believed that people just need time. Plus, as younglings (I'm only 23 so obviously I'm referring to an even younger age) we were always there to support one another. (Yes, we needed help and support even at the times of being a pre-teen). But truth be told, we've already been through so much together as friends that I did not fear them. But of course, I still didn't know for sure which is probably why I hadn't come out until just recently.

But nevertheless, the article is in reference to gay / str8 relationships that have lasted a life time. And perhaps thats the one thing I don't get. (I did just mention that I'm 23 yrs) The article can be found here ... (http://www2.out.com/detail.asp?id=12310&t=senior_moment)

[I apologise if the link did not work, this 'mac' *rolls eyes* is way out of whack] UPDATE!!! Click the "Gay / Str8 Relationships" header, it will take you to the forementioned article.

For the most part, I gather, the author is implying he continued to live his is life from a young age in conformity. He attempted to live by society's implied rules of what it meant to be gay. Remind you, back in those days, being gay wasn't fashionable and definately not blunty portrayed in the popular media. And therefore, became defensive when others (like his best friend who was str8) displayed any sense of discomfort towards any element of homosexuality. But time went on, they lived their lives and both had come to the realisation that living for others is down right ridiculous. And that now, both can laugh at each others reactions towards either's sexuality and how it effects their behaviour ..... and they lived happily ever after.

I guess what I don't understand is the living for others aspect of the article. And surely, I should because I have done it. But, I don't get it anymore. ... perhaps I need more time to reflect ... and to read it again ......


In the words of Arnold, "I'll be back."

Linkage Update.

The joys of surfing the internet website-to-website, in my case blog-to-blog, is that you can totally get mixed up in what your looking at. Sometimes you'll remember a name, sometimes you won't. Other times, apparently, you'll make up a name for the sire your on (wait, is that just me?). Either way, today when I was revelling in the fact that I'm now linked on two sites, I had gone to said sites just to make my day. But only to discover that BLUESESSIONS.blogspot.com had NOT linked on their site. I was wrong. I remembered the wrong name to the site that did. In fact is was JOEYDESTINO (joeydestino.blogpsot.com) that has me linked.

........ you know what I say, "Oh well, at least I'm linked somewhere."

"Ur Mom doesn't want you here either ..."

That has got to be the funniest thing I've ever heard come out of a friends mouth. I know, it sounded like it was going to be one of my ever incessant ramblings of "how - unfortunate - life - can - be - but - u - just - gotta - be - strong" posts. But it isn't ... well, not at the moment anyways. We'll see how my frame of mind works today as I type this out.

N E WAYS ... I called up a friend of mine back home (gotta love toll free numbers) and told her that I wasn't go back to school in the fall. And she had asked ...

"What u gonna do?"

"I don't know, probably stay here in Calgary or move to Edmonton. But I'm not moving back home. I can't move back ... "

"Yeah, your mom doesn't want you here either."

LMAO. I laugh because my mom is right. I actually DO do better for myself when I'm away from my home town. It was just hilarious, that line can be spoken so candidly and bluntly .... u know you have a good friend.

On another note ... .I just found out I was linked. YAY!!! EGO BOOST. Humility rising. For its on one of my favorites site out there. One of of the new trends today is called a MOBLOG ... can you guess what that means? Heres a hint. Blog is short for weblog ... and Mo in this case stands for mobile. How suiting it is that gays are called mo's as well, lol. Back to the point, if you haven't figured it out by now ... *SLAP*. Its an online photo album. A bunch of mos go around taking pics of this and that, and post them on their online album. And well ... SOMEGUYSBUTT.TEXTAMERICA.com (someguysbutt.textamerica.com) has linked me on their site. WOW! First off, they have an awesome site. Simple concept executed with such ease. AND I'M LINKED. I'm soo happy. Reminds me of the first time I climbed the rope in gym class.

AND, as I was surfing the other sites they had linked ... I found another site where I was linked. WOO HOO! Who knew?! BLUESESSIONS.BLOGSPOT.com (bluesessions.blogspot.com), as I've just discovered today, has some nice pictures of some really HOT guys. I'm still coming to know this site, so I'll let you know when I've come to a thorough judgement. Thus far, it's hot.

