New Year ... A New Year: prt One

I sat behind the steering wheel staring off into the abyss before me, gazing off with no intentional stare as I find myself doing alot lately. The music from my Ipod played softly as my mom chatted on her cell phone on the hundredth call for the day. My two nieces sat with my lil sis in the back of the SUV, conversing back and forth as they usually do.

I slow to a halt and yeild to an approaching vehicle when my youngest niece catches my attention. "Did I cry?" she innocently asks.

I turn my head to catch her conversation with my sister, who replies "I don't know."

"What?" I ask.

"Did I cry," my neice asks again quite bluntly, "at my moms funeral?"

The car came quiet as I sat bewildered. I looked at my younger sis through the rear view mirror as she replied while staring at the floor a somber "I don't know."

My older sisters funeral was just weeks ago, and I sat in awe that her daughter, my niece didn't know whether she cried or not. Tears wanted to escape my eyes. "I can't remember," she said.

After another brief moment of silence, I answered her, "yes you did."

"Did I?!" she asked as if to be surprised. "When?" she went on, "At the wake or when we buried her."

"Both. But you cried alot when we were burying her. Your other Kokum (grandma) was holding on to you."

She sat quitely, thinking. "I don't remember," she said again.

"I do," I told her.

My brothers daughter, my other niece, started talking with her again; and then they were off in their own worlds again. As was my lil sis, who was now listening to her own Ipod, earphones and all.

From the corner of my eye I can see my mom glaring off into the horizon, just as I had been doing before the converstation started.

Slowly, I stepped on the gas and proceeded down the road so that we all may continue our Christmas shopping, which was only days away.

New Year ... A New Year

Cabs Suck

And so today (or night, since its 3 AM), I took two cabs to get home. Two.

The past few days have been nuts since our lounge closed down for renovations which also means labor must but cut as well. And therefore, today, I have two other able bodies in the kitchen instead of 5. And to make matters more interesting, they were all scheduled off early, leaving me even more clean up to do myself. Now maybe I'm just too used to the way it used to be, but it was hard.

After work, around 2AM, I called a cab. Now I must mention that I live on the other side of downtown and the only route to get home was through downtown. The ride does get interesting and expensive when you hit all the red lights.

As tired as I was, and even moreso because I have to be up early the next day to open the restuarant I had just closed, I was releived when the cab showed up mere minutes after I called. I jumped in, gave him my address, put on my headphones and slowly started dazed off (but I didn't fall asleep).

Next I know, after taking a phone call on his cell phone, the cabbie pulls over at a hotel and asks another cab (of a different company) if he's busy. He was, and we were off again, to another hotel where he dropped me off. Now, I'm nowhere near home, in fact, I'm only half way home AND halfway through downtown. From here, I had to hail another cab to get home.

I called the company and complained, who in return "assured" me that the cabbie was "disciplined" (whoever could not tell me how because it was against policy to do so). Whatever. And so, it costed me more to get home than it should in money, and time.

I'm still thinking about calling the Taxi Commission (the other cab I hailed told me to do so as that he seen what happened).

I'm OK

And so, last week was just one of those things where I'm bomb-barded with emotion, leaving me little time to assess whats going on and having no choice but to roll with it. A lot of times, when emotions like that come around, its a sign for me to take some time for myself and stop focusing on everything else around me. When I do get through it, it tells me that I'm in no situation that I like and thusfully change is due. Thank god my vacation is coming up.

Just 4 more days, and I'm off to Vancouver (yet again), but moreso I'm embarking on a road trip down the west coast to Los Angeles and up again through Las Vegas and then back home. The stops will be Portland, San Fransico, Seattle, Los Angeles and then Vegas (where I'll be spending a week). Its a trip thats been planned since summer, but is actually sinking for me right now.

AND THANK GOD, cause I really need time away from work. Ever since my fave manager quit unexpectedly .. work has been chaos for me. Lets just say that she was the only one who cared about the workers. The rest of the managers are just stupid, and work ever since then has been a strain for me. But when we close for renovations, I'll have paid time off which will be nice. It'll give me time to search for a new job, lol .... suckers.

But times will a change after that, this I know. I don't know how I'll deal with the changes and such, but ... changes will be had. I'm keepin my head high; for I know whatever happens, there is someone out there that still cares for me for whom is someone I care for deeply as well. And for me right now, thats all that matters.

Freak On A Leash

"Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Something's raped and taken from me... from me.

Life's got to always be messing with me. (You wanna see the light)
Can't they chill and let me be free? (So do I)
Can't I take away all this pain. (You wanna see the light)
I try to every night, all in vain... in vain.

Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You'll never see me fall from grace

Something takes a part of me ......


Something takes a part of me.
Feeling like a freak on a leash. (You wanna see the light)
Feeling like I have no release. (So do I)
How many times have I felt diseased? (You wanna see the light)
Nothing in my life is free... is free."


... lyrics that really represent how I'm feelin lately.

"Something takes a part of me.
Something lost and never seen.
Everytime I start to believe,
Something's raped and taken from me... from me.

Life's got to always be messing with me. (You wanna see the light)
Can't they chill and let me be free? (So do I)
Can't I take away all this pain. (You wanna see the light)
I try to every night, all in vain... in vain.

Sometimes I cannot take this place.
Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You'll never see me fall from grace

Something takes a part of me."

Sheeps Clothing

I remember, somethime ago, I had conquered something. It took alot of hard work, and alot of patience and faith. But I did it. I remember the feeling it gave me, and how happy I was that I conquered it. I just never thought it would be back.

The most unbareable feeling of all, loneliness, is back. I sit here, just back from work where I closed the restaurant by myself, and I realise that everything I do seems to be in that manner; by myself. Everyday, while I talk amongst those I work with .... I've come to realise, people who don't really know me. People I don't really know myself.

But for the most part, I walk as an empty shell.

Its not that some'thing' is missing ... in fact, alot is missing.

I miss my family whom I'm missing out on so much on. I miss my friends back home, my mom and my dad, and all my neices and nephews that I never see. I miss being recognised. I hate being nothing but a speck of dust. I hate it that I don't matter. I hate being used.

I'm back ...

And there he stands, with his usual ball cap and leather vest; looking even more sexier than I remember.

He doesn't see me as he stands at the bar making conversation. And so I walk towards him. I walk knowing this time what it is I want. I walk, with no words to say, just action to do. I approach him, and hug him from behind.

My heart is speeding as I sigh onto the back of his neck, and I whisper "I'm back."

I imagine his reaction is stillness, he just stands there as I hold him again. Breathing heavily, I repeat, "I'm back, if thats ok with you."

