From Blog to Blog and back again

Out of habit and sheer boredom, plus the commercialization of profit making corporate websites has lost all appeal, I find myself surfing the internet blog to blog. As mentioned before, the 'take it or leave it' metality of all postings plus the concept in individualization per blog is very enticing. Its like coming to know a person without actually knowing them. Rather voyeuristic and all, but still appealing. Its like stalking without actually stalking, lol.

And I'm coming to realize that its not just the anonymity I like. Its the idea that I can peek into other peoples lives and see what they think and what they feel. They offer a wider scope of being that my life at the moment is not engaged in; whether it be relationships or dating, a close circle of friends, insight on the latest pop culture icons. They're always engaged in something that I myself am not. And I'm coming to realise that perhaps my life is not where I want it to be.

Its cliche'd that you don't know what you have, until its gone. Sure, that's been proven true on many occassions. However, there are situations where you realise that you don't know what you have until you realised you've never had it, and I mean at all. Reading numerous blogs on many occassions (and I will continue to read them), I've begun to feel like I was cheated; like something is missing and I'm just now realising it. Cheated by whom? Well, does that really matter at this moment. Realities of the past cannot be changed and therefore blame holds little or no value. Instead, restoration is dependant on me and no one else. But how can I supplement whats missing? If I've never had it, how can I replace it? How do I know how much value to bestow on it? (realise that "it" is a generalization that can be substituted for any idea/concept) It is elusive to me, and therefore I don't really know what to do.

But nevertheless, I realise why I'm in the situation I'm in. If I was cheated, theres a very good chance that it was because of what I myself did. Fearing society, I altered myself to fit. And thats something I've done from an early age. The need for group membership is strong within everyone, whether that group be a close circle of friends, an ethnic group or any other group with obvious membership guidelines. And should any aspect of ourselves threaten this membership, suppression and repression come into play. We do whatever we can to fit in without fully realizing that we're destroying ourselves in the process. Our individuality is crushed, and soon forgotten as time goes on. We get what we want, but what do we lose in the process?

hmmm ... with this posting, my intention was to ponder what it is I'm missing in my life, and what also leaked out was my insecurity of who I am. Rather odd since a few postings ago that was my exact topic. I know the obviousness' that I am, but what do they mean? Nevertheless, I see that what is missing in my life is linked to how I define myself. How can anyone be expected to have fun and to live when they've altered themselves so much in the past that they don't know how to have fun or how to live. A boyfriend will not change that. A close circle of friends will not change that. No matter how many people I come out too, it will not change that.

I now see that in order to get what I want in life, I need to know who I am. And only I can answer that. *sigh* I have a very long and lonely road ahead of me.