THANK YOU BOTH OF YOU for making my day. AND for letting me know that people DO read my blog. KUDO's. I just wish I had money so I can do with my blog what they do with theirs. Thanks for reminding us how the sheer joys of the internet.

PS. YAY, no depressing shit, lol.

September 1996, 589 (693 - 100)

More files, more papers, more heavy lifting. The sheer joys of summer jobs and its relentless facade of getting "experience". I'm making labels for numerour boxes containing countless files. The legal industry, number one killer of forests.

the office had just renovated before I started, and guess whose doing all the heavy lifting. Never seems to fail, always the heavy lifting with every summer job I'm employed in. But I don't complain, aloud.

September, 1996, 589 (693 - 1000)

The box this file is in is number 23. Definately feels like a lot more. Could have sworn a swarm of files just blew by. But, its only number 23.

Phone rings. "Good Afternoon, Uptown Lawyers ... "

"Hey, its mom."

"Hi mom." My face brightens.

"I found that letter."

"Good, you gonna fax it over?"

"Bad news."

I was hoping against hope that this wouldn't be the letter I was dreading for the past two years.

"The college is asking you to withdraw for a year."

Silence.

"What happened?" my mom asks surprised. I had never told her anything about my life. That's probably one of the reasons why she thinks I'm so well off. So much in my head I just never told her. It wasn't until recently I've told her the one thing that's connected to my goal to find happiness.

And why is it, that every time I'm in a situation where I need to talk to her, we're on the phone or communicating through email. Funny how serious conversations never happen in person.

"It was a bunch of stuff mom, in my head."

"Oh, these past few months?" she assumes.

"They've been there for two years."

More silence. Maybe she's now understanding how much of a toll its taken being in the closet for so long.

"Some classes I did awesome in," I continue out of a need to end the silence. "Others I just had no energy to do."

"Or even to care," I think.

It starts to sink in. I'm not going to school in september like I had planned. Sheer joy wants to burst out like the rising sun behind a horizon. I was never really in school for me anyways. But fright sets in as I realise that I don't have solid education to back me up in my new job search. Anger and hatred are creeping cause I have no one to blame but myself. I did this, I did this to me.

October 1996, 589 (0001 - 0530)

More files need to get done.

Complete Utter Crickets

Sadness. Joy. Overwhlemed. Releived. Searching. Confusion. I just received a letter from the college I was attending, which asks that I DO NOT reapply for this upcoming year. I don't know what to say to that. There were two classes that I received AWESOME marks in, and two others I failed miserably. All because I just didn't care at the time. Truth be told, I stopped caring two years ago. How would you feel when you realised that everything your doing just feels so wrong?

But it was all I knew. What do you do after high school? Simple, college. At least I thought it was simple. Instead, I was only going to please my mother and look good for other people (since I know that I AM pretty much the only one still in school). I knew that I was supposed to be going somewhere. I was supposed to have a goal to acheive, a plan to follow. But the only goal I had in my life was to be happy. That was my goal because at the time, I wasn't. And that was simply because I could never be who I am. So I dealt with that the best way I know how. I through myself off a cliff to see if I could fly. I came out, even though I had no one to support me or help me through these times (I had no gay friends and all friends I did have couldn't say anything that would have helped, for they just don't know what its like). So, although blindfolded, I ventured out on the path towards "coming out" and being comfortable with myself in front of others. It wasn't enough to merely 'know' myself that I was gay, I had to tell others as well. I mean, theres only so many times you can hear "So, do you have a girlfriend yet?" before you want to he-bitch-man-slap the next person who asks. So thats what I was working on, and unfortunately, it sent me into depressions at a few times that I just couldn't deal with school. But I couldn't work a dead end job either. And thats what made me stay in school.

I can't go back to school, literally. Who knew such a scenario existed. All I've ever heard of was ...

I can 't go to school because I didn't finish high school.