I can feel his hair against my forehead, and the warmth of his husky body as its pushed up against mine. I'm holding on as tight as I can. I'm holding on, and I don't want to let go.



I don't get a response as I awake too soon.

Silence & Stillness

Lately I've been asked to close the restaurant. Normally I wouldn't do it because I don't believe in working overtime when you don't get paid for it. But this new kitchen manager seems to want to make things work and I've seen the hard work he's been putting in and the hard work of others. I just figure, I can help lessen their headaches, even if for just one night. Well, the one night is now three nights, and my social life has now gone to shit, lol. Not really .. but the weeks do go by alot faster and I do get my alone time that I desperately need.

Anywho, back to the point .... tonight, I closed. But tonight, was slow. So I managed to get out of the restaurant pretty early, still the last one out mind you, but it was early.

To pay homage to it, I ventured to a bar I used to frequent quite often; just to see who worked there and to have some time to myself before I went home. And as I sat there, reading the newest edition of the local gay paper "Gay Calgary", a patron walked up to me and asked if I would, for him, draw what it was I was thinking. I obliged after immediately realising that he didn't fully realise he was disturbing me. And so I drew. I drew pretty quickly, and for the most part absent-mindedly. I just wanted him to go away.

But as I withdrew from the drawing, I noticed I drew a landscape. Over the plains you can seen a mountain range with a clear sky up above; pretty simple drawing obviously with the mere moments it took to conjure it up, but my drawing nevertheless.

And as for what I was thinking ... the man who wanted it simply took it as I'm "a man who loves the outdoors". How much more simplistic can one get in regards to an analysis? Succeedingly I detered him away with a simple nod. Happy that I obliged with his "project", he teetered back to his bar stool and continued with his night. I stared up at the bartender as he read my facial expression and empathized with a shooting to his head with his fingers.

But it did get me thinking .. my drawing. It wasn't until moments ago that I finally realised what I drew. It wasn't my "love of the outdoors" that I was trying to express. No. Instead it was my longing for silence. For there was nothing indicating noise or chaos in my pic. Instead, it was a mere landscape; a pretty peaceful one if you ask me. It was the whole aesthetic nature of the thing that, I felt, was supposed to symbolize peace, my craving for stillness.

Not everyone gets it I'm sure. But it is a longing. A longing for everything to come to a standstill and just stop.

Halloween was halloween. After the funeral, I spent time with family before I had to be on the road again; mainly spent time with my mom. We cooked dinner quickly before the constant disruption of knocks at the door followed by "Trick Or Treat!". My older sis stopped by with my niece and her newest edition, a pup named Missy, and had dinner with us. In a family of 6 (more if you include their kids), it was still nice with just the three of us. We chatted about ourselves and about what was new over a roast chicken dinner, all the while handing out candies and treats to plenty of ghouls and goblins and princesses and animals alike, who arrived to our doorstep.

It seems to be custom to be constantly busy whenever I can make it home; little time to ever sit still.

Soon after dinner, my mom had her bingo itch and went off for the evening, leaving me to hand out whatever candies were left. I didn't mind, I was home; and by the this time my lil neice was already becoming quite a help (which quickly ended, evident by her constant hissing (literally) at trick-or-treaters, I thought she was in character at the time as she was dressed as a vampire with fake blood tearing from her eyes [which actually looked like a bad war paint job, lol]. But what else to expect from children.)

The candies were running low as my best friend showed up at the door in all smiles as his middle child, dressed as a pumpkin, softly called "Trick or Treat". They visited for awhile; followed by my aunt with her tribe of 3 boys (her own) and 3 grandkids (same age as her boys who are the children from her neice [my cousin, native families get complicated]). Nevertheless, the house got noisy as they screamed and "talked loudly" as one child professed when asked to stop shouting.

In a flash though, they all left to continue their evening and soon go home. Well, most anyways, as my aunts grandkids (my niece and nephews) were the only ones watching tv; apparently I was left to babysit. So much for my plans of leaving to visit more people that evening. Hours later their 'ride' would show up, and they were off.

It was nice though, the last time I seen them, they were just kids, barely able to speak a word. And now, there they stood speaking with appropriate grammar; as much as pre-teens could speak that is. Not a single diaper in sight. My how I've missed so much.

That evening I pretty much slept, thusly in doing so missing my bus back to calgary and rushing around the next day to catch another.

It was an odd Halloween this year. Definately one I didn't plan.

And so I rolled back home at 5:30 in the morning after leaving immediately after work the night before. Hours later I was awake again.

I hadn't really been home for awhile, and I felt somewhat guilty that the reason I was home was for a funeral. But nevertheless, I was home. My mom was asleep in her voice, my sis in hers, and two of my aunts asleep in the livingroom. I was home.

I had made it to the wake at my best friends house. I pulled up on the country road and parked on side as there was no parking anywhere near the house. Hundreds of people showed up to pay their respect for the passing of a great man. Old co-workers of mine were there; as well as long time friends I haven't seen for years. Many hadn't looked the same as when I had first left for college, but after a brief catch-up session, I had seen that many hadn't changed at all.

The relationships of long past were still evident for me. I had found old high school friends and hung with them for the majority of the wake, up until the procession at the burial site. And I hung around with one of my best friends to show her I still cared for her and loved her as I did in high school; for she was the one who had lost a father.

Throughout my entire visit, I remembered their family. How they interacted with each other, how they spoke, and their own distinct smile that only a family member could bring out. I was always envious of them. They always looked so happy.

My guess is that they knew that this may happen. For even now, they all seemed happy. Sure they were greiving for their lost loved one, and it showed; but a smile would still break out.

I miss home.

I'm going home

Why does no one get it? I mean really, when I say leave me alone, then leave me alone.

I just found out that their's a death in the family back home. My best friend from high school who also happens to be my neice (its complicated), her dad passed away.

Funeral news always puts me in a state of mind. And no one really gets it. They always seem to think that gettin me to think of something else, or trying to cheer me is something they HAVE to do. When all I really want is to be left alone. And the more they try, that more it angers me.

So now, immediately after work today (at 2:30 in the morn), I'll be venturing home, and prolly leaving as soon as its done to come back here to Calgary; cause I "have to work". All I really want to do is stay home and visit family and friends, alot of whom I haven't seen in a long time and really miss alot. For most, I can't remember the last time I seen them, for some it has been years.

My head is gone right now. Just so much thinking.

PS: Oddly enough, and I feel kind of bad for thinking it, it is kind of releiving that I'm not going home becuase of a suicide or drinking and driving accident. My cousin died of natural causes.

Native Americans

I Didn't Know I Couldn't Do That ...

