September 1996, 589 (693 - 100)

More files, more papers, more heavy lifting. The sheer joys of summer jobs and its relentless facade of getting "experience". I'm making labels for numerour boxes containing countless files. The legal industry, number one killer of forests.

the office had just renovated before I started, and guess whose doing all the heavy lifting. Never seems to fail, always the heavy lifting with every summer job I'm employed in. But I don't complain, aloud.

September, 1996, 589 (693 - 1000)

The box this file is in is number 23. Definately feels like a lot more. Could have sworn a swarm of files just blew by. But, its only number 23.

Phone rings. "Good Afternoon, Uptown Lawyers ... "

"Hey, its mom."

"Hi mom." My face brightens.

"I found that letter."

"Good, you gonna fax it over?"

"Bad news."

I was hoping against hope that this wouldn't be the letter I was dreading for the past two years.

"The college is asking you to withdraw for a year."

Silence.

"What happened?" my mom asks surprised. I had never told her anything about my life. That's probably one of the reasons why she thinks I'm so well off. So much in my head I just never told her. It wasn't until recently I've told her the one thing that's connected to my goal to find happiness.

And why is it, that every time I'm in a situation where I need to talk to her, we're on the phone or communicating through email. Funny how serious conversations never happen in person.

"It was a bunch of stuff mom, in my head."

"Oh, these past few months?" she assumes.

"They've been there for two years."

More silence. Maybe she's now understanding how much of a toll its taken being in the closet for so long.

"Some classes I did awesome in," I continue out of a need to end the silence. "Others I just had no energy to do."

"Or even to care," I think.

It starts to sink in. I'm not going to school in september like I had planned. Sheer joy wants to burst out like the rising sun behind a horizon. I was never really in school for me anyways. But fright sets in as I realise that I don't have solid education to back me up in my new job search. Anger and hatred are creeping cause I have no one to blame but myself. I did this, I did this to me.

October 1996, 589 (0001 - 0530)

More files need to get done.