I can't go back because I have a kid(s).

I can't go back because I have a family to support.

Never have I thought that, "I can't go back because the school won't let me." And come to think of it, I should have. It happened to a friend of mine once.

I'm confused. I don't know what to feel. I'm sorry that I did this to myself. I'm angry that I did this to myself. Yet, I'm relieved too. I'm happy about it. Why? Where can I go without a college education these days. But I was even asking at one point, "where can I go WITH a college education?". I guess its time to stop mindlessly following the crowd, and to truly set out and create the world I want.

News like this is a bad joke, one thats just not funny. Once its told, there's complete utter silence. All you can hear, are the crickets. Complete ... utter ... crickets.

Insert Witty Title Here (if ya can ..).

14 years old. 14 years old ... my sister is 15 ... and when I look at her all I can think is "Oh God, I was one fucked up kid. Thank God she isn't." I got my first job ever when I was 14 years old. Security beleive or not, for my hometown. It was either $5.50 or $7 bucks an hour, either way for me it was alot of money. But I must admit, the whole reason I started working was because I had just discovered alcohol and drugs, and work would give me money so that I could buy more. I didn't realise it then, but I was depressed as a child, abandoned by everyone because of my parents separation. (and BTW, I no longer seek sympathy or pity ... I now know that shit happens and sometimes theres nothing you can do to stop it) So shit happened, shit that made every person in my family leave. It felt like they left me, both parents and both older siblings; but truth be told, they were only dealing with the situation as best they can, not realizing what it was doing to us three younger kids (I was 14, brother was 12, sister was 6 yrs). And not knowing what was going on, I too became a shell. An empty wanderer comsumed in my own self pity. Of course, I never told anyone this for I played the part of a normal functioning well adjusted young boi. I lied. So I made friends, left my home and moved in with friends. And so my working career began.

Like I said, my first job was with a security company. Odd jobs left and right, working dispatch, being on patrol (14 yr old on patrol, what a joke), clean up duties. I remember, when I was on patrol (driving around in my moms truck [I was only 14, but I've been driving since I was 8 yrs]), I passed a parked limo in the ghetto portion of my town (which is like 2 blocks away from the good portion of town ... there isn't a whole lotta town). And I noticed some guys holding something shiny. I didn't think much of it and drove on. Then BAM. Drive by shooting on my cousin's cousins home. A limo drive-by in my lil ass town. Less than two minutes after I seen the limo, it happens. And I'm working security, AT 14 YEARS OLD! Needless to say, I wasn't working for security again the next year. (it was only a summer job)

Throughout the ages (I laugh at that expression since I'm only 23, lol), I've worked many places.

14 yrs old, Security (summer job)

15 - 17 yrs old, video store clerk (part-time and school), I had quit because I wanted time to myself, but ended up being called to a store meeting. And when the meeting was over, confused I asked "Didn't I quit?" My boss looked at me and said, "Yes, you did. Here's the new schedule."

At 18 years old, I was the manager of the video store. Lets just say some of the employees did not like a boss who was alot younger than them. AND, I RAN THAT STORE INTO THE GROUND, lol. Nah, upper management was deciding what to do with the store when I got to be manager. They chose to shut down, damage was done that could not be fixed.

18-19 years, more video stores (Video Update, Headquarters, yadda yadda yadda)

19 yrs (summer job), Child Services for the Gov't. By oath, I'm not at liberty to say what I've seen in the files, but I'll say this ... some kids have got it REAL BAD.

19 yrs old, (during school) Teacher Assistant for a Drama Class in my high school.

20 yrs (summer job) receptionist for a Management Consulting/Investment Firm. And held that job for three years.

23 yrs old (summer job) Receptionist for a Law Firm.