A Slap to the Face.

I know, I haven't written or posted anything for awhile. Truth be told, I've just been going through the motions, living day by day, contemplating what do next. And really, nothing has been happening, nothing astounding that will cause me to think. Nothing in everday life has been capturing my eye to take notice. Lately its just been me with every passing moment. But now, change is coming. Just as I knew it would.

And so I heard today, from the AGM (Assistant General Manager), about an incident that happened on sunday. (actually, a fellow co-worker told me about it, and I asked the AGM, who at first tried to ignore the subject by telling me it was a long story, but hours later told me). It turns out that three cooks at my restaurant were, very visibly and audiably, poking fun and cracking insults towards a native man, who wore an eye patch, in the restaurant. He sat there, tried to pretend he didn't hear what was going on, but out of frustrations flipped the cooks the bird. Apparently in an attempt to not be outdone, the three cooks banded together, stood at a very visible position and struck a pose as if too "call on" the native man. A few more words were exchanged on their part, and the native man continued to sit and eat his meal, with his family that were there also.

After the native family finished their meal, they paid and left. But moments later, he returned and spoke his mind about his disgusting encounter with the manager on duty. Turns out the manager on duty was the AGM. In an attempt to salvage the situation, the AGM paid for the meal, and with a family of 9 it was huge bill.

The native man left. And would never return again to the establishment I work in.

My situation: I'm native. The three other cooks still work there, and after I spoke with the AGM, no disciplinary action had taken place.

He had mentioned that it wasn't racially intended, that the three cooks were just being "assholes". All I can think is "does the native man" know that? The idea that the cooks were just "fooling around", does that justify the fact that no action had taken place? Does the idea of it just being a joke, justify the humiliation and embarassment this native man had to encounter with his family by his side?

I'm putting in my notice tomorrow and speaking directly with the owner. I might even write a letter to the franchise in which this restaurant operates under.

I know, its been a long while since I typed anything. The fact that this has become a even more common occurence is a fact I cannot ignore.

Honestly, I just have many thoughts I need to sort through and little time to do it.

But, in the interesting of continuing to post that which interests me (and not simply focusing on venting that which plagues my mind), here is a clip of one of most favorite songs of all time, Lonely Day. It is a piano cover of said song.



This here is the actual music video of System of A Down, the band whom the song belongs too.

Father

And so, here is a dream I had attempted in telling someone, someone I thought I might be able to talk too ... instead, halfway through it I got the brushoff.

But anyways, just so that I can share it .. and perhaps get some insight ...

in my dream, I'm standing by myself and just "being" so to speak. Nothing significant was happening nor could I see anything beyond me anyways. It was just me, standing there. And suddenly I'm approach by a young boy. He stood up to my waist and therefor could have only been 5-8 years old (I'm really bad at guessing age, but he was only a child). And he started asking questions about his father. Now, I cannot recall any direct question or phrasing he used .. but it steered along the lines of "why doesn't my father spend time with me", or "why does he spend more time with his other family" and other kinds of questions like that. But one question he never asked, but I knew he felt, was "why doesn't my father love/like me (why aren't I as important as them, to paraphrase)?".

And I stood there, staring down at him. I had wanted to answer all of his questions, to make him feel loved and all in all just feel better about himself. But he was asking about someone that I really didn't know or understand, and therefore all I could do was remain silent. With my arm, I nudged him closer and hugged him.

Suddenly it dawned on me, I recognised his brown hair and broad sholders. And as he stared up at me with lost eyes, I stared down on my nephew. It was my brother he was talking about? My brother was his father.

"I don't know," was all I could reply. And so we sat on sofa, and I hugged him as much as I could as he curled up and leaned in towards me. "But I love you," I whispered.

And as I said it, I could still feel his pain and still empathise with him that he deserved more; even though I knew it was all I could give.

And as the dream gave way and I slowly started to wake up, I remember thinking that if the dream stayed longer, then I would have been his father. He would become my son and I would care for him so that he may never feel lost again.

**** ***** **** *****

As I worked throughout the day, the dream lingered in the back of my mind. Was it a message? Had my nephew reached out to me asking for answers that I didn't have? I missed him when he visited my mom, his grandmother, for the summer. Was he reaching out?

Or was it my head telling me something about myself? My brother and I look alike, almost like identical twins (or so friends back home tell us) and therefore it isn't out of the question that my nephew also looks like me when I was younger. Did I speak with myself, asking questions that lingered for so many years that I still have no answer for? Did I just tell my inner child that I love myself?

Or was it just a dream? And I'm putting on it so much value and worth than needs to be?

Whatever the case, it was my dream ... and it hit me deeply. I felt it wholeheartedly that even when I awoke I felt a great amount of disgust towards my brother for making my nephew feel this way.

This is a dream I need to figure out.

(PS: just to mention, my brother has 5 kids, two from a previous girlfriend and who now live miles and miles away, and three with a current girlfriend (engaged)whom he is still with. My nephew I dreamed about is actually 7 years old. And also to mention: my parents have split up when I was 12 yrs old, and even though my father lived 5 minutes away, I've only ever seen him or talked to him 5 times a year.)

Angels - Robbie Williams

I song I would love to try for karaoke. (yes, I like "scary'oke")

Something Different

Its been a LONG day at work. And I mean a LOOOONG day at work. I was the last one to leave; the new order came in .. and left. The cleaners came in .. and left. And there I was, still doing my duties amidst it all. It was like a ten pound metal ball chained to my ankle; it all took forever ... plus a day.

N E WAYS ... here I sit, a drink in hand with a movie playin on the tube (Take The Lead ... shhh, don't tell anyone), and now reminiscing about dance class in junior high. It was mandatory, the class .. only cause it was also apart of my gym class. Imagine how us boys felt when suddely we were playing basketball one day then suddenlty learning the fox trot.

But it was cool. We learned it .. cause we had too. But for me, it was fun. Learning new steps and new sequences, listening to other kinds of music other than what I heard in the halls all day long. It was different, it was nice.

Suddenly I remembered; when I was learning the Jive, for some odd reason I was pulling off all the pulls and turns and twists; up until the teachers (plural since there was a guy teach for the boys and vice versa) noticed me and started talking amongst themselves. All I could recollect was " ... just check out how he turns .. "(and blah blah blah). Needless to say, I danced stiffer than a cock at your local Eagle.

I hate attention ... just let me be and don't judge me, lol.

I LOVE Family guy

The Best of Gay Stewie


You've Got A Gay

Crazy lil Thing Called Love

I've been going on a Buble state of mind lately ... not only is he talented, he's cute too (in a babyface kinda way.

