Complete Utter Crickets

Sadness. Joy. Overwhlemed. Releived. Searching. Confusion. I just received a letter from the college I was attending, which asks that I DO NOT reapply for this upcoming year. I don't know what to say to that. There were two classes that I received AWESOME marks in, and two others I failed miserably. All because I just didn't care at the time. Truth be told, I stopped caring two years ago. How would you feel when you realised that everything your doing just feels so wrong?

But it was all I knew. What do you do after high school? Simple, college. At least I thought it was simple. Instead, I was only going to please my mother and look good for other people (since I know that I AM pretty much the only one still in school). I knew that I was supposed to be going somewhere. I was supposed to have a goal to acheive, a plan to follow. But the only goal I had in my life was to be happy. That was my goal because at the time, I wasn't. And that was simply because I could never be who I am. So I dealt with that the best way I know how. I through myself off a cliff to see if I could fly. I came out, even though I had no one to support me or help me through these times (I had no gay friends and all friends I did have couldn't say anything that would have helped, for they just don't know what its like). So, although blindfolded, I ventured out on the path towards "coming out" and being comfortable with myself in front of others. It wasn't enough to merely 'know' myself that I was gay, I had to tell others as well. I mean, theres only so many times you can hear "So, do you have a girlfriend yet?" before you want to he-bitch-man-slap the next person who asks. So thats what I was working on, and unfortunately, it sent me into depressions at a few times that I just couldn't deal with school. But I couldn't work a dead end job either. And thats what made me stay in school.

I can't go back to school, literally. Who knew such a scenario existed. All I've ever heard of was ...

I can 't go to school because I didn't finish high school.

I can't go back because I have a kid(s).

I can't go back because I have a family to support.

Never have I thought that, "I can't go back because the school won't let me." And come to think of it, I should have. It happened to a friend of mine once.

I'm confused. I don't know what to feel. I'm sorry that I did this to myself. I'm angry that I did this to myself. Yet, I'm relieved too. I'm happy about it. Why? Where can I go without a college education these days. But I was even asking at one point, "where can I go WITH a college education?". I guess its time to stop mindlessly following the crowd, and to truly set out and create the world I want.

News like this is a bad joke, one thats just not funny. Once its told, there's complete utter silence. All you can hear, are the crickets. Complete ... utter ... crickets.