Along the way, I had quit the drugs and alcohol. Moving from school to school, having many friends, losing some friends, getting into vehicle accidents ... I seen the big picture. I had to take care of me. And it seemed that when I realised this, my family came back. We were different people since we parted ways, but we each had a profound relationship for each other and a sense of respect for one another. We stopped pointing at each other and placing blame for our misfortunes and started looking inward. We're definately closer today than when we were before my world changed. A sense of understanding has been developed. And when I look at my younger sister of 15 yrs old, I'm glad she doesn't have to go through all that, for its a lonely road. A road that many don't come back from. Although my heart never left her, I still had to come back for not only her sake, but for my own; and I'm glad I came back to her so that she can never doubt that she was loved. She is loved, this I tell her. I keep her young, and she keeps me young.

Long post, I know. And I'm sorry, it wasn't my intent on being this long and serious. I was going to be witty with my "Jobs I've Had" list. Apparently not, lol. Either way ...

Gay Father with his Gay Son

Firstly, *ahem* GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER. Secondly ... actually I think that was it. N E Ways, yesterday I had gone to the gym (as per usual) and finally started the workout for my legs and focusing on my abs (if you could see me, you'd know why). Anywho, it has been a long time since I did exercises for my lower body, that afterward I had gone for a walk so that my legs would not cramp up. Now, usually when I go for a walk, I end up at the bar. (Drinking problem? Of course not. I drink; Get drunk; No problem.)

And when there, I met up with this guy who I've been seeing there for the past four days. (Oh no, I've been going there for the past four days. That is sooo sad.) He's a cool guy and all, definately one you can joke with. And apparently he was there with his son, who happened to be gay as well. One point for the genetic argument. Talk about father/son bonding being taken to a whole new level (*ahem* once again, get your mind out of the gutter). And I had wanted to ask them so many questions, such as:

- When did your son come out to you?

- Has your son always known you were gay?

- What does your ex-wife/girlfriend think about this?

- How would you descriube the dynamics between you and your son and your relationship with the rest of the world?

- Can you buy me beer?

- Maybe a shooter?

But went against it. For at the time, although I felt that it was a subject that I found interesting, to bestow its appealing nature to other people (especially those involved in the subject) would be rude. Plus, for them its normal. I mean, what else do they know? Its just one of those facts of life that rarely happen (at least that I have noticed).

And yes, he bought me a beer.

UberCinemaphile

I remember back in the day, I was an Ubercinemaphile. My entire family, including relatives, would ask me what movie was worth going to see in the theaters, or if they should just wait to rent it when its released on video/DVD. I was always caught up in the latest releases and upcoming attractions. I would literally be irritated if we missed the previews while going to the movies. Back then, thats who I was. I recognised what logo belonged to what production company. I understood what foreshadowing meant in a movie and how to look out for it. I've come to know that there were cetain rules that movies followed.

But most of all, I loved going out to movies with friends. I loved talking about the "cool scenes" in any movie that was just watched. It was almost as if our adrenaline was pumped skyhigh. Sure they didn't understand a whole lot about movies like I did and so I couldn't really talk about what I wanted to (although there were times when I could teach them film lingo / aesthetic elements, etc; which boosted my ego, and my geek factor), but they knew what they liked. And what mattered was that we were there. Hanging out, doing something we all loved to do, getting caught up in an escape protrayed on the big screen.

I miss it. I can't remember the last movie I've seen in the theaters. Something I loved so much, is gone.

changemind

There's just something about people who create/design that I love. An artistic soul is very appealling to me, like a moth to a flame, or a frat boi to a keg of beer. And I'm always in awe to what and whom I discover. I love experiencing art pieces, whether it be music, photography, paintings, movies, etc, etc, etc. I just love it. And with that said, theres a new link ... www.changemind.com Great stories. I love it.

"Its hotter than a pizza in here."

So I met my cousin yesterday for the first time in 4 years. Apparently she's living in this city too. Who knew?! We had lunch yesterday and did nothing but talk. Last time I seen her, she just had a baby (I think, either just had or had been a year since she did). Well now, she has two kids, and another on the way. So much can happen in four years. I'm so glad she found me and called me. Cause apparently she has no phone anyways. But anywho ... her oldest is at the age where he's starting to get a personality. An attitude is eagerly sprouting in that child. One day, when it was scortchingly hot, her son comments

"Mom, its hotter than a pizza in here."