Have A Little Faith

From Van

WOW has it been awhile since I posted anything .. my apologies peoples. I've just been so caught up with work and catchin up on sleep and vacationing in Vancouver, that really .. I had little time to think of anything to post let alone the time to post it.

But for now .. here are some random hotties in Vancouver who were out an about for Pride.

So quickly my mind jumps mounds of thoughts; realising this and that, realising tit for tat. Caught in an never ending web of chaos contrived in everyday papers. I jump, only to see each mound yanks me back to one intricate truth.

He's hurting, and I feel I can't help him. He's hurt, and I hurt.

Tit Humper = Buble'

Secret 7

teaser

I know, I remember a wee bit back I had mentioned that I preferred to be behind the camera .. and thats still true. BUT, I did find a way to post a cartoon pic of me. It pretty much sums it up of me.


AND onto other things ... I test drove a tattoo. Yeah yeah yeah sure, it was airbrushed, the next morning I washed it off ... but really I wanted to get a response on what people thought. Maybe it'll be permanent next time, who knows.

Numb - Linkin Park

This music video describes perfectly what I felt whilst in high school; a feeling that also followed me to college.

Music Video

This is perhaps one of the best music videos I have ever seen.

sicky

I'm sick .. it sucks.

I should have known something was up when at work I noticed a lump at the very end of my throat that was not letting me swallow food or drinks. It fuggin hurt everytime I tried.

Come 3 in the morning, I'm done my closing duties (finally), and I go home. Only to break out into a massive fever. Of course to me at the time, I wondered why the apartment was really cold. I sat on the sofa .. and started feeling a lil woozy ... yep, straight to bed. Only to awake in the morning and have every aroma in the apartment go straight to my gut and almost have me throw up.

At least I didn't have to go to work.

The lump in my throat is still there.

I forgot how good neo citrin could be.

Now if you'll excuse me, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels is on.

Secret #6

Somewhere, tucked away in the apartment, is my black acoustic guitar that my mom bought me "for christmas" (it was meant as a Christmas gift that was actually purchased months later). I hadn't touch it in months. And its still missing a string one year later.

My original intent was to learn to play by ear, like my dad had done. I just didn't do it.

Evaluation: Work

Work .. sadly its all I can talk about these days. It seems to be the only I do. Work work work.

I got my employee evaluation today, I really didn't worry about it since I'm now heavily thinking about leaving. I even called back home to see if any jobs were available (home is three hours away and a very small town, its a big decision to make and one I'm really thinking about .. there are alot of factors to consider). So when I heard evaluations were being done, it didn't matter much to me anyways. Plus, it wasn't really a surprise when the new manager commented "One of the cooks/supervisors I don't really need to worry about." Not to stroke my own ego, but I'm one of the few that can carry my own weight and just get the job done without a huge debate about this and that. "Its a job, just get it done," thats what I think.

But I heard today that two of my favorite servors have put in their notice. There go two of the smart ones, and the smart ones are a few already. And while a few of us were talking about it, it slipped that two more are also going to put in their notice. Two more smart ones, gone.

Slowly and slowly, more and more revelations surface that push more closer to the door.

Really though, there is just too much bickering and talking behind peoples backs that simply listening to it all gets me tired. There are too many grown adults complaining and whining, it all hurts the head. This whole restaurant reaks of desperation just to stay afloat that even after its renovations are done there will be no difference like all had hoped. No, it won't change.

And I used to think that I was helping out the people who are really put in hard work to make this establishment work. But now, all I can think is that I really should just help myself and make a difference for me, (since the differences that I have been making have gone deeply unnoticed).

But where do I go? What do I do? (there is more to this thought I will post another day ...)

Secret # 5

It was a thing of beauty.

thursday

Mystery Trailer Causing Buzz

Gotta love it when production companies start a buzz. lol .. I guess, I really don't know. Thats me trying to sound all movie-like, like I'm in the biz or something.

Anyways, what I'm gettin at is movie trailers. When done correctly they can give the tingling feeling inside your chest, the feeling of anticipation; the feelings I got when I seen the X-Men trailer for the first time.

On saturday, I went and watched the Transformers movie. And let me just say this ... AWESOME! I mean, wow. Absolutely WOW. I'm going to see it again, on the big screen, again. Thats how much I loved it.

But for big block busters, I love the previews chosen. (yes, I'm one of those who love watching previews ... shh, don't tell anyone) And let me tell you, the trailer .. the mystery trailer that was unnamed, the one with the flying head of the Statue of Liberty, the trailer that caused thousands to run to the internet to find out what it is ... that one, I found it.

For a blockbuster disaster pic, its been produced on a modest budget (so they say, but when the trailer is in the style of a handheld camera, whose to deny that chance ...) And the cast consists of relatively unknowns. (But here's a lil trivia .. there is a girl on The Class, who also stared in Mean Girls with Lindsey Lohan, who has a part in this movie. Thats all I'll say.) And so far, there is lil info available regarding the premise of this new disaster flick. But, this just may be one case where you can judge a book by its cover since the trailer is simply awesome.


Thus far, info that is available on the net is calling this flick Cloverfield .. and if you want to see the trailer .. just click here.

UPDATE: Even the trailer provided by Apple.com is nameless and provides no premise. Instead the title given for the trailer is in fact its release date, January 18, 2008 (1.18.08). But it does offer a HD trailer .. and can be found here.

Back 2 Me

It was cold. The entire room was cold, and it felt good. It felt like I was at home again. A childs peace surged within me as I stepped onto the ice and glided to the center. It felt like I was floating. And there I stood, dead center of the ice rink as I glared at the stands surrounding me.

And I remembered. I could see once again my parents sitting in the stands, together, cheering me on; surrounding by other parents all cheering. It echoed throughout arena and I was exhilerated.

I pushed with one leg to the boards towards the penalty box, and followed them as they surrounded the ice. My skates glided along the ice in perfect harmony of the beating of my heart, and there I kept it; in sync with every beat. But with every stroke I took another preceeded it even more quickly. Faster and faster I skated along the boards of the rink, and the faster I went the more excited I got. Suddenly, I was child again.

Quickly I turned around, still heading in the same direction, skating backwards. And even backwards I lodged around the corners of the rink. And I stopped.

Catching a breath, I remembered what it was like as a tyke, holding the hockey puck behind the goalies net. Staring down at the opponents nets, your ultimate goal; and realising how to get there. The five opposing players stay fixated on you as your teammates set themselves up for a play. And theres no choice but for you to press on.