"What?"

"Its hotter than a pizza in here."

My cousin, his mom, could do nothing but laugh laugh laugh. God bless children.

So, when we were talking, she put the notion in my head that I should go out. So I did. I went out to the bar, and apparently it was Amatuer Strip night. WOO HOO. Nothing I like better the regular joes shaking their booty as sexy as they can to win $100. And last night, there was only one contestant. He must have been rediculously happy about that, until the host brought up another fella and convinced him to partake in the stripping festivities. And all I can say, is DAMN ... if he looks that sexy with his clothes on ....

And then came his strip show, his five minutes of fame. And wow, tightie whities. And he danced and shacked his booty, right in front of me ... literally. So needless to say, I choose this muscle boy over the twink (who apparently shakes his booty every amatuer night anyways). And oddly enough I was choosen as the judge, simply because out of every guy that was "woo hoo'ing" their favorite, I sat unassumingly and quiet with a smile across my face. Even the silent, quiet guy can be noticed. So yeah, hot muscle boi won .. and good for him, cause he was visiting from Vancouver. DAMN he was hot ... hotter than a pizza.

Chapters, Karaoke, A Deer in the City

Quite a bit happened yesterday. Day off from the gym so I went window shopping at a mall. Then off to Chapters. Wanted a beer, so I went to a bar. It was karaoke night, so I sang "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. Was getting hit on by this totally hot, yet totally drunk dude(who turned out to be a leech). Walked home. Slept. Here at work again. But, it was a good night.

But worth mentioning, last night, after a great night at the bar, I was walking home in downtown Calgary; I was approaching an intersection about three blocks away from my apartment, and BAM, A deer crosses my path. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY, a deer hops along the street. I'm just so glad there wasn't any oncoming traffic. But that, had to be the coolest thing I've ever seen. Sure I've seen deer before, but mostly in the country side back home. But here, in the middle of the city, wow. I must say, I was blessed to see it. And the deer was literally a few yards from me. I can see clearly the white spots on its back.

Alot of stuff happened yesterday. But I think I'll keep it to myself. Oh, except for the totally hot dude chatting with his girl-bud (they way there sitting and chatting, no way were they together) at Chapters. I saw him, he saw me. Out of shyness I looked away. I looked at him again (and if u seen him, you'd now why), and he looked at me again, a very small smile peeked out. I shyed out. I looked again. He looked again. And I walked out of Chapters without getting to know his name or getting a number. Why must I do this to myself. And I wonder why I'm single. pft

proud yet lonely

So, tis monday June 13th, 2005. No longer does Calgary celebrate Pride Week. Nope, that is all gone and done with. Instead, Calgary will now celebrate Pride MONTH. Yes, it is now official, pride for ones own sexual diversity has been extended to a month in this great cow town of Alberta.

So yesterday, I went to my first Pride Parade ever. And how was it, peh. Sure it was a site to see, and I'm sure its quite the event to attend when your with friends; however I don't have any. (and that just sounds too sad to post, I think I'll erase that ... nahhhh) What I mean is that since I moved here, I've had str8 roommates who go to str8 bars and I therefore haven't really met any gay people. I haven't really been scene-oriented around gay cult-cha. And therefore, when all these pride events started coming around, I had no one to go with. For the cool roommate moved out, and the other is a quiet homebody. Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with being a homebody, BUT, I'm a homebody too. I'm quiet myself; I have a tendency to live in my head. And with two people like that, sure we love our peace and quiet, but there are times when you just want to be loud. The inner party animal is just craving to bust loose. And that can't happen with the two of us.

Anyways, I'm looking to make some friends who I can hang out with, go to a club or a lounge with, go out to eat or to the movies with, and at the sametime who happens to be gay. And thats hard to do, when your a quiet introvert such as I. Plus, meeting good friends at the bar or the lounge is just asking for trouble anyways. My resources are really slim to zilch at the moment. I have no computer to meet anyone online (plus a few of those guys are just psycho). I have no money to buy equipment to play on a sports team. And I have no car (which really does help, I remember cause I used to have one).