You make your way forward, dodging this player and that player, zigging left and zagging right all the while picking up speed. You never know what the opponent will do; whether they'll poke your hockey stick with theirs at an attempt to loosen the puck, or if they'll body check you to the ice like you just hit a brick wall. But your always ready, to pass the puck or simply press forward, your ready.

And I as I skated up along the ice, pretending to dodge this person and that person and ultimately make the winning goal, I savoured it. I missed it with all my heart and for once I was in my glory.

... It was another heavy sleep. The mintue I awoke I swore I just came back to life as all my muscles ached at slightest movement. I was hot in this summers sweltering heat. But I remembered.

Even in the summer time, I was off at hockey summer camp.

Soundtrack of My Life

Apparently the game is to grab your ipod, or open up your music library at least, and push shuffle for ALL your songs (not just playlists). For ever question, you push next and copy what your player plays. And so here, is my own soundtrack of my life.

opening credits:
So I Need You (acoustic), 3 Doors Down

waking up:
Board Meeting (Timbaland)

first day at school:Rain Down On Me, DJ Tiesto

falling in love:Hello Lonely (Walk Away From This), Theory of a Deadman

breaking up:Resurrection, PPK

prom:Home, Three Days Grace

life’s okay:Oceans, Pearl Jam

mental breakdown:Straight 2, Big River Cree (actual Pow Wow music of my heritage, … this is very odd and rather disturbing)

flashback:One Night in Bangkok (club Mix), Global Deejays

driving:The Knight Rider Duo Remix, Busta Rhymes ft, Magoo and Timbaland

getting back together:By My Side, Stat Quo (of the Eminem Re-Up cd)

wedding:Break Stuff, Limp Bizkit (lol .. too funny)

birth of a child:Crazy Bitch, Buckcherry

final battle:Supermans Dead, Our Lady Peace

death scene:Porch, Pearl Jam

funeral song:Through The Glass, Stonesour (how suiting … would be perfect has a funeral song)

end credits:Diseased, Seether
(lyrics actual start like this “Leave your mark under my skin, oh my how strong you are. And feast your eyes on my disdain, and hope this one won’t scar. I will never belong to you, again. I will never belong to you.")

Ok, so I have many MANY genres on my Ipod, but each are there for their own purpose and I simply like them all

You know I Had To

Find out which Transformer you are at LiquidGeneration!

Choices

Years .... years. Its amazing how one word can describe .. a lifetime. Years.

I haven't really looked back to where I was just three years ago, or anytime longer than that. I can't really decide if thats a good thing or not. But it has happened, years have passed.

One thing I do remember is that when I was still in college, I was wondering when something good would happen in my life. I realise now, that the greatest thing to happen in my life is that it started; I actually started living. Within the past two years, I have made choice after choice in regards to me. Some have been good, some have been bad. But choices were made.

And here I sit again, pondering even more choices.

I really can't go into more detail seeing as its late for me (for one thing) and that this kind of entry entails more detail on my own thinking and even more detail to communicate. Its a process.

Secret #4

I have many insecurities about myself, and I mean many. And trust me, if it isn't one thing, its another. Whether its my cheeks, my nose, my gut ... its always something. Therefore, I prefer to be behind the camera, which also means there are few pics out there with me in them.

(PS: excuse the burning cross on the tv in the background, was watching Bad Boys 2 at the time. I ended up switching the channel because it was edited ... damn TBS)

Been Awhile, Pics

It was the rodeo weekend here in Calgary .. and Damn! What I night! And what a story to tell. But that, I will save for later. I'm still organising and modifying some pics, but for now .. here's some eye candy.

Huh?!

Apparently

"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo"

is an actual grammatically correct sentence.

Apparently the phrase stated does have nouns, proper pronouns, and verbs; and when restated can also sound as such,

"Bison from upstate New York who are intimidated by other bison in their community also happen to intimidate other bison in their community."


Buffalo .. huh. Should I mention that my family's maiden name is Buffalo?

Whats a native to do?

Secret #3

I LOVE MOVIES!!!! And I don't think I can stress that enough. I ... LOVE ... MOVIES.

Always have, ever since I was a wee kid laying at the top of the staircase watching the movie my parents were watching (not porn, you sicko) when I was supposed to be asleep. I grew up with HBO's movie central; which was very rare back home since HBO was an American Channel and I am obviously Canadian.

My parents, back in my childhood days, had the satellite that was so massive it took up the entire backyard. I was a country kid, so it was a big yard anyways; we had the space.

And my obsession grew and carried on well into my high school years when friends and I would plan trips to the city just to watch the latest blockbuster at multiplexes. Even in my last year of highschool, when all my friends were already in college (or moving on with life after highschool), I would travel to the nearest city where friends had moved too and we would have a movie night out, the bunch of us sitting in front of a small tv with munchies in hand, laying on the floor with blankets spread out and pillows as head and back rests. Those were the days.

Even to this day, when I travel back home, conversation always turns to, at some point or other, "Have you seen blah blah blah yet?"

I still love movies. I even took film history in college. Hell, I'm even planning on going to Vancouver Film School and checking out the school while I'm at Vancouver Pride this year.

My obsession for movies kind of sucks right now, cause right now I have no one to watch movies with.

Once before, Never since

And so, I put it back in my pocket, realising that since then I really hadn't seen the magnificent artwork I had seen on that island coast.

But the smell of salty water and the texture of warm breezes haunts me. Gettin smaller with time its punch to the gut has turned to a prick of a needle, but still there to remind me of the vast canvas of life painted by the distant artist.

Perhaps its a moment that I will never get back, like a speck of dust meeting the ocean. It is a moment, buried beneath the life that occured after its existence.

But its still a moment that is mine.

A Distant Artist

And there I stood, a warm salty breeze brushing against my face as I gazed off into the orange, red and grey painted clouds over the horizon. It was breezy, but still warm. As other tourists awed at the sight of turtles amidst the shore waters behind me, I stayed fixated on the ocean meeting the sky. How I so wanted to go there; to the end of the world to meet the one painting the canvas called life; to discover the inspirations behind it all. How I so wanted to be lifted from where I stood and feel the comfort of the pillowy clouds above me; to be consumed whole by them all.

And I waited, feeling as if I was seconds away from it happening.

I closed my eyes, and let myself go at the rythym of crashing waves against island rock. How I wanted to keep that moment; to take it and put it in my pocket so that on any other day when I needed reminding of how beautiful the world is, I can take it out and look at it; so that I can be there again at moments notice.

And waves crashed in harmonic intervals as the wind passed my ears. Nature was playing its finest symphony just for me.

I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes to see that the clouds had changed, still beautiful in all its wonders, but still different. A new painting had begun to emerge, and I was swept away yet again.

This memory is in the pocket of my mind, it takes time to find it amongst the clutter of every day little papers; but its there. And there to sweep me away yet again.

Secret #2

I'm not a phone person. Never have been, and probably never will. While I have many friends both here in Calgary and back home, I don't always call them. And yet, I always wonder why I'm the "last to know".

I get to the point where I think about calling someone, and then thats it. I never actually pick up the phone and dial.

It kind of sucks, cause I have so many friends, most of which are awesome people and people I would like to hang out with, but that never happens. I end up doing the same old shit with the same people (who are cool too). I just crave variety.

Yuck

Someone hit skunk ... I drove through the aftermath.

Skunks stink.


..... I still smell it. .... I better not dream of skunks ... or weed.

The buck is passed

Ouch .. what a day. Work was crazy nuts today, one of my printers completely conked on us, and for a kitchen, thats bad. On the one printer that was working, orders were doubling up and entire bills were slit in two ... it was crazy. Especially when dinner rolled around followed by the obliged team rush. Fun Fun Fun.

Work ... I tell ya, its gettin harder and harder to walk through those doors. I had "heard" that upper management was talking about me behind my back. The managers all complaining that "I don't care". Figures, the minute the previous KM (kitchen manager) quit, the buck gets passed on to me. They all seem to forget what I put myself through to make it easier on them. The seem to have forgotten the 'favors' I've been doing and have been doing for months now.

I think what has pissed them off is that I've declined the Assistant Kitchen Manager position.

All I can say is excuse me for taking care of myself. The fact that this is now my fourth kitchen manager in the span of a year says alot. Its something I don't want, not with this kitchen. I don't mind added responsibility, but keep the title. Don't expect me to work massive amounts of overtime, especially since I won't be gettin paid the overtime hours (something thats against the law might I add).

Its odd, how they're talking of me not caring is actually making that statement true.

Secret #1

And so ... to overcome my writers block (and mainly to write something simple), I've decided to write what I've seen commonly on flickr and have seen on other blogs. The "Secret's" montage. (cue orchestrated music and rapid pic intervals)

It's simple, I can do it (with what little energy I have), and it challenging for me (thusly allowing me to choose what will be posted).

And right now ....

SECRET #1

I stop breathing while I sleep. Past bf's have said so. Who am I to argue with them?

Folsom

Ok, so I do NEED to post something. So why not some pics I've stumbled upon. Now here is somewhere I would REALLY love to go ...






More pics can be found at Folsom Street East 2007

Still here

RAWR! .. lol. I'm back .. I'm here.

I would have posted sooner, but really there is nothing to post.

Work is still a bitch, now they're asking me to close the restaurant one night so that I can open it the next day. It sucks ... I soo need a job.

But once I'm in writing mood again, I'll let y'all know.

Erased a post

Ok, so out of a drunken stupor last night, I've posted perhaps the most revealing post I've ever done. But, I was uncomfortable with it. I did not want anyone to know such things, most of all .. I did not want anyone to discover the most intimate details of my life simply because I drank and typed. A drunken blog post, isn't always fun to read.

Nah, instead, should I happen to be vocal about my past, I want to type it out coherently; without the aid of alcohol. Therefore, I erased it.

For those who got to read it, congrats ... I suppose. I really don't mind you knowing. Really I don't. And if you have something to say about it ... then by all means, say it. Perhaps I may need it.

The box

I think I've found out why I find myself in a box these days.

I've often found out that while I may be signed on messenger, and have numerous email addresses, and have phone numbers written on numerous small bits of paper, I really don't talk to anyone or engage in any type of dialogue. While at work I can be sarcastically witty with days events, on the verge of insulting even, there really is no qualitative dialogue. After work, I punch out, go home and sleep (due to exhaustion).

When the phone rings, its not for me. When an email arrives, its merely a chain letter or a responsive automatic email sent from an online community. All that don't offer person to person contact.

And for those I do chat with ... it sends me to a slump. I usually end up talking to people who are moving to Montreal for art school (good luck Scotty), or chat with an ex whose meeting his new beau's family in Ottawa (good luck BJ), or chat with an ex whose just met his perfect master (something he's always wanted that I don't think I can offer him). They all have something to say, something positive, something that indicates they are moving forward. Their news always make me feel stagnated, at a stand still.

Its not their fault of course, I'm happy that they're getting what they want. And I wish nothing but good things for them. I just wish something good would happen for me. Its been a long year and I'm just tired of things not going right.

Oh well, I'll figure this out I'm sure. Besides, its Pride weekend here in Calgary. Parade on sunday, in which I was asked to drive a convertible for it, but can't cause my liscence expired (damn liscence), and I'm buying my new mountain bike tomorrow. So far, thats my news ... how newsworthy in comparison to everything else, lol. But, its mine.

Happy Pride ya'll.

Now here's something I haven't done in awhile ...

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Awesome pics, Awesome Blog, Hot Dude

And so ... through flickr.com I've discovered a blog. Now, had I simply opened my eyes to profiles instead of merely oogling hot pics, I would have noticed. But, this guy's pics are AMAZING. Plus, he's hot. His own self portraits are fantastic.

Trust me, you'll love it. You can find more HERE!!

OR go to his blog called BLOG BLOG BLOGGITY BLOG (come to think of it, I've seen that title somewhere before.)

"Hi," I said desperately, " ... do I know you?"

His empty yet hoping eyes stared back at me, saying nothing in return. No friendly gesture, no blink of an eye. Nothing.

He looked heavy with burden, tired for such a young fellow. I wanted to stretch out my arms and at least offer a hug, but I soon felt such a gesture would be met with disrespect. It felt more comfortable to do nothing, and just stare at him.

"Are you okay," I had wanted to ask. But his eyes told me not too. His sullen demeanor spoke thousands of words that I could not comprehend, yet could still feel. Somehow I knew I must do nothing.

He seemed angry, tired, hurt ... all at the same time. Somehow I knew he had become a drone, a walking expressionless shell. The bags under his eyes told me so.

And so I put my toothbrush down, and when back to bed to sleep with my eyes wide open.

Tired

Its been months since I've felt rejuvenated in the morning. Its been a very long time since I actually wanted to awake for the day to come. Not one day passes by where all I want to do is sleep. Just to lay lifeless as the sun rises and sets, at times that is my wish. I'm just so tired.

Days come and pass, days where I feel lifeless. Days where I feel used. There are days where I'm angry at the world and everyone in it, and then there are days where I don't care; I'm a walking drone doing simply what has to be done.