And I realise that right now I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I know I have to do something, I just don't know what that something is. I'm always open for something new and meeting new people. But, as said before, I'm an introvert. I live in my head and I'm a listener. So if the other person isn't going to talk, then whats the point? If I ever met you, just talk. I won't judge. Trust me, I've seen a lot of shit in my life to know that judgement holds no purpose or value. Everyone has a story behind them and not everyone will be the same. ... ... ... ... and I'm ranting.

So, if you have friends to hang with, thank them. Appreciate them. Buy them a drink or a meal just to say thanks for being there.

Pardon me while I burst into Flames

Pardon me while I burst.
A decade ago, I never thought I would be,
A 23 on the verge of spontaneous combustion, war with me.
But I guess that it comes with the territory.
An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear. I need you to see.
That I have had all I can take,
And exploding seems like definite possibility, to me.

So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and its people's mindless games
So Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me, I'll never be the same

Not two days ago I was having a look in a book
And I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said I can relate
Cause lately I've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation form
The burden of the planet earth, like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being free.
But thinking so much differently

Pardon me while I burst into flames
I've have enough of the world, and its people's mindless games
Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me, I'll never be the same
Never be the same.
Pardon me while I burst into flames.

--- Incubus ---

From Blog to Blog and back again

Out of habit and sheer boredom, plus the commercialization of profit making corporate websites has lost all appeal, I find myself surfing the internet blog to blog. As mentioned before, the 'take it or leave it' metality of all postings plus the concept in individualization per blog is very enticing. Its like coming to know a person without actually knowing them. Rather voyeuristic and all, but still appealing. Its like stalking without actually stalking, lol.

And I'm coming to realize that its not just the anonymity I like. Its the idea that I can peek into other peoples lives and see what they think and what they feel. They offer a wider scope of being that my life at the moment is not engaged in; whether it be relationships or dating, a close circle of friends, insight on the latest pop culture icons. They're always engaged in something that I myself am not. And I'm coming to realise that perhaps my life is not where I want it to be.

Its cliche'd that you don't know what you have, until its gone. Sure, that's been proven true on many occassions. However, there are situations where you realise that you don't know what you have until you realised you've never had it, and I mean at all. Reading numerous blogs on many occassions (and I will continue to read them), I've begun to feel like I was cheated; like something is missing and I'm just now realising it. Cheated by whom? Well, does that really matter at this moment. Realities of the past cannot be changed and therefore blame holds little or no value. Instead, restoration is dependant on me and no one else. But how can I supplement whats missing? If I've never had it, how can I replace it? How do I know how much value to bestow on it? (realise that "it" is a generalization that can be substituted for any idea/concept) It is elusive to me, and therefore I don't really know what to do.

But nevertheless, I realise why I'm in the situation I'm in. If I was cheated, theres a very good chance that it was because of what I myself did. Fearing society, I altered myself to fit. And thats something I've done from an early age. The need for group membership is strong within everyone, whether that group be a close circle of friends, an ethnic group or any other group with obvious membership guidelines. And should any aspect of ourselves threaten this membership, suppression and repression come into play. We do whatever we can to fit in without fully realizing that we're destroying ourselves in the process. Our individuality is crushed, and soon forgotten as time goes on. We get what we want, but what do we lose in the process?

hmmm ... with this posting, my intention was to ponder what it is I'm missing in my life, and what also leaked out was my insecurity of who I am. Rather odd since a few postings ago that was my exact topic. I know the obviousness' that I am, but what do they mean? Nevertheless, I see that what is missing in my life is linked to how I define myself. How can anyone be expected to have fun and to live when they've altered themselves so much in the past that they don't know how to have fun or how to live. A boyfriend will not change that. A close circle of friends will not change that. No matter how many people I come out too, it will not change that.

I now see that in order to get what I want in life, I need to know who I am. And only I can answer that. *sigh* I have a very long and lonely road ahead of me.