I'm tired of work where I'm merely a chump; supposedly someone whose a part of management and yet the last person to know anything (if I'm lucky to know at all). I'm tired of being used to "boost employee morale" simply because I treat everyone else with respect and help them do they're job if they need it. I'm tired of being bought over with free meals and a booze tab to keep up my own morale; free tabs I don't use because I close the restaurant and can't stand being there beforehand. I'm tired of nightshifts in the same week as my morning shifts. I'm tired of feeling that if I do quit that I'd make it harder for the hardworking individuals in the same boat as I. Most of all, I'm tired of walking through the doors at the beginning of my shift and feeling even moreso tired at that moment than when I had first awaken for the day.

I'm tired of living in an apartment where I feel like a pet or a child. I'm tired of staying with a "b/f" where I don't feel that he is in my heart. Beleive it or not, I'm tired of being taken care of and slowly having my independence (as little as it was gettin) stripped away. I'm tired of being pestered when all I want is to be left alone. Most of all, I'm tired of the fuggin question "are you okay?".

I'm tired of ........... I'm just tired.

... there are really no words to describe what I consider the best picture I've seen ever ...


more works can be found HERE

Doggy Daddy

Coherent Thoughts ... I think thats very rare to have. Even one mere coherent thought, I feel, is difficult to encounter ... mainly because I have this notion that one thought is brought about by another. It seems that we're travelling along this web of thought and emotions within ourselves brought about by our own experiences, which in itself is also a life of experiences only recognisable as a web. Or maybe its just me ....

Anyways, I find myself thinking about my ex. I find myself thinking about him alot. And everytime I think of him; I'm left wondering what happened, why did it happen, and even moreso significant is it even important now? (the reason behind it all). Whatever the case, is was all me. And I can't even remember why.

We're still good friends, great friends is what I like to think. And I always felt that the best relationships are those sprouted from friendship. To me, he's my best friend. He's the one person that knows ALL, the one person I told everything without the influence of alcohol. Not even my best friends back home have that privilege. He is the one person to tell it like is. He's the one to bluntly express everything, even my flaws. He's not the type to play it nice and say what I want to hear. He tells me what I need to hear. That means something to me.

By the way, he's gorgeous and the best kisser in the world. And I miss him dearly.

Tilty Head

And the Drama never ceases ... quite literally, its to a point where all I can do is tilt my head back and laugh. Delirious, absolutely delirious.

One of the perks of my job is that I get weekends off. No way out of that one, thats how I hold management in my hand. I won't, absolutely will not EVER, work a weekend.

This morning, saturday morning, I went to work. *tilts head* Apparently yesterday, hours after I had left, our three main closers walked off the job. They just upped and left. Turns out a manager opened their big mouth and said "after renovations is done, no one is having their job." At least something to that effect. And I know for a fact that one of the three just bought a condo, and therefore NEEDS his job. So he and his two buds left. *shrugs sholders* He needs his job so bad he can just walk off any ol time he pleases. ... yeah, it makes no sense for me either.

Anyways, that one event caused a Sh*tload of circumstances for EVERYBODY. And therefore, I needed to awake bright and early on my weekend to go into work and make sure that the guys that are working or okay. THANK GOD they all showed up.

Here's to more drama that I'm SURE I will encounter in a few days. *tilts head*

Hi ...

And so ... I did a little exercise today. I decided to write with my eyes closed so that I wouldn't be able to see the flow of my thought processes as I typed them out. I have a hunch that being able to see what we write actually influences what we write next. And I didn't want to be influenced. I wanted to discover.

And one thing did happened ... other than realising the sausage fingers that I do type with ... I wrote something that just hit me. After reading everything I wrote, and doing my best to consciously absorb all that was me, it was two sentences, one right after the other, that seemed the most real.

"I don't know how life got so hard .. it just did. And whenever I am alone, it feels like pain."

Now, maybe its cause I have a tendency to watch life like a fly on the wall (never really apart of the whole picture, but always there). Maybe its cause I never really thought of myself ... but it hit me. And you can't control what hits you, its always something you never expect. But there it was.

Me, staring back at me.

... now what?

Speck of Dust prt 2

"Put garbage there and go inside" the cop instructed.

And within that moment, as he and his partner stared at me through their sunglasses, I spotted seven other police squad cars surrounding 'a suspect' in our parking lot. Acting confused I put down the garbage and went back inside.

"Well," asked my kitchen manager, "whats going on?"

"I don't know," I replied, "a cop just asked me to put the garbage down and get back in here."

"What did you do?"

"Let me think," my sarcasm was starting to surface, "a built, solid white cop with a badge and a gun ... this native put the garbage down and came inside."

Moments had passed and by this time, we were outside watching what was going on. Two of our servors were sitting nearby and googling with lusty eyes towards the boys in blue as they searched a vehicle inside and out, and later on searched 'the suspects' shoes and pockets. Co-workers and I cracked jokes with each other while the local media took pictures and conversed on their cell phones. We never really figured out what was going on.

An hour later, the lot was empty and the car being searched was gone. We still had a kitchen to run and were soon making pizzas as per usual.

4:30 rolled on in and I was preparing to leave for the day. The night shift crew made their way in one by one, and with each co-worker strolling in we heard of a big accident at the intersection we're located on. "Must be the same cops that were just here," I joked.

Speck of Dust

Friday .. should be the most busiest day ever for a restaurant kitchen. I had expected wholeheartedly a vast demand of pre-orders as I opened the kitchen this morning. As usual, I would get about 7 bills of perhaps 7-16 pizzas to be ready between the hours of 11:30 and 11:45 (usually its 11:45am). And get this, we have one oven to cook it all in. And as the manager would give me all the bills, and as my eyes of disgust attempt to persuay guilt upon him, he would shrug his shoulders and a small smirk would peek through the left side of his mouth; all the more showing me where I really stand in this restaurant.

I finished 'kitchen set-up' in my street clothes and even had time for a coffee and a smoke outside. All sauces were ready, all utencils in place. All lines completely stocked. And all employees doing what they should be doing. As I slowly walked up the stairs to change into my uniform I see that the owner is back in town, and as per usual on the phone. Frankly, I don't care. And trust me, with the turnover rate that this restaurant experiences .. neither does he. Even he's seen his best come and go.

N E Ways ... I go back downstairs to check on everything again, only this time really waiting for the dreaded pre-orders. But nothing came. I wait and wait and wait .. hell I even go back outside for one more smoke, and nothing. Thats really odd for a Friday.

... the clock ticked and ticked. I have my days pinned to the minute. And thusfully I should, I've been doing it everyday for a year now. The announcement posted on the all boards in the place remind me consistently since this month started. (someone kill me now) Nevertheless, noon is about to strike. Its friday, so we're about to be raped. Its going to be bill after bill after bill all punched in at the same time and all expected to be made at the same time. I'm going to need all my kitched crew at the lines and for the next hour and half to be running like crazy to make sure all food goes out with perfection. tic ... tic ... tic ...

And nothing. I didn't even need all my guys.

Hours have passed, and as I'm spacing into the air in front of me. The servers, and I mean ALL the servers storm passed me through the lounge door and out the back door. As I stand wondering whats going on, they storm back in all in giddly amusement (must be a girl thing). But luckily, I need to take out the garbage anyways. I grab one bag, tie it up and make my way to the back door. I open it, go outside .. and am met by two police officers. WTF?!

"Keep that there," one says, "and go back inside."


--- to be continued

Dreamscapes

I sat on one side of a long table, eating dinner with the rest of that family. On the far end sat my mother, my younger sister next to her and my brother next to her. I looked up at them and saw the smiles and laughter on their faces as they exchanged jokes and harmless, yet witty, insults. We were a family again, under one roof; there for each other, loving and caring. And it felt good.

As I turn towards my plate to eat another forkful, I could feel someone else next to my side; a warm touch of his arm next to mine as we both eat from our plates. I remember feeling comfort. I look up to see Scott smiling back at me, my ex.

Laughter consumed the room as we all continued dinner, simply going through the motions. And then its time ... the day is done and its time for Scott to leave. He has a long drive ahead of him. And I stay behind.

Moments later, after his departure and as I am now heading on my way back to my home, I get into a car accident.

I wake in a hospital, alone ....

Such odds dreams lately.

Weekend Update with LoneWolf

This past weekend, was all in all a weekend, lol. I really don't know how to explain my events these days. But when one works a week, mixed hours ranging from opens to closes for a restaurant, and actually has weekends off (imagine that for the restaurant industry) .. the weekends are definately worth waiting for. And a time you really want to relax if not busting lose. Anyways, mine was a lil bit o both.

Friday, FINALLY Watched Children of Men ... wow. And Smokin Aces, unnecessary violence makes it VERY necessary for me to watch. If you love action that hints towards gore, then Smokin Aces is for you. If complex storylines and complex twists just aren't for you, then skip it.

Saturday; karaoke and meeting with a friend. God she is an amazing singer, self trained too .. lucky bitch, lol.

Sunday: SPIDERMAN 3 ... YOO HOO. Very dark in the Spiderman franchise, but when you consider the origin of his black suit, it kind of has to be. I loved that it was heavy in the CG effects.

And now .. here I am. Weekend done, still awake at 1:30 in the morning when I have to work at 9am ... And I've decided that I am now going to look for a job. I mean, my restaurant is having renovations done so I would have to look for another job anyways, and I can't STAND my manager and assistant kitchen manager since they like to leave early and have excuses for everything and anything imaginable (plus, I'm a hands on type of management kind of guy whereas they dictate and delegate). So, I will be leaving soon. But at least I get to leave with a title on my resume, lol. Here's to job hunting ... CHEERS.

PS: I bought a basketball ... one sport I was never really good at but still loved to play. AND (I feel like a goof for this), apparently there is a basketball hoop just around my apartment building, lol. Here's some pics .. hope your weekend was great. Have a good monday.

PSS: These are not my pics, just a few more my favs from Flickr.com

On no path

ok, so its been awhile since I posted .. and the last two posts ... well, lets just say I have a thing for the dramatic when I'm feeling down.

LAST POST ... yes I miss home, and yes it has been proven dangerous to live there. But its still home. Loved ones still live there, and forever will (its a reservation thing *shrugs shoulders* .. really don't know how to explain it). So, I deal.

Anyways, moving on ...

I've been wanting to go to school for quite some time. And everytime I apply, something happens that makes sure I don't get in or even finish the application proccess. This time, its ALL MY OWN FAULT. That sucks .. why, cause there's no one to blame, lol. Anyways, I've been giving my time to work and friends and giving and giving and giving that I hadn't taken the time needed to work towards my own goal. Helping everyone out so much that I wasn't helping myself. And now, the application deadline for my program has passed and my portfolio for it is nowhere near finished. Maybe thats the way to be .. it still sucks though, cause I really hate my job and REALLY want to get back into school.

But even so, I did get some things done. For the porfolio I was to do some Digital Photography to demonstrate my skills. I really don't know if I'm good or anything, I don't really have a camera that I want ... but its still something. The following were what I was going to use .. now, they have been copyrighted .. or copywritten, whatever the proper way is .. here they are.






And yes .. they are actually pictures.

I miss you ... I need you

Its odd. The one place that I could never truly be myself, is the one place I crave to be. The one place that has inhibited me for so many years, the one place that has proven dangerous for me to live in, is the one place I want to go back to. The one place I felt trapt; and the one place I felt so much rejoice upon finally leaving, is the only place I want to go back to.

I miss home. I miss my family. I miss my brothers, my sisters, my mom and dad, and all my cousins. I miss them all so much, it hurts.

A Confession #1

A Confession ...

I used to like Dawson's Creek. There, I said it ... I was a WB kid who used to love watching the escapades of Dawson, and Joey, and Jack, and Pacey, and Jen. I even kept track of their movie careers; meaning I also watched Varsity Blues, The Gift, Mighty Ducks, Final Destination and Halloween H20 simply because they were in them. I loved Dawson's Creek (could be because the creator also wrote Scream 1 & 2, which inspired me to be a writer).

Funny thing is now ... I watch it the reruns on tv ... and I'm sickened by it.

How can one love something only to one day hate it?

The only conclusion I can come up with is that when I used to watch it, I was young. Young and naive and so full of hope of what life could be. I watched that program and felt moved about what life could be for this small town boy; a life that I wasn't living at the time. Although, I'm pretty sure that what I hate the most is that my high school life and my college life where NOTHING like I thought it would be. Instead of feeling free and full of hope, I felt trapt and depressed. At a time when I was trying to make things better for myself, I ended up making things worse; I ended up doing what was expected instead of what I really wanted to.

Time when on, and four years of college went by. All the while spent in misery and all the time waiting for a time when all would be better. And now, here I am .... in a life that I never expected simply because its a life I never wanted. No degree, in a dead end restaurant, in an apartment I never wanted to be in. With barely a cent to my name (thanks to the fuggin city ... fellow calgarians would know what I'm talking about), I'm living day by day in a job that drains the life out of me.

I don't even know what I want to do anymore, I feel so jaded.

Here's to hoping I snap out of this soon.