Day 5, Still Raining

So the morbid mentality of handling death has passed. As always it comes unexpectedly, and no matter how many times one says "they're okay", you just know they're going through something that they can't do alone. But no matter what you do or say, you can't help anyone who doesn't want your help. And sometimes, when you want to do so much, just by being there you are doing so much. Your letting people know that you love them and that no matter what happens, you'll be there. And I suppose thats enough.

I left to be with family last friday. It had just started to rain then. A few down pours that would last for a few minutes, then calmness; and then a slight drizzle, and calmness again, and so on and so forth. I had left that morning so I didn't think it was going to be bad. But it did rain the whole time I was on the Greyhound, but when I got home further north of Alberta, it was calm. Sure there were clouds in the cky, but it wasn't raining at the moment. Although it definately wanted to.

I was home for the entire weekend, spending time with family. And finally came back to Calgary late sunday night. It wasn't raining then either, it was a calm night; still cloudy, but calm. Well, its tuesday now, and its still raining. Apparently its been like this for 5 days. It sucks, cause now I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to stay in my apartment and hibernate. Which sucks, cause this was suppose to be my week to go to the gym, everyday. Go swimming everyday, walk 70 floors of stairs, everyday. Go hardcore, everyday. BUT NOOOOO!!!! Damn rain is diminishing my motivation (which was slim to begin with anyways) *sigh* I hope it stops soon.

And since topic today is about an abundance of water; a pipe started leaking in my walls. Throughout the whole damn building, all 23 floors of apartments, all rooms in the building .... BAM, theres a leak in MY room. So now I have to get the pipe fixed and get new drywall for the soaked wall. Ok ok ok, I'm not the one fixing this. Instead its the apartment management thats dealing with it. But the patience of waiting for something to get done thats out of my hand is just ... argh. And I STILL have water stuck in my carpet too. RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR. WHY? Everywhere I live I end up dealing with a leak. WTF?!

*Sigh* I guess the weather is symbolic of what I'm feeling. I wonder, if I start to feel better, will the rain go away?

Death ...

Death. The word alone holds some sort of strength that paralyzes people into deep thought. A strength that can pull one out of whatever mood they're in and plunge them into a whirlwind of feelings and thoughts. And they're mainly thoughts about ones own mortality or feelings for loved ones long passed. One word can do so much to everyone.

And the act of death, well thats much much harder. The aftermath of ones passing manifests the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings into reality. Its no longer in ones head. More real is mortality. Heightened are ones emotions. The whirlwind consumes all. When does one get out of it? When does the whirlwind die out? Does it end? Or does one just learn to live with it, and that it never ends? Instead does the whirlwind stay a reality? Does one continue their breathing days with the storm that is outside?

Who Am I?

In the spirit of OPIEblue.typepad.com .... the question of "who am I" arose. And now, I can't think of any other better time to answer. The Obviousness that is I shall be the answer, and its easier to see those since I'm not really in the state of mind where I'm questioning my actions.

I am Justin. I am Gay. I am Native. I am spiritual. I'm a late bloomer in many aspects of life. I'm a student still wondering what he's gonna be when he's grow'd up. I'm a great friend (or at least attempt to be). I have a big heart. I'm an annoying older brother to my younger sister. I'm an annoying younger brother to my older brother. I'm a God Father to 3 God Sons (greatest and craziest kids ever, I love them to death). I'm an uncle, cousin, nephew to many many people. I'm a son and grandson. I'm a best friend. I'm a renter. I'm quiet at times, loud at the rare moments (usually witnessed by my younger sister). I'm a singer. I'm an aspiring guitar player. I'm a poet who won't write. I'm an artist whose canvas is thought. I'm a movie junkie. I'm a receptionist in a law firm. I'm strong minded when it comes to my values. I'm told that I'm smart. I'm a dreamer. I'm a surfer with no waves to surf. I'm a beach bum with no beach to lay on. I'm rich, with no money to spend. I'm a dancer who does it once a week at a club. I'm a beer drinker (more than one time a week). I'm an aspiring Rugger. I'm a hockey player who hasn't worn skates in years. I like to play sports rather than watch them on TV. I'm a student with a blog and numerous email accounts and I haven't owned my own computer EVER. I'm a world traveller (or at least am going to be). I was a night-traveller (out of body experiences at will). And I can go on. But more importantly, I am me; even if I don't know who that is. They change is the only constant. They're wrong. Because I will always be me.

Find Urself a Back Down, it is ur Privilege

Borrowed a CD (not in the habit of downloading yet, no PC of my own) from a good bud of mine, and DAMN> Completely forgot how AWESOME Incubus is. From their blast off hit "Drive" to others that I've never heard before. Most likely because I've never owned their CD. "Pardon Me", "Privilege", and "Drive" are some of the best tunes on this Album. Which apparently was their third album. It was release in 1999 (I was either 17 or 18 at the time, depending which month). The album was called "Make Yourself".

Not since November 3rd, 2004 has Incubus released anything (I supposed thats still considered recent since a year has as of yet to pass). But, I haven't heard it. If its anything like Make Yourself, then I really should go and check it out. For one thing, the singing ... wow.

Speaking of which, since I'm on the topic of music. Audioslave. First ALBUM was gold. There just something about it that separated it from the rest of the rock/alternative bands out there. And now, the album thats currently in stores, from what I gather sounds NOTHING like what I've come to identify as Audioslave. NOTHING! But alas, I'm judging from what I heard in the commercials, cause I've never actually heard the album. So why not, I'll go check that one out too.

Furthermore

Alright, some time has passed and with a clearer head I can read the last post and see what kind of impression it makes. And I must say, that it wasn't very clear on what I was trying to say. And truthfully, I don't know if I can clear it up.

Lets put it this way, yesterday I met a guy who was a pain in the ass (*insert your own joke here*). Really, I just did not get off on him, or them for that matter for I met a few guys last night. After getting to know them a bit, I just did not like them as people. For one thing, No means no. Take it personal if you'd like, but not everyone you meet wants to go home with you. And just cause I said no, it doesn't mean I'm under any obligation to buy you a drink. You took a risk in approaching me, and like most risks there isn't always a pay off. Also, stop acting like your shyte don't stink. Sure I denied you, but that isn't an indication to come on any stronger. Sure persistence is a nice quality to have, but there's a fine line between persistent and just plain pushy. And racial jokes and other racial commentaries directed toward people that qualifies as talking behind someone's back, just stay away from that. Thats just not cool.

Okay, I hope that clears it all up.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Why do I attract losers? Okay, perhaps too harsh a word for what I'm thinking about. But nevertheless, I seem to be attracting guys that are trying too hard to either impress me or get my attention or just to simply get on my good side. And I mean TOO HARD. I mean I know that they're just trying to spark up conversation and whatever, trying to make some good jokes to leave a good impression of themselves, however jokes that are just plainly rude and ignorant in nature just don't cut it with me. And definately don't leave a good first impression with me. Honestly, I don't like jokes that poke fun regarding a trait that was inevitable, written in the stars so to speak, about me; so I transfer that to other people as well.

Okay, I don't know if I'm making sense here. Hell, I don't know how to say what it is I'm trying to say. But the jist of it is that I'm attracting guys who do not have attractive personalities. Hell, they're down right ugly to me.

Maybe its that I know being gay doesn't define me as a person. Every guy I've met, or at least every guy that has tried to pick me up, seems to be defined by his 'gayness', a proud gay man of the new millenium. Now don't get me wrong here, I'm as proud as the next gay man. However, being gay is not the only thing going on in my life right now. I have other shyte to deal with. My mind isn't always focused on sex or anything thats gay oriented. (also true is that I do think about sex alot, lol, I am young afterall) But there's so much more to gay life than being gay. A lot of guys I've met seem to focus on the 'gay' aspect, and forget about 'life'.

*sigh* Someday I'll meet a funny, handsome man who happens to be gay. He'll let me be who I am, and will love me for it.